Those with small children
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Hollywood CA
Posts: 6
Those with small children
Hi Everyone,
I've been lurking for a long time but I'm about to make a move and I need some advice and/or a push!
My AH and I have an 8 month old daughter. He was sober (for about 4 months) when we decided to have her but has been drunk every day pretty much since. He is unbearable to live with, I don't have to spell that out for y'all. It has also turned me into a monster. I have become so frustrated that I can no longer control my fury at him and lash out and slap him. It's unacceptable behavior from both of us, and totally inappropriate for a small child.
He has been promising to stop drinking for months, and 2 days ago I gave him the option of going to a detox center or I'm leaving. He didn't go and tried detoxing himself yesterday, which lasted about 5 hours until he went out and got booze "to get right" which of course turned into his usual drunken disaster fest.
So, I have some money which I can use to get a short term apartment... do I just pack up and leave in the middle of the night? What are his rights concerning seeing our daughter? Can I just take her out of the house or is that considered some type of kidnapping?
Oh lordy, what a mess... I'm sure I'm not the first in this situation.. thanks for listening.
I've been lurking for a long time but I'm about to make a move and I need some advice and/or a push!
My AH and I have an 8 month old daughter. He was sober (for about 4 months) when we decided to have her but has been drunk every day pretty much since. He is unbearable to live with, I don't have to spell that out for y'all. It has also turned me into a monster. I have become so frustrated that I can no longer control my fury at him and lash out and slap him. It's unacceptable behavior from both of us, and totally inappropriate for a small child.
He has been promising to stop drinking for months, and 2 days ago I gave him the option of going to a detox center or I'm leaving. He didn't go and tried detoxing himself yesterday, which lasted about 5 hours until he went out and got booze "to get right" which of course turned into his usual drunken disaster fest.
So, I have some money which I can use to get a short term apartment... do I just pack up and leave in the middle of the night? What are his rights concerning seeing our daughter? Can I just take her out of the house or is that considered some type of kidnapping?
Oh lordy, what a mess... I'm sure I'm not the first in this situation.. thanks for listening.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Sorry you are in this situation. Its not easy.
The best thing I can say is consult an attorney about what the laws are out your way just to make sure whatever you do is within the law and to find out what your rights are as far as child support go. Information is always a good thing to have before you make decisions.
The best thing I can say is consult an attorney about what the laws are out your way just to make sure whatever you do is within the law and to find out what your rights are as far as child support go. Information is always a good thing to have before you make decisions.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 444
Zero --
You definately need to talk to an attorney to find out what the laws are in your state. I found that most will provide a free initial consultation. One thing I was told by an attorney when I was planning my separation was that if I moved out without my daughter, the court could later use that against me if there was a custody dispute. I think you can safely take your daughter and not worry about being accused of kidnapping. But, you should definately talk with an attorney as soon as you can. There are also legal forums on the web where lawyers will answer your questions. One I have used is family-law.freeadvice.com. Then you may not have wait to get an appt with an attorney.
As far as when to leave -- do you already have your apartment leased? I found that it took about a month to get into an apartment. First I would get the apartment leased so you know where you are going. Then start making lists and/or packing up items without your AH being aware. If you think there will be trouble, I know some have said they notified the police to be nearby as they were moving for peace of mind. In my case I told AH a few days before I left; and then followed through (to his utter disbelief).
Hope this helps!! I am sorry that you are going through this, too.
You definately need to talk to an attorney to find out what the laws are in your state. I found that most will provide a free initial consultation. One thing I was told by an attorney when I was planning my separation was that if I moved out without my daughter, the court could later use that against me if there was a custody dispute. I think you can safely take your daughter and not worry about being accused of kidnapping. But, you should definately talk with an attorney as soon as you can. There are also legal forums on the web where lawyers will answer your questions. One I have used is family-law.freeadvice.com. Then you may not have wait to get an appt with an attorney.
As far as when to leave -- do you already have your apartment leased? I found that it took about a month to get into an apartment. First I would get the apartment leased so you know where you are going. Then start making lists and/or packing up items without your AH being aware. If you think there will be trouble, I know some have said they notified the police to be nearby as they were moving for peace of mind. In my case I told AH a few days before I left; and then followed through (to his utter disbelief).
Hope this helps!! I am sorry that you are going through this, too.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
I too would recommend a talk with a lawyer, Legal Aid, or someone who knows the laws of your state.
Separating your finances as thoroughly as possible is a good step to take prior to leaving, as is getting a PO box that he does not have access to. Your new bank statements can go there, as well as documents relating to your rental, any legal stuff, etc. You can also forward your mail there. I would advise this, because my alcoholic sister's husband was stuck with many bills after he left her, because she submitted credit card apps mailed to him, didn't pay the bills, etc.
Many have left when their spouse was not present because they feared an angry or dramatic reaction and did not want to traumatize their child (or themselves!) Do what is right and safe for you.
Separating your finances as thoroughly as possible is a good step to take prior to leaving, as is getting a PO box that he does not have access to. Your new bank statements can go there, as well as documents relating to your rental, any legal stuff, etc. You can also forward your mail there. I would advise this, because my alcoholic sister's husband was stuck with many bills after he left her, because she submitted credit card apps mailed to him, didn't pay the bills, etc.
Many have left when their spouse was not present because they feared an angry or dramatic reaction and did not want to traumatize their child (or themselves!) Do what is right and safe for you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Hollywood CA
Posts: 6
Thanks for the advice, I'll definately do those things. He's gone to the bar right now, and I think I have to get out, go to a hotel or something before we have another blow up. This really sucks.
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