In the middle....I did it again
 

One of the things I have realized as a lifelong pattern is that.....I put myself in the middle. Constantly. It's a big, bad, nasty flaw of mine. I did it again yesterday. I recognized it and a light bulb went on. I now understand the old adage that "the road to hell is paved with good intentions".

I have tried to play the peacekeeper. The interpreter for my family. Between my husband and my son, between son and daughter, between my husband and my daughter. Always with the best of intentions but seldom with positive results.

The other day my A son approached me and told me that his sister had (a year or so ago) made a "My Space" for him supposedly without his permission. It was pretty bad. It showed him at his worst. Pictures of him drunk beyond belief. Not pretty. It said things that were untrue but done "as humor". My A son has since been through treatment and is doing his best to overcome his addictions. He was really angry that his sister had done this. It was out there in cyberspace for all to see and it wasn't a representation of who is today and who he is trying to be. He wanted it GONE. And I could certainly understand that. He said that he had asked her many times to remove it and she said "she couldn't".

So (here comes my bad part) I approached her and asked her to remove the My Space for her brother. AND I explained how upset he was and some of the things he said........duh. My daughter went OFF ON ME. She said that she would have been happy to do it before but he never asked her NICELY. He was a butt about it. I tried to smooth things over and help her see things from his perspective. blah blah blah

Suddenly.....it dawned on me......and I apologized to her. I had once again gotten in the middle of what SHOULD HAVE BEEN an issue between the two of them. Meddling mother. (She did remove the page, by the way, inspite of my meddling.....but she did it for me not for him and we had a good talk about me interferring in her relationship with her brother.)

This has been a behavior of mine forever. I have tried to get my husband (my A son's stepfather--the man who raised him) and my A son to love each other. If only they could see eye to eye, everything would be ok. I put myself right smack dab in the middle of them for years. Trying to mediate. Protecting. Begging. Trying to explain one to the other. It never went well and I felt "victimized" by their lack of cooperation in my efforts.

When my A son went through treatment last year, I (finally) realized that I was the one who put myself in that position. I was the one who constantly placed myself between them so that THEY COULDN'T TALK TO EACH OTHER without my interference. I have a long way to go but since I have pulled myself out from in between them.....they are making progress. They are becoming closer.

The other night my son came over for dinner. We had a lovely evening. And as he left I said "I love you" and he replied "I love YOU GUYS too". I was blown away. That may sound like a very little thing but he included my husband in that "I love you" statement. It was huge. My removing myself from the middle.........I am no longer the "barrier" between them. What will be will be. But their chances of connecting are far greater without the "meddling wall" that has kept them distanced from each other for years.

Sorry this was so long.

What a wonderful post, kindeyes.

You're just growing in leaps and bounds now!

I was always in the middle too......so much better to be out of that hot seat, for everybody's sake.

Hugs,
GL

I hate confrontation. In my life I have attempted to avoid it whenever I can, but always seem to be in the midst of it. I am realising now that I have a fear of people not getting along. In my home as a child, when my parents argued, it either led to my Dad becoming agressive and threatening, or walking out on us. He would always come back, but I am left with that fear of abandonment now. I struggle with finding another solution to conflict other than these two routes.

In my attempts at 'surviving' an arguement I am involved in, I will resort to taking blame for everything in order for the tension to pass. When others around me argue, I do as you- I 'Fix' it.

I am codependent.

I've been in training since I was three to smooth things over in family issues. That explains a lot, huh?

Letting it go is sooooo hard when you've had years of experience 'holding on', even when it wasn't your issue to begin with. I still struggle with it today, but I have a plan of attack....I ask myself so many questions now before I say or do something. By that time, I'm too emotionally drained to do anything, LOL!!

Nice message Kindeyes!! :)

Very good post. I just posted about being in the middle on Adult Children of A's board.
It is amazing how when you remove yourself from the middle, you're actually allowing others to be responsible for themselves.

The steps have taught me a few lessons that have made a huge difference.
1. I am learning to stop taking everyone else's inventory and start taking my own. There is enough work to do on myself. 2. When I am wrong, I promptly admit it.
Trying to make all the relationships work is really about control and co-dependence. Thankfully, I have also learned that I am not as powerful as I thought. Those around me are glad I am learning these lessons as well.
It is that old image that what is inside our hoola-hoop is all that should concerns us. KINDEYES I have been guilty of the same behavior.
My son that is kinda trying to get his life in order has a difficult time voices his needs and emotions. Thank you for this reminder. If I am quick to jump in he won't have to grow or he will resent me.
I have learned a lot from my addict.

SS
This is a huge trigger for my behavior. My son will express his need for help by getting angry or talking nonsense or getting frustrated. It's sooooooo hard for me not to just jump in and either 1) Tell him what to do to make it better 2) Do it for him. I'm really really really bad about that.

I'm trying now to just say "hmmmm" when he does that and not say anything or DO anything unless he actually asks for my input (which he usually doesn't). Resisting the urge to make everything all better or explain to him why what he is saying doesn't make sense is so very hard.

That urge bites me with regularity but I'm starting to get it.

Kindeyes glad you had that light bulb! It is a great feeling when we are able to recognize those!

Removing myself from the middle of most everything in my family now has given me a greater peace within-it takes time to feel the numbness of actually being able to feel and be HAPPY! But, it is worth every step and I would not change it for anything! :Val004:

Happy for you!