hopeangel

hey steel, i'm glad your going to alanon tonight. it will be a great help.

i think in the beginning for me ah telling me he didn't want me to go to his show made me feel rejected. i felt like maybe he was embarrassed of me or that he didn't want me going because he wanted to be single and be able to do what he wanted to do. i felt like i wasn't good enough or he didn't want to be with me.

NONE of this was the case and NONE of this was about him. it was all about me and my own insecurities.

i just got to the point that i wasn't happy,the out all night was wearing me down, and making me crazy. so, i had to just let go and accept his need to do this - this took time however.

i can so relate because in the beginning i sounded so much like the girl your talking about and you so much like ah. i spent many nights upset over the same thing.

the only thing really that cured it was time, maturity, and good communication-growth and acceptance basically.

you may have the same issue with other women you choose to be involved with. all you can do is your best to show that you are trustworthy and your best to make them feel comfortable with what you love to do. i would suggest some compromise too and really listening to their concerns and communicating that it is not about the party for you it is about the love of music. communication and understanding. I SOO UNDERSTAND!!!

oh, i never was the drunken girlfriend either-lol- i left that to the other girls

take care!!!

steelenme

She always accused me of being self-centered. I was so strong for so long but now I am broken. I was always able to pick myself up through spirituality but my spirit is broken. Because of her constant accusations I now feel guilty for trying to take care of myself.

I am so hurting. I want to yell and scream at her. But I can't. She WANTS a reaction out of me. She WANTS to break me. I can't understand that at all.

I would always be able to work on myself to the point where I could feel compassion for her. I can't feel it anymore.

I want her to understand the pain she is putting me through. We haven't spoken in over a week yet she is still trying to hurt me. I want her to know what she is STILL doing and to stop it. I want her to see how much it is hurting me AND her.

I'm all for her recovery but I shouldn't be just collateral damage.

denny57

For once prove her right and take care of yourself.

steelenme

What kind of mistakes? I feel like I've made the same mistake over and over again by getting back with her after she has hurt me. I feel like calling her and talking to her. Would that be a mistake? Can I allow myself to make that mistake again?

Barbara52

You can but that would be a mistake.

Sorry to be flippant. I'm sure you aren't in the mood for it right now. You are hurting and grieving over what your hopes and dreams saw as your future. Its not easy seeing them die. But recognizing the death of those dreams is the first step to healing.

Be selfish! It sounds to me as if you have put your needs a distant second for quite some time. Begin to live your knowledge that you can't change her but can change yourself where you find it necessary.

hundow08

everybody feels bad when they face rejection. Maybe her bad behavior has nothing to do with alcohol, maybe it is her true self. which sounds kinda ugly. I say " there are more fish in the sea." Be with someone who treats you well. If your not tied, then why bother staying. Sounds like this relationship has just recently begun. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with this person? If not. Then say your good byes and move on.

LaTeeDa

When I keep making the same mistake over and over, that means I am not learning from it. Life is very patient. If we don't learn the lesson it is trying to teach us, we keep getting opportunities.

L

good_luck

That's kind of what I was thinking of. I was thinking about how I would be feeling better after breaking up and having a little silence, then do something stupid like email "I miss you," which would provoke an "I love you, " which would make me feel like crap for about 2 days. Or about how I would swear that contact was over, then be seized by a need to explain myself AGAIN and then do it. Like a crazy person.

I wouldn't give yourself permission to do stuff that will make you feel worse, I was just suggesting that if you do something against your better judgment, just acknowledge it was a mistake and try not to do it again.

I also got back together with my ex when I totally should not have. On the other hand, at least I finally got whatever I needed to convince myself that it was absolutely bad for me. Sure, other people may have picked up on it sooner....

steelenme

I find it so difficult to accept that she is as evil as she seems to be.

geees poncho

Steelenme, ditto on the feelings man. I,m going thru the same stuff right now & shes been sober 11 yrs ???. Me 22yrs it seems some times they are meaner than mean. They know exactly the right buttons to push, & they Just lay on em. Man if you can detatch for a week or two do it, its nothing but good for you, easyer said then done. Take in some meetings & keep your self busy with other things. she doesn't like herself right now, & you get to be her whipping post. good luck dude. Now I gotta listen to my owen advice!!!

steelenme

Went to the Al-Anon meeting. It helped a little bit. It was very small only 4 people. I guess I have to go a lot.

Still hurting so much. The pain is unbearable.

steelenme

Poncho,

What do you mean she doesn't like herself now?

geees poncho

check out www.coping.org
I just found it again and it will help you (us) with the A's

steelenme

Thanks Poncho. I looked at the site and read some. I didn't see anything there about dealing with an alcoholic. It also didn't answer my question.

geees poncho

Steelenme, what I mean is she may have discovered something about herself in the meetings, that triggered some memories to set her off.
Recovery takes a looonnng time. there may be something with the relationship
that set her off. YOU can not fix her, you can only help your self, thats a
big enough job.
If you love something, let it go.
If it comes back, its yours.
If it doesn't, it never was.
good luck !!!

DetachMe9

When I get very sad and hopeless about my situation, there is ALWAYS something in the "stickies" at the top of the main forum page that helps me. If you haven't looked yet, get yourself settled in this evening and read a few. It's like having a little "meeting" in your own mind. And keep coming back here - it works.

tryingtoheal

...but I annoyed so many friends and family that they stopped taking me seriously and literally groaned if they saw that I was in a bad mood or mentioned his name, assuming that I had been in yet another fight with him. I am embarrassed of myself for this!!!

1) I am sure many of us on SR have felt like not waking up in the morning because of the chaos and life-sucking energy from constant, unneeded drama in our lives due to our beloved alcoholics! If you feel that way again, try to remind yourself that you are feeling a terrible emotion in the present time, but it will go away.

2) You are feeling overwhelmed by not only this relationship but many other life issues. Like the posts above me said, please be good to yourself right now. Here is how I at least get my sh!t organized so I can feel slightly better and less like I am being pounded into the ground by life's little obligations and suprises that stress us out:

Make a list of everything on your plate that needs to get done. Then decide what you need to do to accomplish those things. If the issue is something you cannot control, like your former employer contesting the unemployment and waiting for the appeal, cross it off the list. It is something that you have no power to affect right now. Lastly, prioritize the list by either what needs to be done immediately to the less important ones, or prioritize it by what is stressing you the most to least.

3) I like to call what your gf does to you in fights 'stonewalling.' My xabf was/is a master of this art. It is non-effective, and if you think about it, embarrassingly immature. Might as well challenge you to a staring contest!

My xabf did this so much that it eventually led to 'the end' of us as a couple (and this helped me realize that I had to end it or risk losing my sanity). His stonewalling techniques ranged from pretending he hadn't heard something I said so I would repeat it, thus giving him time to come up with a lie or diversion instead of being truthful; 'pretending' he didn't remember going all Dr. Jeckell (sp.?) and Mr. Hyde on me the night before when drunk, thus concluding in his own mind that he was excused from needing to make amends for the awful things he said; telling me we'd talk about it later or finish a hard conversation later because it was too daunting right then (we never finished it later, and I'd be called a nag if I brought it up again - there was never a right time to talk about something serious to him); ignoring my calls until he had time to 'calm down and organize his thoughts'; etc.

Anyway, the final straw was him ignoring this huge letter I spent a lot of time on. So I guess my point is that you will have to get to a point when the stonewaller in your life matures (have you ever discussed with her how her fighting technique sucks and is totally immature - of course, you should use nicer words to gently say this to her or she will explode again) or the point in your life where you are full to the brim of her dramatics and chaotic behavior. She is disrespecting you BIGtime when she doesn't listen to your side. Also, jumping the gun and making erratic conclusions based on minimal knowledge is a sign that she doesn't trust you, is paranoid or perpetually thinks the absolute scenario which is due to the fact that she possibly assumes you have mnalicious intent. That in itself is not true, right? She is going to need to get help or do major self-reflection to figure out why she is treating you this way when you have never given her reason to.

4) You should do some heavy thinking about being with someone, alcoholic or sober, that has so much bitterness towards you when you say that she has no reason to be. Her insecurities are unfounded, as you say, so it is up to her to figure out why she is so angry all the time, why she is still carrying around so much distrust and putting it on others who don't deserve it, etc.

I know that recovery is not overnight. I used to be a pill-popper. I went through NA. During that time, I dropped a he11 of a lot of my issues that went with being an addict. This took me awhile, probably about 2 1/2 months. Maybe she just needs more time. Maybe you should discuss a temporary break up if/when you talk again, so you can both figure out your stuff.

With time, you will be able to see clearly whether she really is just a negative, not-good-for you girlfriend. Maybe she'll change and you'll end up married...time always tells these things! You should expect better for yourself right now, that's for sure.

This whole process sucks, as you've mentioned. I thought I was going to die when I broke it off with my xabf. I still feel that way sometimes, a month later. Can't say I don't still hurt or miss him like someone took away my oxygen, but coming back here often, I know I will be OK in time. The people here have seen and experienced it all, and everyone is amazingly supportive and wise.

Best to you...

NoChoice

The defininition of insanity that I learned in AA is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. Do you want insanity? It sounds to me like you are tired of the insanity. Just be Steel, just exist, just feel and go to a meeting. You are going to be ok. You are not the first and only one this has happened to. We all made it and you will too. Hang in there.

BTW...(by the way) I didn't do my 4th step or begin to realize what I had done to other people with my drinking until I was a year sober! That is a loooong time. My sponsor encouraged me to take all the time I needed or wanted laying my foundation of sobriety.

cagefree

There are so many powerful and excellent things shared by others above this post I think I'm going to save this thread as a favourite!

I agree with Denny - prove her right - take care of you. When I FINALLY realized I needed to take care of me, I was in so much pain. I gave up trying to save and be there for him. I gave up wanting to know the "Why did he do that" and "How could he behave that way" and "Can't he see what it's doing to me"...I no longer saw the point.

What he was doing in the present became unacceptable to me, regardless of why or how. I stopped wondering who he really was inside - I knew how he behaved towards me and found it disgusting and unacceptable. That was enough for me to let him go and save myself and my heart.

XABF isn't evil, he's sick. I no longer feel responsible when sick people behave in erratic, inappropriate and selfish ways, regardless of whether or not they are in recovery. I now feel responsible for protecting myself from these people by not placing myself in the line of fire, or putting their needs above mine.

Hopefully you are feeling better today - feelings do pass, even when we think they won't. How was your Al-anon meeting?

steelenme

I agree Cage...there is a lot of good advice here. Thank you to everyone.

The post last night from tryingtoheal really helped. I read that just before going to bed and it helped me to sleep well.

To address some of those things:

Yes, her insecurities are unfounded. I have never even come close to being unfaithful. In fact, I made damn sure that with anything I did and anyone I talked to, that she had no reason to worry. I would rarely talk to other girls whether she was around or not. I was to the point where I was almost afraid to talk to other girls for fear of her reaction.

However, during the course of our relationship, SHE started relations with other guys behind my back. (She claims that she never had sex with anyone else). She maintained relations with her male friends including ex-bf's. In most cases, as she recently explained after quitting the drink, she hung out with these people because they would let her drink as much as she wanted whereas I, without being too much of a pain in the ass about it, would gently try to get her to stop drinking when it had seemed she had had enough. I didn't harp on it, but I discussed it with her many times when she was sober.

The Jeckyl & Hyde examples that you gave...they all happened more than once. And yes, I did discuss with her many times about how her fighting technique is immature. She, in fact, even agreed with me. Which is what puzzles me as to why she would continue to do it.

The reason that we broke up this time, the more I think about it, the more ridiculous it seems. I wasn't asking for much. Just wanted one night to work by myself. My Mom said to me last night that she probably felt that I didn't want her there (which is essentially true) and took that very personally and took it to mean something else. Probably accurate and knowing my exgf, I can understand that she would think that way. However, she didn't give me an opportunity to talk to her about it calmly. While we were arguing I did say to her that it's just going to take some time before I'm comfortable with that again. But my feelings didn't matter to her. I was also told last night at Al-Anon that in AA, they reccommend that the A stay away from bars and familiar places for at least six months. I took that into account as well as a reason for not wanting her there. She will still hang out in bars with her friends on occasion. Doesn't make sense to me if she's really serious.

But this "break-up" to me now seems very contrived. She overreacted and bailed. I didn't argue with her about that..I just let her go. Then it became the internet game (again).

The only connection we have is on the popular community site that includes pictures, personal info and "friends." We are no longer "friends" on there and we haven't been for a while, but we can still view each other's pages. She has used this against me as a weapon, although she denies it, but it seems pretty obvious to me. She knows that I look and more than once, more than twice, I have reacted to things on her page in these circumstances.

After the break-up last week, I left my status of "In A Relationship" unchanged...as did she. I didn't look at her page much in those first few days 'cause I was upset and started right away doing things for myself. On Tuesday of this week, I went in and changed my status to "Single." I felt like a week was long enough and I didn't feel in a relationship anymore. I admit that I was also playing the game, but I also knew that I had to change it eventually anyway.

As soon as I changed it, so did she, and that's when the hurtful things started popping up on her page. And it appears that she no longer even looks at mine. For the past couple of days, I've been obsessed about this. Looking at her page all of the time, seeing what's going on.....

I know I am only hurting myself by doing that. I know that she will use it to get a reaction out of me. I say I know, but I guess I really don't know for sure. It's just what I think. For all I know, she doesn't even give a rat's ass about me anymore and doesn't care what I do. That's the part that hurts the most.

I realize how immature that all is. I had more than one conversation with her about that. I called it "high school" and "juvenile" and at times, she agreed.

It's been tough for me though because that is the only thing I have left. It's the only way to know what's going on with her for me. I have a hard time letting go.

But my task is obvious. Don't look. I'll use the AA theme of "One Day At A Time" for that. It's difficult but very important for me to stick to as I know that it will really do me no good to look.

My other task as you all have said is to take care of myself. I will follow the advice of making a list, prioritizing and tackling what's on there (I know I always feel better when I do that).

I'm also going to try to find an Al-Anon meeting for tonight.

My appeal hearing this morning was dismissed, for now, because the employer was unavailable. I was told that it will probably be resceduled for a later date. But at least for now, I get a reprieve.

Today is a better day.