Sophia57

Hi
I know i'm sitting firmly in the pity place this evening but it's my 50th birthday on Christmas Eve and I feel so stupid.
I've wasted my life being afraid, and I'm still doing it. Afraid of other people's anger. I had some bad relationships - I picked people I thought I could 'fix' and hung in there being a doormat. I never learned lessons from these...and ended up marrying a recovering alcoholic 4 years ago.

At the time I thought I was in love (I was certainly 'love-bombed' by him). He's been sober nearly 15 years and I knew nothing about alcolholism - thought 'recovering' meant 'recovered'. Big mistake. He's a classic dry drunk, I know now and I hate my life with him, and hate how I am, how scared I am of his rants and tantrums.
Not of physical violence..but of how he treats me. I think I got married cos at the back of my mind it was my last chance, How sad is that.

I have no courage, I'm exhausted. I've tried to set boundaries. I've tried Alanon. I have no friends where I live, no one to confide in. I'm so lonely.

Sorry to dump all this. I just had to tell someone in the world.
S

FormerDoormat

Sophia, have you ever read the book "Who Moved the Cheese?" It's a useful little book about letting go of fears and embracing change. It played a key role in my decision to leave my old life behind. All I did was take a small leap of faith but it's yielded big changes in my life.

Why not give it to yourself as a 50th birthday gift? I'll be turning 48 this year and I no longer believe I wasted my life. All that I've been through, all the choices that I've made, all that I've learned thus far have prepared me for these lovely days of joy and happiness and freedom and serenity that I'm enjoying now.

Today I realize that my life isn't half over. It's just begun.

ARealLady

We're here, Sophie....keep talking to us. Tell us about some of the boundaries you have "tried to set".....boundaries can be difficult to grasp sometimes. Are you still attending Alanon?

Hugs across the ocean to you! My favourite band hails out of a small town near Galway.

ARL

ICU

Oh (((Sophia))), the title of your thread drew me like a pin to a magnet. I felt the same exact way (think I used the same words too) not very long ago. At the time, I felt such anger, not so much at other people anymore, but, towards myself. That's when I began to learn the lesson of forgiveness...of myself! That's when I learned to be gentle with myself, and dare I say, even 'love' myself.

Life is strange isn't it? Some of us go about doing things, hooking up with people that are not good for us and never understanding why we have so many problems and issues. At least that's how it was for me.

What I've realized since then is that until we've had enough and are driven to really look at ourselves and 'choose' to live life differently, we keep repeating the same lessons, in different ways, over and over and over again.

But, what's important to know is that we've done the best that we knew how with the knowledge we had at the time. Then, when we know better, we do better! And that's not all straight forward either. It's a process of one step forward, one step back....two steps forward, one step back, and so on. During the dance of this process, we are getting better prepared to choose wisely and live life differently!

I know you said you've tried Alanon, but, maybe you weren't ready then and maybe you are now! Just a thought.

I felt just like you at one time, but I got through it. I think FormerDoormat said it so well here....

Amen to that!!

Keep reaching out Sophia! You don't have to be alone if you choose not to be!

DesertEyes

Hey there Sofia

I learned something very important from my Mom about growing old. At the age of 82 she married her third husband, and they lived life to the max every single day. At the age of 89 that husband passed, the third that she has outlived. She grieved for a year, and then went out and picked up _two_ boyfriends, each one of them is over 100!

She moved into a retirement home, and started teaching the aerobics class. Next friday she's going on a cruise with some lady friends. Mom is now 94, and she tells me that her life is full of good friends and fun things to do. She's say she'll marry again as soon as she can make up her mind which of the two boyfriends is going to last the longest!!!!

Oh, she hails from Donegal, and proud of it

Mike

Cynay

Ahhhh Baby....

You have not wasted anything... what you have done is live life and learn the lessons you need to learn.

Connecting with aother person causes us to look deeper within ourselves. It is an increadible lesson about the parts of ourselves we need to heal.
Someone that was once close to me gave me a book that I will forever be grateful for .... Life Lessons by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. In it I love this part.

You are always moving toward healing all those places in you that are wounded. But the progress is not always obvious or smooth. Love will deliver everything unlike itself to your doorstep for healing. If we ask the universe to make us more loving, it may not send loving people to us that day. Instead, it may bring hard-to-love people into our lives. As we struggle to deal with these people, we have the opportunity to become more loving. So often, the very people we find ourselves with in relationships push our buttons like no one else can. Frustrating as these people are, they may be just the ones we need. The "wrong" people can often be our greatest teachers.

Sweetie... some of the people that have broken my heart the deepest are the very same people that I have learned the most from. No relationship is for nothing.... I have been married twice... and yes, I will marry again. Every important person in my life has given me a peace of themselves that I needed very badly.... to create the person Im becoming.

You do have courage... your here, your looking for answers and I have no doubt that there is something important that you needed to learn so that the rest of your life is even better.

GiveLove

Sophia,

One of my best friends earned a master's degree at 53, went overseas for the first time at 55, and met the love of her life -- the REAL love of her life, not the one based on fear -- at 62.

Your life is just beginning. Your pain is the pain of being born....the aches and pains of finally realizing what you want, or at least what you DON'T want.

Stay with us here. There are a lot of people on similar journeys, and we would find you great company.

Hugs,
GiveLove

hopeangel

hi sophia, my mom was married to an alcoholic-he was not mean in anyway and gave us three kids everything we wanted. the only thing was that he was not very affectionate. really us kids did not know the issues until after he died and mom started talking about it.

at 65 she found a completely different love-a recovered alcoholic of over twenty years. he is VERY affectionate and loving. he would do anything for anyone. my mom was completely not used to all the affection, attention, and, love. she blushes like teenager and is extremely happy! -absolutely adorable!!! never in a million years did she think she would find love again.

so, my mom has been able to experience two completely different kinds of love. one brought her the three beautiful loves of her life and grandchildren and the other has brought her the love and companionship she has needed.

they were both there in her life when she needed them.

i think we have all felt the way you do. i know it is a big concern of mine at 35.

welcome.

SaTiT

Oh yeah...who would imagine have hope is a bad chioce ?

I think it's more like my life was wasted becuase somebody else made
bad chioces over and over again.

I'm not going to beat up myself anymore, wasting one more sec.
question myself anymore. That's more waste and more wasted.
I did my best and some people just don't give a damn.
No, i don't want pity...I just want to get well. That's my
truth or an awakening of sorts.

It's gettting clearer.

Sophia57

Thanks so much to you all. Sorry I couldnt reply sooner, I actually had to ring in sick to work today - just ached all over and exhausted. felt like some sort of soul-sickness. I've rested and slept most of the day and physically I feel a bit better.
I know You're sent people to learn from, but I thought I had done a lot of my learning. With my husband I didnt find out most of his issues till we were married and living together...and the baggage was drip-fed to me.
I was definitely'love-bombed' and thought I was in love...it slowly began to to change within a year or two. Now he speaks to me sarcastically, criticises my housekeeping (this place is filthy! etc) and gives orders. I'm always walking on egge shells cos of his moods and the dramas that go on every day with his family, his jobe that he hates, his imagined illnesseses.

I feel I've gone from being no. 1 with him to taken very much for granted.
Maybe I am ready to try Alanon again - he has all the behaviours of a dry drunk and I hate them and fear them.

Maybe I should get some counselling for myself? he thinks there's nothing wrong and would never go - he's said so.
Thanks again for all the lovely warm support - so badly needed

Barbara52

I highly recommend individual counselling. It has helped me immensely.

Sophia57

I feel it would help me, Barbara.
When I went to Alanon, I felt in a way I didnt fit in, as I had never experienced his drinking, and that's what most of the people there were living and struggling with, and so they couldn't seem to identify twith the problems I have.
Underneath all the behaviour he is a good man, but I have let him ride roughshod over me.
He shows me little affection now and makes sarcastic comments because I don't want to be intimate with him - a lot of the time I dont even like him.

Then he'll do or say something and I'll see the person I thought I married, who professes to love me deeply. He's just so self-absorbed, absorbed in his fights with everyone and in his real compassion for newcomers in AA. He doesnt seem to see I need compassion too. Anything that goes wrong is blamed on me.

Maybe a counsellor could help me find ways of speaking through my fear?

Barbara52

Yes, along with helping you understanding where that fear comes from and how to get rid of it altogether. Its not an easy process and it can be quite painful dealing with whatever your personal issues may be.

Personally, I have found that doing the necessary self examination and working thru the pain is well worth it. I am becoming a much healthier person in all aspects of my life. And its helping me with all my relationships, especially with my son who lives with me and faces his own challenges through being bipolar.

Cynay

That in itself is a Red Flag. I will choose someone that feels like my bestfriend over "love-bombed" anyday.

I have used individual counceling (off and on for over 20 years) Al-anon, CoDA, Reading, Open AA meetings, you name it. I have been in some form of recovery over 30 years now and last year at this time I was struggling with the though of ... Do I need to be in recovery??? Maybe being around it all the time is keeping me from personal growth and keeping me ill.

Today I know that I do need recovery, I have been effected with Alcoholism and it will not go away. Like Cancer, I may be in remission but that does not change the fact I am at HIGH risk. Looking deeply inside of yourself as to why we choose who we do and taking our inventory is not easy and always challenging... but it is always rewarding as well.

Take a look inside and work with what you can control.

Pajarito

Hi Sophia, I think a counselor would be a great place to start. I have a wonderful woman who has taught me so much about myself, and is helping me to believe in myself and get to the root of why I behave the way I have- why I have accepted the unacceptable. It's hard to do what you are by yourself. Al-anon is also a great place to be with people who understand your fears and issues. You just need to find the right group. It may take a number of meetings, but you might just find a place that feels good. Please continue to come here and do some good things for yourself. It's so easy to get caught up in the blame game, and if you aren't reaching out to find some answers for yourself you'll find yourself bogged down with his negativity. Good luck to you. It's hard, but you can do it.

Sophia57

I did actually attend a counsellor years ago for depression - and it helped immensely with that.
I know where the fear comes from from thoses sessions, but was never able to rid myself of it...and now in this relationship it's back with a bang.
I literally shake when he's angry - it's like I'm 7 years old again and the world is going to end, whicjh is what it felt like then.

I've asked him not to speak to me this way, to show me respect, to moderate his tone, not to shout. He did for a while but obviously is not afraid of any consequences so just ignores my attempts to set that bounday.

The fear is so overwhelming - I need someone to help me deal with it.
Is this why I'm in this relationship - to learn how to deal with my fear? Oh wow, it's so hard if that's true.

Barbara52

What are the consequences if he violates you boundary? What is it that you ahve said you will do if he doesn't treat you with the respect you deserve? What action are you willing to take? If a boundary is set but violations are ignored, there is no real boundary.

GiveLove

It was tremendously helpful to me, Sophia. It was hard, joyous work getting to know myself again.

ARealLady

I was definitely'love-bombed' and thought I was in love

That's how addicts hook us in. We're in pain, they know it and we fall for this kind of instant feel-good gratification. Melody Beattie discusses this in Beyond Co-dependency.

Sophia....Beattie's books talk a lot about boundaries and how to set them.

ARL

Wascally Wabbit

Dont apoligize for "dumping". This is certianly the place for it!!
I did TONS of dumping for a long time after joining. I kept posting, and now, I am lots better.
Hang in there. It does get better.