Boy, have I been wasting my breath!
Paused
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: fresno Ca
Posts: 68
Boy, have I been wasting my breath!
Well this weekend was interesting. I just found out that my husband hasn't gotten in the past 2 weeks that when I say no drinking that means none at all. I also gave him a choice 2 weeks ago to quit or I will leave. He has stopped but this weekend has decided that he has quit drinking for ME (wrong answer) and he is now working 12 hours for me ( I didn't ask to change jobs) and that if I don't like his attitude I can get out of the house because he pays the rent..... Well I was steaming!!!!!!!!! This happened yesterday. I told him he needs to quit for himself not anyone else. I picked up my puse and left. This was all because instead of waking me up ( I have been dealing with an anxiety and panick attack all night and caped off with a migrain) my son 2 years old was taking a nap, I woke up to him screaming and crying with a note on table saying went riding be back in a few hours 1:50 pm. I called his cell left a message that I am ticked he didn't wake me up our son could have hurt himself or worst off I could have taken a medication that I may have not woken up. He came home yelling and screaming. I know this is part of the mood swings but I also know he was talking to his friends and can't help but wonder if I stopped him from temptation. When we did finally talk he said he didn't know I wanted him to stop FOREVER. And that he told me he paid the rent to let me know how it feels because I have been telling him that if things don't change he will have to move. I told him I wasn't just saying that to him, I was saying that because it is the truth. He will have to leave.He was shocked and left for an hour. When he came back he said I'm sorry and lets take the kids to pizza. Wow Do I feel like I've been spinning my wheels. This fustration has gotten so great I cried for an hour and then picked myself up. How much more can I take???????
Thanks for reading any suggestions would be welcomed. Like I told him I have been dealing with his poor decision making for the past 4 years. He has pushed me to the limit. And he still made a bad choice when he wasn't drinking. He thought he was doing me a favor letting me sleep. At what price? My son can climb on anything and has a fascination with the toilet. But when it comes down to it I think I'm just fed up!!
maryl
Thanks for reading any suggestions would be welcomed. Like I told him I have been dealing with his poor decision making for the past 4 years. He has pushed me to the limit. And he still made a bad choice when he wasn't drinking. He thought he was doing me a favor letting me sleep. At what price? My son can climb on anything and has a fascination with the toilet. But when it comes down to it I think I'm just fed up!!
maryl
Last edited by maryl; 06-09-2003 at 03:39 PM.
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Mich
Posts: 212
You are NOT alone! If there is one thing I've learned in dealing with my husband, who is an alcoholic, it is that they are selfish with their time and choices...sober or not!
A word of caution, don't say something to him if you are not planning on backing it up...he won't believe you in the future..so just be prepared to do what you say
Come here often and vent whenever needed. Everyone here has been wonderful to me and supportive!
Try and go to some alanon meetings and read "codependent no more" by Melody Beattie..excellent book!! Also, a very important thing to remember: TAKE CARE OF YOU!!! Do something fun or nice for YOU EVERY DAY!!
You DIDN'T cause it, you CAN'T control it and you CAN'T cure it..no matter how much you'd like to
Keep coming back here!
A word of caution, don't say something to him if you are not planning on backing it up...he won't believe you in the future..so just be prepared to do what you say
Come here often and vent whenever needed. Everyone here has been wonderful to me and supportive!
Try and go to some alanon meetings and read "codependent no more" by Melody Beattie..excellent book!! Also, a very important thing to remember: TAKE CARE OF YOU!!! Do something fun or nice for YOU EVERY DAY!!
You DIDN'T cause it, you CAN'T control it and you CAN'T cure it..no matter how much you'd like to
Keep coming back here!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: where I need to be
Posts: 157
Maryl ((((((((hugs)))))))))))
You're right....about the selfishness.....they are also controlling and manipulative.
I've been where you are, and still find myself there from time to time. I've noticed that since I began to focus on me and my feelings I don't react to AH's irresponsibility and self-centeredness like I used to. And this didn't happen overnight, either.
I'm totally in agreement with spedteach.....we cannot control the behaviors and actions of our alcoholic husbands.
Alcoholism is a FAMILY illness. As spouses of A's, we become just as sick and messed up as them. We cannot fix them, but we CAN begin to focus on us and begin the journey of our recovery.
Please learn as much as you can about alcoholism and it's effects on the family. Try to go to some Al-Anon meetings and work to build a network of support. My support network, which does include the fabulous people on this forum, provides objective insights and a calming affect on me. They help me to remember that I only have control over my actions, feelings and behaviors.
Take care, Maryl. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Sarah
You're right....about the selfishness.....they are also controlling and manipulative.
I've been where you are, and still find myself there from time to time. I've noticed that since I began to focus on me and my feelings I don't react to AH's irresponsibility and self-centeredness like I used to. And this didn't happen overnight, either.
I'm totally in agreement with spedteach.....we cannot control the behaviors and actions of our alcoholic husbands.
Alcoholism is a FAMILY illness. As spouses of A's, we become just as sick and messed up as them. We cannot fix them, but we CAN begin to focus on us and begin the journey of our recovery.
Please learn as much as you can about alcoholism and it's effects on the family. Try to go to some Al-Anon meetings and work to build a network of support. My support network, which does include the fabulous people on this forum, provides objective insights and a calming affect on me. They help me to remember that I only have control over my actions, feelings and behaviors.
Take care, Maryl. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Sarah
Learning to love life...
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 529
Hi Maryl,
So glad u decided to share... and I KNOW you are never alone here
Alcoholics can be manipulating and unreliable at the best of times - they have NO judgement! But, I know now that this is a part of the whole disease that keeps them suffering.
One time, I went on a road trip with my mother in law, and took my youngest son with me. I left my oldest son, then 5, with my husband - never suspecting he would be in any trouble.
Well, I called when I got to my destination (6 yours away) and he was drunk and very high on crack. He was telling me that all was OK because he is not driving etc.... um, hello!!! you have your 5 yr old in the house! who's gonna take care of him? What if you pass out and he needs help / gets hurt etc?!!
Anyhow, I ended up calling a friend nearby our house to come and pick up my son for the night... he was safe - I felt so much better.
Now, I simply don't put my children in situations like that - Even tho my husband is in recovery (2 months sober), I cannot put too much responsibilty apon him... I cannot trust that he is safe; not yet.
It sounds like you are having a bit of a rough go at life right now. Remember that you are in charge of your own health and happiness... What happened with your husband leaving you and son alone was completely out of your hands - but God was watching over you
Take care
Meg
So glad u decided to share... and I KNOW you are never alone here
Alcoholics can be manipulating and unreliable at the best of times - they have NO judgement! But, I know now that this is a part of the whole disease that keeps them suffering.
One time, I went on a road trip with my mother in law, and took my youngest son with me. I left my oldest son, then 5, with my husband - never suspecting he would be in any trouble.
Well, I called when I got to my destination (6 yours away) and he was drunk and very high on crack. He was telling me that all was OK because he is not driving etc.... um, hello!!! you have your 5 yr old in the house! who's gonna take care of him? What if you pass out and he needs help / gets hurt etc?!!
Anyhow, I ended up calling a friend nearby our house to come and pick up my son for the night... he was safe - I felt so much better.
Now, I simply don't put my children in situations like that - Even tho my husband is in recovery (2 months sober), I cannot put too much responsibilty apon him... I cannot trust that he is safe; not yet.
It sounds like you are having a bit of a rough go at life right now. Remember that you are in charge of your own health and happiness... What happened with your husband leaving you and son alone was completely out of your hands - but God was watching over you
Take care
Meg
Paused
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: fresno Ca
Posts: 68
SOOO TRUE
spedteach, sarah & meg,
You are all so right.They are completely inconsiderate. I tell my husband that he comes first in his book. That is pretty sad when you have kids. To me they are number1. !! J is only happy when J gets his way. If he doesn't get to go out because of a headach I may have he is an %*@ hole. I have let him go when I needed him to be with me. Going through false labor at 8 months. He went and returned too drunk. He doesn't really go out offten but when he does he comes back drunk. Which means he mostly gets drunk at home. And bacause it is at home it should be okay. I don't like seeing him stumble around his face doesn't even look like his. The alcohol totaly transforms him. Thank you for letting me know I am not alone and I can truly feel the love. Thank You Thank You Thank You!!!!!!!!!!!
maryl
You are all so right.They are completely inconsiderate. I tell my husband that he comes first in his book. That is pretty sad when you have kids. To me they are number1. !! J is only happy when J gets his way. If he doesn't get to go out because of a headach I may have he is an %*@ hole. I have let him go when I needed him to be with me. Going through false labor at 8 months. He went and returned too drunk. He doesn't really go out offten but when he does he comes back drunk. Which means he mostly gets drunk at home. And bacause it is at home it should be okay. I don't like seeing him stumble around his face doesn't even look like his. The alcohol totaly transforms him. Thank you for letting me know I am not alone and I can truly feel the love. Thank You Thank You Thank You!!!!!!!!!!!
maryl
Paused
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Texas
Posts: 178
Hi Maryl
Say what you mean and mean what you say and only say it ONE TIME! And ACT on it!
Stop letting this man abuse you, manipulate you and belittle you. That he is paying the rent has NOTHING to do with anything. I do not know what state you in but there are laws..................he can get out and he will still pay the rent and support for you and your child! Stop the madness here. What do you want? this is the year 2003 the excuse that women use about oh I don't have any money or I can't pay the rent that is why I am here is bull.
There are resources out there you would not believe. I know! I am doing it! It takes a lot of courage but believe me it is oh soooooooooooooooo worth it in the end. Be a strong woman and stop letting a "little insignificant male" bully you around!
God Bless and Good Luck!
Stop letting this man abuse you, manipulate you and belittle you. That he is paying the rent has NOTHING to do with anything. I do not know what state you in but there are laws..................he can get out and he will still pay the rent and support for you and your child! Stop the madness here. What do you want? this is the year 2003 the excuse that women use about oh I don't have any money or I can't pay the rent that is why I am here is bull.
There are resources out there you would not believe. I know! I am doing it! It takes a lot of courage but believe me it is oh soooooooooooooooo worth it in the end. Be a strong woman and stop letting a "little insignificant male" bully you around!
God Bless and Good Luck!
Paused
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: ohio
Posts: 322
Hi Meryl
I was where you are with the " you have to stop for yourself and noone else" well.....a series of events have shown me that if they get in a program and work it, even if they start it for the wrong reasons, they may just get it anyway . One of the way alcoholics get sober is by another alcoholic, that is a big part of the AA program and the reason it has done so well in its growth. One talking to another one who talks to another one, they receive and give in return, which is part of how alanon works.
I think it is very rare that someone gets sober because of someone like me telling them how to do it. I don't know how to do it !I havent been where they are ! It sounds easy to us, just quit drinking !
It is much more complicated and it is a disease with no cure.
I would just like to add, as sarah and meg commented they can be controlling and manipulating for me the sad thing is so was I and didnt have alcoholism as an excuse !
Keep taking care of yourself
Hugs
liddy
I was where you are with the " you have to stop for yourself and noone else" well.....a series of events have shown me that if they get in a program and work it, even if they start it for the wrong reasons, they may just get it anyway . One of the way alcoholics get sober is by another alcoholic, that is a big part of the AA program and the reason it has done so well in its growth. One talking to another one who talks to another one, they receive and give in return, which is part of how alanon works.
I think it is very rare that someone gets sober because of someone like me telling them how to do it. I don't know how to do it !I havent been where they are ! It sounds easy to us, just quit drinking !
It is much more complicated and it is a disease with no cure.
I would just like to add, as sarah and meg commented they can be controlling and manipulating for me the sad thing is so was I and didnt have alcoholism as an excuse !
Keep taking care of yourself
Hugs
liddy
Paused
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: fresno Ca
Posts: 68
liddy,
You are right!! I am not in his position and never have been so it is hard for me to understand. I too have been manipulating and I can admit I probably complain way too much to him. I guess I hope that if he hears it enough he will do something about it. Which I will give him credit. 2 weeks now of no drinking but now he has to find a better way to let out his stress. Thanks for your replys .
maryl
You are right!! I am not in his position and never have been so it is hard for me to understand. I too have been manipulating and I can admit I probably complain way too much to him. I guess I hope that if he hears it enough he will do something about it. Which I will give him credit. 2 weeks now of no drinking but now he has to find a better way to let out his stress. Thanks for your replys
.maryl
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
