totallylost

I feel like I am coming out of closet. I am so hurt from months of betrayal, confusion added on top of it and just the stress of living through the day loving someone who is alcoholic. This is my second marriage and I have no children with this hubby. I have been with him for 5 years in which when I met him he was a heavy drinker. stupid me said he could stay in my life and get to know my kids if he quit drinking. Well he did quit drinking for 4 years. Alot of our time and with the children were very happy times. Over the last 18 months my life became a living hell. I have 5 children ages 17 to 7 with four of them being boys. we lived with my ex hubby for 13 years in which kids started to nickname their father Hilter. He had a bad temper and needed everything perfect. Thank God that man finally got help. My kids learned to love and trust him again. But my children look more to their step-dad for love, approval and whole works. He had a wonderful relationship with them and had they not had it they wouldn't of found that males could be kind and loving too. My whole world turned upside down 18 months when my hubby stopped working on a company he openned up. I finally went back to work to keep on taking care of everything and the drinking started back. He started drinking at home and with the neighbor who he states was having counseling sessions. All communication broken down and resentment on my part started to mount with trying to care for him and the kids as well as all the bills. 11 months ago I kicked him out of my house when I realized he and the neighbor were just to friendly. I had caught messages that were going back and forth between them and neighbors started talking about the nights I worked that they had the kids out to all hours and were drinking. I confornted him and he lied alot as well as confornted her and it came out they had their 15 minutes of fling. Well it changed my whole life and the kids. When I kicked him out that is when everything went to more of hell. He started drinking everyday heavy, got so selfish I thought I hated him. left me debt up to my eyeballs, went back to his previous job making alot of money that only him and his buddies see at the bars. I thought everyone made out great here except for the kids and I. She and her man got their life back together functioning over the fling, My hubby gets to live in a house rent free that is a spare one of his dad's and his mama does his laundry. I lived in this house raising all of my kids for the last 14 years and no longer had the comfort and security I once had being in my own home. I felt invaded. The woman was my kids best friends mom so pride I swallowed to continue to allow our children to be friends. After 4 months of living within 100 yards of her and house I could no longer take it. I moved out to a townhome clear across town, put the house up for sale. Kids changed schools, keep in contact with childhood friends and now are making new friends. Our new place is nice but still doesn't feel like home yet. I have went to the Lord for help and have had a hard time turning to others. I feel so ashamed I love someone who is a selfish drunk. As much as I hurt I forgiven both of them because hate was just consuming me. I have given this man another chance saying he has to help himself. He doesn't want a divorce, yet he doesn't work on anything. I feel crazy. I think after 11 months of being serperated that if he was going to try he would of by now. Caught in his trap he says you can't put a time limit on people's feelings. He says he loves me and the kids. His actions don't speak it to me. Oh he functions so far doesn't have to have the eye-openner drink yet and in the last few months there might even be a couple days he doesn't drink or go to the bar but when the weekend comes look out he makes up for it. The in the middle of night drunk calls don't come as regularly as they once did. I have been trying in the last couple of months to really put my foot down to him. I use to call to see if he was okay, or wanted to do something with the kids & I but got so sick of the excuses, I forgot, not answering til it worked for him. I gave up, he didn't like that but he does still call on a weekly bases. A month ago I stopped having sex with him telling him if he can't do anything with me outside of bed. I am not interested in this kind of relationship only with him. Now I get scared he will turn to someone else. I started reading books on alcohol. some of it has helped. I just feel so alone and so ashamed. Helpless would be a good word to not being able to put my family back together. I work and take care of the kids and have accomplished alot by myself some I didn't think I could do.If anyone has any suggestions I would appericate them. I am ready now to save the one I can which ME! But I don't know where or how to begin to or to heal. Thanks for listening!Dawn

Debbie

Hi Dawn and welcome,

You said it yourself, "I am ready now to save the one I can which is ME!". We can't save them, it's just not possible. We can take care of ourselves and we deserve to have happy lives. The decisions we make ultimately need to be our own but eventually we make them and they are hopefully made in helping ourselves.

Take a look around the boards. Read the power posts at the top of the anon forums, they can be very helpful. Have you been to al-anon meetings? If not, you might want to try them.

I wish I had some great words of wisdom for you but I don't. I can tell you that you will find a lot of love and support here and that in itself can be very helpful.

I hope you keep coming back. We do care.

Many hugs,
Debbie

totallylost

Thank you very much for your understanding. I called yesteday for places to attend meetings in my area. Just reading other posts I don't feel so alone now.I pray that we all find strengh and courage as we put our lives back together. Thanks again, Dawn

liddy

(((((((((dawn)))))))

you have been through so much but it sounds like your heading in the right direction as Debbie mentioned you are going to save the one you can , yourself.
Most of us have tried the yelling, threatning, crying and found we only got sicker. The alcoholic continues to drink and get drunk and we are the crazy ones running around in a circle trying the same things over and over again-thinking maybe this time it will happen. For myself I was always offering great words of wisdom, now if I just say this, they will immediately run to AA and never drink again !
The trueth is we are so powerless over alcohol and once we can accept that we can move on and do something good for ourselves.
Alanon was my life saver and still is, change takes time and slowly things do begin to change in ourselves , we react differently and even think in a different way.It is a freeing feling to know you do not have to be responsible for another person.

There is light at the end of a dark tunnel
Hugs
liddy

Sarah2003

Hi Dawn, and WELCOME!

I've gone through similar situations with my AH. I do feel your pain. I know the hurt, anger, loneliness and feelings of betrayal.

When I finally forced myself to switch my focus off of him, and onto myself, I began to feel better about me and could concentrate on MY recovery. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself.

Take care,

S