steelenme

Went to Al-Anon again laast night. It made me more depressed. Woke up this morning feeling like sh*t.

ICU

Was there something in particular that triggered you?

steelenme

A few things I guess. Last night's meeting had the most people I've ever seen at one.

Some of the stories I heard were so much worse than my situation. That goes for most of the one's I read on here too.

We weren't married. Didn't live together. Don't even live close to each other. No kids.

~When I was telling my story, one of the men who had told his before me (and was in a horrible place) actually laughed. I don't know why, but I felt it was because he thought my problem was silly.

~Many told me that it was in fact a good idea to not look at her page. That got me to thinking that she is getting the same advice...basically to stay away from me.

~As much as this relationship was problematic, there were stretches of good times where I was fine, comfortable, normal. Even very recently. I miss her terribly.

ICU

Ahhh, I can relate. Someone laughing at me when I'm sharing my pain is a pet-peeve of mine. My initial reaction is how very rude they are. And in some cases that is the truth.

Many times they laughed, but were laughing at themselves because they could relate, or, have done/felt exactly the same way as what I had just expressed. Point is, we don't always know what they are laughing about, but, we tend to feel they are laughing at us. I tend to feel that way when I am down, or depressed....always jump to the wrong conclusion!

The point is, you were sharing about what was important for 'you', and that's all that matters. Someone else's reaction or response isn't!


Yup, most of us have a mix of both the positive and the negative in our relationships. Many of us codies held on far longer than we should have hoping those 'good times' would once again return.

I did exactly that too! I was holding on to the 'what once was' dream, at the expense of seeing the 'what is now' reality. Hey, let's be honest, the dream was much more enticing! Why wouldn't anyone want the dream? Besides, reality can be very ugly and hurtful. However, reality is where the truth is...and I always need to operate withthin truth!

The pain you are feeling is going to come and go as you begin to heal. And, facing the first round of holidays without our former S/O can make it extra difficult.

Keep reaching out here, and continue with your Alanon meetings. Support is very helpful during these temporary, but difficult times!

steelenme

My exAgf is a wonderful person. She is perhaps the most giving, kindest person I have ever met. I've never known someone that gives so much money to charity. She volunteers with an animal rescue group. She'll always stop and put a few dollars in a homeless man's cup.

When we first started dating, I was in a rough financial position. She went above and beyond to help me. I've never even paid her back all of the money she leant to me (she said she didn't want it back).

Everyone that she meets likes her. She is outgoing and friendly. She is very attractive and there are always guys hitting on her.

She has a wonderful, supportive family that lives a few blocks away from her. They have always been very kind to me as well.

I live alone. My family lives very far from me. I can't talk to any friends about this anymore. I have limited means right now to go anywhere or do anything other than stay home.

I said all those good things about her to show why this is so difficult. Maybe I am the one that was wrong?

I know that she meets other guys especially being in AA. There have already been a number of guys that have come on to her, almost right from the beginning. She says that she doesn't want any part of that but now it might be different. It's very easy for her.

I haven't looked at her page. I think it would be suicide for me right now. I did peek from the outside and saw that she changed her picture to one that she knows I don't like her using. And the bitch of it is....I took the picture.

I think that she is doing that still to get a reaction out of me but I don't know. Maybe I'm making all of this up in my head. Maybe she really doesn't care about me at all.

I don't know. Still feel lost, confused and very lonely.

ICU

I hear you. I understand your difficulty more than you realize. I fought the very same battle!

My ex was a wonderful man too. He was very much liked by everyone...his anger management counselor, his various lawyers, and judges...they all thought he was very kind and personable. And, parts of him were all those things. But there were other parts too, that for me, eventually outweighed the good. Realizing that, again, dream vs. reality, was where my recovery began.

I understand how you could feel lonely with family not being close by, friends maybe not being as sympathetic as you might like, no disposable income at the moment. But, you do have Alanon and us here. Hopefully that will help to some degree.

Have you ever thought of writing a journal of your thoughts and feelings? Many people here do that just to get it out. I have found that very useful when I felt as though I had no one to listen to me. It's just a thought!

shakarris

I am so sorry that you are hurting.. but all I can say is one day at a time. baby steps have a way of reaching a mile before you know it

shakarris

steelenme

Did some journaling today. did a few other things. The temptation to look at her page is so strong. The temptation to contact her is so strong. I feel awful.

tryingtoheal

steel - I feel the same right now. We just need to distract ourselves. I think sometimes the sick need to not be lonely will suffocate me. All I can say is that no matter how sad you feel right now, do not go back through your relationship and try to justify anything she did to you, as this is when you are vulnerable and will probably m ake up some weird things to make her the 'good guy' just so you will feel better about contacxting her. Don't!

I did that twice and still got burned! YOU are not to blame...so don't let lonliness trump the fact that she seems to be the one who is deliberately hurting YOU. That should be considered against the law in a relationship, especially since it is deliberate. Would you ever do that to her????

Hope you are able to sleep. Think about a good time in your life (before her). What were you doing during that time? What got you there?

steelenme

Thanks TTH. You are right. And no...I wouldn't do that (this) to her.

I have some stuff to keep me busy for most of the day today outside of the house where I'll be around other people...so that's good. And yes, I slept well thanks.

What's hurting me now is the last thing I said to her. It wasn't very nice and I don't like myself for that. Especially this time of year.

I don't want us to be enemies. I'm happiest as a peaceful person and after spending so much time in a relationship with her....well, y'know. I don't hate her and I'm always able to forgive people, including her.