I Have Left Husband Need Support
 

Good Afternoon Guys & Gals, I introduced myself a couple of months ago, can't remember the title of my post, but I'm back and need support please.

I left a week ago thursday with just a box full of the kids and some of my clothes. I gave my Alcoholic, physical & verbally abusive husband the choice of the bottle or us. He has chosen the bottle.

I have two children, one only with him. He is 3 1/2 years old, and all the fussing & fighting has made him a nervous wreck. I had to put him and my oldest first. They have to know it is not okay to live the kind of life we were living with him.. I can already see a change in the kids.

He is pulling me in every direction he possible can, I'm keeping a journal and today has been my hardest, he almost had me caving and falling right back for him. I'm the main supporter for my family and having a feeling that it's all about the money.

I just need for you all to keep telling me I'm doing the right thing and things will get better.. I going to file for divorce after the holidays are over. He says he don't need rehab and can quit on his own one day & the next he can handle only one or two beers and day... Whatever!! one or two lead to more and more and more.

Thanks for letting me vent and be a part of this forum family... Any advice opinions or just anything is welcomed.

Christin

{hugs} You are indeed doing the right thing for you and your children! Never forget that.

Thanks Barbara

When the A goes all over the place - first nice, then mean, then happy, then suicidal -- is what they call the "hook." It is designed to drag you back in by pushing whatever buttons they can.

By example: Last night my A made my dinner *and* left me a note stating where it was.....This morning he was one step from screaming in my face because he heard something he didn't like (who knows what it was).

What was the difference? 8 hours.

It's all about your babies. Remember that.:Val004:

If possible, can you cut off contact with him for a while? Unless there are issues you must deal with, you may find it helpful to not communicate with him at all.

Thanks beautiful... The hardest time I'm having is when I'm alone, you try not to think about it, but it's always on the surface.. We are having to stay at my sisters right now and she is loving it, but she lives alone with no children and I worry sooner or later we may step on each others toes... I just want to quit worring about things I have no control over.

Some support friends & family have told me the same thing. I want to do that, but what about the child we share.. I have spoken to a lawyer and I know I don't have to turn the child over to him, but then again I feel bad for not letting him see his dad. The dad says he won't drink when he has him and I have only let him see him once with unannouced people showing up and them not seeing any beer or smelling it. Thanks again Barbara.

Please need more support here.. Who here has children and had to deal with this? What did you do?

I don't want to fail. I know I'm on the right road and I just need to stay there.

hi
 

and welcome.

i don't have kids. reading the stories on this forum is what really keeps me from doing that with ah. there are many here that do though and hopefully they will be here shortly to support you.

i do want to tell you what you have done TAKES TREMENDOUS COURAGE, courage that many many do not have. never forget that!!! you have chosen to make a better life for yourself and your children. you have chosen to be a great role model for them - that is the very best Christmas gift you could ever give them.

your your children's HERO today and always -stay strong!!! (((hugs))))

Christin, our situations are vastly different, but with some similar threads. I was in a "committed relationship" with my alcoholic fiancee. Like yours, he promised to quit, to turn around his morally bankrupt life. When the deadline came, he chose the bottle. He was angry and revengeful as a five-year-old would be. Oh, how I wavered on holding the line or caving in! It took a lot of support from my friends to say "NO, I will not tolerate your lies and lifestyle." Still, months later I sometimes waver on my decision, even though he immediately became engaged to anothe woman.

Your children are EVERYTHING. He will try to make you believe it is all about him, but make no mistake, it is ALWAYS ABOUT YOUR CHILDREN. My daughter figured largely into my decision. All I have to do is think of her (and she's 19!) and I know I made the right decision. I couldn't bear to have her see him as my husband with the things he was trying to get away with, to do, the awful drinking, the sickening sexual lifestyle.

Stay STRONG! You are doing the right thing. Believe it or not, I needed YOUR post today because this has been something of a rollercoaster day for me too. Your post reminded me of why I left R, and brought back my strength.

Hey Christin ... don't feel bad about not sharing your child with him. He doesn't deserve that child right now. He is abusive and has made the child a nervous wreck. You are on the right track in protecting your child from him.

Your husband vowed to love, honor, and cherish you. That includes the kids. He has not lived up to his vows and now will pay the price.

As you well know, your children only have one responsible parent - that's you. You are the provider. You are the protector. You show them love. You are doing what responsible mothers do - protecting your children like a lioness protects her cubs.

So your AH is weepy. Boo effin hoo. He should grow the hell up and be responsible. I have no doubt that you gave him a million chances. Now that the jig is up he wants you all back. Well know this fact - what he wants is for the song to remain the same ... he plays the tune and you all dance. Enough of being his trained monkey already. He is an alcoholic and active acloholics know nothing but their own need to feed the beast.

You also must realize that you might save his life too by no longer enabling him.

This is in your capable hands. You do no one any favors by folding, not even him.

Be strong.

(((Christin))) You are doing the right thing. Choosing to protect your kids is always the right thing.
My XAH walked out on us. I was devastated. I had no clue what the future held, or even if I wanted a future. But I had to keep going for my kids.
You know what? It gets better. I've come to grips with the fact that I never had the relationship with my husband I thought I did. It was all a fantasy. The hardest thing was giving up the dream.
The kids and I live with my parents now. They see him for three hours a week. He thinks thats all he needs to do to be a good dad ~ see the kids for a couple hours and write a check. The rest of the time he can get loaded and high. Do you think the kids are suffering without him? Nope. They're better than ever!
You can do it. It won't be easy, but it will get better. Visit here often, and feel free to PM me if you ever want to talk!

wantsout - your nailing it today- second post of yours i really needed today-thanks ;)

Christin,

You are right to think your husband is trying to manipulate you into coming back and making it all better for HIM.

He is.

The question is, are you going to sacrifice your children on that altar?

I was raised by two alcoholic/addicted parents and it took me several decades to feel good about myself again. I had drinking problems, got involved with addicted personalities, and generally went through hell. If you continue to expose your kids to him, your kids may live the same kind of agonizing, self-doubting life that I did.

I urge you to get as much local support as you can. A good lawyer or legal aid to counsel you about a fair separation that allows the kids to be with him when he's proven himself sober. A good Al-Anon group that will help you cope and let you cry and vent. A good relationship with your sister, along with a way to keep communications open -- maybe touch in with her once a week with "How are we doing? Is there anything we can be doing better?" or similar...you'd be amazed at how helpful this is.

Cultivate the friends you let slide because of your husband. Spend some time thinking about what you want out of your remaining 60-70 years (I'm thinking it may NOT have much to do with playing wet nurse to an unrepentant alcoholic who belittles and hits you and doesn't even pay his own way in life) What's your dream? What are your children's dreams?

A good place for him to start is to get sober for a year. Then you can revisit your relationship. With him, not even willing to stop, walking back into that relationship would be hell on earth for you and your kids.

Limit contact with him. There is a monster behind that mask -- we've all been through it. He knows all of your soft spots and he is working hard to make you do what HE wants you to do.

Take care of you & the babies, Christin.

My friend, the old timers here like embraced, kermit, formerdoormat, and mr christian will tell you that I spent a lot of time making a lot of sad, even pathetic, posts on this board over the last year when I was down. But now the tables have turned and what was down has come up - that's me. If I can pass that vision of the future - that strength is the way to happiness - on to newer posters, I would be honored to have been helpful. I cannot tell a lie, there is jungle between the bad parts and the good parts, but there is a good part out there. It depends on being brave enough to keep walking through the dark night. And when we have children in tow we really have no choice. As their mothers and fathers we are obliged to live up to our sacred resonsibilities.

I'm also full of mixed metaphors today :P

Thanks everyone for all of you support and kind words of wisdom... Last night was a bad nite, I cried alot and couldn't tell you why.. I'm so glad to have everyones help and feel so much better today. I'm going to have a good day today no matter what.

Hi Christin,

I just wanted to wish you the very best you deserve. You have made such a courageous move and I know it will make such a big difference to your children's lives, and yours too!

My sister is an alcoholic, she is divorced with two young boys. How I wish they could be protected by a loving mother in the way you are doing for your children.

You can be proud of yourself. I'm sure all your friends and family are. Just stay strong and as shown by the experience of all these other members who have so kindly shared their story, things WILL get easier with time.

I hope you're having that 'better day' today. If not today, it'll come, just hang in there.

Big hugs to you and your children.

Lost Sister

Thank you Lost Sister, I'm sorry for your sister and what you are going through. I'll be so glad when I have a couple of weeks under my belt.

Many Heartfelt Thanks,

Christin

Just wanted to wish you well and let you know you are not alone here. What you have done is very courageous ! (((Hugs)))

(((((christin)))))
You are very brave, and I know you will be ok. You need to provide your kids with a safe place- as well as yourself. I have one daughter with my AH. He is not physically abusive, but he is emotionally and mentally abusive. He is good to our daughter- but to me it is a different story. I am sure we hid problems pretty well, but it wasn't doing her any good for me to be so miserable- and living with the chaos of my AH. He actually left me 4 months ago. I wasn't ready to leave, so in many ways I am grateful he left. I am looking at it as his gift- even though he didn't intend it that way. My life with our daughter is so much calmer. That's not to say I am doing great. I am a wreck and so incredibly sad at times, but I KNOW now that not being with him is the best for us. He is not owning his part in our dysfunctional relationship. I don't know if he is still drinking, but he is so delusional, that I think something is going on. I used to think I was staying in our marriage for our daughter- but a little voice inside me kept wondering what about me??? It's better to have one healthy parent than both together in the insanity. GPJude said it so well- it's the loss of a dream- but her kids are better off now, and I know my daughter will be ok if I am. You are not alone. Please keep us up on what is going on, and give yourself time. Change is very hard, but it can be for the good. I'm trying to remember that every day.