Shocker....I'm thinking of filing for divorce!!
harleygirl92156
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: IOWA
Posts: 430
Shocker....I'm thinking of filing for divorce!!
Just not happy. Realize sobriety doesn't solve anything but the drinking problem. He has said in the past, "you didn't like me when I was drinking and you don't like me sober"......and he is right.
Been through aftercare, Al anon 2-3 times a week and tried to work through it only to realize the he EXPECTED me to work through it on my own. He thinks the only thing he has to contribute to the relationship is sobriety.........well that just isn't working for me, so after Christmas will be looking for apartment and getting the ball rolling.
Didn't want it to be this way, tried my best and that is all I can do. I guess what I want to say is if your alcoholic is active and you pray for sobriety for them expecting it to make it all better, think again, it just doesn't work that way.
So now it's time to REALLY learn how to take care of me. Yea!!
Been through aftercare, Al anon 2-3 times a week and tried to work through it only to realize the he EXPECTED me to work through it on my own. He thinks the only thing he has to contribute to the relationship is sobriety.........well that just isn't working for me, so after Christmas will be looking for apartment and getting the ball rolling.
Didn't want it to be this way, tried my best and that is all I can do. I guess what I want to say is if your alcoholic is active and you pray for sobriety for them expecting it to make it all better, think again, it just doesn't work that way.
So now it's time to REALLY learn how to take care of me. Yea!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Somewhere out there
Posts: 156
I know it is hard...especially this time of year. You can't help what you feel though. When you have had enough, you have had enough. We forget that we always have the right to change our minds; to leave, to stay....whatever.
My XAH, to my knowledge is still out there drinking so I never had to worry about his changes in sobriety, good or bad. Taking care of me has been an incredible experience. Alot of people don't understand the need for me to listen to my gut and give me what I need. Which right now is figuring out what my passions are again, going to meetings when I want, cooking whatever I feel like...freedom. I worry alot about stuff that I shouldn't. I feel guilty for taking the me time a little but my head and heart are aligned and I do believe I have waited my whole life for this.
My XAH, to my knowledge is still out there drinking so I never had to worry about his changes in sobriety, good or bad. Taking care of me has been an incredible experience. Alot of people don't understand the need for me to listen to my gut and give me what I need. Which right now is figuring out what my passions are again, going to meetings when I want, cooking whatever I feel like...freedom. I worry alot about stuff that I shouldn't. I feel guilty for taking the me time a little but my head and heart are aligned and I do believe I have waited my whole life for this.
full of hope
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 1,170
Originally Posted by harleygirl92156 
He has said in the past, "you didn't like me when I was drinking and you don't like me sober"......and he is right.
We both had changed so much, and because of alcohol we changed alone; without each other's support or help.
I was sad when he reminded me of what I said(of course his sobriety was short-lived)...but I was relieved, too, because I finally realized my life didn't have to be about his life and alcohol.
I wish you the best, Harley! No matter what happens just remember to keep making choices that are best for you!!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
Harleygirl,
I hope I'm not out of line by what I'm about to say, but, to be totally honest with you, I'm not suprised.
Call it a 'hunch', and I certainly don't mean to take any one else's inventory, or for one minute think that I know the answers for anyone else (heck, I don't even understand most of the questions pertaining to me), but, I've followed your posts, and all that you've been through, watched you change, grow, twist and turn, try real hard to understand, be thankful, be forgiving, be willing, and I always had a sense that that's where the majority of work was being done....by 'you'. Thats the impression I got, and, this post, and this specifically confirmed that....
We can't do any better then our very best, and my impression is that you gave it the very, very best that you had to give. But in a marriage, it takes two. One person can't do all the work, all the compromise, all the understanding, and all the changing, and all the forgiving. That's not a marriage, that's two people getting by on one person's efforts. Not saying that his recovery wasn't an important effort on his part, because it certainly was. But like you said, that's not the only thing one should give to or receive from a spouse.
I get the feeling when you leave the nest, you're going to soar, flying high, and proud, and filled with happiness. You have been working towards your solo flight for a very long time. There may be a few landing bumps along the way, but you know you have the tools to deal with them. I think you're going to be so much better than 'just fine'! You're going to be great!!
Be gentle with yourself in the weeks and months ahead. I'm on my own and just loving it. I have never known such peace in my life. And I'm getting to know who I am and what I'm made of for the first time in my 40+ years being on this planet. I am strong. I am much healthier. I am enough! And so are you!! (((Hugs to you Harleygirl)))!!
I hope I'm not out of line by what I'm about to say, but, to be totally honest with you, I'm not suprised.
Call it a 'hunch', and I certainly don't mean to take any one else's inventory, or for one minute think that I know the answers for anyone else (heck, I don't even understand most of the questions pertaining to me), but, I've followed your posts, and all that you've been through, watched you change, grow, twist and turn, try real hard to understand, be thankful, be forgiving, be willing, and I always had a sense that that's where the majority of work was being done....by 'you'. Thats the impression I got, and, this post, and this specifically confirmed that....
Originally Posted by harleygirl92156
Been through aftercare, Al anon 2-3 times a week and tried to work through it only to realize the he EXPECTED me to work through it on my own. He thinks the only thing he has to contribute to the relationship is sobriety.........well that just isn't working for me...
I get the feeling when you leave the nest, you're going to soar, flying high, and proud, and filled with happiness. You have been working towards your solo flight for a very long time. There may be a few landing bumps along the way, but you know you have the tools to deal with them. I think you're going to be so much better than 'just fine'! You're going to be great!!
Be gentle with yourself in the weeks and months ahead. I'm on my own and just loving it. I have never known such peace in my life. And I'm getting to know who I am and what I'm made of for the first time in my 40+ years being on this planet. I am strong. I am much healthier. I am enough! And so are you!! (((Hugs to you Harleygirl)))!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
It's true. So many of us blame the lack of support, the lies, the unwillingness to "be there" when needed, etc. on the alcohol, and think when our spouse gets sober that's all magically going to go away.
Not necessarily true. Not even often true.
HG, you've done your best, we all know that. Good luck on your flight to happiness. You know what they say, "Leap and the net will appear."
Hugs,
GL
Not necessarily true. Not even often true.
HG, you've done your best, we all know that. Good luck on your flight to happiness. You know what they say, "Leap and the net will appear."
Hugs,
GL
harleygirl92156
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: IOWA
Posts: 430
Originally Posted by ICU
Harleygirl,
I hope I'm not out of line by what I'm about to say, but, to be totally honest with you, I'm not suprised.
Call it a 'hunch', and I certainly don't mean to take any one else's inventory, or for one minute think that I know the answers for anyone else (heck, I don't even understand most of the questions pertaining to me), but, I've followed your posts, and all that you've been through, watched you change, grow, twist and turn, try real hard to understand, be thankful, be forgiving, be willing, and I always had a sense that that's where the majority of work was being done....by 'you'. Thats the impression I got, and, this post, and this specifically confirmed that....
We can't do any better then our very best, and my impression is that you gave it the very, very best that you had to give. But in a marriage, it takes two. One person can't do all the work, all the compromise, all the understanding, and all the changing, and all the forgiving. That's not a marriage, that's two people getting by on one person's efforts. Not saying that his recovery wasn't an important effort on his part, because it certainly was. But like you said, that's not the only thing one should give to or receive from a spouse.
I get the feeling when you leave the nest, you're going to soar, flying high, and proud, and filled with happiness. You have been working towards your solo flight for a very long time. There may be a few landing bumps along the way, but you know you have the tools to deal with them. I think you're going to be so much better than 'just fine'! You're going to be great!!
Be gentle with yourself in the weeks and months ahead. I'm on my own and just loving it. I have never known such peace in my life. And I'm getting to know who I am and what I'm made of for the first time in my 40+ years being on this planet. I am strong. I am much healthier. I am enough! And so are you!! (((Hugs to you Harleygirl)))!!
I hope I'm not out of line by what I'm about to say, but, to be totally honest with you, I'm not suprised.
Call it a 'hunch', and I certainly don't mean to take any one else's inventory, or for one minute think that I know the answers for anyone else (heck, I don't even understand most of the questions pertaining to me), but, I've followed your posts, and all that you've been through, watched you change, grow, twist and turn, try real hard to understand, be thankful, be forgiving, be willing, and I always had a sense that that's where the majority of work was being done....by 'you'. Thats the impression I got, and, this post, and this specifically confirmed that....
We can't do any better then our very best, and my impression is that you gave it the very, very best that you had to give. But in a marriage, it takes two. One person can't do all the work, all the compromise, all the understanding, and all the changing, and all the forgiving. That's not a marriage, that's two people getting by on one person's efforts. Not saying that his recovery wasn't an important effort on his part, because it certainly was. But like you said, that's not the only thing one should give to or receive from a spouse.
I get the feeling when you leave the nest, you're going to soar, flying high, and proud, and filled with happiness. You have been working towards your solo flight for a very long time. There may be a few landing bumps along the way, but you know you have the tools to deal with them. I think you're going to be so much better than 'just fine'! You're going to be great!!
Be gentle with yourself in the weeks and months ahead. I'm on my own and just loving it. I have never known such peace in my life. And I'm getting to know who I am and what I'm made of for the first time in my 40+ years being on this planet. I am strong. I am much healthier. I am enough! And so are you!! (((Hugs to you Harleygirl)))!!
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
Sobriety does not change whom the person really is deep down inside. Drinking is a way for then to escape the problems that were never dealt with. Without facing the underlining issues and dealing with them, they will never change.
harleygirl92156
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: IOWA
Posts: 430
Originally Posted by Mr. Christian
Sobriety does not change whom the person really is deep down inside. Drinking is a way for then to escape the problems that were never dealt with. Without facing the underlining issues and dealing with them, they will never change.
I don't feel it is fair to say they will never change, lumping them all together, because some do. Granted they are few and far between, but they are out there.
He did drink to escape problems, now he just ignores them. Not sure which is worse, at least when he was drinking I could use that for an excuse (codie that I was...lol) now I see it is just him. One or another he will avoid his problems......
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
You really did give it your all, HarleyGirl. So did I. And that's the important thing. I couldn't move on until I felt I'd given my relationship with Richard my all. Because of that, I have no regrets. I'm grateful for the good times we shared together and I've let go of the bad.
I'm so excited for you as you begin your new life. I'm enjoying my time alone immensely. It allows me to focus on me, and only me, for a change. I'm taking very good care of myself these days and it shows inside and out. Please take extra good care of yourself, too.
You've been deserving of this for a very long time.
I'm so excited for you as you begin your new life. I'm enjoying my time alone immensely. It allows me to focus on me, and only me, for a change. I'm taking very good care of myself these days and it shows inside and out. Please take extra good care of yourself, too.
You've been deserving of this for a very long time.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 477
HG...everything you say makes sense. I wasn't married to an A but often wondered if I ever knew the real person XABF is. He claims, via his profile on another website, that he "does not drink alcohol". When we met and fell in love, he was white-knuckling it so he never was getting to terms with coping with all the "issues" which "made" him drink. I am slowly swallowing my pride now and thinking that we never were a good match. If you met your AH when he was already addicted, you've probably been married to a stranger all this time. As a result of the work you've done on yourself, you know that you can survive without him and can have a better life. Not an easy decision but go with your gut.
Hugs!
ARL
Hugs!
ARL
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
HG, I totally understand your decision. It happened to me, too. All through my marriage, my husband and I were slowly growing apart. I blamed it on the alcohol. Then, when he got sober, I realized we were miles apart. We tried to make it work, too. Recovery changes us. There was a time I was willing to settle. I'm not any more. Hugs to you.
L
L
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
You really did give it your all, HarleyGirl. So did I. And that's the important thing. I couldn't move on until I felt I'd given my relationship with Richard my all. Because of that, I have no regrets. I'm grateful for the good times we shared together and I've let go of the bad.
Take good care of yourself and be excited for the future. There are excited and wonderful things awaiting you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: looking for the sun in cold MN
Posts: 775
Didn't want it to be this way, tried my best and that is all I can do. I guess what I want to say is if your alcoholic is active and you pray for sobriety for them expecting it to make it all better, think again, it just doesn't work that way.
I feel the same way Harleygirl. I was naieve. I thought when my AH went to treatment things would be so much better, but they got worse. I expected a lot from him, he thought his quitting the alcohol would be enough. It isn't. We've grown apart in so many ways. I don't like who he is now- and I keep wondering if it's the alcoholic personality- or just him. I guess it doesn't really matter. Life is too short to wait for the man I married to reappear. He is who he is, and I can't live with it anymore. I'm in your boat. . . scared, but hopeful. Good luck to you too!
I feel the same way Harleygirl. I was naieve. I thought when my AH went to treatment things would be so much better, but they got worse. I expected a lot from him, he thought his quitting the alcohol would be enough. It isn't. We've grown apart in so many ways. I don't like who he is now- and I keep wondering if it's the alcoholic personality- or just him. I guess it doesn't really matter. Life is too short to wait for the man I married to reappear. He is who he is, and I can't live with it anymore. I'm in your boat. . . scared, but hopeful. Good luck to you too!
Live, Laugh, Love
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Between Fenway and the Beach!
Posts: 1,301
Originally Posted by harleygirl92156
He did drink to escape problems, now he just ignores them. Not sure which is worse, at least when he was drinking I could use that for an excuse (codie that I was...lol) now I see it is just him. One or another he will avoid his problems......
I wish you the best of luck, it truly sounds like you did your best all along
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: land of the sick and tired
Posts: 68
I commend you for all of the work you have done in the marriage. I am being told now by my AH that I have basically thrown in the towel and not given him a chance. WHAT??????? I tolerated his drinking for 13 years. I feel like I should have done something a long time ago regarding boundaries and counseling. I have asked my AH to quit numerous times in the past 13 years but only after I told him that I was "done" did he stop drinking. Not currently working AA, but seeing a counselor.
I feel like my AH could become the church-going, most giving person in the world and it wouldnt make a difference to me. I cannot be married to this person any longer. He and I have grown so far apart - He has yet to see this since he has been sober for only 5 months.
I wish you the best. Just as someones avatar on SR says "Letting Go does not mean giving up. It just means that some things are not meant to be"
I feel like my AH could become the church-going, most giving person in the world and it wouldnt make a difference to me. I cannot be married to this person any longer. He and I have grown so far apart - He has yet to see this since he has been sober for only 5 months.
I wish you the best. Just as someones avatar on SR says "Letting Go does not mean giving up. It just means that some things are not meant to be"
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