Help!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 407
Help!!!
First time on site - where do I begin? Alcoholic husband that is a binge drinker. Has been drinking now for two weeks - each day is getting worse. He leaves in the morning for work(?) and has needed help getting home the last 3 work days. He is self employed, I am disabled, second marriage for both, kids all grown and out of town. How do I keep him from driving and killing himself or someone else? Help!
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Jojo
Welcome and I hope you will feel at home here.
There is really nothing you can do to stop him, unless you can take away the keys (safely for you) or call the police and tip them off (also can be dangerous for you). As you can see, this is only about the driving part. The drinking is out of your hands. Only he can change that when he is ready.
But there are thngs you can do for yourself, to help you work through this and make your own decisions on where you want your life to take you.
Read the "powerposts" at the top of Al-anon and Nar-anon here. There is a wonderful book called "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie that I also recommend reading. You'd think she had been looking in our windows and she offers wonderful tools for dealing with codependency.
And if you have not already been to a live Al-Anon meeting, try to get to one. You will find support there from wonderful people who have been where you are.
I am glad that you chose to join us on our journey here and hope you will share, vent and offer your ideas often. The people on these boards are terrific and we all help each other along the road to recovery.
Welcome and I hope you will feel at home here.
There is really nothing you can do to stop him, unless you can take away the keys (safely for you) or call the police and tip them off (also can be dangerous for you). As you can see, this is only about the driving part. The drinking is out of your hands. Only he can change that when he is ready.
But there are thngs you can do for yourself, to help you work through this and make your own decisions on where you want your life to take you.
Read the "powerposts" at the top of Al-anon and Nar-anon here. There is a wonderful book called "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie that I also recommend reading. You'd think she had been looking in our windows and she offers wonderful tools for dealing with codependency.
And if you have not already been to a live Al-Anon meeting, try to get to one. You will find support there from wonderful people who have been where you are.
I am glad that you chose to join us on our journey here and hope you will share, vent and offer your ideas often. The people on these boards are terrific and we all help each other along the road to recovery.
Paused
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Southern Maryland
Posts: 169
Jojo:
I'm sorry to hear that you too are a member of this club of people affected by alcohol.
As far as the driving thing goes, I recommend that you do some practical things to protect yourself.
First, of course, do not get into a vehicle with him. Don't let him take any passengers. Also consider whose name the car is registered in (yours, his, jointly), insurance issues, and joint assets (like your home). If he should get himself into an accident, see to it that you won't be liable for damages, loose your home or your own transporation.
As far as protecting the general public, you can't keep track of where he is and what he is doing 24/7. That's reacting and controlling. It will drive you insane.
If your gut is telling you that he is a danger to himself and others while this binging is going on, you are right. You cannot change him, you will most likely not be able to make him see how out of control he is. You cannot save the world or him. You can only save yourself.
Seek support from family, friends, alanon, church members, neighbors, etc. You'll need people to talk to in order to relieve the stress, a place to stay in case of emergency.
Find alternative ways of structuring your life so that you are not dependent on him (financially, emotionally, etc). If you are dependent on an alcoholic, you will eventually sacrifice your own mental health by feeling trapped all the time.
And, I agree with Ann. Get the book by Melody Beattie. I've re-read it several times now, and it is a lifesaver!
You're not alone!
I'm sorry to hear that you too are a member of this club of people affected by alcohol.
As far as the driving thing goes, I recommend that you do some practical things to protect yourself.
First, of course, do not get into a vehicle with him. Don't let him take any passengers. Also consider whose name the car is registered in (yours, his, jointly), insurance issues, and joint assets (like your home). If he should get himself into an accident, see to it that you won't be liable for damages, loose your home or your own transporation.
As far as protecting the general public, you can't keep track of where he is and what he is doing 24/7. That's reacting and controlling. It will drive you insane.
If your gut is telling you that he is a danger to himself and others while this binging is going on, you are right. You cannot change him, you will most likely not be able to make him see how out of control he is. You cannot save the world or him. You can only save yourself.
Seek support from family, friends, alanon, church members, neighbors, etc. You'll need people to talk to in order to relieve the stress, a place to stay in case of emergency.
Find alternative ways of structuring your life so that you are not dependent on him (financially, emotionally, etc). If you are dependent on an alcoholic, you will eventually sacrifice your own mental health by feeling trapped all the time.
And, I agree with Ann. Get the book by Melody Beattie. I've re-read it several times now, and it is a lifesaver!
You're not alone!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 407
It was so nice to go online and find responses to my plea for help. I understand that I can't change him but it breaks my heart to see him like this. He is a binge drinker and goes for long periods clean and sober - not just dry. He hadn't been drinking in two years so I guess I let my guard down and this caught me by surprise.
I wish I was in a postion to be independent financially but have fibromyalgia and it is severe enough that I am considered disabled by Social Security and that is all the income that I have. I am totally dependent on his earnings. I used to be a can do and "I can fix anything" kind of gal but that has become alot tougher since I have been unable to work. One's tolerance for putting up with things becomes alot higher when one can't see any good options!
He has agreed to go to counselling and says that he will let me drive him until (if) he can get a handle on this binge. I'm going to take him to an AA meeting tonight. He says that today but who knows what he will say tomorrow.
I have been to several AlAnon meetings but have been very disappointed. People seem to spend alot of time griping about their lives instead of instead of sharing constructive information, which is what I am most interested in.
Short of becoming a "bag lady" or going to live with my daughter, I just don't see any alternative to trying to ride this out and try to keep him and others safe.
Thanks for listening and I will be greatful for any suggestions.
I wish I was in a postion to be independent financially but have fibromyalgia and it is severe enough that I am considered disabled by Social Security and that is all the income that I have. I am totally dependent on his earnings. I used to be a can do and "I can fix anything" kind of gal but that has become alot tougher since I have been unable to work. One's tolerance for putting up with things becomes alot higher when one can't see any good options!
He has agreed to go to counselling and says that he will let me drive him until (if) he can get a handle on this binge. I'm going to take him to an AA meeting tonight. He says that today but who knows what he will say tomorrow.
I have been to several AlAnon meetings but have been very disappointed. People seem to spend alot of time griping about their lives instead of instead of sharing constructive information, which is what I am most interested in.
Short of becoming a "bag lady" or going to live with my daughter, I just don't see any alternative to trying to ride this out and try to keep him and others safe.
Thanks for listening and I will be greatful for any suggestions.
Paused
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: ohio
Posts: 322
Jojo
welcome, this is the place ! sure we may complain at times or share the grief but all and all we're a jolly group trying one day at a time to find happiness and comfort.
Try not to give up on alanon I am in 3 different groups and i dont see the complaining in those who have been in for a time. Us new comers are usualy the ones because we just havent gotten it yet ! keep coming back and seek out those who have been in recovery for awhile, they have rich full lives whether the alcholic is drinking or not !
God Bless you
liddy
welcome, this is the place ! sure we may complain at times or share the grief but all and all we're a jolly group trying one day at a time to find happiness and comfort.
Try not to give up on alanon I am in 3 different groups and i dont see the complaining in those who have been in for a time. Us new comers are usualy the ones because we just havent gotten it yet ! keep coming back and seek out those who have been in recovery for awhile, they have rich full lives whether the alcholic is drinking or not !
God Bless you
liddy
Learning to love life...
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 529
Hi jojo,
So glad u found us
We all have felt thses same feeling in one way or another... some of us are still struggling, and some of us have found a more peaceful path.
I am so sorry that you found your first few alanon meetings dissapointing - believe it or not, MOST people DO. I truly believe that it depends on what you are hoping to FIND in alanon. I went to my first few meetings waiting for someone to give me a descriptive list of 1. what I could do to "help" him to quit and 2. exactly what the "cure" was for MY depression.
But heres the thing... Alanon isn't for the drinker at all. No one in these groups will ever say "take him to this treatment center" or "get him a prescription for this drug" or "take him to see this counsellor" or "tell him THESE exact words, and he will stop". Neither will they say "THIS is your problem... THIS is what you need to do, and all will be well"... (not trying to be sarcastic
)
What you WILL hear is people who live with, or have lived with, or are even effected by a loved-ones drinking... brothers, sister, mothers, fathers, cousins, friends and spouses. They WILL most likely be talking about themselves... about what is going on in their lives, what they are struggling with... sharing their stories. It is when we relate to and recognize ourselves in their stories, that we begin to heal. We realize we are powerless to stop the alcoholic from drinking, but also that it IS possible to have peace and harmony for ourselves. We CAN be healthy and happy, even if our loved-one is still using - it MUST be possible... there are people here who have been where I have been (and even worse), and are finding a way to live and LOVE their lives!
I hope that you are willing to try again - perhaps try listening for a while . And maybe you'll find the releif I have, in having somewhere to share the insanity that is my life... and NOT having anyones' jaw drop. No one gave unwanted advice, no one instructed me or told me what to do; they just listened, nodded their heads in understanding, and told me to "keep coming back". It has been just over a year for me now... I LOVE my meeting nights :p
Take care jojo,
and keep coming back here too!
Meg
So glad u found us
We all have felt thses same feeling in one way or another... some of us are still struggling, and some of us have found a more peaceful path.
I am so sorry that you found your first few alanon meetings dissapointing - believe it or not, MOST people DO. I truly believe that it depends on what you are hoping to FIND in alanon. I went to my first few meetings waiting for someone to give me a descriptive list of 1. what I could do to "help" him to quit and 2. exactly what the "cure" was for MY depression.
But heres the thing... Alanon isn't for the drinker at all. No one in these groups will ever say "take him to this treatment center" or "get him a prescription for this drug" or "take him to see this counsellor" or "tell him THESE exact words, and he will stop". Neither will they say "THIS is your problem... THIS is what you need to do, and all will be well"... (not trying to be sarcastic
)What you WILL hear is people who live with, or have lived with, or are even effected by a loved-ones drinking... brothers, sister, mothers, fathers, cousins, friends and spouses. They WILL most likely be talking about themselves... about what is going on in their lives, what they are struggling with... sharing their stories. It is when we relate to and recognize ourselves in their stories, that we begin to heal. We realize we are powerless to stop the alcoholic from drinking, but also that it IS possible to have peace and harmony for ourselves. We CAN be healthy and happy, even if our loved-one is still using - it MUST be possible... there are people here who have been where I have been (and even worse), and are finding a way to live and LOVE their lives!
I hope that you are willing to try again - perhaps try listening for a while
. And maybe you'll find the releif I have, in having somewhere to share the insanity that is my life... and NOT having anyones' jaw drop. No one gave unwanted advice, no one instructed me or told me what to do; they just listened, nodded their heads in understanding, and told me to "keep coming back". It has been just over a year for me now... I LOVE my meeting nights :p Take care jojo,
and keep coming back here too!
Meg
I used to work here ;)
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: I live in Trevose, PA & collect Barbies :)
Posts: 2,024
Hi Jojo and welcome to the forums!!
I was always worried about my hubby and the driving and drinking thing and of course the has burnt his bridges with that. He will never get his license back but thank God he has never hurt anyone.
With the help of Al-Anon and my friends here at this site. I have learned to lead a somewhat happy and serene life and I am STILL with my hubby. I love him and I choose to stay with him.
I don't think its simple at all. Not every thing is black and white and not everyones situation is exactly the same. If it were that simple, I think our lives would be a bit more peaceful
Everyone makes different choices in their relationships that work best for them. I have hope and faith that he will find his journey of recovery for good some day
I hope you stick around because this place and the people are the best!!
Take care.
Many hugs,
Debbie
I was always worried about my hubby and the driving and drinking thing and of course the has burnt his bridges with that. He will never get his license back but thank God he has never hurt anyone.
With the help of Al-Anon and my friends here at this site. I have learned to lead a somewhat happy and serene life and I am STILL with my hubby. I love him and I choose to stay with him.
I don't think its simple at all. Not every thing is black and white and not everyones situation is exactly the same. If it were that simple, I think our lives would be a bit more peaceful
Everyone makes different choices in their relationships that work best for them. I have hope and faith that he will find his journey of recovery for good some day
I hope you stick around because this place and the people are the best!!
Take care.
Many hugs,
Debbie
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 407
Pretty Woman -
I appreciate you taking the time to write me but have a problem with such a simplistic answer. Get help and then get out? What could be easier!!!!!
Before giving such advice to anyone, it would probably help to know their situation. Yes, I realize that all of us have the same basic situation but everyone has different circumstances that need to be taken into consideration.
My husband entered detox today and hopefully, it will get him started in the right direction again. We are both in our mid-fifties. He was clean and sober for 18 years but has relapsed 3 times in the last 6 years. He is a kind, loving and gentle man 95% of the time so, for now, I am just trying to find a way to get through this.
Thanks for caring enough to share your thoughts.
Jo
I appreciate you taking the time to write me but have a problem with such a simplistic answer. Get help and then get out? What could be easier!!!!!
Before giving such advice to anyone, it would probably help to know their situation. Yes, I realize that all of us have the same basic situation but everyone has different circumstances that need to be taken into consideration.
My husband entered detox today and hopefully, it will get him started in the right direction again. We are both in our mid-fifties. He was clean and sober for 18 years but has relapsed 3 times in the last 6 years. He is a kind, loving and gentle man 95% of the time so, for now, I am just trying to find a way to get through this.
Thanks for caring enough to share your thoughts.
Jo
Member
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: where I need to be
Posts: 157
Jojo,
I agree with you. My AH is also in recovery. We're separated while we work individually on our own recovery programs.....he's active now in AA and has a sponsor. I'm seeing a therapist, have Al-Anon and these terrific people who have offered me support, encouragement and their experiences without judging me.
I don't know where this journey will lead AH and I, but for now, I have tempered my needy desire to have all the answers right now. I'm really working on that.
It sounds like you have a very good foundation. It sounds like you're doing a very good job of detatching wit love.
Take care, Jojo. My thoughts and prayers are with you,
Sarah
I agree with you. My AH is also in recovery. We're separated while we work individually on our own recovery programs.....he's active now in AA and has a sponsor. I'm seeing a therapist, have Al-Anon and these terrific people who have offered me support, encouragement and their experiences without judging me.
I don't know where this journey will lead AH and I, but for now, I have tempered my needy desire to have all the answers right now. I'm really working on that.
It sounds like you have a very good foundation. It sounds like you're doing a very good job of detatching wit love.
Take care, Jojo. My thoughts and prayers are with you,
Sarah
Paused
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Texas
Posts: 178
JoJo
In my opinion it does not matter what the situation is...............abuse is abuse! To what length are you willing to take a "situation" as an excuse to stay in an abusive relationship? in the name of love? Love is not abusive. It is all about choices. As you can tell I have zero tolerance for any abuse especially if there are children involved. God Bless!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: North Vancouver, British Columbia
Posts: 1,714
Whoa Prettywoman - where does Jojo mention abuse? Seems like you have zero tolerance for anyone's situation, no matter what the facts are. Jojo already explained her rationale for staying, so why post go on to post what you did after that? I don't remember anyone being so short with you when you first came here looking for help. Please remember that everyone's situation is different. I'm glad that you were able to make the best choice for YOU, but what applies to you doesn't apply to everyone else. If things were so simplistic, there would be no need for these forums, Al-anon, Nar-anon, or any other support system out there.
I used to work here ;)
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: I live in Trevose, PA & collect Barbies :)
Posts: 2,024
I have to agree with Margo. Not everything is so black and white and choices aren't so easily made. Everyone's situation is different. Things aren't so simple, I am glad they were that simple for you that you could make your decisions so easily. But unless you know a persons whole situation, I wouldn't be so quick in telling them how simple it is or to tell them what to do. It is their choice to make, not yours.
Last edited by Debbie; 06-10-2003 at 08:34 PM.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: The Basement
Posts: 724
Well put Margo. Hi JoJo, sometimes we deviate from our primary purpose, which is to help and support eachother, but this is a great and very knowledgeable group of people. I also hope you stick around and don't forget to do some special things for yourself while your husbands on hiatus.
I do just want to say something to PW because I have been reading a lot of your posts and I realized something very important. Most of us are codependent. I am not just codependent with my husband, i am pretty much codependent with everyone in my life. I am grateful that my husbands relapse brought me to Alanon because it has opened up my world and enlightened me as to the freedom that comes from focusing on me. My parents are here for a week and if I am codependent with anyone, it's them. I am so thank-ful that i have my husband to practice all this stuff on because they're the ones that really frazzle me at times. Thanks to Alanon, I think I'm handling them pretty great. I almost feel bad that his misfortune has opened up a world of self discovery and growth for me. however, by watching me change, he's done some changing too. It's all part of the grand scheme of things and it's not our plan. Sometimes you have to take a risk and see why god has put this path in-front of you. Maybe if you had stayed, you would have been able to work on your codependency and you wouldn't feel the constant need to save everyone on this board. A very big part of codependency is not being able to separate yourself from others. I take it your relationship was abusive and that is truly awful. However your abuse happened to you within your relationship. It does not mean that everyone involved with an alcoholic man is experiencing that same abuse. it is important when you reply to others that you keep that in mind.
I do just want to say something to PW because I have been reading a lot of your posts and I realized something very important. Most of us are codependent. I am not just codependent with my husband, i am pretty much codependent with everyone in my life. I am grateful that my husbands relapse brought me to Alanon because it has opened up my world and enlightened me as to the freedom that comes from focusing on me. My parents are here for a week and if I am codependent with anyone, it's them. I am so thank-ful that i have my husband to practice all this stuff on because they're the ones that really frazzle me at times. Thanks to Alanon, I think I'm handling them pretty great. I almost feel bad that his misfortune has opened up a world of self discovery and growth for me. however, by watching me change, he's done some changing too. It's all part of the grand scheme of things and it's not our plan. Sometimes you have to take a risk and see why god has put this path in-front of you. Maybe if you had stayed, you would have been able to work on your codependency and you wouldn't feel the constant need to save everyone on this board. A very big part of codependency is not being able to separate yourself from others. I take it your relationship was abusive and that is truly awful. However your abuse happened to you within your relationship. It does not mean that everyone involved with an alcoholic man is experiencing that same abuse. it is important when you reply to others that you keep that in mind.
Learning to love life...
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 529
Hi guys,
I have to agree... I don't think that because we are living with an A, that we are being "abused".
It sounds like you are very angry prettywoman...?
Try to understand that we are all unique and we all need room to make choices - our OWN choices.
Perhaps SHARE your story, instead of forcing opinions.
Geesh... I never get involved in controversy...
Love u all
Meg
I have to agree... I don't think that because we are living with an A, that we are being "abused".
It sounds like you are very angry prettywoman...?
Try to understand that we are all unique and we all need room to make choices - our OWN choices.
Perhaps SHARE your story, instead of forcing opinions.
Geesh... I never get involved in controversy...
Love u all
Meg
Queen of one liners
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: walking beside you! Not in front of you.
Posts: 658
JoJo;
Welcome, Please know that you are not alone UNLESS you choose to be.....
In Al-Anon I learned I DIDNT CAUSE IT, I CAN'T CONTROL IT, AND I CAN'T CURE IT......Sounds simple and does hard BUT it is even harder to live life without the program of Al-Anon and the 12 steps.....without the support of others I'd be alone with no conscious contact with the God of my understanding...
We have a line in our meeting closing that states;
" Take what you can use and leave the rest"......
Keep coming back. It works....If you work it....
Love and prayers,
Welcome, Please know that you are not alone UNLESS you choose to be.....
In Al-Anon I learned I DIDNT CAUSE IT, I CAN'T CONTROL IT, AND I CAN'T CURE IT......Sounds simple and does hard BUT it is even harder to live life without the program of Al-Anon and the 12 steps.....without the support of others I'd be alone with no conscious contact with the God of my understanding...
We have a line in our meeting closing that states;
" Take what you can use and leave the rest"......
Keep coming back. It works....If you work it....
Love and prayers,
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