hbb

Just heard a rumor that my exabf is having a baby with his exgf that he cheated on me with and go back together (but nothing was going on and they were friends). It just keeps getting better and better for me This is unbelievable to me right now. Here he owes me $10,000 and having a baby with her, so as the rumor has it......

God i'm devastated right now and don't know how to deal with this.

p.s. also that they are doing pot together and god knows what else....real nice life....

Mr. Christian

Well, you really do not have to deal with it at all.
It's his life and her's.

Your's is a different story.

hbb

Wish it was more of a different story, don't think i'll ever be able to let go, i'm so sad right now.....

GiveLove

hbb,

I know this must be a very hard night. Your brain knows that this is not your world any more and that this is no reflection on you whatsoever. It is the life chosen by two sick and dishonorable people whom you do not want in your life.

However your heart, right now, has other things going on. Take good care of yourself and see if you can keep your eyes, brain, hands, and heart busy doing healthy things for yourself until your heart catches up to your brain.

Fight back by watching a good movie (not a sad one, maybe a comedy?), turning your headphones up high with some defiant music, do some kind of exercise, clean out a closet, write a long letter that you don't intend to mail, talk to a friend and tell her "don't try to fix me, just lt me talk", chop something apart (I have a neighbor who lets off steam by chopping firewood....) Let yourself cry that you were ever involved in this mess. It is not your mess. The lies were not your lies. They're the actions of someone else who is inferior to you in every way.

Love,
GL

DesertEyes

Hey there Heather

sorry to hear you are going thru such hard times. We've all been there in one form or another.

It _does_ get better. It has for millions and millions of people in the program of al-anon. There's thousands and thousands of people who've come thru SoberRecovery and have fixed up their lives and moved on. I am one of those.

I came here a few years ago after my marriage fell apart. My ex-wife was into married men and pain pills. All kinds of other things went wrong in my life and it was the darkest times I've ever lived thru.

Today I have a life that is so wonderful I sometimes think I'm dreaming. I have a nice little condo in a new town. Have tons of new friends, a great job and I'm even dating an awesome lady I met in recovery. I _knew_ I would never date again, for ever and ever. _Never_. And here I am, happy as a clam.

Here's a few songs that I like when I get to feeling down. They're all about recovery, in my opinion

http://youtube.com/watch?v=ba7lNTuPP...elated&search=

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_oQ4y_oi9ik&NR=1

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qx7Mz-lAqMk

Mike

cdk1972

YOU WILL get over this. You will. you will. you will. BUT only if you believe you will.

SaTiT

Sorry about that hbb

guineapigjude

((((((Heather)))))) It's amazing ... we know who they are ... we know what they've done ... and we still grieve.
It's not easy letting go. And in our codie minds we think that somehow it's better for our X's and their new GFs. Maybe it is. Maybe because they'll accept behaviors we wouldn't? We also rage at the new GFs for not "controlling" our XAs. Like they have some mysterious power we didn't have?
I'm sort of at the point of letting go. I hesitate to say I am at that point, because I've had so many set backs I can't go too far out on a limb! But after agonizing about it, and admitting to myself I'm terrified my XAH and his new GF will be living the life I wanted with him, the light dawned over Marblehead. I could've had their life if I accepted his drug use and drinking, if I didn't mind his dealing, if I let the kids be exposed to it all. In other words, the life I imagine they're living is NOT the life I wanted! If they are happy, their happiness is not based on the same things mine is. Nothing has changed but the enabler.
I'm also realizing that the only thing standing in the way of letting go is me. I need to face facts ... life with XAH was misery, and nothing has changed. It's pretty hard to swallow that I spent the last seventeen years as the living dead, but when I face the truth about XAH and myself, thats the reality.
You have the right to be sad. Cry. Grieve. Get mad as heck. Then get back to being you. You're fabulous the way you are, and there's nothing they can do that'll ever take that from you!

ARealLady

also that they are doing pot together and god knows what else....real nice life....

I feel sorry for the baby.

ARL

cdk1972

Me too, ARL. I really hope its not true. Judy, thank you for that post. It was a good one, with a lot of great insight.

hbb

Thank you! I know, like someone told me here months ago that our relationship was like a blip on the radar. Is this the worst news, where does it end?! I feel sorry for that child too if they are now using drugs. IF this whole rumor is true even, which it's a pretty big one to start if it's not true. God it's like a nightmare here tonight. I'm almost numb, not sure what i feel. Part of me feels GOOD LUCK TO THEM and another part of me does kinda feel pain as he and i talked about a family and even names I HATE THIS.

hbb

You got that right, oh and she did drugs with his sister in law that died, so leave me, who hardly drinks at all, has my $hit together, money in the bank, nice jeep, live on my own and it boggles my mind. He got sober with me to cheat on me, lie, and go back to his ex who dragged him through the mud and took him for everything, where EVERYONE hates her, i mean everyone and she's a BARTENDER to boot......wtf????? I DON'T GET IT AT ALL.....Ugggghhhhhh

DesertEyes

Yeah, and my ex left me for a bunch of _married_ guys who enjoyed cheating on their spouses. I dunno about you, but one thing that really helped me when I was feeling the worst was when another codie asked me what it was I _saw_ in her to begin with. The real mystery is not that a druggie wife did druggie things, the mystery is why someone like me would stick around with her and put up with that... and want her back!!!!

I don't anymore. al-anon helped me with that.

How about you, heather? Are you like me? Do you want him back? Are you hurting for someone that only a druggie, cheating, back stabbing person could like? Cuz if you are, welcome to the codie-club When I stopped trying to figure _them_ out, and started working on figuring _me_ out, that's when I started to get well.

Mike

hbb

Mike,

I'll be honest, i loved him and should have acknowledged every single red flag there was from day one. Oh i'm a codie all the way! I went to al anon for a while. I"m also working on these issues with my therapist weekly. I, like so many of us think i loved the THOUGHT of "us" instead of the REALITY of "us". I had this picture perfect family and house in my head. He also gave me alot of false hopes that i unfortunately believed.

I'm glad i'm not part of the drama and chaos and have to really believe that his life is more than likely not good or even better for that fact. Mind you, all this has happened his first year of sobriety when none of this should have happened. That's even if he's sober.

To be honest, i wish him a crappy relationship with her after what i went through with him, i can't lie. I hope he stays sober but could care less otherwise if things go well. I know it sounds selfish but that's where i'm at because for me giving and giving (i know it was my choice) to get treated like he did i'll never understand. Guess it's the old, this is him, alcohol or not, he's just a crappy person in general.

SaTiT

Stop blaming yourself hbb

I don't think you're selffish. You feel what you feel.
Your heart is broken and it hurts.

I get angery too if I lost something important to me.

sometimes i hate her..why the heck shouldn't I ?

But I'm not going blame myself for someone's else BS anymore.
Codi or not...i wasn't the one that was f-ing around
and i'm suppost to be perfect and figure all of that stuff out ?
Be really for all of the chaos ??? I don't think so.

I refuse to blame myself for loving someone..it's not a crime
it's not a sin. What's not right is my agf didn't do her part
like she said she would. She's a grown woman.
If she knew how to go by alochol..then she knew what she was doing.

it hurts like hell to have to stop loving someone you love.
and it makes me angery as hell that she cheated on me too.

I'm not going to pretend like I'm not...like i did in the pass
i pretend like everyhting was okay when it wasn't okay.

i be more worry if i didn't feel any of those things.
I feel things becuase I'm not drunk or high.

Just know that you are not crazy.
This is what is feels like when someone hurts you.
What you are going through or feeling or thinking
is the most natural thing any human can do..in the circumstance.

scream ,cry, shout, get angery...so you don't have to
carry that into your future and the rest of your life.

but by all means be gental to youself through all of this.

NoChoice

Hbb, I am sorry you are devastated...what you are going thru is so hard. You do have loads of love and support coming from us, hope it helps. I was just reading some other threads and was reminded of something. My parents got divorced when I was 8. My dad feigned interest in seeing us (me and my sister) but by the time I was 12 he totally broke contact. When I got sober I wanted to find him to tell him because I knew he was an A and other stuff too, not sure what. I finally found him and told him about my sobriety. He had the audacity to tell me that he didn't consider us his kids anymore infact, his nephews were like his kids now. That was the last time I reached out to him. I learned last year that he is married (like the 5th time) to a 33 year old (I am his daughter and I am 37...SICKO). and living in Fl It took a long time to let it all go. I am better off. My mom did marry my step dad (25 or so years ago) I consider myself his daughter.

My point is, you may not be able to see it now but you don't want this scumbag. What you are seeing of him (behaviors) is him, that is all you get -a scumbag. You deserver so much more. No one is sure if he will ever change. Let us love you and your alanon family love you until you can love yourself. I know it hurts really bad. I know, I know. Be good to you. ps, I used to scream into pillows....very effective.

DesertEyes

Excellent!! good for you. Maybe over the next couple weeks you might want to go visit some of those meets, especially the ones where you found people who gave you hope.

Yeah, me too. I don't think there's anything wrong with my perfect picture, I just put the wrong person in there.

When I find myself hurting over my ex and the fantasy I created in my head I know it's cuz I am still hanging on to some of those false hopes and lies. I know there was nothing wrong with my hopes and dreams, just like the picture, what was wrong was who I shared them with.

Yup, he sure is. But _you_ are _not_. You are a good person with a deep, compassionate heart. You just got a touch of codie-itis like the rest of us. Doesn't make you a bad person, just a little goofy in the head

Me? I got a new sponsee I'm spending time with, extra meets to go to over the holidays, gonna put up my tree tomorow, and generally doing good things for _me_. You deserve good things too, Heather, so get out and do 'em.

Mike

splendra

(((((hbb))))))

Just be gentle with yourself okay?

CBrown

Oh Heather ... I had a full Saturday and didn't get to read your post until this morning. I want to cry and scream with you!! If R's current caretaker GF wasn't post-menopausal, I know he'd have her pregnant by now too and I'd be in your situation.

Are you like me? Thinking "why couldn't it be ME who is having his baby?" It's okay to admit it, if it's true. I know I still have a twinge, as crazy as it is, that I never had a baby with him. Don't flame me, everyone, it's only a hormonal twinge and I told him no to that one too. But it was part of my "once upon a time R dream" to be married, have a child, live happily ever after.

There's that doggone DREAM again. It was my dream, not his. His is to live filthy, commit alcohol suicide, be married to anyone, and prove he can still travel worldwide.

Heather, your dream is not reality. It hurts when reality intrudes, the same as it does for me and for the rest on here. We have hopes, dreams, prayers, and it seems like they're never coming true. Sometimes the best answers to prayer are the ones we don't want.

I'm praying for you, m'dear. I know it hurts, its discouraging, and it just plain sucks. Heck, your story hurts me and it's not even me. But it was a dream. Put it aside and make your life your own reality.

fluffyflea

HBB,

That is why he left you because you have your crap together. he doesn't want that he wants someone as screwed up as him to justify his drinking and using, to enable him.

Ngaire