Gave the boundary...he doesn't care
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Join Date: Oct 2007
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Gave the boundary...he doesn't care
I have posted her awhile back...I am 42, divorced and pregnant with my exh's baby due in March. We (or so I thought) were trying to put our marriage back together. My aexdh is a binge drinker only on the weekends. He will drink between 20 and 30 beers each Saturday and Sunday. His family is worried and talk with him and so have I but he is in denial. People talk and talk to him but nobody really does much about it.
He gave me the 'I will only have a few on the weekends and not get drunk like before' speech and I believed him. We had Thanksgiving here at my house and some members of his family did not want to come if he was going to be drinking as he comes from a long line of addicts and some are in recovery and didn't want to be around it. What does Adh do? Hides the beer outside and pours it into a cup and drinks. Everyone knew but didn't say a word. He literally drank all Thanksgiving weekend. He even had 3 beers in front of my son (his stepson) at 7 a.m. before they went hunting.
After the weekend was over and he was back to work and sober I told him that he needed to get into a program and quit as it wasn't healthy for any of us to be around it. He of course denied his problem and got very angry with me saying I am causing issues and problems between us. He lives in his own house and I told him I wanted no contact until he gets better. He threatened that I cannot keep him from his child when she is born,etc. which scares me to death. I don't want to let him around her if he is not sober.
You would think this would wake him up....nope. Last weekend I went into some premature labor. I called him at 10:30 p.m. and he didn't answer. I had to go to the hospital to be checked and stopped by his house on my way thinking he was sleeping...he wasn't home. I went to hospital alone and was there until 3 a.m.. My friend drove by his house 3 times looking for him and I even tried at 2:30 with no answer. Who knows where or with whom he was with and probably was drinking anyway. He was out all night. When he did find out where I was a few days later he got angry with me saying I should have tried harder to find him. No apology for not being there, just anger with me. When he drinks he tends to feel like he needs some sort of validation from other women as well, so in all honesty he could have been with another woman.
Since then I haven't talked to him. He sends texts asking me how we are, but I don't really respond. I hate this. I want him to be a family man and husband and choose us over his selfish ways and drinking. But it doesn't seem to be sinking in. I really would have thought that he would realize what he is losing and choose us, but he is happy not to be around his daughter.
Please help. Thank you.
He gave me the 'I will only have a few on the weekends and not get drunk like before' speech and I believed him. We had Thanksgiving here at my house and some members of his family did not want to come if he was going to be drinking as he comes from a long line of addicts and some are in recovery and didn't want to be around it. What does Adh do? Hides the beer outside and pours it into a cup and drinks. Everyone knew but didn't say a word. He literally drank all Thanksgiving weekend. He even had 3 beers in front of my son (his stepson) at 7 a.m. before they went hunting.
After the weekend was over and he was back to work and sober I told him that he needed to get into a program and quit as it wasn't healthy for any of us to be around it. He of course denied his problem and got very angry with me saying I am causing issues and problems between us. He lives in his own house and I told him I wanted no contact until he gets better. He threatened that I cannot keep him from his child when she is born,etc. which scares me to death. I don't want to let him around her if he is not sober.
You would think this would wake him up....nope. Last weekend I went into some premature labor. I called him at 10:30 p.m. and he didn't answer. I had to go to the hospital to be checked and stopped by his house on my way thinking he was sleeping...he wasn't home. I went to hospital alone and was there until 3 a.m.. My friend drove by his house 3 times looking for him and I even tried at 2:30 with no answer. Who knows where or with whom he was with and probably was drinking anyway. He was out all night. When he did find out where I was a few days later he got angry with me saying I should have tried harder to find him. No apology for not being there, just anger with me. When he drinks he tends to feel like he needs some sort of validation from other women as well, so in all honesty he could have been with another woman.
Since then I haven't talked to him. He sends texts asking me how we are, but I don't really respond. I hate this. I want him to be a family man and husband and choose us over his selfish ways and drinking. But it doesn't seem to be sinking in. I really would have thought that he would realize what he is losing and choose us, but he is happy not to be around his daughter.
Please help. Thank you.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: looking for the sun in cold MN
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Hi SO2, One thing I am learning these days is that I can set boundaries and say what I need to say- for myself, but I have no control over how these will be received. I used to think I needed my AH's agreement or if he responed in a negative way I thought I should explain my position so I could "make" him understand, but that takes so much energy and is useless. You can't control the outcome. My counselor tells me, Don't analyze, defend or explain.
MY AH left me 4 months ago- and our daughter. He does see her semi-regularly, but it's not like when he lived with us. I also thought he would see what he was missing, but that doesn't seem to be an issue for him. Unfortunately nothing makes sense when you are dealing with an A. The only thing you can make sense of is how you want to live your life. I think you know in your gut that what he is doing is doing for himself. Please take care of yourself- and your unborn child. It's all you can do. You cannot control him.
MY AH left me 4 months ago- and our daughter. He does see her semi-regularly, but it's not like when he lived with us. I also thought he would see what he was missing, but that doesn't seem to be an issue for him. Unfortunately nothing makes sense when you are dealing with an A. The only thing you can make sense of is how you want to live your life. I think you know in your gut that what he is doing is doing for himself. Please take care of yourself- and your unborn child. It's all you can do. You cannot control him.
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Join Date: Oct 2007
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Thanks Pajarito.
I have gone pretty dark on him and don't contact him at all. I am so sad. I do have to protect my child and family.
Does your Ah have supervised visits with your daughter? I cannot imagine letting my exdh take my child alone but I am worried how you prove that they are not safe. I heard its a very difficult thing.
I have gone pretty dark on him and don't contact him at all. I am so sad. I do have to protect my child and family.
Does your Ah have supervised visits with your daughter? I cannot imagine letting my exdh take my child alone but I am worried how you prove that they are not safe. I heard its a very difficult thing.
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Stay strong for yourself and your children!
Do not let me scare you with threats about getting custody of the baby. That is highly unlikely. See an attorney to get the facts and ease your mind. Since you aren't married, you have it much easier really. You can make him go through the expense and time of proving paternity if he wants to have any visitation with the baby.
Do not let me scare you with threats about getting custody of the baby. That is highly unlikely. See an attorney to get the facts and ease your mind. Since you aren't married, you have it much easier really. You can make him go through the expense and time of proving paternity if he wants to have any visitation with the baby.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: looking for the sun in cold MN
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I do not have supervised visits. He claims he is not drinking, and I have no proof he is, but he behaves like a dry drunk- at least with me. With her he is a good dad- sometimes irresponsible- like oversleeps and doesn't show up when he says he will. One thing that I have been doing is keeping a written record of what he does- like the oversleeping/not showing up. I am doing this in case I need to have proof that his behavior is not healthy for her. While I do not want to keep her from seeing him, I do want to make sure she is living in a safe, healthy, and stable environment. I don't feel he can consistently provide that for her. His ability to deal with her for short periods of time seems ok- but if I thought he was drinking I would have to seriously reconsider. For instance I would not allow him to drive her anywhere. Controlling- yes, but I will not allow her to be in harms way. You might set up visits in your house where they can spend time while you are there or out doing your thing. I'm not sure, because I haven't experienced this yet. Maybe someone else here will have other suggestions for you. Yes, it is incredibly sad. I have to believe for myself- as well as for you that having at least one healthy parent- and that means emotionally/mentally- is better than having two unhealthy parents together in a dysfunctional relationship. It's not the kind of marriage I want for me or for my daughter. I want her to have the confidence and self-esteem I didn't have to make healthy choices about who she allows into her life. It sounds like that is what you want to. Just keep doing the next right thing for yourself and your children. It's all you can do- one day at a time.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((startingover2))
most importantly, how are you feeling? how is the baby? I take it the pre-mature labor was stopped and hasn't returned. Hope that you are feeling better and please, please take care of you and that precious little one.
Boundaries are such a tough area. Only recently did I have a way to put these things in words, I guess I knew this all along, but really hadn't put in black and white to deal with a situation that I am faced with concerning the A's in my life.
"Boundaries are to protect my welfare, sanity and serenity, not to control another person"
If a person doesn't respect those boundaries, then I may want to limit my contact with that person as much as I possibly can.
This is what I am trying to do to take care of myself, it's not always easy, but it is worth it - I am worth it and so are you.
Wishing you Serenity & Joy,
Rita
most importantly, how are you feeling? how is the baby? I take it the pre-mature labor was stopped and hasn't returned. Hope that you are feeling better and please, please take care of you and that precious little one.
Boundaries are such a tough area. Only recently did I have a way to put these things in words, I guess I knew this all along, but really hadn't put in black and white to deal with a situation that I am faced with concerning the A's in my life.
"Boundaries are to protect my welfare, sanity and serenity, not to control another person"
If a person doesn't respect those boundaries, then I may want to limit my contact with that person as much as I possibly can.
This is what I am trying to do to take care of myself, it's not always easy, but it is worth it - I am worth it and so are you.
Wishing you Serenity & Joy,
Rita
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: "Somewhere in Ohio" ... little joke from past
Posts: 481
Most of all, I hope you and the baby are doing well! You two are the most important in this story.
Two things struck me in your post:
"When he drinks he tends to feel like he needs some sort of validation from other women as well, so in all honesty he could have been with another woman." My impression is that at all times they need a woman who will approve of everything they do, without question, without comment. She must be loving, supportive, and feed his ego 24/7.
"I want him to be a family man and husband and choose us over his selfish ways and drinking." Oh, I wanted that too. But what they want and what we want are two different things. Heaven help the person who tries to express her reasonable needs and boundaries. That person will become unpopular very quick.
Two things struck me in your post:
"When he drinks he tends to feel like he needs some sort of validation from other women as well, so in all honesty he could have been with another woman." My impression is that at all times they need a woman who will approve of everything they do, without question, without comment. She must be loving, supportive, and feed his ego 24/7.
"I want him to be a family man and husband and choose us over his selfish ways and drinking." Oh, I wanted that too. But what they want and what we want are two different things. Heaven help the person who tries to express her reasonable needs and boundaries. That person will become unpopular very quick.
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Join Date: Oct 2007
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Originally Posted by CBrown 
Most of all, I hope you and the baby are doing well! You two are the most important in this story.
Two things struck me in your post:
"When he drinks he tends to feel like he needs some sort of validation from other women as well, so in all honesty he could have been with another woman." My impression is that at all times they need a woman who will approve of everything they do, without question, without comment. She must be loving, supportive, and feed his ego 24/7.
"I want him to be a family man and husband and choose us over his selfish ways and drinking." Oh, I wanted that too. But what they want and what we want are two different things. Heaven help the person who tries to express her reasonable needs and boundaries. That person will become unpopular very quick.
Two things struck me in your post:
"When he drinks he tends to feel like he needs some sort of validation from other women as well, so in all honesty he could have been with another woman." My impression is that at all times they need a woman who will approve of everything they do, without question, without comment. She must be loving, supportive, and feed his ego 24/7.
"I want him to be a family man and husband and choose us over his selfish ways and drinking." Oh, I wanted that too. But what they want and what we want are two different things. Heaven help the person who tries to express her reasonable needs and boundaries. That person will become unpopular very quick.
Dh is quick to say that he is not all to blame....probably true but he can never pin point what he is upset with me about. You are right, my boundaries are no other women and stop drinking. I think its pretty reasonable.
Recovering Nicely
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 935
Your boundaries are reasonable in the real world, but not the world of the alcoholic. We live in totally different worlds. Your husband can't pinpoint what exactly he is upset about cause it changes as quickly as needed in order to justify his actions. Please take care of you and your baby.
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Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Boundaries are a hard one for me. I will set them and usually allow the person to walk all over them. I have gotten better over the years but what helped me the most is remembering that boundaries that I set are set for myself. They are a God given gift ... that tiny voice inside that we need to listen too. There are parts of us that usually know right from wrong... not that it does not hurt to set a boundary and find that the other person does not want to participate in the relationship or does not respect you enough to work within the boundary and I think often that we don’t take enough care when we set the boundary. Don’t set one that you can’t follow through with, no matter how much it hurts.
I can promise you that it hurts MUCH worse in the long run to set the boundary and not respect yourself enough to keep it. I would rather another person be disrespectful and let me down then letting myself down and not giving myself that respect. If the person you are in a relationship with thinks so little of you, what is the point of staying in the relationship.... I can promise you there is a person out there that will respect you and want that healthy relationship with you.
Also remember that because boundaries are set for us, by us....... they can also be changed by us. If you have set a boundary today and decide in 6 months that you do not need that boundary ... you can remove it or change it... that is the beauty of taking care of yourself and happy, healthy relationships.
*hugs* hang in there, time really does heal.
I can promise you that it hurts MUCH worse in the long run to set the boundary and not respect yourself enough to keep it. I would rather another person be disrespectful and let me down then letting myself down and not giving myself that respect. If the person you are in a relationship with thinks so little of you, what is the point of staying in the relationship.... I can promise you there is a person out there that will respect you and want that healthy relationship with you.
Also remember that because boundaries are set for us, by us....... they can also be changed by us. If you have set a boundary today and decide in 6 months that you do not need that boundary ... you can remove it or change it... that is the beauty of taking care of yourself and happy, healthy relationships.
*hugs* hang in there, time really does heal.
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: anomaly
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Boundaries are for me..not the alki. it's wierd and backwards i know.
Tried it the other way and it didn't work.
at least I have control over these. and i can see and feel progress
kind of like this..
I will not make any contacts today.
I will not react to my emotions.
I will love myself today.
I will respect myself today
I will honor myself today
I will charrish myself today.
Tried it the other way and it didn't work.
at least I have control over these. and i can see and feel progress
kind of like this..
I will not make any contacts today.
I will not react to my emotions.
I will love myself today.
I will respect myself today
I will honor myself today
I will charrish myself today.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: WA Rainforest
Posts: 209
I want him to be a family man and husband and choose us over his selfish ways and drinking. But it doesn't seem to be sinking in. I really would have thought that he would realize what he is losing and choose us, but he is happy not to be around his daughter.
The hardest lesson for us, is that they don't care what we want. Even when it's totally normal and ordinary. They don't want anyone to expect anything of them. You aren't going to turn him around.
It's a terribly hard lesson for us to learn! to have no expectations, and that we aren't going to have our needs met.
If you're not married to him, and you don't put him down on the birth certificate as the father, he will have to prove that he's the father in order to get any kind of custody or visitation. Don't let him frighten you into anything. It's typical alkie behavior to make idle threats and to blame you for his shortcomings, like not being findable when you had labor pains.
Do yourself and the baby a favor - don't call him when you go into labor.
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Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 530
Thanks for all the responses. Its truly great to have this much support. To the outside world and people that don't deal with an A, its cut and dry. But with us its not.
He actually has sent some texts today telling me he will be home all weekend if I need him....gee thanks. I didn't respond to that but wanted to say Where were you last weekend when I needed you? Then another saying to let him know if I needed him to put up my xmas tree. I just responded that I already did a few days ago. I guess its his way of trying to slide back in without doing what I asked of him. To have life go on as normal and his drinking and poor choices.
Its hard not to respond and get into a big dialogue with him. I feel like I am being mean and he is hurting. But really he isn't making the changes.
He actually has sent some texts today telling me he will be home all weekend if I need him....gee thanks. I didn't respond to that but wanted to say Where were you last weekend when I needed you? Then another saying to let him know if I needed him to put up my xmas tree. I just responded that I already did a few days ago. I guess its his way of trying to slide back in without doing what I asked of him. To have life go on as normal and his drinking and poor choices.
Its hard not to respond and get into a big dialogue with him. I feel like I am being mean and he is hurting. But really he isn't making the changes.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: "Somewhere in Ohio" ... little joke from past
Posts: 481
"We live in totally different worlds." Queen, you're right.
Men are from Mars.
Women are from Venus.
Alcoholics are from Uranus.
Seriously, oh how I wish I could have imposed my will on my XABF. Now, to be fair to myself, everything I asked of him was fair and reasonable. But he doesn't want to be a decent, caring man. Nor can I make him. Nor can I watch him kill himself. It is such a hard thing to accept that we can't make good happen. It is up to the A.
But my heart goes out to you and your baby. If I were you, I would leave him off the birth certificate too, start a new life with my baby, and raise the child the right way, the way you couldn't help his/her dad.
Men are from Mars.
Women are from Venus.
Alcoholics are from Uranus.
Seriously, oh how I wish I could have imposed my will on my XABF. Now, to be fair to myself, everything I asked of him was fair and reasonable. But he doesn't want to be a decent, caring man. Nor can I make him. Nor can I watch him kill himself. It is such a hard thing to accept that we can't make good happen. It is up to the A.
But my heart goes out to you and your baby. If I were you, I would leave him off the birth certificate too, start a new life with my baby, and raise the child the right way, the way you couldn't help his/her dad.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: by the sea
Posts: 183
SO2 - I am so sorry... I hope you are feeling better.
Sadly we cannot make them who we want them to be, we cant get them to see the person they really are - that for me is the hard part. Does he not want to be the kind, gentle man I fell in love with? Does he really think this deranged, sad, hostile, abusive man who now lives with me is a good person?
You have to do for you and the baby... keep posting- you will find strength, support and love
shakarris
Sadly we cannot make them who we want them to be, we cant get them to see the person they really are - that for me is the hard part. Does he not want to be the kind, gentle man I fell in love with? Does he really think this deranged, sad, hostile, abusive man who now lives with me is a good person?
You have to do for you and the baby... keep posting- you will find strength, support and love
shakarris
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 530
I know that the best thing right now given the situation for me and baby is to stay away from him until he decides to get it together. No other women and no alcohol. Period.
He just sent a text asking me to answer his other texts as he is 'worried'. How kind. He made choices to live this way and he is so kind to worry. If he was that worried he would clean up and be here.
He just sent a text asking me to answer his other texts as he is 'worried'. How kind. He made choices to live this way and he is so kind to worry. If he was that worried he would clean up and be here.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Managua, Nicaragua
Posts: 135
My experience growing up with an alcoholic father may not be typical. My parents divorced when I was 3 yrs. old. My father, an addict and alcoholic, had visitation. We (my older sister and I) went to his home every other weekend and every Tuesday. What my mother did not know and we did not tell her for 7 years, is that every visit that we had with him he would drink and/or use. We didn't tell our mom because we didn't know that it wasn't normal or correct. I t think that my mom found out that he was using, buying and drinking with us around when my dad started getting clean. I am happy to say now that, due to his hard work and blessings from HP, he has been clean and sober for 20 years and has made the changes in his life that we all dream of for our addicts. He didn't do it for my mom, he didn't do it for my sister or myself. When he hit bottom and he was ready, he did it for himself.
Your experience may not be the same, but be cautious with your children, and know that people can change, when they are ready.
Your experience may not be the same, but be cautious with your children, and know that people can change, when they are ready.
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Your story worries me to death. I am worried if my dh gets visitation with our daughter that he won't be capeable of taking care of her. I have heard its very hard to prove a drinking problem in court. That it takes a DUI or some major thing like that. My word is not enough.
Another problem is that dh has 2 other children from his previous marriage. He drinks and drives with them and the mom knows, threatens him with words but never has followed through. So it looks like I am making this up. Dh even said....well exwife doesn't have a problem with it, why should you?
I guess he won't do it for me. He tries to stay in contact with friendly texts but that is it. No change. Breaks my heart. I had to drive by his house tonight on my way home and he isn't there. Bar? Another woman? who knows. All I know is that he doesn't give a crap enough to be here with me.
Another problem is that dh has 2 other children from his previous marriage. He drinks and drives with them and the mom knows, threatens him with words but never has followed through. So it looks like I am making this up. Dh even said....well exwife doesn't have a problem with it, why should you?
I guess he won't do it for me. He tries to stay in contact with friendly texts but that is it. No change. Breaks my heart. I had to drive by his house tonight on my way home and he isn't there. Bar? Another woman? who knows. All I know is that he doesn't give a crap enough to be here with me.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Managua, Nicaragua
Posts: 135
Hi SO2, sorry if I scared you, that really wasn't my intention. I was just sharing my experience. My best advice for any parent dealing with an alcoholic partner would be to create a loving, safe home for your child where there is trust and communication. You are already caring for your child by setting boundaries and acknowledging what is acceptable for you and what isn't. Trust yourself and listen to your intuition.
As for the legal issues, discussing it with a lawyer would probably help clear up in uncertainties you may have.
I relate to your story very much. You are not alone in facing this. In addition to being a child of an alcoholic my bf is also an alcoholic, he is in recovery now. We have a 6 month old daughter together. For my entire pregnancy he was binge drinking and all of the crazy-making that went along with it, it was a horrible way to spend one of the most amazing times of my life. Instead of cherishing and respecting the life forming inside me, I was mostly worried and focused on him. I may never have another child, I will never get that time back, I wish that I had appreciated it more. Do something nice for yourself and your baby today.
As for the legal issues, discussing it with a lawyer would probably help clear up in uncertainties you may have.
I relate to your story very much. You are not alone in facing this. In addition to being a child of an alcoholic my bf is also an alcoholic, he is in recovery now. We have a 6 month old daughter together. For my entire pregnancy he was binge drinking and all of the crazy-making that went along with it, it was a horrible way to spend one of the most amazing times of my life. Instead of cherishing and respecting the life forming inside me, I was mostly worried and focused on him. I may never have another child, I will never get that time back, I wish that I had appreciated it more. Do something nice for yourself and your baby today.
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Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 530
No worries...I just meant that besides worrying how I am going to do this alone because I have made the choice to not have him here until he gets help is how can I keep my child safe? I think about you going to your fathers when he is drinking and know that stuff happens and know its really tough to prove.
If there is anyone out there that has any suggestions on how to prove an A, please let me know. I am trying to get all my ducks lined up now. I have bad dreams about my adh driving away with my baby and drinking.
If there is anyone out there that has any suggestions on how to prove an A, please let me know. I am trying to get all my ducks lined up now. I have bad dreams about my adh driving away with my baby and drinking.
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