Penny2008

My husband became sober about 2 years ago and only started AA two months ago. I also started Al-Anon.

We seperately briefly over his affair in Jan '07. We went to marriage counseling and things were much better. But when he started AA in September ' 07 he came home from meetings depressed and distant. He denies another woman is involved. He has been going to 3-4 AA meetings a day, so there is no time for another woman .

Next thing I know, he says he can't be in the house. Says he is just starting to learn who he is. Says he is dealing will all the pain he has caused me and others and is guilty of the time he is away at AA and not home with me. Says I can do better than him and deserve better than him.

I told him that I was not upset that he was going to so many AA meetings (I was very happy in the fact he was getting help). He told me he loves me but is not sure he wants to be married to me or anyone.

He wants to be apart while he figures this out and he goes to AA and I go to Al-Anon.

I am absolutely heartbroken.

kj21

My heart goes out to you. How unfair that we put in the hard time while they are active then, they leave us. It is not right. But maybe this will be better for you, maybe god has a better destiny for you!! I believe that everything happens for a reason. I know it doesn't make you feel better now. I am sorry for your pain, hugs to you!

hbb

Hugs to you Penny. It's terrible, my exabf left me too after i encouraged AA after he had been drinking for 17 years straight. He too said he needed to "find himself" that he felt guilt for his past, that i deserved better and blah blah blah. It's been the toughest thing in the world. The very last words i said to him in July were "i never thought that helping you get sober would make you leave me" and he said nothing. I too am at a heartbroken loss. Come to find out mine lied and deceived me in other ways too. I don't get it, but i can tell you that i know your pain. I know it's not the same as we weren't married but the feeling of being left and not knowing whats going on is crushing. My thoughts are with you, it's a terrible disease.

cagefree

Yup - I got a similar speech as well when he started doing Step 4. He suddenly showed up at my door out of the blue and said he "couldn't do this anymore" and that he didn't want to date anyone, but if he did, it wouldn't be me.

I was crushed and felt like my entire world was imploding, and it hurt so much I wanted to run from myself...but I didn't. I worked on myself instead.

I know this doesn't help you now to hear this, but I truely am glad he did it. This is not something that he'll recover from by going to some meetings - When I read posts here by recovering A's and I look at the work I'm doing and how far I have to go to recover from being a codependent, this is life altering stuff. I asked myself if I wanted a life with someone who was learning how to be a grown up in his mid 30's.

Some choose to take the journey together - some don't. XABF didn't. He didn't want to. I don't believe he was ever available to be in a healthy relationship, and as a codependent, neither was I - and I'm glad he let me know and let me go. I don't want to spend one more day of my child bearing years giving my heart to someone who doesn't even think he deserves it...but more importantly, I think I deserve better.

Penny, I'm sorry you are having to go through this, and I want to give you a big fat ((((HUG))))!

Mr. Christian

I know this does happen to many. Since most people decide to drink to forget instead of deal with other unresolved issues, when they do examine their life sober, changes take place.

This happens in Alanon also.
A moral inventory takes place in program and we look at our lives and choices somewhat differently.

I know you don’t see it now, but in the long run it will be better when both are healthy.

Penny2008

Thanks all

I guess I thought once he was in AA, everything would be sunshine, roses and lollipops. Boy, did I get a rude awakening.

It seems (from reading) that not too many marriages make it? I guess I am scared. I truly love him and when things were good, they were very good.

I just hate not knowing what is going to happen. He calls and talks about his meetings. Tell me he loves me and misses me but can't come home. He plans to rent a room somewhere while he gets his head straight.

I am so thankful for Al-Anon and really look forward to my meetings and I am so glad I found this site.

SaTiT

I'm sorry...i can relate. thou i know it dosen't take the
pain away any.

There was a saying that help me..it hurt but it still help.
My marriage was long over before we ever filed for a deviorced.

I still had a rough time at it but oneday about a years later.
A message jumped out at me. it was on a bumper sticker.
"Divorce is better than murder"

I remember feeling greatful at that moment. Looking back
at the way we were living with all of the chaos, infidility..etc.
We tried to work things out, we really did.
But in all honesty..i belive one of us was going to kill the other
at the rate we were going. At the very least one of us was
going to go to the nutz house.lol and the other one probably
was going to dy for a heart attack or stress related disease.

Barbara52

I'm glad you found us too. This place has been a wonderul help for me.

Sometimes I think hope is what has hurt the most. Hope that AH would admit he's an alcoholic. Hope he would get into recovery. Hope he becomes the man I know is in there somewhere.

MsPINKAcres

Penny,

Welcome to our SR family - hate that you are going thru such a painful time, but glad that you are reaching out for help thru your f2f (face to face) meetings & on this site.

When going thru these difficult times, I often read a line given to me in the beginning of my recovery -
No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK.

Wishing you Serenity & Joy,
Rita

penneypoo

sounds like he's getting well, and doing what he needs to recover. i imagine it's really hard for him, but he's doing the right thing. i agree that all things happen for a reason, and maybe this is part of a bigger plan. don't give up hope, or take it personally, just be glad he's getting better. i'm sorry for your pain and sadness, it must be very difficult. you are both doing the right thing, keep it up.

Pajarito

((((((((Penny2008))))))))
I am sorry you are dealing with this. I too had my AH leave me almost 4 months ago now. It's been hard. I was like you. I thought his going to treatment would make everything all better. One year later he was still so bitter and angry that he dumped all of it on me and left to go figure out who he is. He hasn't changed, and I don't want him back in my life. I have changed. I am really taking MY recovery seriously. I've looked at his leaving as an opportunity to look at myself, and what I have seen is a woman who was also sick. Living with an alcoholic is very, very difficult- as you know. Without even really realizing it I was changing and accomodating and adjusting to my AH's insanity. THAT is my insanity. I want a healthy life for myself and our daughter. I have no control over my AH. I have to accept that and take the path I am meant to take. I read a post by LTD that expressed so well what I am feeling these days- I don't miss the man my husband is now. I miss the dream that I had for our lives. I have to adjust my thinking now to figure out what I want with MY life. Your husband is struggling. I know it's hard for you, but you need to take care of yourself. I hope you will.

Janitw

((((((((((((((((((((((Penny))))))))))))))))))))))

My husband left the kids and I way back in July 2005....but it wasn't because he wanted to "find himself". He left us for a female alcoholic/addict. But I remember the October before he left when the kids and I collared him at the door as he walked in one evening and told him that we loved him and wanted him to go to rehab..that we would all go as a family if that what it took for him to stop drinking and killing himself. He laughed at us and sprayed us with beer and said: "Do you think a sober Wayne is going to love you any more than this drunk one?" I told him that I would take my chances.

If he asked me this question today....??? I say - probably not - forget it - do what you gotta do. And so will I. Mine never once tried to quit drinking for us so I couldn't imagine the pain you are suffering right now. I always hoped that my XAH would have tried for us but then I hear of all these people who have had their spouses leave anyway when they found sobriety...usually it was because of the 13th step though. But not always.

Hopefully he will come to his senses and come home. I sure hope it will happen this way for you because its obvious that you love him with all your heart sweetie. Just give it time and see what happens.

Ann

Sometimes the damage done by addiction in a marriage is repairable, sometimes it is not. Either way, it is usually not addressed at all by the addict until they are sober enough to decide what they want (right or wrong).

I'm sorry for the pain of all those who have lost their marriages and relationships, especially after all they have endured to try to keep it together.

But I don't think we can blame AA anymore than we can blame the corner store down the street. Good marriages sometimes go bad, even without addiction, and sadly people get hurt.

My heart and prayers go out for all of you.

Hugs

Penny2008

I don't blame AA, in fact I am happy he finally went.

He blames all of his problems in his life on alcohol. I believe he is also clinically depressed but he refuses to get help with that. He believes AA will fix it all.

Whatever happens, I know I did not cause his issues. He had them way before we met. I did not even know he was an alcoholic. He drank in front of me, but I had no idea he had a sixpack in a parking lot before he got home in addition to the beer with dinner.

I just miss him and love him and miss the man he was. The man when he was sober and we were happy.

I just have to realize, that I have to worry about myself and know that it may not work out the way I want, but I will be ok regardless.:praying

roseb30

Hi, I'm new here. After my husband quit drinking and started the meetings he left me too but he cut all ties with me. I haven't seen or heard from him since the moring he left, March 18, 2010. We lived in our house for 9 years and for some reason he thought he shouldn't have to work and he went on welfare, medicaid, and got food stamps. I couldn't handle the mortgage paymets on my own so I had to sell the house at a short sale. I moved back to my home town and into an apartment. I'm finally used to living alone but I'd much rather be with him. I don't think I'll ever stop loving him. I had my faults too but he isn't forgiving and he's very selfish.

roseb30

I still don't see how someone can do that after 11 years! I had my issues too but I was evaluated twice and found out my addiction was Xanax. I had been taking them for 30 years and they stopped working so I started drinking wine to get them to kick in. After I moved back I went to a psychiatrist and he helped me get off of them. I do take Vistaril which is a non-narcotic and I take Effexor XR for depression. I was on Zoloft for years too and they stopped working. That's why my doctor switched the anti-depressants. I came on this site at a terrible time. Most people are in bed right now.

roseb30

I'll be back on Thursday. There's a lot more to this story. I need feedback. I've been to counselling off and on since he left. There's one part to the story that is keeping me from getting over this totally and I need to tell you all about it. Maybe you can help me.
Thanks in advance.

roseb30

Please don't tell me to go to the alanon chat board. I need to hear answers from recovering alcoholics. I'm not putting anyone down by saying that seeing as I'm a recovering perscription drug addict.

stacylove

I'm so sorry Penny and everyone else on this thread, this is so heartbreaking what these men have done to all of you. Sometimes I really hate men (sorry men)! I hope you are able to move on from this Penny and don't take any of it personally. You did nothing wrong. As the saying goes "If you love someone set them free, and if they really love you they will come back to you"

Now the question is would you really want him back? I really don't understand his reasoning for leaving you. During my recovery, I made amends and grew closer to those I loved. Do you have children?

I'm really sorry for you and please try to be strong and you will grow from this.

Again sorry to all of you, you all deserve so much more, love yourselves because you are more important than any man.

mtnmagic

Hi roseb30 and welcome to SR. I am so sorry you are hurting, but very glad you found us. You might get more feedback if you were to start your own thread. (This one originated in 2007). No need to go to Families and Friends,
if you are more comfortable here. I'm looking forward to getting to know you better. You will find all kinds of support here and the great thing is that it is available 24/7.