I feel so crappy today

Old 12-17-2007, 07:32 PM
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Hugs to you, Pajarito. You're a wonderful soul.
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Old 12-18-2007, 07:27 AM
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Hi all. . . I just wanted to say THANK YOU! I woke up this morning feeling sad- like I have over the past eons- but I also thought of all of you- how lucky I feel to have found you. We are going through something none of us ever dreamed we would. It is so much easier knowing that I am not alone and hearing all of your stories has helped me so much. I was actually wondering yesterday what might happen if I called my AH or went to his apt. to tell him I want to make our marriage work. . . Luckily whatever strong part of me that has grown these past 4 months of separation knew better. Whew! There is no way I am going to keep wondering if I have done enough. I know I have. I have done/said/looked for every possible way of making this work and have gotten nothing from him. I need to move on. <<<sigh>>> I know I will be more than ok. I have some of your stories as evidence that people do survive this and go on to be so much better for it.

Chrysalis123- I cannot believe your ex lost his forearm and still went on to behave the way he did. It is madness- isn't it? My thoughts are with you today too. You've dealt with a lot, and seem so strong.

nowinsituation- I'm such a good Catholic girl that I actually even talked to a priest about the vows I made- He told me to move in the direction of getting out of the marriage! Can you believe it? I was afraid he would tell me I made vows- suck it up! A half-hour conversation. . . I made vows- but so did my AH.

Startingover2- That baby will bring you so much joy. Try to take care of yourself. . .

Detachme9- I am thinking about you today too. I have followed your story as it is so similar to mine. It's hard. Take care of yourself.

Thank you all of you!
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Old 12-18-2007, 08:16 AM
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hey paj, i'm glad you stayed strong. that wondering will get ya! there is definite strength here. i too am struggling with the wanting the marriage to work... we can want A LOT of things, unfortunately, that doesn't make it so...especially when it involves another person that doesn't want the same things right there with you on the wanting things!
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Old 12-18-2007, 08:49 AM
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I have seen the enemy, and sometimes it is ME

Today's my day to feel crappy. In fact, I had to read my own post above to remind myself that I felt great yesterday. I thought once I knew the XABF had started his vacation with the current woman, my high spirits and confidence would continue.

So WHY does that inner evil voice of mine have to insert the doubts? It's awful! The Adult logical side of my brain knows I made the 100% right decision, but that little voice inside my head says "Are you SURE? Wouldn't it be fun traveling right now?" My reasonable voice hollers back "ARE YOU CRAZY? He's probably doing a pub crawl right now!"

Sheesh, I'm tired of second guessing! Go away, evil voice! There's not a single human being on the face of the earth who thinks like you. I could think of at least two dozen people who KNOW HIM who would think I'm crazy for even thinking such a thing!

Oh, it's maddening!
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Old 12-18-2007, 08:58 AM
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Paj -
I'm not Catholic, but I also met with my pastor also before I separated. He is a wonderful man who has experienced the pain of divorce first-hand himself. He told me that I had tried everything that he could suggest. We also discussed whether I was fulfilling God's purpose for my life. He told me that God's plan would never leave me feeling so unhappy -- and it's OK to move on. Those words continue to bring me much comfort!
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Old 12-18-2007, 09:02 AM
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I've gotten 4 - count them 4 bones in the last three days from AH. That's more than I've gotten in all of 2007 combined! All this and he's STILL able to have a GF on the side. And he feels and states that he's "justified".

Yep, it's crappy -- but it's temporary. Remember that if you can just wade through the pile of sh*t than there is a beautiful rainbow on the other side.
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Old 12-18-2007, 09:33 AM
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Claudia- It's hard being on the roller coaster- isn't it? I've been thinking about how I would respond to a friend if she were in my shoes- or my daughter! I would hold her hand and tell her she needs to take care of herself. She needs to feel the crappy feelings, but know that the good feelings will increase in time. That small voice inside me is getting smaller- as long as I keep working on that strong voice I've developed over 4 months now. Yes- you would probably LOVE to be traveling right now- wouldn't we all? I had hopes of going to MX with my AH and daughter over spring break. . . not happening. You know what? She and I can go, I can go with a fabulous girlfriend. I was also thinking that when this is all over I am going to bring my daughter to Disneyland. Can you imagine? Paj- now that you're divorced what are you going to do? I'm going to Disneyland!!! (sick!)

nowinsituation- I've also thought at times that our HP wantts to help us- sends us all kinds of help that we may or may not take depending on how open we are. I feel that I am now open- my AH is unfortunately not ready for HP's help. I don't think HP's plan was for us to divorce. I think it is for us to be happy. If my AH chooses to struggle with it, then I must move on. I feel like I have no choice, and I have given it my all. It's hard and sad, but I have to believe I am right where I'm supposed to be.
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Old 12-18-2007, 09:54 AM
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God, that Disneyland comment is just hilarious.

It's amazing how each day is so different. Sunday I'm wandering aimlessly around the house in my bathrobe with a box of Kleenex, weeping at every photograph on the wall. Today I'm able to work, laugh, and think that I just might actually live through this upcoming sh*tstorm that will include filing for divorce, arguing, more crying, having to "tell" everyone and their mother, putting the house on the market, trading in my new car for a cheaper one, packing up all my stuff and my cats, moving to a new place, getting divorced, being alone hoping I'm filled with more peace than regret/sadness when it's all finally over. OMG. And I wonder why I'm still having 2nd thoughts, hesitations, fears, doubts, etc.

This would be the whole reason behind the "one day at a time" life-path, right? Otherwise, my brain will just explode.
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Old 12-18-2007, 11:33 AM
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"That small voice inside me is getting smaller- as long as I keep working on that strong voice I've developed over 4 months now. " You definitely have that right, Paj! In August the small voice was saying "That was a great trip you were on, but gee, why does he say such awful things to you? And don't you realized how embarrassing he is in public?" Then more revelations and the voices were warring against each other at an equal level. Yet more revelations and the voice of reason kicked in and said "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!" There IS finally a breaking point where the evidence against a person is so overwhelming that it is impossible to rationalize their actions any longer.

Off topic, but today I took a necklace to the jewelers that had been missing for three years. It had been made from my wedding solitaire after I divorced. My daughter has an identical one, with a fake diamond. Hurray for me, it was mine and the diamond is found. At the same time, I took a three-diamond necklace the XABF had given me in April of 2005 as a belated Christmas present. I thought "he's a fake and so is this necklace!" and it turned out they are REAL diamonds. Since learning of all his lies and awful misdeeds, I am 99% sure that the necklace wasn't originally for me. It was for another one of his women, living in Miami, who oddly enough is now my friend. She gave him the boot at Christmastime '04, and he gave it belatedly to me. Oh the awful things he did! But anyway, it turned out to be a real necklace, so I feel like I've been given TWO Christmas presents this year!

The current woman is definitely wearing a CZ engagement ring. It's all so very funny. We should write books about our tales!

Back on topic ... Pajarito, what does your name mean? Is it pronounced pah-ha-REE-toe?
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Old 12-19-2007, 07:01 AM
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Claudia- pajarito means "little bird" in spanish. You got the pronunciation right! I tried "butterfly" when I signed up here- but of course it was taken. Little bird seemed good too, though- a little bird on my shoulder- my little voice- telling me to trust my gut and keeping me on track.

Good for you getting the jewels from your ex- and feeling ok about it. I am wondering about my ring- which is a Sapphire. I love the stone, but feel funny about taking the ring apart. This situation is all so fresh right now, that I really can barely stand to think about it. I feel like I am taking baby steps still. I'm putting the ring away for later when I can deal with it. And my poor hand feels so weird without the ring that I have taken to wearing crazy rings I used to wear before I got married- glass, metal with big glass stones. I feel like I'm calling attention to it, but I also feel like I need a replacement- maybe on another finger? <<<sigh>>> So much to think about.

I talked to my therapist yesterday about divorce. She talked about the loss of dreams. I think that's the biggest part of my sadness. No one grows up thinking they'll marry an A and get divorced. It feels like such a big failure. She asked me how old I am- 44. She told me to get on with my life- and she's not usually so up front about things- she waits for me to come upon them on my own. It's been 9 years since things started to go down hill. Nine years is a long time to wait for my AH to be the man I thought he was. In the meantime I have become someone I don't want to be- so I have a lot of work to do.

Detachme9- I am right there with you on the emotional rollercoaster- wandering around among the memories. The only way to get where we are going is to feel the crappy feelings- go through it. Ugh! It feels like it will be a looooong time before I feel truly peaceful. We have a lot of crap to get through- I have the same list you do. One day at a time. Keep me up on where you are in the process. I feel like I am going through all of this with a great group of friends- I am grateful to all of you for your honesty and kindness.
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Old 12-19-2007, 07:26 AM
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Pajarito, Although my situation is very different from yours (I have an A sister), I too feel so lucky to have discovered this forum and the hope its members and their generosity and kind words give to us.

Stay strong and I hope that today is already a better day for you and that you go from strength to strength !

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