Oh what a night...

Old 12-17-2007, 05:39 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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yes it is enabling, but not on her part...the parents.

Trying to control unrecovered al-anons is just as difficult as comtrolling the alcoholic.....if not worse!!!
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Old 12-17-2007, 08:00 AM
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Originally Posted by steve11694 View Post
would "bailing an alc out of jail" not be enabling?

Actually, the didn't arrest him or take him to jail. Weird, I always thought they did that, but I've never dealt with a DUI/DWI situation before, so what do I know?
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Old 12-17-2007, 08:13 AM
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Very proud of you hmbld! for holding your own and putting that foot down for what is right for you!

If you want to visit him that is your choice, and if you do not that is your choice too! Be gentle with yourself on this and do what you feel within yourself because that will be the right choice!



P.S. I do not blame you for not liking driving in NJ I live here and cannot stand it! LOL
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Old 12-17-2007, 12:33 PM
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Originally Posted by Rella927 View Post
Very proud of you hmbld! for holding your own and putting that foot down for what is right for you!

If you want to visit him that is your choice, and if you do not that is your choice too! Be gentle with yourself on this and do what you feel within yourself because that will be the right choice!



P.S. I do not blame you for not liking driving in NJ I live here and cannot stand it! LOL
Thanks. I'm feeling all kinds of Zen calm today. He and I talked over the weekend and it was cordial. He's going to find an apartment of his own, that way we'll each have our own space but he'll be close enough to be able to see his daughter. I've kept my boundary and I'm happy with myself. I have no problem with him being a part of her life and as an extension, mine, he just can't be drinking around us.

My daughter's counselor told us both that he would more than likely relapse a time or two before he gets it right. Now he can relapse in the comfort of his own place, and her and I don't have to be privy to it. It's totally on him now if he makes it or not. I'm not really concerned either way. Sure I'm rooting for him to succeed, but I don't have this huge weight on me like I used to with regards to it.
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Old 12-17-2007, 12:39 PM
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Thanks again, all of you. Miss Pink for your first comment nailed it. I was like, duh! Why did that thought not occur to me?
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Old 12-17-2007, 12:41 PM
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Originally Posted by Miss Pink View Post

Trying to control unrecovered al-anons is just as difficult as comtrolling the alcoholic.....if not worse!!!
Hey! I'm a sort of a half recovering al-anon. I'm workin on it, cut me some slack there pinky! lol
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Old 12-17-2007, 12:46 PM
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By the way..

He's dealing with every bit of this mess on his own. The car insurance company, health insurance etc... I am hands off with all of it. The nice part is he didn't assume I'd take care of it, he didn't even ask, he just started doing it all on his own. So one more boundary taken care of there. Not cleaning up his messes.
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Old 12-18-2007, 04:09 PM
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Need some help here...

I'm trying to evaluate if my actions, reactions, handling etc.. is enabling or co-dependent behavior.

1. I'm not angry, not at all. My friends find this odd. Is it odd or is it normal? Am I not angry because I set a boundary and stuck to it, or is it because I am not really addressing the situation, essentially denial?

2. I still talk to him on a daily basis. Some conversations are a matter of household coordination (what bill did you pay already, what is coming due next, what are the online account numbers yada yada) other conversations are solely just conversation (how are you doing? What all did you do today? How was the doctor's appointment..) He's expressed that he's sorry, I've expressed that I'm sorry too (not for anything on my part, merely the situation). My friends feel I should cut off all contact period. Is my contact with him enabling him? I've not wavered on my stance that he can no longer live here, but now I'm getting kind of freaked out that I may be enabling him by not being all pissy and is me being cordial to him going to make things worse? It's all so confusing.

I'm holding strong on my boundaries, but are my boundaries not solid boundaries? I guess I'm feeling that I should somehow be doing more, but then I think that is the control freak coming out, trying to control his actions with my actions. I dunno, I'm just all kinds of confused with what I should and should not be doing at this point. HEEEEELP!
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Old 12-18-2007, 04:44 PM
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If you are comfortable having conversations, well heck there ain't no rule you have to cut off communication. Establishing a no contact rule is usually done because we need it for one reason or another. If you don't need it, you don't need it.

The lack of anger could either be a healthy reaction or not. If you aren't angry because you have successfully detached yourself, wonderful. If you aren't feeling anger because you are suppressing it, that may be a problem for you. But only you can know which applies.
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Old 12-18-2007, 06:22 PM
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Originally Posted by hmbld View Post
Hey! I'm a sort of a half recovering al-anon. I'm workin on it, cut me some slack there pinky! lol
I was referring to HIS parents....not you.
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Old 12-18-2007, 06:25 PM
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For me...any kind of contact to my former spouse is akin to aiding the enemy. He enjoys the communication because it makes him feel connected to me...soothes his self hatred and makes him feel that someone is willing to hear him.

That, for me, is taking away his pain, and Im not willing to do that.
I will talk with him when I see constructive, consistent change in behavior.
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Old 12-19-2007, 07:15 AM
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Originally Posted by Miss Pink View Post
I was referring to HIS parents....not you.

Well it's true for me too. ;-)

I am coming to fully recognize how much worse I have made it for my husband and all of us with all the years of fixing and covering up his messes.
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Old 12-19-2007, 09:18 AM
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hey hmbld, i'm feeling the exact same confusion as you right now. i'll be real interested to read everyone's reply. i feel exactly like you right now.
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Old 12-22-2007, 08:50 AM
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So I'm talking to my father in-law this morning, and I know he is well intentioned, but man he was making me crazy. He said that he figured that this incident was probably a wake up call and commenced to give me advice on how I should handle all of this. The thing is, I've been handling "this" for about ten years. I've seen every trick in the book, every tactic, every excuse. They are just now starting their involvement so they haven't had the disappointments time after time, so of course they're a bit more optimistic than myself.

I told him that I'm not concerning myself with regards to if this has been a wake up call or not. I'm not involving myself in it period, and that they needed to be very careful when it comes to believing anything he says, because if he has new ears to listen, he'll pull out every sad story in the book to lay on them, and it's all merely a tactic to garner sympathy and justify his addiction.

I know he was just trying to help, and God love him for trying. I'm not really looking for advice on how to deal with him, I think I'm doing okay with all of that, was merely getting it off my chest.
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Old 12-22-2007, 08:58 AM
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Hang in there hmbld. I'm in the same situation....for the last 6 months. AW has an apartment since she can't stay sober. It might take a relapse or two or ten. Mine's still figuring it out. What I do know is that there is peace in my house, although it's a lot of work being the primary caregiver to two teenage boys! The longer she's away the tougher it will be to get back together. It's weird.....

Stay tough!
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Old 12-22-2007, 09:02 AM
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Originally Posted by hopeangel View Post
hey hmbld, i'm feeling the exact same confusion as you right now. i'll be real interested to read everyone's reply. i feel exactly like you right now.
At this point and time I'm just going with whatever works for me. I'm sure I'm botching the hell out of what I'm supposed to be doing, and what is the best course of action. I think I know that Miss Pink has the best advice on the situation, but I won't learn until my actions butt me in the behind.

I have come a long way in a short time though. I took him back when he was in recovery with the understanding that he was out of here if he started again. He started again so I gave him the boot. I've not gotten myself suckered in to dealing with the hospital, insurance company, police. So, those are positive steps I think.

It's like I have this weird thing going on where I have to let go gradually. I'm in this limbo area where I don't want to be with him and I'm not getting in to his messes, yet I'm not quite ready to cut that tie completely. It's like I'm letting him destroy beyond a reasonable doubt, any of my doubts to my decisions.

It's all kinds of kooky, but it's working for me (at least for today anyway lol)
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Old 12-22-2007, 09:07 AM
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Originally Posted by DII View Post
What I do know is that there is peace in my house, although it's a lot of work being the primary caregiver to two teenage boys! The longer she's away the tougher it will be to get back together. It's weird.....

Stay tough!

That's what I'm hoping for. Some peace, and some stability.

The one task I am dreading is going through our bank account and our bills and really getting a handle on how deeply in debt we are. This is one of those areas that I would love to shove my head in the sand and give it over to him and say "fix this", I know keeping him in charge of the finances is not an option, but man is it going to suck taking it all over.
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Old 12-22-2007, 09:50 AM
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Originally Posted by hmbld View Post
It's like I have this weird thing going on where I have to let go gradually. I'm in this limbo area where I don't want to be with him and I'm not getting in to his messes, yet I'm not quite ready to cut that tie completely. It's like I'm letting him destroy beyond a reasonable doubt, any of my doubts to my decisions.

It's all kinds of kooky, but it's working for me (at least for today anyway lol)
And that's what progress is...it's a gradual thing! We know we're on the right track when what ever we decide to do, or don't do, is working for us!

I think you're doing great!!!
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Old 12-22-2007, 11:30 AM
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well..........my booty DOES have many marks on it in my course of learning.

just keep on being honest, open and willing to what people have to share with you and you will recover.

I think youre doing very well.....his poor parents, tho, they are miles behind you, and I fear have tons of pain ahead.
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Old 12-22-2007, 01:51 PM
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"It's like I have this weird thing going on where I have to let go gradually. I'm in this limbo area where I don't want to be with him and I'm not getting in to his messes, yet I'm not quite ready to cut that tie completely. It's like I'm letting him destroy beyond a reasonable doubt, any of my doubts to my decisions." ...yep hmbld

and i don't think your botching anything! your doing the very best you can to do what is right for him and you. i find it very endearing that you have the love and kindness to want to get it right. you care period! you sound a lot like me.

i have stopped talking to others about what is going on in my marriage because all the different advice and opinions just became too overwelming. i'm really finding peace in the "quiet" right now of trying to figure things out on my own or just letting them happened, letting God.

"And that's what progress is...it's a gradual thing! We know we're on the right track when what ever we decide to do, or don't do, is working for us!"...thanks ICU
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