New here. Need help.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: NJ
Posts: 24
New here. Need help.
Hi.
I am hurting and I don't know where else to turn right now. I'm glad I found this forum.
I dated an alcoholic for the last two and a half years. She is sober now and has been for about two months. She is attending AA regularly and that is now her primary focus in life.
I guess I don't need to list all of the awful things that she did while she was drinking. I'm sure you've heard it all before. But in short, a lot of lying, hiding, manipulating, verbal abuse and deceiving.
We went back and forth so many times during that period...too many times to have kept count.
Thing is, when she was sober, she was the kindest person and I really believed that she loved me. Or so it seemed.
There was a lot of damage done though, and I commited to staying with her because she finally admitted to her problem. I felt like the relationship would finally be able to work.
Since she has been sober, we have already had three arguments that led to either not talking for a while and/or breaking up (again). The last time was a little over a week ago.
I work in the entertainment industry at night. Although that job lends itself to potentially being unfaithful (for some), I have always been true to her. She had come with me about 3/4 of the time during our relationship.
It also comes with being around alcohol. The last time she came with me, about three months ago when she was still drinking, she got mad at me and left me far from home with no vehicle and a lot of heavy equipment.
There had been many other times when she was with me and caused other types of problems for me while I was working.
I had a job last week that she expressed interest in going to with me. This is the first time she has done that since she started her recovery.
I told her that I didn't think it was a good idea and that I'm not ready to have her come along. She didn't like that.
Her reaction was the same as when she was drinking. Her most frequent method of dealing with something that she is unhappy about is to avoid me, ignore my calls and get herself riled up even more.
This is difficult for me to deal with. I think the normal way to handle problems is to talk about them. I understand why it would upset her, but she wouldn't even try to understand my side. I just wanted to go do my job with no potential problems or distractions. I felt I had that right. When we finally did talk the next day, I tried to explain that to her yet she kept insisting that there must be some "other reason." There wasn't.
One night, working by myself. That's all I wanted.
Well now we have broken up again and this time it seems really for good. I don't even feel that I want to be back with her again yet I still miss her and love her.
And through a popular community site, she is doing things to intentionally hurt me. She has done this before, many times, but now she has gone for the throat. I can simply avoid looking, but I haven't found the strength to do that yet.
In hindsight, I understood why she did that when she was drinking, but I don't understand it now.
Do alcoholics, even in recovery, still lie and manipulate like they did before? Does it even stop? Was the whole relationship and everything she said to me, just all one big lie?
I'm very confused, very hurt and feel alone.
Other things in my life are also taking its toll on me and I'm having a rough time. I went to sleep last night praying that I wouldn't wake up today. But here I am.
Thanks for reading.
I am hurting and I don't know where else to turn right now. I'm glad I found this forum.
I dated an alcoholic for the last two and a half years. She is sober now and has been for about two months. She is attending AA regularly and that is now her primary focus in life.
I guess I don't need to list all of the awful things that she did while she was drinking. I'm sure you've heard it all before. But in short, a lot of lying, hiding, manipulating, verbal abuse and deceiving.
We went back and forth so many times during that period...too many times to have kept count.
Thing is, when she was sober, she was the kindest person and I really believed that she loved me. Or so it seemed.
There was a lot of damage done though, and I commited to staying with her because she finally admitted to her problem. I felt like the relationship would finally be able to work.
Since she has been sober, we have already had three arguments that led to either not talking for a while and/or breaking up (again). The last time was a little over a week ago.
I work in the entertainment industry at night. Although that job lends itself to potentially being unfaithful (for some), I have always been true to her. She had come with me about 3/4 of the time during our relationship.
It also comes with being around alcohol. The last time she came with me, about three months ago when she was still drinking, she got mad at me and left me far from home with no vehicle and a lot of heavy equipment.
There had been many other times when she was with me and caused other types of problems for me while I was working.
I had a job last week that she expressed interest in going to with me. This is the first time she has done that since she started her recovery.
I told her that I didn't think it was a good idea and that I'm not ready to have her come along. She didn't like that.
Her reaction was the same as when she was drinking. Her most frequent method of dealing with something that she is unhappy about is to avoid me, ignore my calls and get herself riled up even more.
This is difficult for me to deal with. I think the normal way to handle problems is to talk about them. I understand why it would upset her, but she wouldn't even try to understand my side. I just wanted to go do my job with no potential problems or distractions. I felt I had that right. When we finally did talk the next day, I tried to explain that to her yet she kept insisting that there must be some "other reason." There wasn't.
One night, working by myself. That's all I wanted.
Well now we have broken up again and this time it seems really for good. I don't even feel that I want to be back with her again yet I still miss her and love her.
And through a popular community site, she is doing things to intentionally hurt me. She has done this before, many times, but now she has gone for the throat. I can simply avoid looking, but I haven't found the strength to do that yet.
In hindsight, I understood why she did that when she was drinking, but I don't understand it now.
Do alcoholics, even in recovery, still lie and manipulate like they did before? Does it even stop? Was the whole relationship and everything she said to me, just all one big lie?
I'm very confused, very hurt and feel alone.
Other things in my life are also taking its toll on me and I'm having a rough time. I went to sleep last night praying that I wouldn't wake up today. But here I am.
Thanks for reading.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: NJ
Posts: 24
Just wanted to add that I have been to a few Al-Anon meetings and they were helpful. I haven't been in a few weeks due to scheduling conflicts. But I did even go to an AA meeting with her on Thanksgiving.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
Welcome to SR steelenme.
I sure do understand how you might feel confused, hurt, and alone. But you're not alone any more. Hopefully as you read through the threads here and continue to post and ask questions, the confusion will subside as you begin to get more knowledge, and eventually the pain will subside too.
Many of us have been guilty of thinking that when the alcoholic begins to seek recovery, that all the problems we endured with them will magically disappear. I don't think it happens that way off the bat very often (if at all?). Sometimes people go through continued rough times, maybe even worse, until a much longer period of sobriety is achieved. Some couples stay together throughout the process, some temporarily split and later reconcile, and, some split for good. It's hard to tell which direction it will go for each situation is different.
I'm glad that you are giving Alanon a try. Give it at least 6 meetings (different ones if possible) before you decide if it's for you or not. Attending 'open' AA meetings (especially speaker meetings) are a good idea too. That way you can get a good idea of what recovery 'does' look like!
Keep coming back!
I sure do understand how you might feel confused, hurt, and alone. But you're not alone any more. Hopefully as you read through the threads here and continue to post and ask questions, the confusion will subside as you begin to get more knowledge, and eventually the pain will subside too.
Many of us have been guilty of thinking that when the alcoholic begins to seek recovery, that all the problems we endured with them will magically disappear. I don't think it happens that way off the bat very often (if at all?). Sometimes people go through continued rough times, maybe even worse, until a much longer period of sobriety is achieved. Some couples stay together throughout the process, some temporarily split and later reconcile, and, some split for good. It's hard to tell which direction it will go for each situation is different.
I'm glad that you are giving Alanon a try. Give it at least 6 meetings (different ones if possible) before you decide if it's for you or not. Attending 'open' AA meetings (especially speaker meetings) are a good idea too. That way you can get a good idea of what recovery 'does' look like!
Keep coming back!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Somewhere out there
Posts: 156
Steelenme, It is sooooo hard to be involved with an alcoholic. There is no textbook answer to your behavior question as no two alcoholics are alike. I think the thing for me to remember was how much I allowed myself to hurt/get hurt by someone. So the good was very good but the bad was very bad too and I couldn't ignore the bad hoping for more good. Al Anon meetings are wonderful, SR is wonderful. There are alot of people here that can relate. I am in recovery myself (AA) and I married and divorced someone who drank a whole lot. Alcoholism is a devastating disease. I am glad you woke up this morning and are here.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Steelenme first let me say WELCOME to SR. You will find a lot of ES&H here.
There's the rub. She has stopped drinking. Does not mean the alcoholic behavior has abated YET. It takes a LONG TIME for all the alcohol to be removed from the body, it is a toxin.
And then she has to face some real hard REALITY about herself and start working on her. Unfortunately, just removing the alcohol is only THE BEGINNING. Taking away the alcohol does not create an immediate miracle. The alcoholic has to WANT sobriety, and then has to work real hard for it.
Right now she is relying on the only mechanisms she knows when she is hurt, confused, angry, sad, etc and that is to lash out.
I know, over 26 years ago I was where she is now. And over 23 years ago on the advice of my AA sponsor, I was having trouble in my marriage and I went to Alanon.
You won't be able to figure it out. The best thing you can do for you is get to Alanon. Make time for Alanon. That is for YOU. Work on you. Work on what your REAL ambitions and goals are and what your boundaries are for you. That is the best way to help her.
The next time you talk, and oh yes, I am sure there will be a next time, tell her you do not feel comfortable talking about it (whatever 'it' is at the moment) and suggest she talk with her sponsor.
Only you will know down the road whether you want to be with this woman or not. However, Al-anon can help you in so many ways...........whether it be for this relationship or one in the future.
Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing, we do care very much!
Love and hugs,
In hindsight, I understood why she did that when she was drinking, but I don't understand it now.
And then she has to face some real hard REALITY about herself and start working on her. Unfortunately, just removing the alcohol is only THE BEGINNING. Taking away the alcohol does not create an immediate miracle. The alcoholic has to WANT sobriety, and then has to work real hard for it.
Right now she is relying on the only mechanisms she knows when she is hurt, confused, angry, sad, etc and that is to lash out.
I know, over 26 years ago I was where she is now. And over 23 years ago on the advice of my AA sponsor, I was having trouble in my marriage and I went to Alanon.
You won't be able to figure it out. The best thing you can do for you is get to Alanon. Make time for Alanon. That is for YOU. Work on you. Work on what your REAL ambitions and goals are and what your boundaries are for you. That is the best way to help her.
The next time you talk, and oh yes, I am sure there will be a next time, tell her you do not feel comfortable talking about it (whatever 'it' is at the moment) and suggest she talk with her sponsor.
Only you will know down the road whether you want to be with this woman or not. However, Al-anon can help you in so many ways...........whether it be for this relationship or one in the future.
Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing, we do care very much!
Love and hugs,
I Finally Love My Life!!!
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: New England
Posts: 648
I didn't cause it
I can't control it
I can't cure it
XABF's behaviours were better when he drank. He was grumpy when he was sober and wanted to drink.
I like how you put your foot down for one night to work by yourself - you took care of yourself. I think it's great you're going to Al-anon. Keep taking care of you...and welcome!
I can't control it
I can't cure it
XABF's behaviours were better when he drank. He was grumpy when he was sober and wanted to drink.
I like how you put your foot down for one night to work by yourself - you took care of yourself. I think it's great you're going to Al-anon. Keep taking care of you...and welcome!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: NJ
Posts: 24
Thank you all for your kind words.
I'm sorry, I don't tknow what ES&H is, but i'm sure it's a good thing.
I guess a difficulty that I am having is knowing who she really is. Is her lashing out a result of her disease or recovery, or is it just who she really is?
Does she really mean the awful things she says about me and to me?
She is very obviously (to me) right now trying to hurt me more. Why? She seems to WANT me to suffer and isn't taking any responsibility for the effect that all she has done has had on me. And if I say that to her she will completely deny it. (She said in the past that I have the audacity to think that what she does has anything to do with me).
It makes me question and doubt myself. My confidence is shot.
It feels like games. Feels so immature.
Laurie, you said that we will talk again. Maybe you're right, but I don't know. Her MO has been to send me a text after a week or so of not talking. I have to say I hate texts. It's so impersonal and time consuming...we've actually had arguments for hours through text.
Well the last time this happened, her text was "Hope you are doing ok." To me, that felt so insincere. My response was simply "Yeah thanks you too" but then that led to talking more the next day because I had a lot to say. If I got a text like that now, I would feel like responding with "Bulls**t!" But I know that would make things worse but I am so angry and want to vent at her.
I am currently unemployed and pretty close to being broke. I am going to visit my family for the holidays but I have no money to buy presents and that is killing me. I was collecting unemployment for a bit but now my former employer is contesing that. I have a phone interview tomorrow for the appeal hearing and I am so nervous about it because if I get cut off from that I don't know what to do.
I quit my job a couple of months ago. I can't blame her for that although the problems I was dealing with concerning her definitely contributed to my underperforming at my job which led to a disscussion with my boss. I was told that if I continued down that road that I would get fired, and my boss talked me into resigning being the best option.
At the time, it seemed the right thing to do. I have many interests and I have an idea that I have been working on that could make me an even better living than before. I also occasionally work the job that I mentioned earlier, but that's not enough to make a living.
My problem is I am so drained right now and I don't have any motivation to do anything. I feel so awful about this situation with my exgf, about myself and about life. I am precariously close to losing it.
I know Al-Anon will help but I have about 3/4 of a tank of gas in my car and no more money to put more gas in. So even just leaving the house right now is an issue.
I'm sorry, I don't tknow what ES&H is, but i'm sure it's a good thing.
I guess a difficulty that I am having is knowing who she really is. Is her lashing out a result of her disease or recovery, or is it just who she really is?
Does she really mean the awful things she says about me and to me?
She is very obviously (to me) right now trying to hurt me more. Why? She seems to WANT me to suffer and isn't taking any responsibility for the effect that all she has done has had on me. And if I say that to her she will completely deny it. (She said in the past that I have the audacity to think that what she does has anything to do with me).
It makes me question and doubt myself. My confidence is shot.
It feels like games. Feels so immature.
Laurie, you said that we will talk again. Maybe you're right, but I don't know. Her MO has been to send me a text after a week or so of not talking. I have to say I hate texts. It's so impersonal and time consuming...we've actually had arguments for hours through text.
Well the last time this happened, her text was "Hope you are doing ok." To me, that felt so insincere. My response was simply "Yeah thanks you too" but then that led to talking more the next day because I had a lot to say. If I got a text like that now, I would feel like responding with "Bulls**t!" But I know that would make things worse but I am so angry and want to vent at her.
I am currently unemployed and pretty close to being broke. I am going to visit my family for the holidays but I have no money to buy presents and that is killing me. I was collecting unemployment for a bit but now my former employer is contesing that. I have a phone interview tomorrow for the appeal hearing and I am so nervous about it because if I get cut off from that I don't know what to do.
I quit my job a couple of months ago. I can't blame her for that although the problems I was dealing with concerning her definitely contributed to my underperforming at my job which led to a disscussion with my boss. I was told that if I continued down that road that I would get fired, and my boss talked me into resigning being the best option.
At the time, it seemed the right thing to do. I have many interests and I have an idea that I have been working on that could make me an even better living than before. I also occasionally work the job that I mentioned earlier, but that's not enough to make a living.
My problem is I am so drained right now and I don't have any motivation to do anything. I feel so awful about this situation with my exgf, about myself and about life. I am precariously close to losing it.
I know Al-Anon will help but I have about 3/4 of a tank of gas in my car and no more money to put more gas in. So even just leaving the house right now is an issue.
Last edited by steelenme; 12-06-2007 at 09:39 AM. Reason: Something to add
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: NJ
Posts: 24
I guess my fear too is that she no longer cares about me. I know from her past relationships once she's done, she's done. At least with the guy before me. She had no more feeling or emotion about him at all. I fear that she doesn't care about me or even think about me. After all I went through with her...all of the lies, abuse and so on...after all the support I gave her. All the kind words and wishes for her going into and during recovery...how can I just be cast off like I don't matter anymore? How does she not acknowledge all that I DID do? How does she not understand all of the pain I am in?
Reading the posts on this site from people that are alcoholics, I didn't see one mention of care, concern, sympathy or otherwise about the people that they have hurt and affected.
I am so sad.
Reading the posts on this site from people that are alcoholics, I didn't see one mention of care, concern, sympathy or otherwise about the people that they have hurt and affected.
I am so sad.
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
Welcome Steel 
Glad that you found us!
Know that you are not alone in this!
E S & H = Expierence, Strength and Hope
Glad to see that you went to Al-Anon it can be a great source for you.
Please keep posting here too! We are glad you are here
Glad that you found us! Know that you are not alone in this!
E S & H = Expierence, Strength and Hope
Glad to see that you went to Al-Anon it can be a great source for you.
Please keep posting here too! We are glad you are here
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: oh
Posts: 757
hi! my ah(alcoholic husband) is also in the night enternainment business. he plays in two different bands right now. so, i can give you perspective on this.
we've been together 7 years and i can tell you that being the partner of someone in this kind of work is not easy. it takes A LOT of openess and communication. for me, i felt like everytime he joins a new band- because of the close contact- they are much like family. so, he brings these strangers -some i like-some i don't- into OUR lives and i have to accept it.
also, i know all to well the beginning struggle with not liking the lifestyle and everything that comes along with it - the bars-the alcohol-the women throwing themselves at him. i even stood there and watched a woman lift her shirt in front of my husband and expose herself to him! then add on AH's struggle with alcohol. not easy to handle.
in the beginning this would drive me crazy. i don't like hanging in bars -not my thing-but i would go to "watch" over him. eventually this was making me miserable. so, i finally had enough of that and decided to stay home and do WHATEVER makes me feel good and let him go do his thing.
i knew AH's love for music when i met him and i also knew that this made him happy and that it was definitely NOT something that i could take away from him. this was not up for debate.
so, the solution, open communication. whatever i was feeling i would talk to him about it- be it jealousy, fear, whatever. he is very faithful. he does not drink when he plays - believe it or not-he is very serious about it and it is a job for him and drinking would mess up his playing -lol. so, there it was -trust.
when he joins a new band we talk about it. i have NO say in who he plays with or how oftern he plays out, but we do talk about it and when needed i set my own boundaries. we have reached mutual agreements and compromises with it along the way. i am now very comfortable with him going and me sitting home or me going with friends of my own. i have that night "free" to myself and i can choose what i would like to do with it. on occasion, if i truly want to go watch him play. i do, but solely because i truly want to watch him play and be with him and not out of my need to control or "mother" the situation.
as far has her attitude right now, i have to tell you that the two months AH went to outpatient treatment and was sober were the hardest. there is something called dry drunk that they go through. the alcohol is not there, but the thinking and mental aspects -attitude-are still there. my AH was so stir crazy that he went on a rampage and tore our house apart-literally.
they are desperate and do whatever they think will allow them to drink again-look for any excuse. in AH's case he did everything possible to prove to me that it was not the drinking and we still had problems, so he could go back to drinking- "you don't like what i am doing with the house, okay, i'll go back to drinking"
if i was as far as i am in recovery now in hindsite i probably would have just let him go to town on the house and everything else and not said a word -harder said than done though.
anyway, i could type forever, hope this helps some.
we've been together 7 years and i can tell you that being the partner of someone in this kind of work is not easy. it takes A LOT of openess and communication. for me, i felt like everytime he joins a new band- because of the close contact- they are much like family. so, he brings these strangers -some i like-some i don't- into OUR lives and i have to accept it.
also, i know all to well the beginning struggle with not liking the lifestyle and everything that comes along with it - the bars-the alcohol-the women throwing themselves at him. i even stood there and watched a woman lift her shirt in front of my husband and expose herself to him! then add on AH's struggle with alcohol. not easy to handle.
in the beginning this would drive me crazy. i don't like hanging in bars -not my thing-but i would go to "watch" over him. eventually this was making me miserable. so, i finally had enough of that and decided to stay home and do WHATEVER makes me feel good and let him go do his thing.
i knew AH's love for music when i met him and i also knew that this made him happy and that it was definitely NOT something that i could take away from him. this was not up for debate.
so, the solution, open communication. whatever i was feeling i would talk to him about it- be it jealousy, fear, whatever. he is very faithful. he does not drink when he plays - believe it or not-he is very serious about it and it is a job for him and drinking would mess up his playing -lol. so, there it was -trust.
when he joins a new band we talk about it. i have NO say in who he plays with or how oftern he plays out, but we do talk about it and when needed i set my own boundaries. we have reached mutual agreements and compromises with it along the way. i am now very comfortable with him going and me sitting home or me going with friends of my own. i have that night "free" to myself and i can choose what i would like to do with it. on occasion, if i truly want to go watch him play. i do, but solely because i truly want to watch him play and be with him and not out of my need to control or "mother" the situation.
as far has her attitude right now, i have to tell you that the two months AH went to outpatient treatment and was sober were the hardest. there is something called dry drunk that they go through. the alcohol is not there, but the thinking and mental aspects -attitude-are still there. my AH was so stir crazy that he went on a rampage and tore our house apart-literally.
they are desperate and do whatever they think will allow them to drink again-look for any excuse. in AH's case he did everything possible to prove to me that it was not the drinking and we still had problems, so he could go back to drinking- "you don't like what i am doing with the house, okay, i'll go back to drinking"
if i was as far as i am in recovery now in hindsite i probably would have just let him go to town on the house and everything else and not said a word -harder said than done though.
anyway, i could type forever, hope this helps some.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 633
Making amends is part of the 12 steps but even if she works the program it will be a while before she is ready for that.
Self centeredness is part of the the disease, there are recovering A's on this site who do show care and concern and give much but sadly many never get to that point in recovery.
Self centeredness is part of the the disease, there are recovering A's on this site who do show care and concern and give much but sadly many never get to that point in recovery.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Reading the posts on this site from people that are alcoholics, I didn't see one mention of care, concern, sympathy or otherwise about the people that they have hurt and affected.
She is very obviously (to me) right now trying to hurt me more. Why? She seems to WANT me to suffer and isn't taking any responsibility for the effect that all she has done has had on me. And if I say that to her she will completely deny it.
Yep sounds about right, she has a brain that is MUSH right now, and has been for sometime. She does not know if she is coming or going. In all likelihood she feels like she is scattered in 20,000 pieces and is trying to put herself back together and doesn't really know how. You want answers that are not there at this time, and depending on how bad the alcohol has damaged her brain, may never be. Most alkies, myself included, numbed ourselves for so long about all feelings, when we get into recovery, we really don't know how bad we have hurt others, and how we have affected others, our mistress or master has been KING ALCOHOL and that is what we have revered.
This is really no longer about her. It is about what is BEST FOR YOU. You will see many posts on here where the person's SO (significant other) never managed to stay sober, and they had to choose what was best for them not for the SO. That is why, RIGHT NOW Alanon is so important for you.
ES&H = Experience, Strength, and Hope
J M H O
Love and hugs,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: NJ
Posts: 24
Hope,
Yes it helps. I, too, am a musician. I have rarely had women "throwing" themselves at me. But I do feel that my exgf would want to come to "watch" over me (although she denies that). I have always been faithful to her and wouldn't even consider picking up a girl in a bar (or anywhere) when I am in a relationship.
I have never betrayed her trust so therefore, it seems logical that she can trust me. When she did come to see me play, she would constantly have guys hitting on her AND she would ALWAYS get too drunk. She never did anything inappropriate in front of me but it was always a distraction.
I had so many conversations with her about that. I love music and that is why I do it. I have been playing for 25 years and I am pretty good at it. THAT is what matters to me. Not the girls, the alcohol or anything else.
When we met, I was actively playing in several bands. She knew that it was very important to me. Yet during the course of our relationship, she would get mad at me at a show for NO reason (several times), would always drink too much, caused problems for me and even contributed to destoying some of my professional relationships.
I realize that it's difficult to date a musician. I have told her that several times. I understand. But I have NEVER done anything close to giving her a reason to not trust me. I have also given her opportunity to get out of the relationship with no hard feelings if she felt that she couldn't handle it or understand it.
I, too, could type about this forever....
Yes it helps. I, too, am a musician. I have rarely had women "throwing" themselves at me. But I do feel that my exgf would want to come to "watch" over me (although she denies that). I have always been faithful to her and wouldn't even consider picking up a girl in a bar (or anywhere) when I am in a relationship.
I have never betrayed her trust so therefore, it seems logical that she can trust me. When she did come to see me play, she would constantly have guys hitting on her AND she would ALWAYS get too drunk. She never did anything inappropriate in front of me but it was always a distraction.
I had so many conversations with her about that. I love music and that is why I do it. I have been playing for 25 years and I am pretty good at it. THAT is what matters to me. Not the girls, the alcohol or anything else.
When we met, I was actively playing in several bands. She knew that it was very important to me. Yet during the course of our relationship, she would get mad at me at a show for NO reason (several times), would always drink too much, caused problems for me and even contributed to destoying some of my professional relationships.
I realize that it's difficult to date a musician. I have told her that several times. I understand. But I have NEVER done anything close to giving her a reason to not trust me. I have also given her opportunity to get out of the relationship with no hard feelings if she felt that she couldn't handle it or understand it.
I, too, could type about this forever....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: NJ
Posts: 24
All I wanted was to do my work. One lousy night. At a BAR! Why would I want to bring her to a BAR!? Why would she want to hang out in a BAR so early in her recovery?! I asked her to give me time before she comes with me again. That is not too much to ask. And she said I am being unreasonable! Huh?! It doesn't make any sense. After I have supported her, encouraged her and been there for her throughout all of this. It is so unfair and I am so angry, hurt, depressed and confused.
Live, Laugh, Love
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Between Fenway and the Beach!
Posts: 1,301
Originally Posted by cagefree 
XABF's behaviours were better when he drank. He was grumpy when he was sober and wanted to drink.
By about June he was at his WORST, wanted to be in bed at 8 everynight, was miserable in every aspect. Hated his job, family, parents, everything. Never sought therapy for anything in his past. Like Cage said my ex was very much worse than when active. You see, he never changed his people, places and things. He continued to drink O'douls at bars and hang out with alcoholics on a daily basis. In the end he cheated on me and went back to his ex as she will probably accept his drinking if he chooses (if he hasn't already) to go back to that. I won't. I can't. He's got so many problems and is not willing to the work. In my opinion him going to AA in his condition is going through the motions, he's not working the steps or he wouldn't be doing what he's doing these days.
I am in NO way saying this is anything like your situation, just giving my experience and story. There's a saying here that you can take alcohol away from the alcoholic and all your left with is ick! That was my life.
Anyway, your not alone, there are soooooo many great people in here to help you through this. I've never been involved with someone before with addiction. It has literally torn my world apart. I wish i left and never looked back last December. I'm sad but starting to realize through therapy and Al Anon that this is his stuff and i need to seek out a healthy relationship down the road. I don't think there are any easy ways or answers as someone mentioned, every situation is very different. All i can tell you is i've been here a long time and love everyone here. Keep posting and read all you can. :ghug3
Becoming a Butterfly
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 904
Hi Steelenme. I just came off a long, painful bout if unemployment, so I know how that eats at your core. Don't underestimate how much damage it is doing to your self-esteem. To have a woman you care about digging at you too is almost unbearable. I was going thru lover trouble at the same time too, so I have an idea of the double whammy.
There really isn't a magic solution (like you needed me to tell you that) but there is light at the end of the tunnel. Keep talking and working it out until it actually does work out. Focus on getting work foremost. Know that unemployment is nearly always decided in the claimant's favor. Know that there is a higher power that loves you.
One day at a time is useful not just for alkies, but for all people. You can't control tomorrow, there is only today. Take all the steps you can to make life better today and leave tomorrow for tomorrow.
I just want to say again how well I understand the unemployment part. It's a ballbuster. I deeply sympathize. Work on that - that is you-oriented.
There really isn't a magic solution (like you needed me to tell you that) but there is light at the end of the tunnel. Keep talking and working it out until it actually does work out. Focus on getting work foremost. Know that unemployment is nearly always decided in the claimant's favor. Know that there is a higher power that loves you.
One day at a time is useful not just for alkies, but for all people. You can't control tomorrow, there is only today. Take all the steps you can to make life better today and leave tomorrow for tomorrow.
I just want to say again how well I understand the unemployment part. It's a ballbuster. I deeply sympathize. Work on that - that is you-oriented.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: NJ
Posts: 24
I am so hurting. The pain is unbearable. I have no motivation or ambition to find work. I have an opportunity to do something, right now at home, that can potentially make me some good money. But I can't do it. I feel paralyzed. I am just sitting here continually refreshing the page hoping more people will talk to me. I can't do anything else. I have no friends that I can call. My good friends are sick of this girl and situation.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 225
Hey there. This might be annoying, but I can relate to your situation. I was where you are now about a month ago. Try and take things one at a time. First, let go of all of the problems that aren't actually yours. Stop worrying about her, she will be ok. I'm not being unrealistic and telling you to stop thinking about her, just let go of her problems.
Second, what really changed things for me was actually accepting people's help. I can't tell you how sick of my situation everyone was. But they were mostly sick of the same thing over and over, not me. Try and spend some time thinking about what you need to do, how you can do it, and what would make it easier for you. Try and think about where you could get that help, and then ask for it.
Don't stress. I spent way too long in panic at all that I had to do to get my life together, which just totally paralyzed me. Once I got rid of the number one problem (the boy) and started addressing things in small pieces, I started feeling better about myself, and was able to do more and more.
Finally, be gentle with yourself. I get that you are a guy and that probably sounds pretty girly, but give yourself a lot of room to do the "wrong" thing and make mistakes. Everyone does. It's what you do after those mistakes that counts!
That is the most self-helpiest thing I have ever written. Sorry if it's too cloying or whatever. I just woke up and realized that I am totally done with my breakup, at least the painful part of it, and I feel really calm.
Second, what really changed things for me was actually accepting people's help. I can't tell you how sick of my situation everyone was. But they were mostly sick of the same thing over and over, not me. Try and spend some time thinking about what you need to do, how you can do it, and what would make it easier for you. Try and think about where you could get that help, and then ask for it.
Don't stress. I spent way too long in panic at all that I had to do to get my life together, which just totally paralyzed me. Once I got rid of the number one problem (the boy) and started addressing things in small pieces, I started feeling better about myself, and was able to do more and more.
Finally, be gentle with yourself. I get that you are a guy and that probably sounds pretty girly, but give yourself a lot of room to do the "wrong" thing and make mistakes. Everyone does. It's what you do after those mistakes that counts!
That is the most self-helpiest thing I have ever written. Sorry if it's too cloying or whatever. I just woke up and realized that I am totally done with my breakup, at least the painful part of it, and I feel really calm.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
