What makes a relationship?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Newport, RI
Posts: 242
What makes a relationship?
I have a question: what is normal to expect in a relationship? What are the basic expectancies that one can have? I am trying to figure out what I need... and I can't totally put my finger on it. Right now, I'm overcome with sadness and loneliness, as it's been a week since I broke up with my BF.
The only negative sides I saw were:
-lack of financial stability (but never asked to borrow money)
-inability to be in group situations; preferred isolation (3-4 hours per day)
-at times manipulative (but rarely)
-low expectations of himself
Otherwise, he was
-affectionate (always kissing me and saying he loves me)
-caring
-giving (example: just a few weeks ago, he got my kids off to school and let me sleep in; took me to my favorite museum for my birthday, but didn't pay the entry, but bought lunch? Bought me a nice present, which my AH never did)
-considerate (cleans up after himself and more)
-thoughtful
-more generous than other BFs than I've had... but not as much as I would like (but maybe I'm spoiled)
-good with my kids (they loved him)
Maybe, if I can let go of the idea of marrying him some day and having a family with him... then the relationship could work. Plus, I had a trust problem.
HELP
The only negative sides I saw were:
-lack of financial stability (but never asked to borrow money)
-inability to be in group situations; preferred isolation (3-4 hours per day)
-at times manipulative (but rarely)
-low expectations of himself
Otherwise, he was
-affectionate (always kissing me and saying he loves me)
-caring
-giving (example: just a few weeks ago, he got my kids off to school and let me sleep in; took me to my favorite museum for my birthday, but didn't pay the entry, but bought lunch? Bought me a nice present, which my AH never did)
-considerate (cleans up after himself and more)
-thoughtful
-more generous than other BFs than I've had... but not as much as I would like (but maybe I'm spoiled)
-good with my kids (they loved him)
Maybe, if I can let go of the idea of marrying him some day and having a family with him... then the relationship could work. Plus, I had a trust problem.
HELP
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Somewhere out there
Posts: 156
Mama,
I am sorry you are hurting. I know I need to crack that nut and figure it out too (relationships). I am just not ready to start work on it yet. I too have trust issues. I am 37 and thought I would be a Mom but I really have to listen to my gut right now and take care of Me. I don't need to be beating down doors looking for a husband. It will not be on my time, but Gods time. I know what ever I am supposed to have in my life God will put right there for me. I am excited to work on me some more...who knows what is in store for me. Good luck and I am sorry your are sad. It will get better.
I am sorry you are hurting. I know I need to crack that nut and figure it out too (relationships). I am just not ready to start work on it yet. I too have trust issues. I am 37 and thought I would be a Mom but I really have to listen to my gut right now and take care of Me. I don't need to be beating down doors looking for a husband. It will not be on my time, but Gods time. I know what ever I am supposed to have in my life God will put right there for me. I am excited to work on me some more...who knows what is in store for me. Good luck and I am sorry your are sad. It will get better.
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
After reading your post I left it sitting on my screen here awhile before I wrote. I gave some thought to what you had wrote and asked here.
I saw you put really a positive spin on some of the negatives, which we all tend to do. The old makes excuse for others actions not to mention down playing the obvious.
It is that which keeps us sitting in a pile as we scream about it and do nothing.
You made a huge move here when you got out but now the hard part begins. As the alcoholic would go through with drawls and cravings so shall you.
Program is a great way to fill that time and space. Alanon got me through it as AA does for others who are willing.
As time goes by and you get healthier you will be less willing to accept things in a relationship.
Your standards will rise.
If and I say if, you do not work on yourself now, you will fall right back in to the same situtation down the line.
This is a perfect time to grow for you and give a shining example of how to live for your children.
I saw you put really a positive spin on some of the negatives, which we all tend to do. The old makes excuse for others actions not to mention down playing the obvious.
It is that which keeps us sitting in a pile as we scream about it and do nothing.
You made a huge move here when you got out but now the hard part begins. As the alcoholic would go through with drawls and cravings so shall you.
Program is a great way to fill that time and space. Alanon got me through it as AA does for others who are willing.
As time goes by and you get healthier you will be less willing to accept things in a relationship.
Your standards will rise.
If and I say if, you do not work on yourself now, you will fall right back in to the same situtation down the line.
This is a perfect time to grow for you and give a shining example of how to live for your children.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: WA Rainforest
Posts: 209
'Not that bad' isn't good enough for a relationship.
'Better than previous ones' isn't good enough for a relationship.
Being lonely is not a good enough reason to stay in a relationship.
A week is nothing. It takes a year or two to recover from a relationship. The first few months are the hardest ones but you'll get through them.
I remember one BF I broke up with, for the first couple weeks, I was devastated by loneliness, and kept thinking, It wasn't that bad, no one's perfect, I should go back to him. But it WAS that bad, and 'no one's perfect' doesn't mean that everyone's equally good enough. After a couple weeks of crying I got over it! and felt much better than I ever had with him. Then a couple weeks after that, I ran into him on the street, and he asked me if I had another BF yet. I said No. Then he says, 'Well I don't have another GF yet either so you wanna get back together?' That's when I realized that to him all women were alike and any one that would have him would do just as well as any other woman. I could not say NO fast enough!!!!!
Far, far better to be alone in the world, than to be alone in the world with him at my side.
For what it's worth, my exAH had all the same positives as your exBF when we married. But, he couldn't keep it up. The demon alcoholism had never let go and it dragged him down again pretty quickly.
Being overly affectionate and overly generous are warning signs to me. Is he being insecure? trying to buy people's love?
Downplaying the negatives is a classic codie trait. I started going to Al Anon meetings as soon as I moved out on exAH and it helped me get through those tough first few weeks.
'Better than previous ones' isn't good enough for a relationship.
Being lonely is not a good enough reason to stay in a relationship.
A week is nothing. It takes a year or two to recover from a relationship. The first few months are the hardest ones but you'll get through them.
I remember one BF I broke up with, for the first couple weeks, I was devastated by loneliness, and kept thinking, It wasn't that bad, no one's perfect, I should go back to him. But it WAS that bad, and 'no one's perfect' doesn't mean that everyone's equally good enough. After a couple weeks of crying I got over it! and felt much better than I ever had with him. Then a couple weeks after that, I ran into him on the street, and he asked me if I had another BF yet. I said No. Then he says, 'Well I don't have another GF yet either so you wanna get back together?' That's when I realized that to him all women were alike and any one that would have him would do just as well as any other woman. I could not say NO fast enough!!!!!
Far, far better to be alone in the world, than to be alone in the world with him at my side.
For what it's worth, my exAH had all the same positives as your exBF when we married. But, he couldn't keep it up. The demon alcoholism had never let go and it dragged him down again pretty quickly.
Being overly affectionate and overly generous are warning signs to me. Is he being insecure? trying to buy people's love?
Downplaying the negatives is a classic codie trait. I started going to Al Anon meetings as soon as I moved out on exAH and it helped me get through those tough first few weeks.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
I call it the "Honeymoon"
When I first start dating someone I'm on my best behavior. I have learned in recovery, that I need to _maintain_ that level of best behavior every single day. Unfortunately, not everybody else on the planet does. So here's my rules:
- Whatever I see good in them is going to get watered down over time.
- Whatever I see bad in them is going to get much worse over time.
- Multiply the above by 20 years. Is _that_ who I want to be living with every single day for the rest of my life?
What makes a relationship for me is when _both_ of us work very hard every day to _not_ let our "character defects" get worse, and to not allow our virtues to water down.
Mike
When I first start dating someone I'm on my best behavior. I have learned in recovery, that I need to _maintain_ that level of best behavior every single day. Unfortunately, not everybody else on the planet does. So here's my rules:
- Whatever I see good in them is going to get watered down over time.
- Whatever I see bad in them is going to get much worse over time.
- Multiply the above by 20 years. Is _that_ who I want to be living with every single day for the rest of my life?
What makes a relationship for me is when _both_ of us work very hard every day to _not_ let our "character defects" get worse, and to not allow our virtues to water down.
Mike
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Minneapolis, Mn. Minnesota Alligator Controll
Posts: 286
relationships & parenting in sobriety,- forum-SR sticky IS IT LOVE SEX OR A RELATIONAL MATTER, by Pernell Johnson,
absolutly excellent. I really like his post #10. Check it out
absolutly excellent. I really like his post #10. Check it out
Last edited by geees poncho; 12-16-2007 at 11:46 AM. Reason: add
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Newport, RI
Posts: 242
I've been going to the once-weekly Al Anon meetings, and only had the courage to bring up my relationship once it was over. I guess I was afraid of everyone poo-pooing on it. I knew deep down inside what they would think and say. The most support I've received came from this site and all of you. Thank you!!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Newport, RI
Posts: 242
Thank you Mr. Christian... glad I made you pause. Yes, the cravings for the man are intense... but diminished after reading everyone's posts. Yes, those standards..
And gees Poncho... that sticky on IS IT LOVE SEX OR A RELATIONAL MATTER, by Pernell Johnson is unbelievable and confirmed my suspicions. My recent XBF was the eldest child and "Mom's little man" ... who probably had to adapt too much to the needs of his mother and in doing so lost a sense of self and spontaneity. This would explain so much... his trying to control, why he always wants to be needed, why my needs could be suffocating to him, why he uses "walls" to create the distance he needs. Now that I've broken up with him, he's probably reverting to some risk-taking behavior (sexually acting out, drinking, drugging)... which is a severe bummer and makes me wonder if he was doing this occasionally this year. To think of it, he often acted guilty.
And gees Poncho... that sticky on IS IT LOVE SEX OR A RELATIONAL MATTER, by Pernell Johnson is unbelievable and confirmed my suspicions. My recent XBF was the eldest child and "Mom's little man" ... who probably had to adapt too much to the needs of his mother and in doing so lost a sense of self and spontaneity. This would explain so much... his trying to control, why he always wants to be needed, why my needs could be suffocating to him, why he uses "walls" to create the distance he needs. Now that I've broken up with him, he's probably reverting to some risk-taking behavior (sexually acting out, drinking, drugging)... which is a severe bummer and makes me wonder if he was doing this occasionally this year. To think of it, he often acted guilty.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 98
Same Boat as Mama and Cherylgwc
I'm in the same boat...
I think we need to establish what is good enough for ourselves before we go into a relationship. I'm not talking black and white issues, but maybe there is some truth to all the corny-ness of people making lists of what they expect and then making sure that they get it, without comprimise, no matter the situation.
I think I am starting to discover that I am insecure and have this totally ludicris idea about LOVE conquering ALL. I am still a dreamer and love the fairytale idea, but that has led me down the path of where I am right now...depressed over my lost love with exabf.
Maybe we should make a list of what we expect, if only written down in our heads. After all, did our exabf's sort of manipulate us into what they wanted/needed??
(I'm not blaming my exabf, as I am aware that it is my own codependance that made me the person I was with him...but did he bend to my needs and wants as much as I did to his...? Just something to ask my/yourself. My exabf was the same as yours, and Mr. Christian is right - I let some of his shining, good qualities become morphed in my head as better than they were because I was, and still am, in love with him.)
I think we need to establish what is good enough for ourselves before we go into a relationship. I'm not talking black and white issues, but maybe there is some truth to all the corny-ness of people making lists of what they expect and then making sure that they get it, without comprimise, no matter the situation.
I think I am starting to discover that I am insecure and have this totally ludicris idea about LOVE conquering ALL. I am still a dreamer and love the fairytale idea, but that has led me down the path of where I am right now...depressed over my lost love with exabf.
Maybe we should make a list of what we expect, if only written down in our heads. After all, did our exabf's sort of manipulate us into what they wanted/needed??
(I'm not blaming my exabf, as I am aware that it is my own codependance that made me the person I was with him...but did he bend to my needs and wants as much as I did to his...? Just something to ask my/yourself. My exabf was the same as yours, and Mr. Christian is right - I let some of his shining, good qualities become morphed in my head as better than they were because I was, and still am, in love with him.)
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: oh
Posts: 757
very well said anvil. great definition of what a healthy relationship is. i couldn't have said it better. i have learned this, now, for me it is just a matter of obtaining exactly the healthy relationship you so well describe 
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Originally Posted by anvilhead 
i believe it's about ENERGY....like energy attracts like energy.....if i make sure that i am all those things i hope the next partner brings to the table, that is exactly the kind of energy i'll give off..........if i am healthy in body mind and spirit, that energy will attract the same.....
L
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 225
Originally Posted by anvilhead
i believe it's about ENERGY....like energy attracts like energy.....if i make sure that i am all those things i hope the next partner brings to the table, that is exactly the kind of energy i'll give off..........if i am healthy in body mind and spirit, that energy will attract the same.....
(Plus, I am really enjoying this time alone with only my problems to worry about.)
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