Lucy06

First, let me recall my situation briefly: early november, I moved out of my house with my two sons because the situation with AH was unbearable. This has brought me and my boys so much peace and happiness, I can't even believe it. No more walking on eggshells, no more stress with AH's unpredictable and obnoxious ways etc etc...
Anyway, I wanted to post today regarding my relationship with my in-laws. I live in Australia and I am French. All my family is back in France which is a heartbreak for me. Not having family around is tough especially when you live with an alcoholic. My husband's family has always been supportive of me but they live 1000 miles from here and I only get to see them few times a year at best. For various reasons, before I left AH, I felt the need for them to know exactely what was going on with their son. I did it for two reasons: first, I witnessed first hand my AH's brother's own separation and how the whole family turned against his ex partner, while he was the one who did the most hurtful thing to her: after 10 years in a de facto relationship and 3 kids together, he asked her to marry him, only to leave him for another woman 3 days before the wedding. I couldn't believe my ears afterwards when my MIL kept saying terrible stuff about the ex partner while this woman's children were close by and could hear everything. So I thought that I had to do everything to prevent my own kids listening to the sort of lies about me.
The second reason I told my in laws everything is that I want them to know the extent of their son's disease so they take the appropriate step to "help" him by not enabling his ways and to help him take responsability for his life. My AH keeps lamenting to his parents about how distant I became in the past year, lack of sex, that I don't respect him, quack quack quack....
Anyway, what I have done has seemingly backfired on me as AH recently took a wonderful trip to see his parents and it looks like most of the conversations were about me telling them lies and being disloyal. I was informed by AH on his return that they would never listen to me anymore. He was gloating....
So be it... I am not as upset by this as he thinks I am.... Just disapointed and if I am upset, it is because I realise that I should have kept my mouth shut. I am a bit confused about what I have done and why.... Anyone here done the same?
Also, I would be interested to hear from parents of adult alcoholics if I did the right thing to let AH's parents know the full extent of their son's disease?
Thanks
Lucy

Barbara52

I think it was ok to try and get them to understand. But denial is so often very strong, especially in parents I suspect. Its hard enough admitting a spouse has an alcoholism problem. I imagine its harder with one's child.

As far as their reaction, the way I see it you did what you fgelt was needed to help them understand. Its up to htem what they do with the information. After you give information, its beyond your control.

I hope you have some support around your from friends or AlAnon. You are doing the right thing for you and your children. Keep believing that!

good_luck

Hi Lucy,

I agree that it was ok to have spoken with his parents. I understand the impulse, and think that you did it for the right reasons. I had similar impulses myself, which I resisted because there was not a chance that I would be taken seriously. My motivation was to clear my conscience, and pass the burden to someone he hadn't abused. (This would be at a point where I still wanted to help him out.) I suppose there was a bit of wanting some validation as well, though. You seem to have identified both of these motivations in your actions. And given that, I agree with Barbara. I think that what you did was ok. You gave out the information to people who care about him with good intentions.

Sadly, it was probably pretty predictable that it would turn out this way, but you tried your best. I'm sure they haven't forgotten what you said, and who knows, maybe it will eventually click in later. I mean, how many years did it take me to accept that my ex was an alcoholic? Even after I had all the information? two? three? And he sure didn't live 1000 miles away from me.

At any rate, the information is out there. You did what you thought was right at the time. You should be proud of yourself regardless of outcome.

I'm glad to hear you are doing well. Peace is wildly underrated as a personal goal, I think.

*Margie*

Lucy06, what a tough situation for you and your kids. It sounds like your in-laws want to believe the best about their sons to the point of blocking out conflicting information. It sounds like your wish was for your in-laws to understand what you've been through and see their son's problem in the light of day, but it seems like they're reserving all of their compassion for their son. In doing so, I don't think they truly are being compassionate toward him, which is probably most unfortunate for him.

I'm sorry you're in this situation and I hope your in-laws behave with more discretion around your children than they did around their other grandchildren. It's sad that they don't seem to realize that their harsh words could hurt innocent children.

Good luck, Lucy.

good_luck

Another thing -- it doesn't sound like your in-laws have that healthy of a family. My ex's family was similar, built upon identifying themselves as victims, and seeming to connect best (and sometimes exclusively) when they were banding together against someone else. (Without these others, they tended to pick each other apart.)

It's kind of weird that a grown man would brag about his mom liking him better than someone else.

ICU

Before my ex and I split, I had several phone calls with his Dad. His Dad was VERY WELL AWARE of his son's drinking and behavioral issues. That's where I got the information that he had been abusive in other relationships prior to me too.

At the time, all his Dad would say were three things: 1. His son should go back to daily AA meetings, he needs them!, 2. No, his son could not stay with him and his wife. Instead, he should go to the YMCA, or something similiar if he and I weren't going to live together anymore, and 3. I should leave the relationship for my own safety!

His Dad's words angered me as he seemed totally uninvolved in his son's downward spiral. I find it comical now that I could be angered by such appropriate input. Obviously, his Dad has some familiarity with Alanon and detachment, and knew how to use it wisely!

I was very fortunate that his Dad was supportive 'in the right way', although, it wasn't what I was ready to hear at the time. Never once did he blame me or have an angry tone towards me. He knew the name of the game for sure.

As others have stated before me, I think it's good that you informed his parents. The unfortunate way they choose to deal with it is on 'them', not you. It's hard to stand strong when multiple fingers are pointing at you. But you know what the truth is, and you have us here to be supportive of you.

I'm glad you and your children are finding peace now. Don't let him, or his family take one moment of that away from you!

tuffenuff

Before I left my ex-fiancee in July, I had confided to his mother the extent of his drinking. I had witnessed him have a seizure and it was terrifying. He did not seek medical help and refused to stop drinking even after something as horrifying as that!
His mother knew of his problems, she advised me to leave him, for my own good and well thats what I ended up doing!

Kindeyes

Hey Lucy
I'm the mother of an adult alcoholic (and exwife of his father who was also addicted). I was very aware of my son's issues with alcohol (and drugs) when his girlfriend came to me looking for support. I asked her if she would like to go to an Alanon meeting with me. I gave her books to read. I also told her that I would never tell her to stay with him and I would never tell her to leave him. That was her decision and I would love and support her either way. She was pregnant at the time with my grandchild.

I wouldn't have been surprised if my son said something evil to her about me. I wouldn't have been surprised if he twisted the truth or told an outright lie to make her feel bad. I wouldn't have been surprised if he tried to manipulate the relationship between me and her to suit his own desires.

I made it very clear to them BOTH that my relationship with one was not intertwined with the other. I love them both. I love my grandchild. I refused to become a third party in their relationship.

Parents don't like to hear bad things about their children, it's true. But, in our case, our son had a problem long before he met his girlfriend so she wasn't telling us anything that we didn't already know.

Unfortunately, you can't control your AH. And you can't control what his parents choose to believe. You can control you. You are in a difficult position right now.......but you are not alone. Even though you may be thousands of miles away from the people on this forum, we all understand your pain. There are wonderful people here in different stages of dealing with exactly what you are dealing with. You will read some things that don't make sense to you......yet. But concentrate on YOU and not on him or them and you will slowly see a transformation in yourself.

gentle hugs to you as you begin your journey.

Beautiful

When things got waaaayyyy over the top at our house last fall, I informed AH doctor of the situation at hand (we share the same doctor) . I shared this with his dr because I needed to unburden myself from the awful pressure that had built up in inside me by keeping it a secret and for no other reason. I felt that if his doctor knew then I was somehow morally and ethically unbound and free to move onward and upward. It was a freeing experience that, if AH decides to do something stupid, that I can never be called into question that I didn't notify a professional.