cdk1972

I have been thinking a lot about this thread. Thank you for writing it. I feel really confused. I realize that I really do focus on my feelings being true. As in my axbf leaving me, i feel hurt and unwanted and not good enough, and so my feelings are that I am not good enough, and I am believing that a lot lately. really beating myself up. And realizing that i have done it my entire life. If something hurt my feelings, i immediately went into depression mode, beat myself up verbally, and told myself over and over that i was a failure. Complete a**holes would treat me like dirt, and I would feel terrible about myself, and automatically believe that i WAS terrible. My question is this, though-I always thought i had pretty good intuition- red flags would pop up that i recognized, (however, i chose to ignore them most of the time) so what is the difference between intuition that is true, and feelings that may NOT be true facts? How do you know when to differentiate?

prodigal

I believe you've answered your own question in your post. You have pretty good intuition, but you have chosen to ignore the red flags by your own admission. Therein lies the difference. You're intuition is on the mark if you see the read flags, know them for what they are, leave your emotions out of it (thus NOT ignoring those flags flapping in your face!), and steer clear of a potentially damaging relationship.

True facts are based on WHAT IS rather than WHAT IF. You're attracted to a guy who is picking up like an A rather than a casual social drinker. Red flag. Don't react; act. That means not getting to know the guy better and trusting your instincts that you're most likely seeing an addict doing what he does best; namely, practicing his addiction.

You feel terrible after these losers dump you because you are looking to other people to make you feel good; to fill up that empty space inside. People cannot make us happy all the time, and if they're addicts the only time they make us feel "happy" is when the blush of romance is fresh and they're looking for someone to hook up with.

Don't buy into other people's opinion of you. As someone told me years ago in an Al-Anon meeting, "Other people's opinion of me is none of my business." How true.

cdk1972

thank you so much. That really makes sense- I believe i DO look to others to make me feel good. I don't know how to make myself feel good, without repeating too much of some of my previous posts, i have a hard time accepting myself and liking, let alone loving myself. I am trying really hard to practice a lot of advice given to me, exercises through reading, and what not, but it is a slow process for sure!

prodigal

It is a slow, painstaking process. But if you keep pressing on and pressing on and pressing on towards the light at the end of the tunnel; which, by the way, is NOT a train, you will get there. Hey, I had a crummy day today and spent all of 10 minutes in a huge mall before I just HAD to get outta there due to the emotions it was bringing back to me from more than four years ago!

But they are only feelings. They will pass. Look at it this way: we codies end up feeling used, abused, worn out, ticked off, and generally victimized because we keep going back to drink from the same poison well. We keep looking to other people for approval. We keep looking to other people for validation. We keep glomming onto the WRONG people who reinforce in us our self-perception that we're a piece of junk. It's just like the addict who isolates and whines, "Everybody dumps me and leaves me in the end." Yeah, meantime the addict is treating everyone like dirt and scratching his head as to why everyone keeps leaving. Well, duh, it's a self-fulfilled prophecy.

If you think you're garbage, you will find people who will reinforce your self-image. Corney as this may sound, I have to spend time looking in the mirror and telling myself I am not a loser. My parents told me I was a loser. I chose men and friends who told me I was a loser and ultimately left me.

Yeah, I have lonely days. But I also have learned that the more I tell myself I have value, the more I end up with people who treat me with respect.

Be kind to yourself. Start by correcting stinkin' thinkin' when it pops into your head. Practice doing it. And be patient and kind to yourself during the process.

cmc

My feelings are usually valid indicators of what is going on inside of me. As a child I was conditioned to ignore some feelings and overemphasize others. Everything was backwards. In my family a panic would occur over nothing and serious problems were ignored.

I've learned to let my mind tell me what is true and my memory remind me of painful experiences. If I choose to ignore the facts and/or the pain because I want to follow my feelings, I have the cart before the horse.

For big decisions or areas where I seem to have more trouble, I run things by someone in recovery in order to examine my motives and use wisdom.

I also allow my spirituality and my sense of my HP to influence my decisions and as I mentioned before, I often run things by someone else in recovery. My spiritual experiences are also filtered by my belief system along with what I know and have learned in my recovery.

I've learned to appreciate my feelings and make good use of them. They don't rule my life.

LaTeeDa

This reminds me of a question I once asked my therapist. I was working on listening to the small quiet voice inside (my intuition) and not listening to the "committee." (All those voices that say you are not good enough, you are a failure, you don't deserve to be happy, etc.) So I asked her, how do you tell the difference between the small quiet voice and the committee? She told me that the small quiet voice always has your best interests at heart and never says things in a judgemental way. It's the voice that says things like 'be careful,' 'pay attention,' and 'take your time.' It doesn't tell you things that make you feel bad about yourself.

L

good_luck

Prodigal, I agree with most of what you said, but getting dumped hurts. That's normal, not an indication of a personality defect. Not everything can be blamed on codependence, or the codependents. I'm not saying this to be argumentative. There is probably a line that gets crossed between grieving the end of a relationship, and being convinced that the world is going to end; between being sad about a break-up, and allowing it to define who you are- but in general I don't see the point of feeling like there is something wrong about feeling bad after a breakup.

To tell you the truth, blaming ourselves for feeling bad about being dumped, or seeing that unhappiness as an indication of personal defect, seems majorly unhealthy. I needed to take a month to totally get over the demise of my relationship. This isn't because there is something missing in me, or because I was reliant on someone else for my happiness or identity. It was because it is sad when love just isn't enough, and it's sad to realize that people aren't what you thought they were. My ex was a loser, and I felt terrible about breaking up with him. I'm over it, but only because I let myself feel my emotions and work through all of things I needed to work through. That was hard enough, without worrying about what was wrong with me for feeling perfectly natural things.

Hope that made sense, sorry if I took things off-track.

SaTiT

For me feelings are neutrual. I can handle one of them at a time.
it's when i get emotions going all over the place that i become over whelm.

I belive my brain generate indorphine or sends out eletricity
signal. As simple was the sence of touch on my skin.

So..whatever i feel is generated in my head. It's how i react
to those feelings.

If you grew up in an alcoholic home...you're bascailly lived
under a dictatorship...you're not free to feel, belive, or
process you're empotions...so as you get older..you carry
these same behaviors into your adult life.

You find something familar...that's your world as you known
it to be..you get involved with another alcoholic. It FEELS
the same.

Anyways your relationship is important to you becuase it's
important to you..unfortunatley if it's not important to your
partner they are not going to FEEL the same about it.
Our hurt, anger...are just meters telling us...do someting
different.

anyway..it's the same in our thinking. Meditation will
maybe help you understand it.

we get all kinds of thoughts in out mind.
example: the future...it's in our mind...our mind conjur it up
it dosen't make it fact until we put it into actions.
It's not fact at all...it all in our head...
If you're just sitting in meditation...the fact is...you're just sitting there.
But we will have thoughts...our thoughts drives/triggers our emotions.
I hope that helps.

Okay how can I apply that in my daily living or in the heat of the moment.
It's tough at times i know..so that why it's best that we step away or take
a time out,,not so much to gather our thoughts...but to stop our thoughts.

if we're just sitting there minding our own bussiness, our alki's
comes in ...pick a fight with us...say all kinds of bad stuff to us to trigger
our emotions...they might say that we are bad, no good, or worthless.
We start to feel all those emotions
It's not fact...the fact is we're just sitting there minding our own bussiness.

that's why my Agf use to nagg at me or going into her alter state for days.lol
I can practice that for days..but i have my limits from lack of sleep.