Oh what a night...
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CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
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Very proud of you hmbld! for holding your own and putting that foot down for what is right for you!
If you want to visit him that is your choice, and if you do not that is your choice too! Be gentle with yourself on this and do what you feel within yourself because that will be the right choice!
P.S. I do not blame you for not liking driving in NJ I live here and cannot stand it! LOL
If you want to visit him that is your choice, and if you do not that is your choice too! Be gentle with yourself on this and do what you feel within yourself because that will be the right choice!
P.S. I do not blame you for not liking driving in NJ I live here and cannot stand it! LOL
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Very proud of you hmbld! for holding your own and putting that foot down for what is right for you!
If you want to visit him that is your choice, and if you do not that is your choice too! Be gentle with yourself on this and do what you feel within yourself because that will be the right choice!
P.S. I do not blame you for not liking driving in NJ I live here and cannot stand it! LOL
If you want to visit him that is your choice, and if you do not that is your choice too! Be gentle with yourself on this and do what you feel within yourself because that will be the right choice!
P.S. I do not blame you for not liking driving in NJ I live here and cannot stand it! LOL
My daughter's counselor told us both that he would more than likely relapse a time or two before he gets it right. Now he can relapse in the comfort of his own place, and her and I don't have to be privy to it. It's totally on him now if he makes it or not. I'm not really concerned either way. Sure I'm rooting for him to succeed, but I don't have this huge weight on me like I used to with regards to it.
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By the way..
He's dealing with every bit of this mess on his own. The car insurance company, health insurance etc... I am hands off with all of it. The nice part is he didn't assume I'd take care of it, he didn't even ask, he just started doing it all on his own. So one more boundary taken care of there. Not cleaning up his messes.
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Need some help here...
I'm trying to evaluate if my actions, reactions, handling etc.. is enabling or co-dependent behavior.
1. I'm not angry, not at all. My friends find this odd. Is it odd or is it normal? Am I not angry because I set a boundary and stuck to it, or is it because I am not really addressing the situation, essentially denial?
2. I still talk to him on a daily basis. Some conversations are a matter of household coordination (what bill did you pay already, what is coming due next, what are the online account numbers yada yada) other conversations are solely just conversation (how are you doing? What all did you do today? How was the doctor's appointment..) He's expressed that he's sorry, I've expressed that I'm sorry too (not for anything on my part, merely the situation). My friends feel I should cut off all contact period. Is my contact with him enabling him? I've not wavered on my stance that he can no longer live here, but now I'm getting kind of freaked out that I may be enabling him by not being all pissy and is me being cordial to him going to make things worse? It's all so confusing.
I'm holding strong on my boundaries, but are my boundaries not solid boundaries? I guess I'm feeling that I should somehow be doing more, but then I think that is the control freak coming out, trying to control his actions with my actions. I dunno, I'm just all kinds of confused with what I should and should not be doing at this point. HEEEEELP!
1. I'm not angry, not at all. My friends find this odd. Is it odd or is it normal? Am I not angry because I set a boundary and stuck to it, or is it because I am not really addressing the situation, essentially denial?
2. I still talk to him on a daily basis. Some conversations are a matter of household coordination (what bill did you pay already, what is coming due next, what are the online account numbers yada yada) other conversations are solely just conversation (how are you doing? What all did you do today? How was the doctor's appointment..) He's expressed that he's sorry, I've expressed that I'm sorry too (not for anything on my part, merely the situation). My friends feel I should cut off all contact period. Is my contact with him enabling him? I've not wavered on my stance that he can no longer live here, but now I'm getting kind of freaked out that I may be enabling him by not being all pissy and is me being cordial to him going to make things worse? It's all so confusing.
I'm holding strong on my boundaries, but are my boundaries not solid boundaries? I guess I'm feeling that I should somehow be doing more, but then I think that is the control freak coming out, trying to control his actions with my actions. I dunno, I'm just all kinds of confused with what I should and should not be doing at this point. HEEEEELP!
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If you are comfortable having conversations, well heck there ain't no rule you have to cut off communication. Establishing a no contact rule is usually done because we need it for one reason or another. If you don't need it, you don't need it.
The lack of anger could either be a healthy reaction or not. If you aren't angry because you have successfully detached yourself, wonderful. If you aren't feeling anger because you are suppressing it, that may be a problem for you. But only you can know which applies.
The lack of anger could either be a healthy reaction or not. If you aren't angry because you have successfully detached yourself, wonderful. If you aren't feeling anger because you are suppressing it, that may be a problem for you. But only you can know which applies.
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For me...any kind of contact to my former spouse is akin to aiding the enemy. He enjoys the communication because it makes him feel connected to me...soothes his self hatred and makes him feel that someone is willing to hear him.
That, for me, is taking away his pain, and Im not willing to do that.
I will talk with him when I see constructive, consistent change in behavior.
That, for me, is taking away his pain, and Im not willing to do that.
I will talk with him when I see constructive, consistent change in behavior.
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So I'm talking to my father in-law this morning, and I know he is well intentioned, but man he was making me crazy. He said that he figured that this incident was probably a wake up call and commenced to give me advice on how I should handle all of this. The thing is, I've been handling "this" for about ten years. I've seen every trick in the book, every tactic, every excuse. They are just now starting their involvement so they haven't had the disappointments time after time, so of course they're a bit more optimistic than myself.
I told him that I'm not concerning myself with regards to if this has been a wake up call or not. I'm not involving myself in it period, and that they needed to be very careful when it comes to believing anything he says, because if he has new ears to listen, he'll pull out every sad story in the book to lay on them, and it's all merely a tactic to garner sympathy and justify his addiction.
I know he was just trying to help, and God love him for trying. I'm not really looking for advice on how to deal with him, I think I'm doing okay with all of that, was merely getting it off my chest.
I told him that I'm not concerning myself with regards to if this has been a wake up call or not. I'm not involving myself in it period, and that they needed to be very careful when it comes to believing anything he says, because if he has new ears to listen, he'll pull out every sad story in the book to lay on them, and it's all merely a tactic to garner sympathy and justify his addiction.
I know he was just trying to help, and God love him for trying. I'm not really looking for advice on how to deal with him, I think I'm doing okay with all of that, was merely getting it off my chest.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
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Hang in there hmbld. I'm in the same situation....for the last 6 months. AW has an apartment since she can't stay sober. It might take a relapse or two or ten. Mine's still figuring it out. What I do know is that there is peace in my house, although it's a lot of work being the primary caregiver to two teenage boys! The longer she's away the tougher it will be to get back together. It's weird.....
Stay tough!
Stay tough!
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I have come a long way in a short time though. I took him back when he was in recovery with the understanding that he was out of here if he started again. He started again so I gave him the boot. I've not gotten myself suckered in to dealing with the hospital, insurance company, police. So, those are positive steps I think.
It's like I have this weird thing going on where I have to let go gradually. I'm in this limbo area where I don't want to be with him and I'm not getting in to his messes, yet I'm not quite ready to cut that tie completely. It's like I'm letting him destroy beyond a reasonable doubt, any of my doubts to my decisions.
It's all kinds of kooky, but it's working for me (at least for today anyway lol)
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That's what I'm hoping for. Some peace, and some stability.
The one task I am dreading is going through our bank account and our bills and really getting a handle on how deeply in debt we are. This is one of those areas that I would love to shove my head in the sand and give it over to him and say "fix this", I know keeping him in charge of the finances is not an option, but man is it going to suck taking it all over.
It's like I have this weird thing going on where I have to let go gradually. I'm in this limbo area where I don't want to be with him and I'm not getting in to his messes, yet I'm not quite ready to cut that tie completely. It's like I'm letting him destroy beyond a reasonable doubt, any of my doubts to my decisions.
It's all kinds of kooky, but it's working for me (at least for today anyway lol)
It's all kinds of kooky, but it's working for me (at least for today anyway lol)
I think you're doing great!!!
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well..........my booty DOES have many marks on it in my course of learning.
just keep on being honest, open and willing to what people have to share with you and you will recover.
I think youre doing very well.....his poor parents, tho, they are miles behind you, and I fear have tons of pain ahead.
just keep on being honest, open and willing to what people have to share with you and you will recover.
I think youre doing very well.....his poor parents, tho, they are miles behind you, and I fear have tons of pain ahead.
"It's like I have this weird thing going on where I have to let go gradually. I'm in this limbo area where I don't want to be with him and I'm not getting in to his messes, yet I'm not quite ready to cut that tie completely. It's like I'm letting him destroy beyond a reasonable doubt, any of my doubts to my decisions." ...yep hmbld
and i don't think your botching anything! your doing the very best you can to do what is right for him and you. i find it very endearing that you have the love and kindness to want to get it right. you care period! you sound a lot like me.
i have stopped talking to others about what is going on in my marriage because all the different advice and opinions just became too overwelming. i'm really finding peace in the "quiet" right now of trying to figure things out on my own or just letting them happened, letting God.
"And that's what progress is...it's a gradual thing! We know we're on the right track when what ever we decide to do, or don't do, is working for us!"...thanks ICU
and i don't think your botching anything! your doing the very best you can to do what is right for him and you. i find it very endearing that you have the love and kindness to want to get it right. you care period! you sound a lot like me.
i have stopped talking to others about what is going on in my marriage because all the different advice and opinions just became too overwelming. i'm really finding peace in the "quiet" right now of trying to figure things out on my own or just letting them happened, letting God.
"And that's what progress is...it's a gradual thing! We know we're on the right track when what ever we decide to do, or don't do, is working for us!"...thanks ICU
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