hopeangel

hey dlg, hope your Christmas turned out good. i'm glad to see you posting on other threads. i find your insight very benificial.

i view all the comments above as being protective and caring about you. i find that it is the posts that bothered me the most are the ones that i have also learned the most from. they really forced me to take a good hard look at myself. the more it bothered me the more i had to explore why. it takes a lot of being open to other peoples opinions and understanding that they are just that.... take what helps you and leave the rest. as the saying goes "take what you like and leave the rest".

i hope you enjoy your break.

Growing

I guess I am late to this thread. lol

This is just my experience, strength and hope:

DLG, I will share a little about me that the others on here already know (sorry for the repetition): Both of my parents were Alco's. Dad drank to escape, mom drank because she was co-dependant and wanted to relate/hang out/be relevant to dad.

I was you. I know our experiences may seem somewhat different, but I relate to everything in your posts. Now, I am an adult in recovery.

Unfortunately, my dad died as an alcoholic. Mom got sober and is still a pain because she is co-dependant and her codie behaviors drive me crazy if I let them. You may be surprized where the road with your mom takes you. I was. I had to detach "with love" from my mom as well. She allowed dad to drag her down. She chose my dad, in his state, over us kids, consistently.

It was a real "mind job" having her detail dads shortcomings and then watch her *switch* in a snap as soon as he "tried a little".

I had to live in this house, from 0-20yrs old and she used me as a best girlfriend and it was very unhealthy. I felt like a part of me died each time she promised me, whether I asked her to or not, to set boundaries with my dad and then couldn't bring herself to set any.

You are fortunate, as others have said, you are here now at 18. That proves how smart you are. I mean that seriously. I joined al-anon at 22, found out about acoa after that.

I would have dearly loved to have others, further up the road from me in their recovery, come and share their advice with me, at your age.

I drank in my younger years to escape. Ofcourse, I didn't call it that at the time and it never became routine or even a habit. But I know in my heart the truth was that I was being self-destructive. I was self-sabotaging. Self-sabotage is very common with ACOA's. I am just sharing the truth about *me*. Now, before I take a drink, I ask myself, "Why am I really doing this?" If the answer doesn't include self-sabotage or escape, then I am fine with my decision. You are right. I am not the alcoholic. The sad part is, many ACOA's are addicts/pill heads and alcoholics. I am not one *today*, thanks to my Higher Power.

As a child of alcoholics I felt "pressure". Always pressure. Family pressure and peer pressure. Pressure all around too. At school, at work. I just remember pressure. It felt so good to get out from under so much pressure. The trick is to do it in healthy ways. I didn't always do that.

This remindes me of one of the ACA Bill of Rights: "I have a right to relax and have fun in a non-alcoholic and non destructive way. "

I had days where I felt above it all. Like, I can handle this alco thing. I will not let it affect me...ect. Then the depression would kick back in.

DLG, You are in the right place. The SR board is great! So much wisdom and experience here! Take what you like and leave the rest!

You are an achiever, you deserve the best in life. Recovery is the best, you are doing great! Keep it up!

I am grateful for this thread and the ability to share.

Thanks for reading.

Growing

daddyslittlegir

Thank you so much for your post growing, it helped me feel a little more justified in feeling like mum chose dad over me when she dropped every complaint she had when he just tried a little. I can really relate to that, it's like the bitch and moan with u and then they switch teams, silly I know, but i also got a lot of great insight from my therapist who told me i dont have to agree with her way of dealing but by acting maturely about it and accepting it, i'm more likely to be able to convey messages to her about it more successfully. Apparently the throwing stuff and yelling isnt as effective, shame to hear. lol

The part you told me about questioning why I'm taking a drink is a good one because I know i do things to self destruct, and I'm aware that I'm doing it at the time, so perhaps it will be useful to pause for that second. Lately it's not so much alcohol I have been using to self destruct but nonetheless I will be careful if i do drink more to be drinking for the right reasons.

Thankyou for sharing, I am grateful for your insight and I did take a lot out of it. I also got a bit out of hope angels which helped me to understand why i bristled so much over ccirider's post. My reaction and why the post bothered me, may have been because I know i have been guilty of self destruction through alcohol and pills in the past, and the idea of being told I was not fine in one aspect when i thought for once i really was, kinda bothered me. I kinda wanted to say look i'm this i'm that, i've got this short coming i've got that but one i KNOW i don't have is codependency. I kinda find i'm battling with all these obstacles and i feared having another because i let obstacles get to me.

Anyways CC it was a pretty fair call out, looking at it from the outside i'd see it the way u see it. I suppose i just get defensive about my drinking because i've had to in the past. I had a best friend who was anti drinking, always made a thing about my drinking and I'm just used to getting defensive when "my drinking" comes up.

So thanks guys for helping me realise why i felt the need to so vehemently rebut CC's concern and advice and thanks for helping me realise just a little more that i really need to question certain behaviours of mine and question whether i'm trying to help or hurt myself.

Thanks heaps guys!

kj0975

I just wanted to let u know that I understand your anger and your hurt. My dad is also an alcoholic. Growing up I lived with my mom in colorado and the summers in NY with my dad. One summer after watching my dad get so drunk that it literally scared me so bad and I sat and cried and poured my eyes out how I didnt want him to drink. He shot the phone at me and told me to call my mom to come and get me. I did she drove from colorado to NY to pick me up and take me back home for the summer. For years that killed our relationship I couldnt understand why he chose booze over his hurt daughter but he did for many more years.

He got married and I didnt know about it I heard through a rumor. He got so drunk he hit a bridge and rolled his car and almost died I heard about that through a rumor. I went years without talking to him even after my mom moved us back to NY. He broke my heart over and over. Saying he would pick us up then calling drunk saying something else came up. For years I was always second to alcohol.

Then suddenly he got sober which was all great. he invited me to his AA meeting where he got his chip for being sober. At that moment in time I felt the worst anger towards him I ever felt. HOW could you see me devastated about your drinking and you wouldnt stop for me? I was mad I felt second best to booze. All the emotions came out and I asked him why, why he couldnt stop when I wanted him? How come it was ok to hurt me like that. While I was excited he quit for some reason I was angry too. It took years for me to forgive him I spent so much time being angry that I didnt realize I finally had a sober dad that I longed for. Not sure if I was mad cause he continued to drink or mad cause it wasnt for me that he quit drinking. He quit cause he was facing jail nothing to do with me or my wants.

Years later I am now 32 and I am finally starting to forgive him and enjoying him more he has been sober for almost 20yrs but still angry that he missed otu on so much time with me cause he chose the booze.

There is hope there is hope that one day you will get the dad back that you once had. Maybe then you can work on your relationship but I understand while he is still drinking your gonna feel the way you do and probably will carry that anger towards him for a long time. Its part of the process I had to get ovr the anger and hurt in order to move on and enjoy my dad now. Its still awkward but its getting better. I hope someday your dad will get sober and that you will forgive him and move towards a better relationship and move pass the anger. It will take time.

steelctywoman43

Keep coming back. And try some Al-ateen meetings in your area if you have them. If not, try al-anon. It really does help ! Hugs to you.

sad#3

That's where I draw the line as well. When I start to see that it affects others besides myself and the alcoholic just makes excuses and attacks everyone else for daring to say that the alcoholic has a problem. The behavior gets worse and worse, it does not get better in my 1 year experience. Tonight she bit me on the face hard and I wanted to knock the **** out of her, but there were children in the house... I know it's time to go and she will either change or hit rock botttom, but I and those I care about will not go down with her.

by myself again

DLG Im so sorry you are going through this.

BoiledFrog

DLG, hi and welcome to this board. I've only just joined it myself. I would like to get some insight from you and from the other ACOAs here about how my kids will be feeling about their dad. They are 8 and 6. He drinks a six-pack of strong (5%) lager every evening. The main effect is distance, he shuts himself off from everyone in the house and is wrapped up in whatever he wants to do on the computer. The kids are not aware at their age that it is the alcohol which causes him to behave this way. They just are growing up with a dad who seems to want to ignore them. When it is "his turn" to look after them then he is saccherine sweet nicey nice to them ... until he can't get them to do what he says then he snaps and roars at them with a murderous look in his eyes.

I just wondered what your experience of your dad was when you were that age.

Barbara52

BoiledFrog, as an ACOA I can tell you that your kids are blaming themselves for all the hurts that really lay at the feet of their father and are learning that alcohol abuse is normal. In some ways the switching between nice and nasty behaviors will reinforce their taking on of the blame.

LaTeeDa

They are learning that the life they are living is "normal." It is highly likely that they will grow up and repeat it. Either by becoming addicts themselves, or enablers. That's what I did...............

L

denny57

I'd be very concerned about what I was turning into. Would I have knocked the **** out of her if there WEREN'T children in the house?

nowinsituation

My kids don't know how much their dad drinks -- I've been wondering how to handle this; but I am going to start this in a new thread.

havehopetoday

you sought this forum for solice, advice, companionship. you will find that and even more support in an al anon meeting. we don't choose to love and live with alcoholics...(im hoping) but we end up in a situation where we do and we need support in living with them. pls reach out to al anon...just for you. it will be burden lifted from your shoulder...

daddyslittlegir

Hey boiled frog, as you may know I'm 18, turning 19 in feb and my dad's drinking patterns are/were very similar to that of your husband. It's hard to admit when there's a problem when there is no passing out or wife beating isnt there! You can fool yourself that things are ok or this is normal for a bit longer.

I only came to terms with my dad's problem about 3 maybe 4 years ago, and that's sooner than i probably would have because Mum deemed that was the age where it was ok to make remarks about his drinking how it was excessive and his patterns werent ok. Before then, it's just not something a child looks for, they are surrounded by innapropriate things all the time, sex, drugs, violence etc but they don't perceive these things because they dont know them. They don't know what alcohol is, they wont be looking at how many cans a day he drinks, it just seems like he always has a drink in his hand, like my dad, but we dont often equate that to 12.

I never felt that when dad ignored me, or he was angry or volatile that I had done something wrong because my mother, without realising it I think, or maybe realising it, was always sure to comment to my sister and I when he was in a mood or doing something not right, that "oh you know daddy is moody" or "dad is stressed tonight this is how he gets" or "that's just normal for dad we can't do anything about it" and so on, and when my doctor asked me whether i blame myself for his drinking I said no, because i grew up with the awareness that he was his own person, i didn't affect his moods, even if i triggered one, and that he was just moody and quiet and that had nothing to do with me. Make sure you just comment to your kids who are at the perfect age just in conversation oh dad just likes to keep to himself its not that he doesnt love us. Make sure they don't internalise their dad's behaviour, let them see that that's daddy's personality and he has his own ways of loving them.

Trying to change your husband's behaviour would be hard or impossible, excluding verbal abuse, innapropriate behaviour or violence, let the kids know that their behaviour has no impact on dad, and when he blows up at them, reinforce that perhaps they behaved incorrectly but "Daddy gets very angry, sometimes too angry, that's just how he is but it's not our fault, he still loves us"

The only other thing that could arise out of this situation is the children to thing alcohol is required when one needs to escape (I found myself making mum a gin and tonic the other night after she got upset about her prize dog getting attacked) and that copious amounts of alcohol are ok. While not trying to turn your children against their dad, at an appropriate age, no earlier than 10 or 12 I'd say just comment that while drinking can be ok, it's what ADULTS do, some do, some don't, but it's not ok to drink like dad, it's unhealthy etc. While still reinforcing the positive aspects of your husband and explaining his reasons for drinking, which certainly wouldnt be because he has a wonderful family, will allow your kids to separate their father from his tendency to drink and withdraw.

My final piece of advice is never encourage your kids to give dad an ultimatum like my mum did a few weeks back. Firstly an ultimatum is not what he needs to recover, HE needs to realise his errors, secondly often alcoholics ignore these pleas or demands even from their families, and thats how the title of this thread arose. Alcoholics will often choose alcohol over their families, don't put your kids in a position where they have to realise this.

All the best boiled frog, you and your kids will be just fine, if you do stay with your husband it is highly possible they will turn out great or the opposite, just be aware that combined with the genetics, witnessing this behaviour will increase their likelyhood of substance/alcohol abuse. Whatever you do think for yourself and them, that's a mothers job.

BoiledFrog

Thanks so much DLG. I think I already do some of the things you are suggesting. I have made it clear to my son already that drinking is not something to aspire to when he grows up. When my AH is in bed in the mornings not getting up on the weekend and we are bored waiting for him I always let them know that Daddy had too much beer to drink. My son already knows that Dad is too lenient and inconsistent. He gets angry because he feels that his sister is favoured because she can twist him round her finger. I try to be as consistent as I can between them and punishing them (timeouts) for bad behaviour.

I think you are right I do need to keep reinforcing for them that the distance and the moodiness are all part of the alcohol addiction and are not anything to do with their behaviour.

Big thanks too, to Barbara and Lateeda.

daddyslittlegir

It's good to hear your kids have one great stable parent, my only other advice is don't put your lives on hold, if need be live your life around him. Keep living as if he's not there if he's holding u guys up. By living like he doesnt exist then perhaps he will realise the distance and damage drinking is causing to his relationships. By my mum acting like he was just a stranger in our house I believe it triggered my dad to reassess his patterns. If your husband wants to waste the morning sleeping off the night before take the kids and if u cant leave the house bake with them, help them clean their rooms, do craft, watch movies and make plans with other family friends and tell him well they are my friends too, this is the time we r meeting, come or don't come. Don't get cooped up like my mum did, she got so frustrated having no stimulation sometimes, it's important to keep doing things, independent of him.

All the best
Emma

Daisy30

I am sorry

Just remember
You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it

(((hugs)))

daddyslittlegir

I think i'm "misusing" the xanax, I take it when i'm not stressed, because i want that feeling, normally before bed, i'm scared i wont sleep. The pack is nearly empty, and i'm already stressing over whether my dr will give me more.... i just needed to put it in writing while i am admitting it to myself, before i can deny it again, maybe i'm fine tho, i don't take it every day, just when i crave "that feeling"

Barbara52

Are you in counselling of any sort daddyslittlegirl? If not, please consider it. If yes, meet with your therapist about what is going on. {hugs}

daddyslittlegir

I am in therapy, I'm normally pretty straight up with my therapist, I'll see where it goes, and if i get to that certain point I'll say something. There'll be a point when i feel i should, or I want to stop, i know within myself...