I feel so crappy today

Old 12-17-2007, 07:36 AM
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Unhappy I feel so crappy today

My AH and I had the divorce discussion this past weekend. We've been separated for 4 months- initiated by him. He left thinking I'd realize what a great guy he is and want him to come home and change my ways to suit him. Well- it hasn't worked out that way. I have changed- dramatically, but changed for myself. It's still very hard. He has had 2 emotional affairs since we've been married- 12 years. His first may have gone farther than emotional. I don't know. This recent one is with a co-worker. He wrote a note about her that I found after he had announced he wanted a separation. It really took his issues to a whole new level. He's been incapable to being remorseful. He's also said some amazingly hurtful things about her- like: "If things don't work out with you and me, I'll probably ask her out." All of these kinds of things were said while he's proclaiming he wants things to work out with us. This is my HUSBAND! I've known this man for 17 years! How I got over his first emotional affair- I don't know. I was a different person then- scared- mom of an 18-month-old with dreams of how I wanted my life to be. My AH has obviously thrown a huge wrench in the works. I KNOW I have to move on. He's been blaming, bitter, impatient, and completely unable to look at himself and how his behavior has impacted our marriage and me. He has been very good at taking my inventory, sometimes even blaming me for things that aren't even reality. I think alcoholism is a mental illness. . . and it is killing me!

I KNOW it is best for me to move on, I KNOW my life without him in the house has been more peaceful, I KNOW I will be ok. I work, I have good friends, a supportive family, a beautiful (now 10 yr. old) daughter, a funny dog. But I am sad!!! I am hurt, and angry!!! This man has taken so much from me- and I let him! I was loyal to a fault. I tried to help someone who rejected me- and in the most dirty way a person can reject another- infidelity. It's bad enough that I am dealing with alcoholism. I'm also dealing with a third person in our marriage. And- he's the victim. He's trying to make me out to be the bad guy. His perception of reality is so distorted that now I kicked him out, I've never loved him, I can't accept him for who he is, if I wanted this marriage to work I'd be affectionate with him. . . it's all madness! He left me with a child, a dog and a house to deal with. I work, I'm in grad school. I don't need this crap- and yet, I still feel so hurt and sick over the fact that it's got to be over. I have to move on and divorce someone I have loved for 17 years. Today I just feel like crap- like my road is long. I have to deal with the sadness this is going to inflict on my daughter- whom I have tried to shield from this chaos. I have to get our house ready to sell and somehow find something else to live in that takes us away from a great neighborhood, great friends and the only house my daughter has ever known. I am just so mad. How do I do this?
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Old 12-17-2007, 07:47 AM
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I'm sorry you are feeling so much pain today. Its normal of course. If you didn't feel the pain, you wouldn't be you.

How to deal with it? Be patient with yourself. You are going thru a whole lot of changes now and are facing more as time goes on. Don't put unreasona ble expectations on yourself. You are not superwoman. None of us are. Make plans and lists of what needs to be done when. Allow yourself to feel the emotions that come along. And know that in the end, you will come to a better place.
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Old 12-17-2007, 07:54 AM
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So sorry that you are going through this....Be gentle with you Paj! take it slowly-as we go through change it can feel very raw but, when we get to the other side it is worth the happiness-Rome was not built in a day-(I know cliche but true) so breath hon and let it unfold as it does-

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Old 12-17-2007, 08:11 AM
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hey paj, sorry your having a rough day. just you being here has helped me greatly. like you said, we can go through this together-just that makes me feel better.

gee, the "if you could just accept me the way i am, be more affectionate" that is the biggest badest guilt trip anyone can put on you if you accept it right? i know that is the one that works with me and seems to get me every time. you not alone. all the same words and thoughts have been expressed to me.

we just have to know like you said, that it is not true. i mean, haven't we tried love and affection, haven't we tried begging, haven't we tried just about everything us codies could come up with to try? -lol.

so, i guess we just have to surrender. hugs to you!!!
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Old 12-17-2007, 08:14 AM
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One day at a time. I can 100% relate to your story - it was the same with me, though we did not have children.

Reaching out and asking for the support and love I needed helped enormously.

((()))
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Old 12-17-2007, 08:35 AM
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Pajarito, you and I share a similar story. I wasn't married to the XABF, but he brought back another woman into the picture to tell me "hey, if you don't want me, SHE definitely DOES. If I would accuse him of getting back with her, he'd say "well, if I'm going to be accused of it, I might as well DO it." Sheesh, how pathetic.

He's back with her (so much for there being nothing going on), and couldn't get a decent woman (defined as a woman who wouldn't settle for his lying, alcoholic ways) to save his soul.

I am so much stronger and wiser about myself and about him since we last spoke. Today is a major milestone. He walked on me because I laid down the boundaries and said I would not travel with him to London if he were still drinking. That was August/September and tonight he is scheduled to fly to London with the current "lucky lady."

But something changed. In me. I became stronger woman, unwilling to settle for the crumbs of the man who "loved me with all his heart" yet committed so many heinous acts.

So, I have been half waiting for a phone call or email from him today, gloating. And if so, and decided to answer, here is what I would say.

R: "Are you sorry you aren't the one flying with me today?"

Me: "Actually no! You did me a great favor. Everything you have done since we last spoke has convinced me that my decision not to go with you was the absolutely right one. You proved that you have not grown into an adult since turning 50, instead you are continuing your decline. I grew stronger and realized that you have nothing to offer a woman, you only offer the position of a belittled caretaker. So thank you, from the bottom of MY heart. You could have had the best, but you settled for the worst. So live with it. I have to go, because I'm busy getting on with the best of my life."

Zero intentions of saying that to him, but I love reciting that speech in my head!

Pajarito, you are a strong, wise woman. I have really enjoyed reading your posts. You are so far away from that old silliness of the AH, and have made yourself a better life. If you're like me, these down periods are so much shorter in duration than they used to be, and you get right back on track. So shake this off, and you will in your own time, and get back to living! Really living! What he's doing is just existing, which is not enough for US!
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Old 12-17-2007, 08:41 AM
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Thank you for your kind words- all of you. Hopeangel- I did say we'd go through this together- didn't I? It helps me to know I am not alone in this insanity. The mind games are incredible. I am just crabby that a grown man will not take responsibility for anything! I am left with so much to do that I wish I could take a year off to do it- and then another to sleep! Good reminder B52- make lists. (Hey- B52- I like that!)
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Old 12-17-2007, 08:46 AM
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I am so sorry that you are having a bad day today. Sometimes things just get us down. And you have a lot of weighty things that you are dealing with. I hope that today gets better and tomorrow is a good day.

gentle hugs to you as you cope with one of the bad days.
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Old 12-17-2007, 08:49 AM
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Claudia- thank you, thank you!

But something changed. In me. I became stronger woman, unwilling to settle for the crumbs of the man who "loved me with all his heart" yet committed so many heinous acts.

Fabulous!

And I love your "speech" to your ex. I am trying to look at my AH's leaving as a gift. I think somebody here said something about our HP working through others to get done for us what we couldn't do for ourselves. His leaving was my kick in the pants. Boy have I grown in 4 months. I am grateful for that, but some days it is just hard to accept that this person who I gave my heart to has treated me so poorly. Thank goodness I have just enough of whatever it is that makes us say ENOUGH!
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Old 12-17-2007, 09:01 AM
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Originally Posted by Pajarito View Post
Good reminder B52- make lists. (Hey- B52- I like that!)

B52. Yup I like that too.

I have found lists are wonderful things. They help give us control over what needs to be done, help us figure out where we are and where we want to go, help analyze so many different situations.
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Old 12-17-2007, 09:04 AM
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Why would you have to sell a house your daughter has been living? I think your daughter knows what is going on, kids are so smart but she will be ok. Sometimes the best thing that ever happened out of a marriage was to have your daughter. Let her know that the purpose of her mom and dad were to make the most beutiful child in the world and sometimes it is better to live apart from each other to be a good parent. Does he visit with your daughter or is he one of those, "if i'm not going to get my way, i'm going to ignore being a parent and dad to alittle girl who needs me?" type. Your daughter does know something, if it is not about how much he drinks or cheating she know the level of calmness in her home. I think you already made up your mind on what you need to do, just think of what is best for your daughter and you. Like you said, you have a good job, great supportive people and family around you and you are worth it, your daughter is worth it. live happy
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Old 12-17-2007, 09:25 AM
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redbear- We have to sell the house, because we can't afford to support his apt. and our home. We're a sinking ship right now- and I am bailing out! I am incredibly sad about it, but I have to believe she and I will be ok in a smaller, easier to afford place. We haven't talked to her about all of this yet. You are probably right, though. I think we hid the drama from her pretty well, but I am sure- considering she is now 10- that she could feel the tension at times. Our house is more peaceful. I hope she feels that. My AH is seeing her regularly. Hopefully he won't flake out down the road.
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Old 12-17-2007, 11:51 AM
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"This man has taken so much from me- and I let him! I was loyal to a fault. I tried to help someone who rejected me- and in the most dirty way a person can reject another- infidelity. It's bad enough that I am dealing with alcoholism. I'm also dealing with a third person in our marriage. And- he's the victim. He's trying to make me out to be the bad guy. His perception of reality is so distorted that now I kicked him out, I've never loved him, I can't accept him for who he is, if I wanted this marriage to work I'd be affectionate with him. . . it's all madness!"

We are in similar situations, Paj. I am so sorry you are going through a hard time. My AH had a DUI accident 7 years ago and lost his left forearm as a result. I cared for him for 6 months using all my codie skills to ease the way. He promised to change, attended counseling, and even AA. But of course he was not "one of them" and stopped going to AA. I thought an A was the skid row variety and it took me a long time to realize the truth. Nothing changed and I took each slip as a persoanl attack. Actually, something did change...me...as my soul was dismantled piece by piece as I carried on being loyal to a fault. Fast forward to last year and I was injured and had to under go surgery with an intense rehab protocol. Guess how dear AH chose to support me? He had an affair and blamed me for it. In fact when I set a boundary stating that if he wanted to work on the marriage he needed to commit to zero solo outings until trust could be reestablished he replied, "How am I suppose to THRIVE under those conditions?" He tells me I am the bad guy, I don't do enough, I am too sensitive quack quack quack. And this after 17 years of marriage.

Well, I reached my bottom and through the grace of my HP I found myself in an Alanon meeting a month ago. I filed for divorce in August and am going through tremendous guilt because my heart keeps telling me I haven't done enough. I too have kids. But I know I am doing the right thing.

I too will probably end up selling my kids' only home. We may have to move away. I have been a stay at home mom and I homeschool. So a new job is in my future.

I too have my bad days and I cry. I try not to fall into my codie hole of despair and obsession. I try to find joy in each day. In fact I try to only think of today and make it a great day full of joy, peace, and fun. Most days I make feeble attempts at this, and some days I do great.

I read this on this site the other day, "Just leap...the net will appear"

My prayers are with you today. :praying
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Old 12-17-2007, 01:40 PM
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Is it a full moon or what? I was just sitting here thinking about how angry I am. Nothing new, no new reason to be angry -- just the same old stuff. So lets all have a crappy day together!! I'm am so angry at him for drowning his problems in alcohol; I am so angry at him for hiding it from me; I am so angry at him for claiming that I won't help him (WTF -- I was there for 24 years!!); I am angry because he is sooo good at playing the victim and that I get to be the bad guy because I left and "destroyed" our marriage -- to our kids, to our friends, to his family (and even part of mine -- which really hurts!!!)

And Chrysalis -- I can relate. My AH has been disabled for 10 years. I have supported him emotionally and financially that whole time. When I finally pushed him HARD into working to be more independent I discover that he spends his days drinking (no wonder he didn't want to be "independent"). When I was home recovering from surgery this fall where was he -- out in the garage, drinking as usual. What a team -- don't give me that "in sickness and in health" crap!!

OK -- That felt better. Are we entitled to one crappy day before we have to pull ourselves back together?
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Old 12-17-2007, 01:47 PM
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Originally Posted by nowinsituation View Post
Are we entitled to one crappy day before we have to pull ourselves back together?
At least one!

Even though I have sucessfully moved on in oh so many ways and an working on me, there are still days when those thoughts of STBXAH try to cause me problems. Why can't he do what I know he should do? Why don't others in his life see him the way I see him? blah blah blah

Fortunately the strength of these counterproductive thoughts keeps getting less and less and the frequency keeps getting less and less. I know he is responsible for his choices, that others are responsible for their choices. I know I do not have, never did have, and do not want the power to make him do anything. I know his choices going forward do not affect me and who I am. This knowledge takes away the ability of the counterproductive thinking to get me back into the drama, even from a distance.
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Old 12-17-2007, 01:57 PM
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(((((((Parajito))))))))

I can so identify with so much that you said. I feel for you.:praying
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Old 12-17-2007, 01:59 PM
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I feel your pain...especially today. I feel ripped off. Like I did everything I could, was a doormat more times than I want to remember. All in hopes of change. There hasn't been any change and I need to accept that.

My AH spent the night elsewhere Saturday night and I am assuming in the skanky arms of another woman while I lay at home alone and nearly 7 months pregnant. I feel like I am getting the crappy end of the stick. Even if I can emotionally get over him, I still have to coparent this child with him somehow.

I am mad, sad, irritated, guilt ridden, anxiety ridden all at once.
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Old 12-17-2007, 02:19 PM
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Allright! A crappy day thread! Bring it on. Seriously, I am right there with you Pajarito. You know the similarities of our respective stories and this past weekend was another brick in the wall. I can completely relate to the simultaneous feelings of anger and grief, particularly when it comes to the infidelities.

I've been home from my 6-week stint at that little guest house since Dec. 1, and all the reasons I left continue to play like a broken record. I'm seeing an attorney next week, but AH is going to make the final scene from this marriage an unforgettable one. He knows it's over and there's no chance for reconciliation. We're stuck living with each other due to finances, otherwise I'd leave again. He continues to "try" though, telling me things I always wanted to hear before it was too late BUT alternates these with nights of drinking/driving and cell phone contacts to the woman he had an affair with 2 years ago. We spent a year in therapy rebuilding the marriage after that, and I truly thought we would be one of those couples who came out stronger than when they went in. I spent much of this weekend wandering around my house crying randomly, feeling hurt and victimized all over again - - - this despite the fact that we're done and I'm filing before the end of the month. All the memories, pictures, hopes/future dreams, blah, blah, just rips my heart out. It's terribly frustrating and sad to be in that limbo-place between being married and being divorced. Like knowing someone you love has terminal cancer, they're dying, you've grieved that much....but they're still not dead and you can't do the rest of the grief work until they actually die. Very very hard, these husbands and lovers. So much joy, then so much pain.

We will have to hang in there a little longer, yes? My 50's have GOT to be better than all that's come before. Take care.
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Old 12-17-2007, 04:25 PM
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(((((((Parajito))))))))

Thank you for sharing this process with us.

Your hurt, anger and sadness, you know, are signs of health.

"And- he's the victim. He's trying to make me out to be the bad guy. His perception of reality is so distorted that now I kicked him out, I've never loved him, I can't accept him for who he is, if I wanted this marriage to work I'd be affectionate with him. . . it's all madness!"

He HAS to say this..He HAS to *believe* this.

If this weren't true, all of his excuses would come crashing down and he would, actually, have to behave like a rational, mature adult and start making wise choices. This scares the living crap out of an alchoholic/user. I mean it *TERRIFIES* them.

*DENIAL* at all costs!

I ditto what Redbear said.

"I have to deal with the sadness this is going to inflict on my daughter- whom I have tried to shield from this chaos."

I understand that you both have to grieve the loss of a pretty special past reality and dream of family. I am no better, I still grieve for not having a healthy father or mother.

I hope you will consider that, IMHO, what you are going through right now is too hard as it is without you also trying to "shield your daughter from the chaos".

This is a mess of awful on many levels, thats true. But it is also a golden opportunity to teach your daughter about life: the good, bad, ugly and inbetween. Your example, your trials, your accomplishments, your ups and downs are one of the best educations she will ever receive.

(Mom and daughter): Enjoy caring for eachothers basic needs (nutritious food, good exercise, good conversation, good laughs and good cries, taking breaks, support groups/recovery work) and let it flow after that. Give in to the grief when you need to. Be gentle with yourself and eachother.

I am inspired by the potential you have at showing your daughter *HOW* to make some great choices for health and wellness. She will be more wise for it and will, in turn, make good choices, hopefully. I speak as an adult child of 2 alcoholics.

love to my al-anon family,

Growing
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Old 12-17-2007, 07:29 PM
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Whoa! I can imagine how you hurt. I lived with a man like that too. I got so tired of not being enough for him. I AM ENOUGH!!

I don't want to have another crappy day. I spent many a good day feeling like crap and thankfully those days are over.
Things will get better for you honey. This kind of pain doesn't last forever.
Just be strong.
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