fluffyflea

Hi Everyone,

I'm starting to see how I have this ingrained sense in me to feel overly responsible for everyone around. probably a result of being made 100% responsbible for me family when I was 10.

anyone else have problems with feeling overly responsible at the detriment of yourself?

Ngaire

cagefree

YES! That was a huge problem for me. I took it upon myself to buy X-mas present for XABF's family when he spent his money on cigs and little gifts for himself. I took it upon myself to make my parents try to act civil around each other by acting like a big goof to make them laugh instead of yell at each other. I took it upon myself to be the scapegoat for conflicts that arose between friends so that no one got hurt...no one but me, that is.

I was hurting myself in so many ways by sacrificing myself for others. It is something I have worked hard to forgive myself for doing and something I think about on a daily basis in order to keep myself in "check" to make sure I am only keeping my side clean and staying out of others' yards, so to speak.

I think this came from trying to keep the family peace since I was a child. That and being taught to please others first, then myself last - I learned by watching my mom do this.

cmc

Here is my reason for needing a forum like this: the desire to control people, places and things. At first I didn't see myself as a controller- but a responsible, caring person.

Here is 'me' about 8 years ago:
I do what others should do for themselves because...I can. I can do it better. It won't get done if I don't do it. It won't get done right. I'm helping others. etc, etc, etc. Meanwhile- nobody else has to do what is required of them, they don't learn how to do things, and I have taken their dignity and choices away from them. They continue on happily not doing the things that they should.

Once _I_ change, I learn to take care of only what belongs to me. If someone I care about or work with fails to do what they need to...then they will have to face the consequences they created. I no longer run myself ragged, make myself ill or have no time or even an idea of what I want to do for myself.

Now I can be happy and live a life of my own. Through my personal changes, I've made way for the others I used to 'help' to actually grow and change if they want to and are ready to of course. I'm no longer a part of their problem.

So...to answer your question with a 'yes' is putting things mildly.

Rella927

Well Well....I do believe I can relate to this maybe hence why I'am a codie too! :rof

Seriously....I have felt overly responsible pretty much since I was around 7 years of age....I felt that I was the one who had to keep everything and everyone neat in and tidy in my home!

As I got older I felt that I had to take care of everyone of my friends and well in a relationship I had to take care of him and his family too! I bought gifts for everyone-cards...well let's just say I should have taken stock in "Hallmark" as it was the only way in which I could express my feelings....I had trouble getting out into words what I wanted to say ...(I still do today but have become about 85% better thanks to recovery)

Today I put into perspective my life and my responsibility to ME and my furry child of course. I do not need to be responsible for anyone else in my life today.....I can however buy a gift or a card for someone because I care about him/her not because I need to win them over!


Earth be gentle to yourself it comes in time the disappearing of that fog of caring for others.....you are on the right track when we are aware that is HUGE in my book!

Barbara52

I think its one of my most obvious "symptoms" of codependency to take on responsibility where there really is none. I'm working on rooting that behavior out of my life but it keeps showing up in all sorts of places. At the moment I dealing with how it has showed up in my relationship with my pastor and church. Its amazing how the roots of codependency have spread out all over the place. It makes it a particularly difficult little weed to pull.

LaTeeDa

Oh yeah. *raising hand* I can relate, too. The other night the kids and I were sorting through the Christmas ornaments so we can give x's to him and my daughter says--"You know, when we were little, you guys gave us some pretty lame gifts in our stockings." I busted out in tears. Then she starts saying she was sorry, didn't mean to hurt my feelings, etc. I told her it wasn't that, it was that there was no "you guys." It was all me. I bought all the Christmas gifts, wrapped them, filled the stockings, decorated the tree--he did nothing. Except maybe criticize the choices I made. I even bought myself presents and labeled them from him so the kids wouldn't know how uninvolved he was. Yikes!

BTW, I still buy myself presents, but I don't lie about who they are from!

L

GiveLove

Earthworm,

I absolutely have this same tendency. In my case, I was 8.

It does get easier once you're aware of it, and start to be able to identify it as it's happening. It never went away completely (yet) for me, but it's not painful any more. I simply had to teach myself to identify it, call it what it was ("oh, that's me feeling like I'm responsible for the entire world's behavior and happiness again") and forcing myself to let go of it and get on to other thoughts and activities, forcibly if necessary.

It's hard......but if you're like me, the awareness is half the battle, and it gets better with time and practice. Lovingkindness meditation -- where I sent love and good thoughts (prayers, I guess) to everyone instead of physically trying to make it all better -- helped me, gave me something I could offer without sacrificing my own happiness and calm.

Just do what you can do, love as much as you can love, and let other people make their own mistakes....they have that right. They're on their own journey. Take care of you.

Hugs,
GL