Husband joined AA then left me
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
Penny2008,
I have found recovery to be just as hard to navigate w a significant other as active drinking, if not more.
Just a bit of history:
My RAH went to impatient treatment, and came out and I let him come home to our house, with me and w our 6 year old son.
Before that, he was couch surfing, sleeping around, etc. All the while claiming all he wanted was to be with us, his family.
When he came home, he had a lot of soul searchng going on, and some really juvenile behaviors.
HE was always waffling back and forth about whether "this" was what he wanted.
It took 4 months of him threatening to leave, and me threatening to throw him out for not being in active recovery, before I forced his hand.
The truth is, "this" was not what I wanted. Some teenaged grown man, whining his way through a dry drunk. It was like having two kids.
he now lives across town, by himself, works, is sober, and attends SOME meetings.
In his mind, he is working toward getting back to--or just getting to some kind of healthy on his own terms.
he was drinking since he was 18 or so, he is 32. HE is still a young person in his mind, in his choices.
he is learning a lot, but not healthy enough to be in a family dynamic everyday. AA taught him a lot of that.
It was a real letdown.Because I, too, thought it would be hard, but that he would get straightened out in his head when he got sober and went to AA.
But it is a really twisty road, still.
I am deatched from the outcome, but not moving on, as parenting and everyday life dont really allow that right now, and I am still in contact with him.
I guess I just want to let you know you are not alone.
He is figuring things out, and the best thing you can do for you is to live your life and try your best to remain detached from his ups and downs.
Dont be surprised if he starts talking about coming back...
I would suggest you talk to him about getting his own place for a period of time, a trial of sorts, and to let him experience living in the world without you to scapegoat or use as a crutch.
It is so hard, but u can only control your choices and actions not his.
protect yourself, and live for yourself. Start asking yourself what YOU want to do next.
keep posting!
I have found recovery to be just as hard to navigate w a significant other as active drinking, if not more.
Just a bit of history:
My RAH went to impatient treatment, and came out and I let him come home to our house, with me and w our 6 year old son.
Before that, he was couch surfing, sleeping around, etc. All the while claiming all he wanted was to be with us, his family.
When he came home, he had a lot of soul searchng going on, and some really juvenile behaviors.
HE was always waffling back and forth about whether "this" was what he wanted.
It took 4 months of him threatening to leave, and me threatening to throw him out for not being in active recovery, before I forced his hand.
The truth is, "this" was not what I wanted. Some teenaged grown man, whining his way through a dry drunk. It was like having two kids.
he now lives across town, by himself, works, is sober, and attends SOME meetings.
In his mind, he is working toward getting back to--or just getting to some kind of healthy on his own terms.
he was drinking since he was 18 or so, he is 32. HE is still a young person in his mind, in his choices.
he is learning a lot, but not healthy enough to be in a family dynamic everyday. AA taught him a lot of that.
It was a real letdown.Because I, too, thought it would be hard, but that he would get straightened out in his head when he got sober and went to AA.
But it is a really twisty road, still.
I am deatched from the outcome, but not moving on, as parenting and everyday life dont really allow that right now, and I am still in contact with him.
I guess I just want to let you know you are not alone.
He is figuring things out, and the best thing you can do for you is to live your life and try your best to remain detached from his ups and downs.
Dont be surprised if he starts talking about coming back...
I would suggest you talk to him about getting his own place for a period of time, a trial of sorts, and to let him experience living in the world without you to scapegoat or use as a crutch.
It is so hard, but u can only control your choices and actions not his.
protect yourself, and live for yourself. Start asking yourself what YOU want to do next.
keep posting!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: ca
Posts: 13
ouch. my AB left me once he got sober too. he said no new relationships were allowed. we had been living together for 2 years & had a 1 yr old son. not sure how i qualified as a "new" relationship..then everything changed. i did not know what was going on. its been 1 yr since he moved out & its been a horrible rough year. he came & went as he wanted & i fully supported his sobriety. he told me ugly "truths" as he discovered them. only with me drunk. never would be with me sober. yet kept coming back all yr long. christmas, his birthday, his 1yr sobriety date.. after that.he finally said he was just doing what he had to to get thru his 1st yr of sobriety & using me to see his son unrestricted. and was i really that stupid?...i dont know. i guess i was. i do feel shame & terrible hurt over all this. but you know? i believe he is wrong. i will not let his guilty conscience change what i know we had & who i know he is inside. that seems to be the terrible thing with alcoholism. the alcoholic usually has such bad oppinion of self, does not believe for whatever reason, that they really are loved & worthy of love. it seems to be a theme & a sad one. i believe in my case that even tho mine is an alcoholic, that i saw the beautiful soul inside of him & it touched my soul too. we are conected much more than just our son. but he has alot of work to do on himself. he does not see or yet believe fully in that light inside of himself. God did not make him to be broken but until he knows that for himself, he will always feel lost. yes, maybe i am just hopefull girl. altho, really, hope seems almost a thing of the past. my A hasnt spoken to me in over a month. he textes me when he is on way to pick our son up for a visit. that is all. i wonder sometimes why i would chose to love a man who values me so little. we have a child together but right now i get less contact than a stranger on the street. it is confusing. but we do not always get to chose who we love. i do love him. not who he can or will be but who he is now. not the alcoholic but him. i believe in alcoholism as a disease but i do not agree with the identifing as it. you are more than just your disease. you hear alot the who cancer thing..would you blame someone for having cancer? you cant blame an alcoholic for it also..ok, i get that. makes sense..but, if you have cancer, you probably dont indentify yourself as your disease. as in"hi my name is blank & im cancer!" but yet with alcoholics we are just supposed to understand that all alcohilics lie, all will use you, they never really love, etc...seems alittle like saying its ok. as in, its ok you left your girlfriend who loved you (didnt drink either) & supported you thru a terrible time, who believed in you & forgave you in spirit of understanding its HARD to get & stay sober...oh, & who you had a child with. but hey, your an alcoholic & she should have known better & whats wrong with her anyway that she would want someone like you? you know, ive done my inventory. im not perfect by long shot. but i try to be my best every day. best mom, best daughter best friend best me that i can. every day. i do not always make it. but i am not broken just because i loved & believed in a man whos spirit is broken. he may not be able to see the beautiful light that God put inside of him & im sure alcohol has done a damn fine job diming that light & convincing him that light does not exist. but alcohol lies.
i am not wrong about this man. altho maybe i misjudged how far a path he has to travel. i know that he IS the man i know him to be. alcoholism seems to feed on fear & lack of self worth self love. sad. i believe only true "cure" is complete & true full mind body & spirit healing. yes, i still love him & yes i would have him back. but his only true path must include full healing. and not just cause i would love for him to come home. but even if he never comes home again. his usual pattern includes always being with women for convenience. & leaves when convenience is over. i would be just another part of the pattern apparently but we had a son. his 1st. at 45. he loves his son. he now has a tie. yes, i would like for him to see that i am special like he uses to say. i am afraid that he will just continue his pattern & our son will be dragged thru relationship after relationship. that is not healthy for my boy to have to get atatched to people just to have them gone in a year or so. i do not know. i just pray for a full healing for both of us. my A is not broken. yes he was damaged & bruisd in childhood & then continued his self hate & path of destruction well into adulthood. and.....? i do not believe he is unlovable, unworthy, untrustworthy, all the negative "un" crap. instead i believe he is still lovable, worthy, hopeful, faithful, caring, still open to be "settled" within his soul.
AA is good & im sure an awesome & super helpful place...but isnt the idea to regain a healthy life? if you just replace drinking with meetings thats great for a while. but when do you regain your life? a life life? again, meetings & fellowship is great but when they replace your family, then what?i dont know. right or wrong. i will continue to believe that my alcoholic is still the man i saw him to be. the alcoholic sucked but the man inside is amazing.
i am not wrong about this man. altho maybe i misjudged how far a path he has to travel. i know that he IS the man i know him to be. alcoholism seems to feed on fear & lack of self worth self love. sad. i believe only true "cure" is complete & true full mind body & spirit healing. yes, i still love him & yes i would have him back. but his only true path must include full healing. and not just cause i would love for him to come home. but even if he never comes home again. his usual pattern includes always being with women for convenience. & leaves when convenience is over. i would be just another part of the pattern apparently but we had a son. his 1st. at 45. he loves his son. he now has a tie. yes, i would like for him to see that i am special like he uses to say. i am afraid that he will just continue his pattern & our son will be dragged thru relationship after relationship. that is not healthy for my boy to have to get atatched to people just to have them gone in a year or so. i do not know. i just pray for a full healing for both of us. my A is not broken. yes he was damaged & bruisd in childhood & then continued his self hate & path of destruction well into adulthood. and.....? i do not believe he is unlovable, unworthy, untrustworthy, all the negative "un" crap. instead i believe he is still lovable, worthy, hopeful, faithful, caring, still open to be "settled" within his soul.
AA is good & im sure an awesome & super helpful place...but isnt the idea to regain a healthy life? if you just replace drinking with meetings thats great for a while. but when do you regain your life? a life life? again, meetings & fellowship is great but when they replace your family, then what?i dont know. right or wrong. i will continue to believe that my alcoholic is still the man i saw him to be. the alcoholic sucked but the man inside is amazing.
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
perhapse having a conversation with him about not making any big changers just yet and giving it a little more time. with that being said he may just need a little time but if hes truly worth that time....hell get his head on straight and come back. i am sorry for what you are going through i think its utter bs that he is dpoing this to you. its not right but as you said he told you he was a bit depressed....it sounds like he just needs to work the steps a bit longer to get his head all together and sort through things
Member
Join Date: Mar 2021
Posts: 1
This why I’m thinking about leaving
I am a alcoholic 7 months sober doing AA just finished the 5th step and have a therapist whom I see twice a week. I have what you call the gift of desperation which means my pain will kill me if I relapse you people have the same pain but it’s called “silent gift of desperation”. It’s still pain but do you have the motivation to dig deep into yourself for something healthy with not as much at stake? Anyways you fell in love with a sick human which means you people are sick on here playing victim which in AA we don’t play victim it’s not allowed. I’m thinking about leaving my girlfriend she’s very controlling has trauma and all of it does not take ownership of any of her flaws which is making it difficult and does not respect boundaries. The system is shifting in this house I live with her it’s my house. Systems change and a person in recovery is really turned off by a person who takes no action for themselves in life and not do deep work and you don’t have to be alcoholic to do deep work. There is therapy and can work the steps around anything in life struggling with. My girlfriend once told me she was the healthiest person I have met in my life now this far a long I find that statement actually creepy. All this stuff is subconscious on her end she truly thinks she has been supportive of my recovery. She has been supportive but I’m not turned on by a person who sees themself as the healthiest person I have met especially this one. If she does not take action of herself that level of thinking won’t be able to match with this level on something deep.
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