Just curious

Old 12-16-2007, 08:15 AM
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Just curious

I have been gone from this site for a while. It is so good to be back. Anyway, I first came here 6 years ago (or was it 7) when I was still married to my exah. I was just wondering, after reading a post by Redheadsusie, how many of you have had more than one spouse or bf that was an alcoholic. I told myself when I went through this for 24 years with the ex that I would never put myself in this situation again and yet here I am. This one seems to be even more troubled than my ex. Is it some sickness I have to be attracted to the badboy. Why do I think I can fix them?
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Old 12-16-2007, 08:20 AM
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I am alcoholic and married 2 practicing alcoholics (no surprise there!) I'm now again married after a couple years of self discovery to another alcoholic...She too is in recovery and it's a very good and loving place to be!!!
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Old 12-16-2007, 08:47 AM
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Same problem here... I think. We have low expectancies perhaps.
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Old 12-16-2007, 08:53 AM
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Yes, I agree we are programmed to pick them. We gravitate to them. I am gonna take as long as I need before getting involved. I really need it for me. My real dad is an A...he broke contact when I was 8. I don't have a thing for good guys. My Therapist says I need a reformed bad boy....LOL!
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Old 12-16-2007, 09:05 AM
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After reading Splendra's excerpt from Greg, the bf did ALL that. He is really loving but is SOO messed up from his past. He swears he is getting help, but I still don't know if I trust that and I still have the barriers set up from living with alcoholism for most of my adult life.
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Old 12-16-2007, 09:27 AM
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Most recent ex was a dry drunk when I married him and an active drunk when I divorced him.

Previous H was not a drinker when we were married, but he did have severe clinical depression, and told me recently that he thinks he might be an A also.

We are programmed by any number of things to be attracted to them! as they are programmed to be attracted to us. It's a 2 way street, remember. Alkies are attracted to codies just as strongly as codies are attracted to alkies.

In my case I'm pretty sure it's because I'm looking for a way to make my childhood relationship with my father to WORK this time! by golly I'm gonna fix this one and he's going to love me like my dad never did!

Now I've set my boundary. No More Alkies or ACOAs. Now I know what to look for, and what it means, and how serious it is. Now I know what recovery looks like. And most importantly I know that I CAN'T FIX THEM AND I CAN'T REMAKE MY RELATIONSHIP WITH MY PARENTS THROUGH THEM.
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Old 12-16-2007, 10:08 AM
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My parents were not drinkers at all. May be it is the middle child syndrome.
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Old 12-16-2007, 10:25 AM
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Originally Posted by cherylgwc View Post
My parents were not drinkers at all. May be it is the middle child syndrome.
Mine were not,either....although that may be changing with my dad. (and Mom is dead)

What I did learn through all this (and bits of info I never heard before or would have "noticed") is that in all likelihood both of their fathers were A's.....one a "dry" one while I knew him and the other a daily drinker as I recall. The "focus" was more on his wife's depression....

Interesting. One of my sister's was a closet drinker who lost her career by her A-behavior (but it got her to recovery) and another first cousin died directly from alcoholism at age 50y.

Like I've heard said....alcoholism is the (family) "gift that keeps on giving".

p.s. This is one of my worst fears,since the breakup of my 27y marriage.....to get involved with a new A. I did not know this one who just left me had a problem until about 20yrs into our marriage,although I noticed members in his family did years earlier than that....although they are a family of the "high-functioning type"; their interpersonal life/skills are all effected.
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Old 12-16-2007, 10:25 AM
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My first husband (ex) was a drug user and alcoholic. I swore off men altogther ;-) It was me and my son "against the world" so to speak. I had a wall built up around me that none could penetrate. (I am woman see me roar etc etc etc)

That is until I met my second (and last) husband. He was gentle and patient and had also been through a rough marriage. He is not an alcohlic. He has stood by me with my issues with my A son when I think most men would have thrown up their hands and run away. We've been married for almost 23years now and things are good.

He is not a perfect man......but he is perfect for me. He is my love. My soulmate. My knight in shining armor. I don't know how I would have survived the last ten years dealing with my A son without his support.
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Old 12-16-2007, 10:35 AM
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My first three LTRs were with people with substance abuse issues. I entered them listening to my heart only. My heart found "bad boys" so attractive. Now, years later, they make me want to hurl....mostly because it's almost always an act, or a sign of extreme irresponsibility or childishness, none of which I respect nowadays.

My current LTR was entered into with about 50/50 heart and head. I was, at that point (8 years ago) finally able to say: is he an addict? is he self-centered? is he capable of a good partnership? does he take care of his own side of the street? etc etc

This doesn't guarantee happily ever after, but it's worked out much better for me so far. The bad boys I meet make me think "Thank god you're somebody else's problem now."
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Old 12-17-2007, 05:41 AM
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a drunk and an un-recovered al-anon were my big relationships.

Both just as sick as each other.
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