Alovestoryhero

I am really confused and frustrated. I just ended a relationship with a girl that went thru a Verbal and physically abusive relationship. I have all the traits of an ACOA, and have will start therypy soon.. I didn't realize that I was an ACOA till about 3 months ago.

So here is the problem... things will be great, but all of a sudden one little thing will set her off. for example... I am watching a show with her, and I see something that I think will be fun... I say "I would love to do that" and she responds with "so you don't want to do it with me, not as a couple?" I try to explain that is not what I was saying... and she says that I am selfish, etc.. I get frustrated and head to the shower so it doesn't spin out of control even more... I get out of the shower, and express to her that she has to stop being so defensive, and she has to stop making combative statements... she tells me that now I am trying to spin things, that I was the one that walked away angry... I express to her that I am going to bed, that this is going no where, I turn my back on her and go to sleep. I wake ujp in the morning and shes gone, next to me is a note that says shes not comfortable staying the night...

This has happened a number of times.... most recently on a 3 day trip... we were cuddling, and she said in a exasperated voice to tell her one good thing that has come out of our arguments... so rather than going down that road, I got up went to the other room for 20 minutes... I come back and spoon with her, and the first words out of her mouth was "your such a loser" now being an ACOA you know thats going to hurt... I leave and go have a cig, and I am pissed... so I come back, and say you know your a ****... I know.... I know... but I figure if shes going to insult me... fine, I will throw one back... so we sleep in different rooms... morning comes, and she wants to talk about it... so I say.. I think that the conversation was going down a negative path, so I left.. I came back and you called me a loser, and that really hurt, and I got pissed, because you know how I am dealing with a self-confidence problem... she responds with you act like a 5th grader, your irrational, and this is the reason that you have no one in your life(in a pissed off voice)..

So I left, I was not going to have a relationship with someone that can not discuss things in a rational way.. and with a person that always has to be right.. and one that will get combative, and than blame me with I get upset...and say its all my fault because of my anger....

I sent her an email that said I can not do this anymore, that for us to go on she would need to seek out therapy. I know you cant force someone to go..

this is what she emailed me:

You are deflecting many of the things that you are doing onto me – in attempts to rationalize your behaviors which are difficult for you to face. the doctor says that your perception of what has happened will be skewed in attempts to self-protect yourself mentally. You were victimized as a child, so you see yourself as the victim within normal situations. Because of your low self esteem and lack of confidence, you will interpret things said to you as being negative or combative, when someone else would not even think twice about that comment or simply question the person on what they meant. You only now bring up things about me which bother you – these are things from months ago, typically one time occurrences, which I have worked on. Things which you have not brought up in discussion for months or ever and now you bring them up? You are grasping to find something ‘wrong with me’ to justify your behavior and breakdowns

So I am asking for advice.... what do you do when you have one person that refuses to take ownership, or refuses to see that their defensiveness, and the combative statements can spin things out of control...

Is this a product of the abusive relationship she was in? she never went to therapy for it, and still talks about what a **** head he is...

geees poncho

ditto, ditto, ditto, are you sure your not dating my wife? MOVE ON AS FAST AS YOU CAN. any signifacant other that calls the other a loser, has to be looking in a mirror.

swmnkdinthervr

Ditto here...been down that road too...run...run very fast!!!

geees poncho

Ya know in life we meet all kinds of people, some nice and some not so nice
If a man would call me a loser in a church, in a meeting, or in a bar.
Dems fighting words!! If this (ahem) lady were in the company of a very drunk
BF or Hubby, and got slaped after calling him a loser, could you blame the guy. Some people are out there just asking for it.

NOT THAT ITS ACCEPTABLE

Done_With_It

Uh Yes, that would be called Spousal Abuse, Domestic Violence, etc.
And you could go to jail for that.
And Never Acceptable to hit someone, Period, Amen. :/

Done_With_It

Sounds like an unhealthy relationship all around. If it were me I would have to take a break and re evaluate the situation away from that person. But that's how my head works.

Life is too short to be involved in unhealthy relationship and living in an unhealthy environment, when it's not necessary.

I'm very black and white though. (to a fault) ;-)

WantsOut

If this (ahem) lady were in the company of a very drunk
BF or Hubby, and got slaped after calling him a loser, could you blame the guy. Some people are out there just asking for it.

Yes geees poncho. I would blame the guy. And so would the police. :wtf2

As for the OP, this relationship sounds too complicated to me. I suggest you leave it alone.

GiveLove

Sounds like you two are completely incompatible with each other, and are better off done. You can't even communicate with each other. Better to try again.

Good luck in your therapy. I know it helped me a lot, and helped me to understand why I reacted the way I did all those years, to people and to things.
It should be an interesting time of growth for you.

Alovestoryhero

I was hoping on more feedback on whats going thru her head, what affect her past had on her....

Done_With_It

I don't really know what's going on in 'her' head or what her past
had on her, just as she could never know what kind of effect my
past has on me. That's something you need to ask her.
I do know if it was 'me' I wouldn't really want my personal emails
on a message board. I don't mean that mean, and I know your just
trying to understand but that's kind of a personal thing.

Keep talking to her, the more you talk to 'her' try to understand
her, the more you will understand her. You say you walk away from
her when she does things you don't like or that **** you off, why not
try and get to the bottom of it next time, try and see where she's
coming from no matter how much sense she is not making, because
somewhere "To Her" it makes sense in head.
If you remember that, instead of getting mad/upset/etc it may help.
It always makes sense in her head, try and understand her head if you
want to understand her.

GiveLove

ACoAs and abuse survivors have one thing in common: they don't know how to communicate their feelings well. You end up having stupid arguments because you can't talk -- she says something that's ambiguous, then you respond, then she flies off the handle because you're not a mind reader, then you stomp away because you're incapable of dealing with conflict, then you get together and call each other names and the whole thing comes apart. (I know: I'm both)

Hoping that you both get the help you need to deal with your respective pasts. It took me a long time to understand my lack of communication skills, and take ownership for my role in things. But life's much better when you can.

Good luck!!

Alovestoryhero

thank you..... I understand what your saying... but I am still frustrated that she won't take ownership/

ccirider

Hi ALSH:

That is part of your problem. You are not accepting her not taking ownership. You can't control the other person, ALSH. You have to take your own moral inventory, regardless whether she takes hers or not. It really is that simple, isn't it? We just make it a lot more complicated than it really needs to be.

Peace.

ccirider

Hi GiveLove:

Nice post. That about sums it up pretty well.

Peace.

Alovestoryhero

ccrider,

Can you explain more please.... I am not clear at what your saying about inventory... thanks

DesertEyes

Hey there hero, and pleased to "meet" you

An "inventory" is shorthand for one of the fundamental activities in a 12 step program. An inventory is a list or our character strengths and weaknesses, along with the conditions and reasons under which we exhibit those strengths and weaknesses. The objective is to use that inventory in further steps such that we build on our strengths and reduce our weaknesses.

Expecting other people to behave according to _my_ rules is said to "be taking their inventory". The only person I am qualified to direct towards a better life is _me_. To try and to that to somebody else is refered to as "controlling and directing".

You can read all about the steps, including the inventory, in great detail in the al-anon literature, which you can obtain at any local al-anon meet.

Mike

ICU

If ever I had the urge to slap someone, I would bee-line my butt over to the phone and make a 911 call to my counselor!

To the OP, sounds like a good plan to step away from this relationship, and, as you stated, that you will begin therapy for your issues.

Whether or not she will seek therapy for her issues is up to her. All we can do is to work on ourselves.

geees poncho

UPDATE, a slap in the face is NOT spousal abuse, no more than calling a partner a loser is verbal abuse. slaping a baby on the bottom for playing with a electrical outlet is not child abuse, or training a dog with shock collers, or choke collers is animal abuse. In rescueing people I have slaped people out of hysterics. And yes indeed a spouse could end up in jail for a slap. BUT the police and judges know the difference between a slap and a BEATING which is abuse. PLEASE DON'T TAKE ME OUT OF CONTEXT, I do not condone violence or particapate in it. But the word abuse, is being abused.

"What I have shared in this or any post are my opinions, based on my perception and experiences"

WantsOut

geees poncho, we're going off on a tangent here that takes away from the OP's thread, but you are dead wrong. If you think it's ok to slap your partner under any circumstances, then you have some serious issues that can't be addressed on this board. Slapping people to stop them from being hysterical is a movie device, not a thing that takes place in reality. And the way you stop a child from playing with an outlet is to childproof the outlet in advance, tell the child "no", and move them to a different location. Your "point" about training animals is out of place in a discussion about human beings. And last, calling your partner names like "loser" is verbally abusive because it is a direct attack on their self esteem and should not be tolerated.

No one took you out of context. Your context is clear and must be addressed.

geees poncho

YOUR ABSOLUTLY RIGHT