How Do I Work on Me?

Old 12-18-2007, 10:35 AM
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How Do I Work on Me?

Now that I am fully aware of my codependency, how do I work on myself? I have been going to Alanon, love to come here and learn things, and I am more aware of my actions now...but is there something else to it? Is there some kind of checklist that I can use or (this is a dumb question) excercises that will help me become less of a codie?

I realize that I am codependent in love, my family, my friends, my pets, etc. I am a freak! Does anyone have any good advice on how to 'practice' not being a codie? Thanks for any help!!
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Old 12-18-2007, 02:44 PM
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Welcome to the codie-freak group. I am so bad that I let my dog tell me what to do, if he stares at me long enough, I ask him what's wrong and usually find out (!) that it is a walk, so I walk him about 5 times a day....
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Old 12-18-2007, 02:49 PM
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My best sugestion is to read the books such as Codependent no more.
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Old 12-18-2007, 02:50 PM
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For me I think the most important (and most difficult) thing was honesty. Being totally honest with myself. Discovering why I behaved the way I did, and actively trying to change it. A good counselor really helped with this and helped me get below the 'surface' of why I reacted the way I did.

I've also read a lot of books. I moved on from the 'self-help' type to the more spiritual, self-awareness type. The Power of Now, and Women Who Run with the Wolves, for example.

It also helps to do things that make me feel good. I took a ballroom dance class last spring and a writing class at the college this fall. Finding time to just get quiet and be with myself has also been very beneficial.

L
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Old 12-18-2007, 02:50 PM
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Yup another codie-freak here too. It's hard to change. Even though I am pretty darn aware of my codependent behaviors, I'll catch myself slipping into those behaviors. The good thing is.......I recognize it! Sometimes it's not until the next day but I recognize it none the less! It takes lots of practice. Just look at how long you've had those behaviors........they don't get "fixed" over night!

Celebrate your little successes.....recognize your slip ups and you'll do fine!

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Old 12-18-2007, 05:08 PM
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Trying,

You ARE working on yourself. And you're getting somewhere. We can see it, even if you can't

I talked to a consultant this year about various things I felt I was doing wrong, or not doing enough of, etc. She said, "Okay. So you're not what you want to be. Write down for me what it would look like if you WERE. Tell me some scenes to illustrate how you would be different if you were 100% the person you want to be."

Are you able to do that? Imagine some little situations, scenes, that involve you & a loved one, a relative, a pet, a boss, a telemarketer, etc. Write how you react to them NOW, and right underneath write how you WOULD react if you weren't codie like the rest of us.

'Cause......how will you know when you're "there" if you don't have a yardstick to measure by?

Here, I'll start:

NOW: My husband buries his nose in the paper on a certain morning, doesn't really say much, responds to my questions with 'uh-huh' and forgets to say goodbye when he leaves. I freak out all morning, trying to think of what it was I must've done or said that made him mad, wondering if maybe he's thinking of leaving me or maybe having an affair....

THEN: My husband buries his nose in the paper on a certain morning, doesn't really say much, responds to my questions with 'uh-huh' and forgets to say goodbye when he leaves. I wait until I know he's at work, then I call him and say "Did you have a bad night last night? Or did I say something codie-freako...?" And he says "Oh no, hon, the pug kept me up all night with his snoring. I can't even think straight. I almost brushed my teeth with the lanacane this morning."

Things like that.

Give it a shot. Make yourself a "time capsule" of how you'd like to react to things, and put a date on it like six months from now. I was amazed, when I opened mine, that even the suggestion of doing things right was enough to plant a seed in my head. I was doing pretty good! (not perfect, but better than I'd thought!!)

Good luck, Trying. And like kindeyes says, celebrate your successes! That makes them "stick" !!!
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Old 12-18-2007, 06:06 PM
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One of the greatest things I do to work on me is volunteer.
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Old 12-18-2007, 06:20 PM
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12 steps.

work em, live em, then teach others how to do what you did...


but be careful....youre really going to heal and get healthy!!
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Old 12-18-2007, 10:38 PM
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I have to constantly remind myself to take care of myself, love myself,
do things for myself. It's too simple...i know.

But no more giving the shirt off of my back anymore.
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Old 12-19-2007, 02:36 AM
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Beautiful!

Thank you all so much for the great advice. GiveLove - I will definately start that time capsule project tomorrow. Everyone...I cannot thank you enough for the suggestions. I take them all to heart and appreciate your beautiful wisedom. It is here that I find the greatest solace amidst this trial, and it is here that honesty and experience makes the greatest impact for a suffering soul like mine (and all who heed this advice by reading it). Thanks again!
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Old 12-20-2007, 12:58 PM
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Stop taking everyone else's inventory.
Take an honest + fearless inventory of yourself. Good and bad traits. Then focus on your own stuff to become all that you can be.
Just be very MINDFUL. When you know you are thinking someone else or are abt ready to speak or take action, STOP and ask yourself "Whose business is it anyway." Play only in your own sandbox and leave others to themselve.
You will Be amazed how wonderful and strong the universe and your family is when you give it the space. Sit back and watch and let things happen.
Fire yourself from being Boss of the World. I did. There are many unemployment benifits.
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