RosieM

Hello, all -
Don't do much posting but do a lot of reading here. Thanks to everyone! My AH is a binge drinker who refuses to get into a program. He has talked to therapists and has gone through rehab once. Was hospitalized with a brain aneurysm a year ago and has been unable to stop his binges. I think he has a transfer addiction to pornography as well - it's a hoarding thing, hundreds of mags and dvds stashed away in secret places around the house. He tries to do it alone and ends up right back at square one every time. He can go a few months w/o drinking/porning.

I know he's frightened and he seems sicker each time. I tossed him out after the most recent bout last week. Now he's saying he needs us to be "close" in order to get better.

I think I know what everyone is going to say about this but I need to hear/see it! Again, many, many thanks for the support and comfort from this group through the years. RosieM

CBrown

Sounds hard to be "close" to you when he's "closer" to the bottle and mags. How about more time with a sex addiction therapist and/or AA? Any addiction is hard to kick without help. I know I can't lose weight unless I have help from Weight Watchers. I get by with a little help from my friends!

Good luck to you ... take care of YOU too!

Kindeyes

It is hard when they return with the intent to do better, isn't it. They know exactly what we want to hear. It's hard to not believe them. Heck, we're the ones who want to believe them more than anything in the world. And they know that.

gentle hugs to you.

Barbara52

Welcome!

Sounds like a classic manipulation attempt to me.

Personally, my boundary would be show sincerity and effort for X period of time and then a discussion on moving back. No guarantees, no expectations on whether moving back will ever happen.

GiveLove

Rosie,

Yes, you're right, we all know that trick.

"I need you to be/do/give me XYZ in order to get better."

Putting the onus on YOU to make it all better, making it your fault if he doesn't choose recovery.

Typical alcoholic behavior. Sorry you're having to deal with this.

He needs therapy and a program, and until he finally chooses to get help I wouldn't listen to a whole lot he has to say. Quack. Quack. Quack. Very sad for him.

RosieM

It is sad, for us both. Everytime he binges he seems to get a little smaller somehow, more pathetic and I have to say disgusting and kind of creepy as well.

Thanks again for your help. It's almost funny - when the binges started to get really bad a few years ago, he told me it was because I snored and he had to drink to sleep at night. Then it was because I put his socks in the wrong drawer. I was devastated to think I had caused this! I am so much wiser now but it still hurts.

denny57

It does, but it also can get better. It got to the point with me that if I woke up breathing it caused AH to drink. I look back today and can't believe I bought into it all.

((()))

good_luck

Oh boy. I know this is all very serious sad stuff that we are dealing with, but I absolutely love quotes like this. Bless you, Rosie M for reminding me what it was like, and for making me laugh (not at you, at myself, and all the reasons that I drove my ex to drink...)

GiveLove

It was my fault because I wouldn't let him sleep with other women. I "caged his masculinity" I believe it was.

(postscript: He ended up being unfaithful anyway, and still drank. I think then he moved on to the sock excuse.)

Take care of yourself Rosie. You deserve a life where you don't have to deal with painful thoughts every day.

Miss Pink

I think hed say ANYTHING to get someone to continue his way of life.

Addicts/alkies dont like change, and throwing him ou is a big change..dontcha think?

Quacking is what they do, hun, believe what you see, not what he says.

RosieM

All so true! And it is funny in a way when you've heard some of the doozies. One time he thanked me for painting the porch. Thing is, I didn't paint the porch, he did..... and didn't remember it.

He's the one who has pulled away, not me. He thinks it's all about "closeness" and that it's my fault we're not "close" - but you all know the effect of alcoholism on "closeness" - both physical and emotional. It's a very isolating condition. Or maybe it's just because I put his sox in the wrong drawer. Yep, I'm pretty sure it's all my fault! ;]

Mr. Christian

Nahhhhhh,
That's a good one though. Recovery and program are done alone.

Kindeyes

Rosie.....yeah.....the "blame" they place on us is amazing.

Everything is always our fault. The DUI is "our fault". The judges attitude is "our fault". They can't get a job (or keep one if they get one) and it's "our fault". Their car won't start and it's "our fault". The sun comes up and it's "our fault". The sun goes down and "it's our fault". Anything that the A perceives as a pain in their butt is "our fault".

If you are able to step back and look at all of the things that are "our fault", we sure are powerful people!

Pick-a-name

haha.thanks for the memories! One day I said to AH...."wow! I did not know how much power and importance I had in this world,that I can command all these people,places and things! Glad you clued me in!"

Move over,Superman....I believe that I have even been held "responsible" for the weather!! haha

I suppose I can't blame him for trying,especially because for too long I half-believed him and it was working for him!

fluffyflea

No he doesn't need you to recover it needs to come from him.

Ngaire