Hi, I'm new and need to get this out
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Manchester UK
Posts: 1,017
Hi, I'm new and need to get this out
My brother drinks, he needs to drink to seem 'normal' these days.
His wife died from breast cancer in July and left him with a 10 year old son (although my brother was living with another woman who's ex husband is A at the time) his wife also had a genetic illness that complicated the cancer and apparently my nephew has a 90% chance of inheriting this, I don't know much about that though. Anyway, I guess my story started a few years ago, my brother and his wife always liked a drink, didn't go out because of the baby so drank at home, which turned to a habit I guess.
Anyway, a few weeks ago I was talking to my brother and he was saying he was concerned about his son, getting ill as he grows up etc, and I just blurted out that that should be the last of his worries as if he carried on the way he was (ie, drinking a liter of vodka a day) he wouldn't be around to see it, it was 10 am and my brother had a vodka and coke on his work bench and was trying to cut glass for stained glass windows! About 20 minutes later, after a bit more chat he pured his drink away and then poured the remainder of a bottle away. I'm not daft, so I just said it was probably the best thing I'd seen him do for ages and asked him to go see his doctor now. He didn't, thought he could do it on his own, ended up hallucinating etc, I took him to the emergency doctor where he got medication (I forget the name right now) he went 2 weeks with no drink and was healthier than I've seen him for ages. Then he drank again, I told him I'd helped him once and I wouldn't do it again, but I'd look after his son, he agreed for his son to come live with me for a couple of weeks while he 'sorted himself out', like I said, I'm not daft, I would have had his son indefinately to keep him away from his Dads situaton, but my parens decided to step in, they took my brother and his son into their house, fed them both, looked after them both and gave my brother money. (I was only prepared to look after the child, not my brother) He, again stopped drinking for 2 weeks then went back to his house, with my nephew. One morning I saw my bro's van outside and just thought I'd call and say Hi, 10am and my nephew has missed school cos his dad has 'overslept'. The house was a tip, stank and was full of empty bottles and cans. I rang social services and explained what I knew cos I was worried about my nephew. Now my parents dont speak to me any more than they need to, my brother lies to me every time he speaks to me, social services don't seem to take me seriously. i think because the rest of my family has lied so much I look like the nutter now.
What I can't believe is, that my mum has just invited me for Christmas dinner! WTF, does she expect me to sit down with them all and be happy? Does she expect me to take my children there and let them have fun?
I think maybe I learned early on I can't do anything for my brother untill he does it for himself, but my mum and dad can't see what is under their noses, thats what hurts at the moment.
My first post, sorry, just had to share all that.
His wife died from breast cancer in July and left him with a 10 year old son (although my brother was living with another woman who's ex husband is A at the time) his wife also had a genetic illness that complicated the cancer and apparently my nephew has a 90% chance of inheriting this, I don't know much about that though. Anyway, I guess my story started a few years ago, my brother and his wife always liked a drink, didn't go out because of the baby so drank at home, which turned to a habit I guess.
Anyway, a few weeks ago I was talking to my brother and he was saying he was concerned about his son, getting ill as he grows up etc, and I just blurted out that that should be the last of his worries as if he carried on the way he was (ie, drinking a liter of vodka a day) he wouldn't be around to see it, it was 10 am and my brother had a vodka and coke on his work bench and was trying to cut glass for stained glass windows! About 20 minutes later, after a bit more chat he pured his drink away and then poured the remainder of a bottle away. I'm not daft, so I just said it was probably the best thing I'd seen him do for ages and asked him to go see his doctor now. He didn't, thought he could do it on his own, ended up hallucinating etc, I took him to the emergency doctor where he got medication (I forget the name right now) he went 2 weeks with no drink and was healthier than I've seen him for ages. Then he drank again, I told him I'd helped him once and I wouldn't do it again, but I'd look after his son, he agreed for his son to come live with me for a couple of weeks while he 'sorted himself out', like I said, I'm not daft, I would have had his son indefinately to keep him away from his Dads situaton, but my parens decided to step in, they took my brother and his son into their house, fed them both, looked after them both and gave my brother money. (I was only prepared to look after the child, not my brother) He, again stopped drinking for 2 weeks then went back to his house, with my nephew. One morning I saw my bro's van outside and just thought I'd call and say Hi, 10am and my nephew has missed school cos his dad has 'overslept'. The house was a tip, stank and was full of empty bottles and cans. I rang social services and explained what I knew cos I was worried about my nephew. Now my parents dont speak to me any more than they need to, my brother lies to me every time he speaks to me, social services don't seem to take me seriously. i think because the rest of my family has lied so much I look like the nutter now.
What I can't believe is, that my mum has just invited me for Christmas dinner! WTF, does she expect me to sit down with them all and be happy? Does she expect me to take my children there and let them have fun?
I think maybe I learned early on I can't do anything for my brother untill he does it for himself, but my mum and dad can't see what is under their noses, thats what hurts at the moment.
My first post, sorry, just had to share all that.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Welcome to SR Lucy, Im glad you found us and shared your story with us.
Its called Denial.
There are times when parents get so caught up with children because they feel the child is a direct reflection of their skills as a parent. It is very hard to sit back and watch your child hit a bottom. Heck its hard for me to watch my daughter walk out the door and drive cuz I worry. Please dont let it hurt you so much sweetie.... this is in no way about you at all... and there is not alot you can do about what they are choosing.
What I can suggest is getting into an Al-anon group. That is where I learned how to be happy with or without the Alcoholic in my life. I will not pretend that having any type of relationship with an Alcoholic (and I have had more then my share Mother, Husband, Boyfriends, Sister, Friend) is easy. I had to learn how to love the person while hating the disease.... Most of all I had to learn to detach and that is what brought me peace.
I look forward to getting to know you, stick around and keep posting and reading... Your not alone in your struggles.
Its called Denial.
There are times when parents get so caught up with children because they feel the child is a direct reflection of their skills as a parent. It is very hard to sit back and watch your child hit a bottom. Heck its hard for me to watch my daughter walk out the door and drive cuz I worry. Please dont let it hurt you so much sweetie.... this is in no way about you at all... and there is not alot you can do about what they are choosing.
What I can suggest is getting into an Al-anon group. That is where I learned how to be happy with or without the Alcoholic in my life. I will not pretend that having any type of relationship with an Alcoholic (and I have had more then my share Mother, Husband, Boyfriends, Sister, Friend) is easy. I had to learn how to love the person while hating the disease.... Most of all I had to learn to detach and that is what brought me peace.
I look forward to getting to know you, stick around and keep posting and reading... Your not alone in your struggles.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Manchester UK
Posts: 1,017
Thank you Cynay, I think I knew that, but thanks anyway, it helps when someone else confirms it. I've been reading here for a while, and I try to do Al anon online meetings, (there arent any close to me, I work silly shifts and I have two boys myself so I need to be around for them) and thats helped me keep myself strong.
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
Welcome Lucy! Glad that you found us! Please take some time and read the stickies at the top of the forum-and keep posting!
I'm sorry that you are going through this-but know you are not alone.
I have a brother(s) who is an A and currently living in a halfway house now. After years and I mean years since I was around 5 years of age....not only parents A's but also a drug addict brother-among 3 A brothers!
Anyway....I have learned through counseling and Al-Anon that I cannot do a thing about them or my mom anymore-it consumed me and my life for too long. I cannot change them and what they do but I can change me and how I react to the situations as they arise and believe me after 30 years they still arise!
As Cynay stated it is "Denial"-
You make the choice to go to dinner and make the choice to have a good time by not allowing the issue to arise and bother you or the children-or you can make the choice not to go at all!
I have learned that I have choices and they are my choices-I have learned by trying to involve myself with others and their lives even though I love them will only cause me pain, chaos and drama that I do not need! I can be there today for my family without getting mixed up in the drama!
I'm sorry that you are going through this-but know you are not alone.
I have a brother(s) who is an A and currently living in a halfway house now. After years and I mean years since I was around 5 years of age....not only parents A's but also a drug addict brother-among 3 A brothers!
Anyway....I have learned through counseling and Al-Anon that I cannot do a thing about them or my mom anymore-it consumed me and my life for too long. I cannot change them and what they do but I can change me and how I react to the situations as they arise and believe me after 30 years they still arise!
As Cynay stated it is "Denial"-
You make the choice to go to dinner and make the choice to have a good time by not allowing the issue to arise and bother you or the children-or you can make the choice not to go at all!
I have learned that I have choices and they are my choices-I have learned by trying to involve myself with others and their lives even though I love them will only cause me pain, chaos and drama that I do not need! I can be there today for my family without getting mixed up in the drama!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Manchester UK
Posts: 1,017
Thank you Rella, I should say about myself, I work in mental health and from time to time I've been involved in addiction of one form or another through work (not so much that I know it all though)
I've decided to go for dinner and take my children, but I've made it clear that if I or my kids feel uncomfortable in any way we WILL leave, I think it's unfair to keep my children away from their Grandparents on Christmas day, so we'll see how it goes, and if it's bad we can leave them to it and go have our own good time.
I've decided to go for dinner and take my children, but I've made it clear that if I or my kids feel uncomfortable in any way we WILL leave, I think it's unfair to keep my children away from their Grandparents on Christmas day, so we'll see how it goes, and if it's bad we can leave them to it and go have our own good time.
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