MY alcoholic sister (mother of 2) - WHAT CAN I DO?
 

Hi,

This is my first ever post relating to my Sister’s alcoholism.

I feel completely lost and don’t have anyone I can talk to about this.

My Sister’s alcoholism is an emotional subject for everyone in my family and it has become a ‘touchy subject’- Mum will end up in tears, my brother will shut down and my Dad has never been good at talking – full stop.

What follows in this email may sound quite critical, it’s not, but I’m just trying to cut a long story short. I LOVE my sister dearly and her alcoholism plagues me daily. I’ve even contemplated seeking therapy for myself to help me deal with the emotional stress that my sister’s alcoholism creates.

She is in complete denial, my parents help her A LOT to protect her two young sons from the consequences of her drinking (including recently helping her to finance a new home), which is understandable. She divorced from her abusive/controlling husband 2 years ago at which point the extent of her drinking problems became visible. She has told us that she has been drinking for over 10 years (she is only 30). Although she says her drinking is not as heavy as it used to be, who knows?

At the moment, her drinking is limited to evenings once her boys are in bed (probably about 2 bottles of wine a night). I’m not sure if this is a lot or not based on averages? But I’m concerned that once the boys, who are 11 and 7, eventually leave home, she’ll have not reason to restrict her drinking times and things will get much worse very quickly.

Myself and the members of my family have tried numerous times talking to my sister, she has admitted she’s an alcoholic (usually when she’s drunk) and we even managed to get her to the point of accepting to got to AA and see a therapist. It had taken 6 months hard work to get her to this point, with some harsh words spoken in the process, but after the first AA meeting she said it wasn’t for her and all communication broke down, completely. Now my parents give her support so that she keeps her head above water and everyone just tries to maintain ‘normality’, my sister always disappearing around 6pm to get her drinks at home. Things blow up once every few months when my sister does something outside of the normal drinking routine like being found semi-unconscious in her bed when she should have picked the boys up 3 hours previous, or the house is in a total wreck and the boys don’t have a single item of clean clothing.

She really is not interested in getting any help and I read everywhere that nobody can do anything unless the person wants to help themselves, but I really don’t like the idea of just sitting back and watching my Sister’s alcoholism get worse until she has a crunch moment like having her kids taken away, or setting fire to the house when she ‘falls asleep’ in bed with a cigarette in her hand…

What makes this even more complicated is that I’m the only person in the family to know about a traumatic thing that happened to my sister when she was fourteen. Looking back, this was the point at which her life started to go off the rails. I’m the only one in the family to know what happened and she didn’t tell me until 14 years later and made me vow not to tell anyone. She was always convinced that my Mum would ‘do something stupid’ if she knew the truth. When we were young my Mum had said that if anyone ever hurt us she would rather spend the rest of her life in prison than leave the perpetrator alive. I torture myself with questions as to whether I should have told my parents, or whether getting my sister to tell them now would be the key to her starting to recover, or whether this would just ‘break’ my parents and make everything worse?

I go through spells of trying to play an active role in getting my Sister to take a step towards recovery, to trying to block it all out of my head when I feel it simply like bashing my head against a brick wall. My family all live in the same town, but I live on the other side of the world at the moment and I just feel so powerless.

I have currently resigned myself to the fact that the only thing I can do is start saving money so that the day my sister WANTS to recover, I can be there and pay for her rehab. Is that realistic, or am I just dreaming?

But on the other hand, I’m thinking there must be stuff I can learn and share with my parents and my brother that could help them do the right things and guide my sister in to wanting to stop drinking, rather than just sit around and wait for it to get worse. I understand my parents concern about not giving their total support, because they do not want my sister’s boys to suffer. This I do understand. But it’s a total catch 22 as this support allows her to carry on drinking very easily. Maybe we just have to wait for the boys to turn 18, leave home and then leave it to all fall to pieces? Surely that can’t be the right solution?

I know there is never going to be a quick fix but at the moment I feel lost and powerless. I just wish I could be DOING something to help???

I can’t wait to here from you.

Kind regards,


The lost Sister

Lost sister, print a copy of this post & mail it to your parents, let them know you are concerned about your sisters useing, call a rehab ask about the process of admitting a patient, call a treatment center about geting her in.
do what ever it takes to protect your nephews, and sister. This stuff does not go away. Good luck!!!

Thanks for your prompt reply Geees Poncho !
I like your advice about sending a copy of the post to my parents, but that would mean opening the 'can of worms' on my sisters past and I'm not sure I have the right to do that? Would you send the FULL post, if you were in my shoes?

Yours gratefully,

Lost Sister

You can't do much. If your sister does not choose to get into recovery, she's not going to begin recovery. You cannot force someone into a recovery program and it wouldn't work even if you could unless they wanted it to work.

It sounds to me as if you and your parents need to get to AlAnon, educate yourselves about alcoholism and what it is doing to all of you. Enabling her alcoholism doesn't help her. It does hurt all of you.

If the children were not safe, you could consider trying to get custody. It doesn't sound as if things are that severe though and I doubt the courts would go for that.

Your sister is very lucky to have you for a sister. It is obvious that you love her so very much. You are doing something very important by posting in this forum. You are taking a step to help you.

The feelings of helplessness and worry are so strong. The concerns we have about our alcoholic loved ones (in my case the A is my son) take over our lives. The alcoholic is numbed while those who love them deal with the fallout of their problem stone cold sober. It's a terrible terrible feeling. It is particularly sad when there are children involved.

You said some very powerful things in your post. You feel helpless. That's because you are helpless to help her but you are not helpless to help you. And that's a great start.

I remember when my alcoholic son was at his worst. My worst nightmares were that he would get a DUI (he did). His girlfriend would move out and take their son with her (she did). He would die (he didn't).

Sometimes the things that frighten us the most for them are the things that finally get through to them. We love them so much we are always trying to control (and lessen) the consequences of their drinking. Between being numbed with alcohol and having loved ones protecting them from the consequences of their drinking, they are able to continue. That doesn't mean that their drinking is our fault (we didn't Cause it, we can't Cure it, and we can't Control it = the three c's). But when a family revolves around the alcoholic, it isn't healthy.....for any of them.

I was like you (but dealing with my son instead of a sibling) in that I just couldn't give up on him. I felt like I had to do something. It was just too painful to watch him spiraling downward. I couldn't bear to lose him. Eventually I realized that I had to do something to stop my pain. The pain of his self destructive behaviors were killing me. That was the starting point of MY recovery........and luckily, the start of his too.

Take care of yourself.

gentle hugs to you as you begin your journey

Thanks for your reply Barbara52 !

I had though about Alanon for us as a family but the problem is we all live so far apart. Different sides of the world at the moment!

Do you think it would be just as useful to go seperately if we can't go as a family?

Thanks,

Lost Sister

B52s post is good advice, however if no one opens a 'can of worms' the problem continues, You may have to be the bad guy. The ad by Carrol O'conner, about doing every thing you can do is right on. Make waves, open cans of worms, Have a heart to heart with sis, and your parents, All together if possible, and don't worry about embarassing her. Believe me she is not just drinking after the kids are in bed. Its time to see the elephant in the living room.

Kindeyes...I have tears streaming down my face as I read your reply. I'm deeply moved as this is the first time that I feel someone knows exactly what I'm going through. Your words just really 'hit the nail on the head' for me.

I'm very sorry that you have had to go through this with your son, but I thank you for sharing your story. I am deeply moved.

You're right, I MUST start doing something for me, because it's starting to eat me up.

Thank you SO MUCH for sharing this with me, for your kind words of encouragement and your support.

Warm wishes,

Lost Sister

welcome to SR, lostsister, glad you're here!

I would suggest some Al-Anon meetings for you. Therapy also has helped me enormously, and might do some good (you mentioned seeking it out).

It's possible that taking the focus off what can be done for or to the alcoholic, and concentrating on oneself, can have an enormous impact.

Keep posting - you are not alone!

I agree with you Geees Poncho about making waves and all that, it's just hard when I only see my family a few times a year at the moment as I live so far away. When we do get together is usually only for a few days at a time and around special times like Christmas and Easter.

Although me and my sister love each other dearly, there has always been a bit of an 'issue' with my sister feeling she is in my shadow. This was more predominant when we were kids living at home as she introduced me as 'the brainy one', 'the one who gets it all right', and since childhood I have always tried not to draw attention away from her (sounds crazy now, as all the attention she gets as an adult is from her drinking) - maybe that's a big part of the original problem too?

Anyway, I hope this doesn't just sound like a bunch of excuses for not throwing myself in at the deep end. Believe me I have made quite a few waves in the pase, but perhaps not enough and perhaps with not enough people present.

Thanks Geees Poncho, I'll give it some serious thought.

Kind regards,

Lost Sister

Thanks Denny57, I really didn't expect to get so many responses so quickly. Tonight, for the first time in a long time, I'll go to bed feeling like I have done something. Just posting here has opened up a door for me to start taking action, like you say...for myself !

Many thanks,

Lost Sister

Absolutely go to AlAnon by yourself. And if you think it will help, individual therapy. Reading in here and books will help you understand what you are dealing with. I found individual therapy works wonders for me.

You can suggest your parents also go. But that is up to them. One thing I've learned is that sometimes the best I can do is point out the resources to people and leave them with the choice of using those resources or not.

Ps
 

Welcome Welcome Welcome
there is so much wisdom here,
your bound to feel better,
TAKE CARE OF #1
AND OTHER THINGS SEEM TO FALL IN PLACE.:ghug3

Sweetie, everyone here knows what you're going through. We have all been there. The feelings are overwhelming. We all understand your tears and pain. Everyone here is at different stages of their own recovery. There has to be a beginning though.....I hope that this is your beginning.
gentle hugs

Help for what happened to her when she was 14...
 

Welcome, LostSister! Everyone, as usual, has been extremely helpful and kind to you, and I just wanted to add a few suggestions...

Whatever happened to your sis when she was 14 is something that she needs to deal with, and most likely, with a professional. I understand that she is resistant to getting help for her drinkiing, but is she also resistant to getting help for the issue that happened to her so long ago? I am not an expert on childhood attacks, abuse, etc., but I can tell you that I know a lot about the subject. It is not something that usually just 'goes away' with time.

I used pills for two years after a traumatic event in my life. The pills numbed me, and I became an apathetic slug and part-time monster. Once I finally got the help I needed to not only diagnose, but to sort out and cope with post traumatic stress disorder, the next thing I worked on in my life was my addiction to pills. My work with a psychologist literally propelled me out of denial about my horrendous addiction and how it was adversely affecting not only my life, but that of everyone surrounding me.

If you haven't already, perhaps you could find her a psychologist or psychiatrist who can help her deal with anxiety, sleep issues, stress or anything else in her life that she is 'using' as an excuse, as I was with pills, to numb the pain with wine. I am sure wine is an excellent numbing device (temporarily) that sheilds one from all of the symptoms of post traumatic stress disorder and all of the fun stuff that goes along with trauma, like flashbacks, feelings of anger, loss, night terrors, panic attacks, etc. But, as you know, wine and drunken nights never actually help people cope in the long run...and her kids will suffer right along with her, no matter how much your family 'supports' your sister for the sake of those kids.

Also, as everyone else said, get yourself (and your family, if they want to help themselves and your sister) some help. Try out Alanon or something else. Baring the burden of keeping your sister's secret about what happened to her at 14 is a huge task for you as a sister, and I admire you for being so strong and loving. In order to keep supporting and trying to get her help, you will be glad to learn tools and a host of other supportive mechanisms that will help you help her. Hopefully, you will learn how to feel less at a loss about the situation, become a better help to her and yourself, and become better able to cope with the stress and emotional turmoil that currently binds you.

One more suggestion: you know how this Web site has helped you so far? Maybe you could suggest to your sister to come on here and read and post in the alcoholic forum...? Or maybe you can hint to her to check out the Children of Alcoholics forum on this Web site (maybe that would scare her into getting help or at least help her realize that she is not just hurting herself by drinking so much). Or maybe you (or she) could find some supportive Web sites (pertaining to recovery from the incident when she was 14) for her to lurk around and potentially start posting on. You never know...maybe anonymously talking to people about her story or issues will help her out just a little...or a lot!

This Web site was absolutely the catalyst that made me realize that I am a codependent freak :), and after less than two months, I can feel my situation turning around and changing for the better. Trust me, I never thought an anonymous Web forum could ever do anything good except turn me into a computer nerd, but now I am one! I am extremely grateful for that!! :)

LostSister, welcome! You have received excellent advice so far. I'll add two things. First, pray for strength and help from your HP. Pray that your sister's eyes will be opened and she'll seek help. Secondly, work on YOU. Learn all you can, take care of YOU, and hopefully some day your sister will come to you telling you she can't go on with drinking and needs help. Don't do the work for her, but have the resources ready for her to call.

Think of a loving intervention too. It may not be the thing that gets her to seek help, but may stick in her mind. You have to go about it correctly so you don't alienate her, and there are books you can read.

But most importantly take care of you. As love to take down people!
Best wishes.

LostSister :Val004:

Wow...I can relate to your posts! As others here can too!

My brother has been drinking since he was 12 years of age. My parents both drank, my father more than my mother-as my mother had more mental issues. My parents divorced and my brothers drinking became worse-(As did my other 2 brothers who will remain in denial for the rest of their lives).
My brother will be 51 next month and has lost so much in his life due to his drinking-his wife, his 2 kids, his job of 25 years among many other people/things in his life. I have been able to be there for him as best as I could be there for him, as it is very heart breaking not to be able to help him in the way that he needs....so I understand your pain :hug:

My entire family has supported him through many rehabs, detox, salvation army, halfway houses, prison-yet he still remains drinking-the only thing that we can do for them is LET GO AND LET YOUR HP and do what we need for ourselves-

Al-Anon and counseling have been a good thing in my life-it has taught me how to be there for my brother in a way that I can with love-I have realized through my recovery that I cannot make him recover-that is his choice-but I can however pray for him that he finds his way to recovery and support him emotionally the best I can without allowing him to suck me into the place where he is....I did not cause his drinking..I cannot control his drinking...I cannot cure it as the same holds true for any A-

Keep posting-there is a lot of support here and know that you are not alone in this- :Val004:

Hi Lost,

You sound like such a wonderful sister!! You will find some great advice here at SR from those who are or have been going through this same nightmare. So post often and read the stickies!

My suggestion is that you try Alanon meetings and perhaps some counseling for yourself to deal with the feelings of being unable to help your sister. We all know how you feel!

But since it sounds like you have such a strong caring family, I think perhaps an intervention, guided by a professional, might be worth trying. I know it would help you by at least knowing you tried everything you could to save her. But please keep in mind, only the addict can save themselves. No matter what you do, it may not be enough and you don't want to enable her addition.

Get your family involved and learn all you can about addiction and intervention. Check out the T.V. show by the same name on A&E. If she decides to enter a good rehab she may find the help she needs and can perhaps even treat the impact of abuse in her early life that may have helped compound her drinking.

But remember, its up to your sister to decide to get better. Many addicts never beat their addiction and their rock bottom can be death. Its a terrible reality we have all had to face.

I wish you the best!

TryingtoHeal, CBrown, Rella, GuyinNC, THANK YOU for your wonderful responses. Thanks everyone. I never expected to feel such understanding and support and this forum and your kind responses to this one post alone has already given me so much.

I 'll will take time to re-read all of these posts and follow your advice, as it is all good.

For the first time, in a long time, I feel calmer about it, I know that there are steps I can take to learn more and to help myself and be ready to help my sister. Thank you so much to all of you who have responded so far. You don't know how much this means to me!

I am very thankful to have found this forum, with such generous members who give such warm and wise words.

Thanks to all of you!

LostSister

Quick Question
 

A couple of you have used the abbreviation HP, what does this stand for?

LostSister