kermit

He has asked to come back to California to enter a rehab. why here I do not know. Do I help find him a place? I don't know what to do at this point. He has no money nor insurance are there palces for him? Do I help find one?

ICU

Kermit,

I think it depends on how comfortable you are with getting involved with his situation.

But, here's an idea...I'm only repeating what I've read here, but some are of the opinion that The Salvation Army might be of some service to him if he has no money or insurance. If that's true, then maybe he doesn't need to travel back to CA.

Perhaps you could investigate that 'for your own knowledge'. Then, depending on what you find out, you could communicate that information to him (as in giving him the phone number) and put the ball back in his hands.

What do you think?

denny57

In your other post you said you'd help if he asked. I'd suggest doing what YOU think is the right thing, not what anyone here or outside of here thinks you should. Only then will you know you have done the "right" thing, no matter the outcome.

GiveLove

Kermit,

I agree with ICU. As much as you want to be the rescuer, it might be safest for your own recovery to help him by gathering resources -- preferably where HE is -- so that you don't get sucked back into his drama. He's coming where you are for obvious reasons: he, like all alcoholics, needs somebody else to make life okay for him. You're "it."

I've been through lots of episodes with my alcoholic loved ones suddenly coming to the realization they need rehab. Often, that goes away overnight or in a few days. If you invite him into your life again, when it goes away, you'll be right in the middle of crisis mode again. Is that what you really want for yourself?

Help him by helping find resources and options for him. Let him do this himself. Just my two cents...

kermit

My heart is confused right now, thats all I know

ICU

You don't have to make any decision right now! You have every right to take your time on it. Maybe write out a pros and cons list and see what that reveals to you.

FormerDoormat

Did he help you and your children when he left you all high and dry? Did he help you when you were struggling to keep a roof over your head and feed your children? Did he help pay your mortage or pay child support? If the answer is no (and I believe it is), then I'd give him the same help he offered you and your children - none. It's always been and it still is all about him. He is attempting to use you again.

The question is are you going to allow yourself to be used yet again?

kermit

I think the only thing I will do at this point is; If he comes to California and has a rehab set up for him I will drive him there and drop him on the door step. He will not stay here nor will I set up a place for him he can do that for himself.
Thanks everyone oh and FD thanks for the bottom of my heart for the reality check! Love you

FormerDoormat

That sounds like a good plan to me. Denny is right. Do whatever you think is right.

Barbara52

The if he comes to CA is a big if, isn't it?

Do whatou think is right for you, whatever that may be.

Jazzman

No doubt it is. Think how confused the kids would be? Please keep them insulated from the drama as much as you can. What approach would be better for them? Ignorance is bliss or to get their hopes up one more time? See my point?

If it were me I would protect them no matter what.

WantsOut

I wish he'd stop sucking you into these "Sophie's Choice" situations already. It's not fair for him to drink himself into homelessness and then come around with his hand out.

I think you're on a decent track - offer him a small bit of help, more for your conscience than for him, but do not get drawn back into the total drama.

We're here for you no matter what.

laurie6781

Tell him that he doesn't have to come to California. Salvation Army is right there in North Dakota and they have a GREAT rehab program.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

SaTiT

if he really wants help. there's free AA meetings everywhere.

The rest is becuase the sheit hit the fan and obviousely
it's not too convince for him at the moment.. If he has the
energy and the guts to leave you for dead. it would only
take 10% of his energy to clean himself

Is he ready ??? hell no.

He's using you. it's as simple as that.
you can feel it in your gut.

what the hell kind of BS is that ??? you looking for
place for him to stay ? He is a grown man. Sleeping
in a homeless shelter is not going to kill him
oh yes..he has so much god damn pride. He left you too
becuase of his pride.

The guilt is eating at you..nothing like contact
to get the wheels spining again.

There's millions of people where ever he is at that can
help him. There no treatment centers where he is at or what???
i live in a small community..there's VOA free treament centers here.
If there anything here..it's availiable everywhere else.lol

Will..i can't judge you too much if you do.
I pick my AGF off the floor and find places for her to live
too many damn times...and ya know..she cheated on me and left
me anyways.

No ..i hope you don't end up like me..it totally, totally suck ass.
Becuase i hate myself every god damn time when it's
not convience for her anymore.

kermit

I'm doing no foot work for him, I have decided that if he comes back to California and asks for a ride to the phoenix house(this is where he wants to go, been there 3 times) I will pick him up and drop him on their door step nothing more.

See,the girlfriend called me today and she is doing the foot work for him... She is his codie now : 0 )...........

I will let her.

SaTiT

tell him to save money for bus ticket instead of buying beer.lol
oh i forget...he's above that...

I don't know my agf accused me of not being gentleman...:rof

you're talking to his GF and making arrangments... what da ???

embraced2000

well, kermie, the very same thing happened to me 7 months ago. my ex hit an incredible bottom....from those on the outside looking in, anyway.

when he asked me for help, i said yes.....i will pray for you.

so he found his way back to his hometown...here....got into voc-rehab, applied for disability for all of his psychiatric diagnosis, sees a shrink once a month, a therapist twice a week, goes to aa twice a week, has started cleaning up all the damages he has done. he has been sober for 7 months and "appears" to be a geniune new person who has had a spiritual awakening.

i observe from a distance, for i am still very much into keeping my own serenity above and foremost. i do see him from time to time and have daily phone contact with him. i set 13 boundries.....good ole lucky 13.

among those boundries was that he would not have access to my home, i refuse to discuss past events with him, his legal issues, or his recovery. my recovery comes first, and if at any time i feel uncomfortable, i will announce it, and the communication comes to an abrupt halt.

so far, he is so totally different that i cannot believe it is him. i am cautious and careful.

but, we have no children.....so that would be a different story for me if we did.

there is always hope. but i will not allow myself to be pulled back into his drama.....so far, there has been none. but ya know how that goes.

he asked me today how long it would take before i believed and trusted in him again....my response was.....it will take as long as it takes.

only you know what you can handle to do with him. just be very, very careful and always put your peace, serenity, and recovery first, over anything that he needs or wants. if helping him threatens your peace in anyway, you will know it.

best of everything to you kermie!

lots of love to you.....i will keep you in my prayers
jeri

kermit

Embrased,Thanks you givr me hope that I'm okay in my thoughts. My kids nad our serenity comes first and for most, I will keep my distance and do my best not to get sucked in. My ex he has soooo many issues and i believe that he has mental ones too. (which worries me for my children)
I do hate thst I was contacted, it has gotten my mind going, wishing hopeing anyway, it is what it is. I told his GF or whatever she is at this point only contact me if he is dead or needs to picked up from the airport to be taken to the phoenix house.

fluffyflea

Kermit,

To tell you the truth I wouldn't answer the phone, I wouldn't drive him anywhere I'd do nothing except take care of my kids.

Let his girlfriend do it. He just wants to have two women taking care of him.

Ngaire

steve11694

when dealing with a corrupted brain as alcohol has poisoned it, one does not 100% need to live by the old addage "payback is a Bit h

It is possible that the addict Has FELT ENOUGH HEAT TO actually work towards meaningful sobriety.