Gave the boundary...he doesn't care
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
Startingover2:
Regarding your first post here about boundaries, these two links might be helpful...
I like what Minnie and Friend of Bill had to say here…
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-boundary.html
And what Emily 33 said in this one:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-boundary.html
I agree that setting boundaries are for 'our' protection from other people's behavior. 'We' decide what is and isn't acceptable in our lives and we enforce and defend our choices with our actions. What we deem as unacceptable behavior is not a direct correalation to 'expecting' someone to change (although I'm sure we all 'hope' that it would have a positive affect on someone's behavior). Rather it's what action 'we' take when around someone expressing undesirable behavior. If you are being shouted at and abused verbally, do you stick around and listen to it? Or, knowing that this is unacceptable, do you remove yourself from that person?
As far as proving someone is an alcoholic, I'm not sure how to go about doing that. Proving he abuses alcohol, or, acts recklessly might be easier. For example, has he been known to drive drunk? How is his behavior when drunk? Was his alcohol consumption an issue that led to your divorce? You might want to begin a log and list dates/times of incidences that you can remember, from the recent past and the present. It may or may not come in handy! I would definitely speak to a lawyer about your situation.
Regarding your first post here about boundaries, these two links might be helpful...
I like what Minnie and Friend of Bill had to say here…
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-boundary.html
And what Emily 33 said in this one:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-boundary.html
I agree that setting boundaries are for 'our' protection from other people's behavior. 'We' decide what is and isn't acceptable in our lives and we enforce and defend our choices with our actions. What we deem as unacceptable behavior is not a direct correalation to 'expecting' someone to change (although I'm sure we all 'hope' that it would have a positive affect on someone's behavior). Rather it's what action 'we' take when around someone expressing undesirable behavior. If you are being shouted at and abused verbally, do you stick around and listen to it? Or, knowing that this is unacceptable, do you remove yourself from that person?
As far as proving someone is an alcoholic, I'm not sure how to go about doing that. Proving he abuses alcohol, or, acts recklessly might be easier. For example, has he been known to drive drunk? How is his behavior when drunk? Was his alcohol consumption an issue that led to your divorce? You might want to begin a log and list dates/times of incidences that you can remember, from the recent past and the present. It may or may not come in handy! I would definitely speak to a lawyer about your situation.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Originally Posted by Startingover2 
If there is anyone out there that has any suggestions on how to prove an A, please let me know. I am trying to get all my ducks lined up now. I have bad dreams about my adh driving away with my baby and drinking.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 530
Well, nothing has really changed. Why that surprises me again and again I will never know. This is the perfect life for him. Have his party life when he wants and see his child part time. Who pays the price? Me and the child. Not him. He has his cake and eats it too.
He sends his usual "have a good day" and "let me know how things are going with the pregnancy" texts once a day. Nothing more. No I want to see you. No I want to change and be a husband and father. Nothing.
I am alone. I am having a baby. He is an ass!
He sends his usual "have a good day" and "let me know how things are going with the pregnancy" texts once a day. Nothing more. No I want to see you. No I want to change and be a husband and father. Nothing.
I am alone. I am having a baby. He is an ass!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
First, here's a gentle hug for you and your sweet baby.
A very wise person told me long ago that everything in a relationship is a degree of "want". If one person "wants" something more than the other, the relationship is out of balance.
Who was this wise person? My A son when he was about 17 years old (he is now 27). The message was clear but I didn't get it then. Since he went into treatment a year ago, I have balanced myself. I no longer "want" him to be sober more than he "wants" to be sober. It's all in his court. We are both striving for balance.
The first step in helping him in his journey to find balance was to find balance for myself.
A very wise person told me long ago that everything in a relationship is a degree of "want". If one person "wants" something more than the other, the relationship is out of balance.
Who was this wise person? My A son when he was about 17 years old (he is now 27). The message was clear but I didn't get it then. Since he went into treatment a year ago, I have balanced myself. I no longer "want" him to be sober more than he "wants" to be sober. It's all in his court. We are both striving for balance.
The first step in helping him in his journey to find balance was to find balance for myself.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 530
He doesn't get it...not yet.
Last few days I have gone dark on him. I don't text him unless he initiates it and only then its very to the point.
This was last nights:
Him: Have a good night. Miss you all.
Me: Miss you too.
Him: Do you think that sometime I can come by and visit?
Me: Ok.
Him: Anyway, do you think that you can bring me some beer right now? I am out.
Me: No, I am sorry.
Him: Have a good night.
OMG, the guy isn't getting why I am doing this! This was at 9 PM! I am 6 1/2 months pregnant and he wants me to get him beer! After I told him I didn't want him around because of his drinking problem.
Maybe I should cut all contact. I don't know.
Last few days I have gone dark on him. I don't text him unless he initiates it and only then its very to the point.
This was last nights:
Him: Have a good night. Miss you all.
Me: Miss you too.
Him: Do you think that sometime I can come by and visit?
Me: Ok.
Him: Anyway, do you think that you can bring me some beer right now? I am out.
Me: No, I am sorry.
Him: Have a good night.
OMG, the guy isn't getting why I am doing this! This was at 9 PM! I am 6 1/2 months pregnant and he wants me to get him beer! After I told him I didn't want him around because of his drinking problem.
Maybe I should cut all contact. I don't know.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Newport, RI
Posts: 242
Cut all contact. Move on. Concentrate on yourself and your baby. Find and lean on supportive friends. Put yourself in luck's way! I was in your shoes... pregnant with an ass of an alcoholic partner who couldn't give up the beers for the family's sake. I hung on to him too long. By doing this, I let 7 years go by. Our daughter was exposed to a lot of sick behavior. I am now worried that this turned her into a little codie. She is sad that her dad is so selfish. She feels unloved by him. It would have been better had I broken up with him back when I was pregnant. If you think life will be difficult on your own with a baby... it will be worse having to take care of an alcoholic and baby too! Find some healthy support and move on.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: looking for the sun in cold MN
Posts: 775
Well, nothing has really changed. Why that surprises me again and again I will never know. This is the perfect life for him. Have his party life when he wants and see his child part time. Who pays the price? Me and the child. Not him. He has his cake and eats it too.
He sends his usual "have a good day" and "let me know how things are going with the pregnancy" texts once a day. Nothing more. No I want to see you. No I want to change and be a husband and father. Nothing.
I am alone. I am having a baby. He is an ass!
Yes- he is. Nothing changes if nothing changes. . . but how about you? You are doing your best in this situation. You are coming here for support. You are changing. Keep moving down your healthier path. Take care of yourself.
As far as proving he is an A- In my situation my AH went to treatment. That's proof. He and I have also been to several counselors over the years. I've tried to document his drunk behavior pretty regularly, and I have sent that to two of our counselors who know he is stuck. If I have to use this information I will. I plan to go for full custody with my daughter. I am sure he will not be happy- but then again who knows. I don't really care at this point. She is my first priority- if he doesn't like it- too bad. Document what you can and don't let him scare you.
He sends his usual "have a good day" and "let me know how things are going with the pregnancy" texts once a day. Nothing more. No I want to see you. No I want to change and be a husband and father. Nothing.
I am alone. I am having a baby. He is an ass!
Yes- he is. Nothing changes if nothing changes. . . but how about you? You are doing your best in this situation. You are coming here for support. You are changing. Keep moving down your healthier path. Take care of yourself.
As far as proving he is an A- In my situation my AH went to treatment. That's proof. He and I have also been to several counselors over the years. I've tried to document his drunk behavior pretty regularly, and I have sent that to two of our counselors who know he is stuck. If I have to use this information I will. I plan to go for full custody with my daughter. I am sure he will not be happy- but then again who knows. I don't really care at this point. She is my first priority- if he doesn't like it- too bad. Document what you can and don't let him scare you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 530
Those are good ideas...we have been to two separate counselors when married that told him he had a drinking/drug problem. I was also thinking that I could maybe get his doctor that prescribes his Rx and has questioned him about his dependence to write something as well. I also kept the text from last night asking for me to bring him beer at 9 PM. Who knows if it will help, but I will do whatever I can.
You are right...he is not making changes, but I am. I forget that. Thank you.
You are right...he is not making changes, but I am. I forget that. Thank you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 530
He came by earlier to exchange gifts for the kids. I could tell he had been drinking. He saw the baby's room all done and looked kind of sad and made a comment that he should have been here and I agreed.
It then went into a conversation about how I need a different stable life for me and the kids and I am going to do what I needed to get that for them, even if it meant keeping my distance from him. He got angry and took off.
He then sent a text saying that he loves us and when she is born things will be perfect but right now we don't see eye to eye. I was irritated and shouldn't have responded but I did....I said 'No we don't see things the same. I need a stable life for me and the kids. You want different. We will be fine and I have my family and friends that have stepped in to see me through the rest of this pregnancy. The one who will suffer is baby but I am going to do my best to protect her.'
This must have angered him because he called screaming and yelling telling me I can't keep him from his daughter and that I needed to quit **** talking him to my friends (they already think his a piece of crap), that when she is born he will be here as much as he can until she is old enough for him to take her (0ver my dead body).
He was screaming at me at the top of his lungs! I finally had enough and hung up. He called back over and over and I didn't answer. He sent a text telling me not to hang up and he will support his girl.
I hate the threats. I am scared. I don't want to have to deal with him like this.
It then went into a conversation about how I need a different stable life for me and the kids and I am going to do what I needed to get that for them, even if it meant keeping my distance from him. He got angry and took off.
He then sent a text saying that he loves us and when she is born things will be perfect but right now we don't see eye to eye. I was irritated and shouldn't have responded but I did....I said 'No we don't see things the same. I need a stable life for me and the kids. You want different. We will be fine and I have my family and friends that have stepped in to see me through the rest of this pregnancy. The one who will suffer is baby but I am going to do my best to protect her.'
This must have angered him because he called screaming and yelling telling me I can't keep him from his daughter and that I needed to quit **** talking him to my friends (they already think his a piece of crap), that when she is born he will be here as much as he can until she is old enough for him to take her (0ver my dead body).
He was screaming at me at the top of his lungs! I finally had enough and hung up. He called back over and over and I didn't answer. He sent a text telling me not to hang up and he will support his girl.
I hate the threats. I am scared. I don't want to have to deal with him like this.
Becoming a Butterfly
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 904
SO, I know you must be scared. Having a baby without a supportive partner is a serious undertaking. However, women have done it since the dawn of time and you can too.
This man - he actually wants you to bring him beer. He does not get it. This man uses the baby to threaten you. He does not get it.
My wish for you tonight is that you will save all these records of his endless calls and nasty texts and get an order of protection. Nothing changes if nothing changes. Please make him take responsibility for his abusive actions.
Also, if you do get an order of protection and start a paper trail now, you can protect the baby from him and visitation after she's born. I don't like the idea of denying his paternity. I want you to get child support from this man.
When you take action to protect yourself, you're protecting her.
This man - he actually wants you to bring him beer. He does not get it. This man uses the baby to threaten you. He does not get it.
My wish for you tonight is that you will save all these records of his endless calls and nasty texts and get an order of protection. Nothing changes if nothing changes. Please make him take responsibility for his abusive actions.
Also, if you do get an order of protection and start a paper trail now, you can protect the baby from him and visitation after she's born. I don't like the idea of denying his paternity. I want you to get child support from this man.
When you take action to protect yourself, you're protecting her.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Newport, RI
Posts: 242
Yes... keep all evidence. My attorney advised me to photograph his text messages and to print them out. Bring the photographs and the cell phone to the police station and have the police sign each print out confirming that they were in fact on your cell phone. You can use those in court. Keep voice messages.
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: "Somewhere in Ohio" ... little joke from past
Posts: 481
He texts asking for beer. He screams at a 6 1/2 month pregnant woman. OMG. It is ALL about him satisfying the beast - alcohol.
Startingover, I can't tell you what to do, but I'm scared for you, scared for your baby, and I hate and despise that this child (I cannot call him a man) is saying such things to you. It breaks my heart.
Please, please, please take care of you and the children. No guy is worth a moment's time who does that BS.
Startingover, I can't tell you what to do, but I'm scared for you, scared for your baby, and I hate and despise that this child (I cannot call him a man) is saying such things to you. It breaks my heart.
Please, please, please take care of you and the children. No guy is worth a moment's time who does that BS.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 530
Thanks you guys....I am very scared too. I have to concentrate on building a case against him to prove he isn't stable. I need to do it without him knowing as I don't want him to get too careful. A DUI would be great, but not happening as of yet. I wrote down and documented all of the text messages and phone calls as well as what happened today.
He is more worried about what people are possible saying about him than what damage he is doing. He was completely out of control. Worse than I have ever seen him. He sure didn't like hearing that there are consequences of his action like not being there for the birth of his child or being around when he feels like it.
I am sure tonight he will either pass out or hit the bar in search of the bottomless beer and some sleazy woman who will tell him what he wants to hear.
He is more worried about what people are possible saying about him than what damage he is doing. He was completely out of control. Worse than I have ever seen him. He sure didn't like hearing that there are consequences of his action like not being there for the birth of his child or being around when he feels like it.
I am sure tonight he will either pass out or hit the bar in search of the bottomless beer and some sleazy woman who will tell him what he wants to hear.
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Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
Setting boundaries (think about it) is like trying to institute a logical sane way to deal with INSANITY, and hope the addict will feel the consequences from drinking and be motivated to seek recovery, At the same time the boundaries hopefully protect the family and friends from going nuts.
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
It really blows my mind the extent that an A will go to to continue their addictive behavior. I really admire you being able to not give in and let him walk all over you.
At this point it does not matter what you want for him but what you need for you and your child.
God knows I wish my loved ones would choose their kids and living a life free of drugs but the thing is they don't and I have to accept it or continue banging my head against the wall of their addiction.
At this point it does not matter what you want for him but what you need for you and your child.
God knows I wish my loved ones would choose their kids and living a life free of drugs but the thing is they don't and I have to accept it or continue banging my head against the wall of their addiction.
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