He's choosing alcohol over me...

Old 12-10-2007, 04:20 PM
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Love yourself always no matter what.
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Old 12-12-2007, 01:58 AM
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He's home, not drinking, but i just hate him so much. Mum wants me to show support and i yelled at her well who's gonna give me what i need if i'm giving him what he needs. I just don't want to be around him, I'm not buying this hypnotherapy and councilling bs, it's a fairy floss version. He's already done too much damage, perhaps if it wasnt so long after I wrote the letter, but the way he kept abusing alcohol blatantly in our home when he knew how it hurt me, and he had to look me in the eye as he sipped on his wine. Too little to late, it's just unfortunate my mum and my sister are so quick to forgive, looks like I'll be the irrational, moody b*tch in my family. It's ok, i'm used to that role, I react differently, I have feelings that sometimes I can't even explain, I'm just confused and angry right now, I told mum I didnt want him home just yet and she asked him to come home anyway, i feel like she chose him over me, cos she knows how i feel. I just can't cope with feeling anything at the moment. SaTIT you are right, Xanax is extremely addictive but I don't know what to do these days, I'm just like an empty shell. I've suffered major depression in the past and I think this just triggered it, I can feel myself going in a downward spiral and there's nothing I want to do to stop it....

Last edited by daddyslittlegir; 12-12-2007 at 01:59 AM. Reason: accidentally cursed, sorry
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Old 12-12-2007, 02:05 AM
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Why do I hate him? I can't understand it, he's trying to get help, he's put himself on the line, done something he's never done before. He's broken, vulnerable, human even not just a strong and sturdy parent. He's needy, he's scared I'm sure. He's broken, and needs love I know, and his own daughter hates him, can't love him, can't be near him. Why?? I am in being unreasonable, am i cruel?
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Old 12-12-2007, 07:07 AM
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You're not being unreasonable. You're probably angry, sad, scared, disappointed and needy yourself. Don't worry about him. Take care of yourself. If you can't stand being near him, then don't be near him. Make your bedroom a comfortable place where you can withdraw, listen to music, read a book, etc. Find some friends your age and do something fun.
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Old 12-12-2007, 07:51 AM
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hi daddyslittlegir, first so glad to have you with us!!!

i was just sitting here thinking about you.

i think the very best thing you can do right now for yourself, your mom, your sister, and your dad is...

LEADERSHIP BY EXAMPLE. determine within yourself that you are going to make your life the VERY VERY best you can make it for yourself. hopefully, others will follow in your footsteps.

you can end the cycle of addiction and what it has done to your family starting with yourself.

you are young , just starting your own life. you have the power and the choice to do whatever you wish with it. you and you alone can determine what you do with your life and the kind of life you will have. the possibilities are endless for you right now-the sky is the limit!!
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Old 12-12-2007, 08:24 AM
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you could start all this by putting your family out of your mind and studying for those exams

so, let's talk about you a little more. what are your interest? what are your goals?

big hugs too
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Old 12-12-2007, 08:54 AM
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Hey there DLG
First, let me send gentle hugs to you as you try to cope with your situation.

I hope you don't really believe that your Dad has chosen alcohol over you. Unfortunately, no one chooses to become an alcoholic. It feels like they have but they haven't.

Lean on the people here for a while until you get your emotional feet under you. It's a good place to start. Alanon (or Alateen) is a great place to go once you are able. Right now you are caught in that awful place of denial and anger. We've all been there. We understand. We will all wrap you in our arms and help you learn to cope with this terrible disease.

gentle hugs to you--I hope it eases your pain to some small degree
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Old 12-12-2007, 04:29 PM
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Yeah i've been retreating to my room a lot lately, I'm very blessed that when we renovated my parents gave me and my sister very large rooms with room for sofa's, desks, bookshelves etc. First step I think would be to clean that beautiful room I'm lucky enough to have, when you're depressed it's kinda easiest to "live off the floor". Let clothes accumulate there and if u have to get out of ur pj's pick up whatever is closest to your feet. Lol.

I also didnt take any Xanax this morning so so far I've been able to study for my uni exams but Xanax or not, macroeconomics is pretty hard to grasp. I've applied for and been granted special consideration by my university. My plan is try and study, try and sit for the exams, and just see what the outcome is. I'm smart naturally, I can absorb things when I myself don't even know I'm listening, so i've been blessed in many ways despite the challenges I do suffer at times.

I'm very grateful for the support that has been given to me on here. Thankyou everyone. The advice and support has really helped me a lot. I do have a therapist/psychologist but it helps to talk to "normal" people who aren't being paid to say "I'm sorry to hear that".

I hope one day when, like Kindeyes said, "I get my emotional feet under me" that I can help people with what i've learned and show support and provide advice, especially any other daughters coping with this disease. I think i do have a ways to go though.

I'm still so confused about my own feelings, my family is back together, my dad is at home not drinking trying to seek help but i just feel like dashing this situation to pieces like little toddlers do when they mess about puzzle pieces or a beautiful block creation you make for them. I think i was just so sick of my family looking right but it not being right, and now it seems to be all better, but it's not, and i'm not and i can't pretend like they are anymore. I'm gonna take each day as it comes, although i wish i could completely switch off from them I can't.

I will live my own life, trying to finish my degree, keep going to work and making money to shop (my favourite form of therapy, my shoe cupboard paints a sad story when you realise each pair of shoes = an internal hurt), I will keep spending time with my friends, and I won't be afraid to go out and have a good time after exams and get a bit tipsy or drunk, because I think that's ok for me, i rarely do it, Im young and I"M not the alcoholic, he is.

I'm strong, I know i've got something special, like a maturity that's gonna take me places, a self awareness, which i discovered as I endured years (still am) of depression. It has blessed me really, i won't deny the years of pain, but i have learnt so much about myself, how strong I am, how complex I am, and inside how beautiful I am. I know if i can just get to the right place, I will excell in what I do. I know the fields and areas I'm passionate about, but right now i'm still working with vague goals. This situation with my family, hurts like hell, and just like the depression at times it feels like it's just gonna break me for good, but i never seem to break, i don't think i will, I just think It'll teach me things other people will never learn in their lifetime, and make me as strong as all you wonderful people on here. From tragedy comes triumph, some of you are there, and some of you are still on the way there, me, I'll get there one day...
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Old 12-13-2007, 06:53 AM
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wow daddyslittlegir, what a great post. you are a highy intelligent, mature talented woman. it shines in your writing.

i'm glad you didn't have to take the xanax and are studying for your exams. i'm sure you'll do great. cleaning your room is a great idea too. it helps unclutter the mind. so, it sounds like you really have a plan in place and are taking action to make YOUR life better. great! i commend you for these steps. that is really what it is all about, making the most of our days, one day at a time and working towards goals.

you got a good head on your shoulders girl!!! i say go for whatever you want because i believe you will get it.

take care.

tomorrow, get up with a great plan for yourself for the day and follow through with it, just like you did today
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Old 12-16-2007, 01:44 AM
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well his plan of attack is hypnotherapy, it helped him quit smoking cold turkey succesfully, he is apparently allowed to drink in moderation, one or two drinks which he had last night and tonight, i'm sceptical, i was to begin with, I wont be trusting him for a long time, he came home a few days ago and mum has just grabbed on to this hypnotherapy because i think she needs to believe it will work, she needs it to be so, I just dont think u can go from drinking that much, for so long, for those reasons, to being able to drink in moderation, i believe the issues will still be there and just like before just like with blue wombat, after some time, he will drink like he did before. What do you think, does he need rehab and AA to stop? all i can do to protect myself at the moment is not to restore my faith as quickly as my mother, I don't trust him and I wont let him close to me. I'm just keeping my distance.
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Old 12-16-2007, 03:17 AM
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((((Daddy's Little Girl)))) I wish I could give you a big hug. Do what you feel is right. How he goes about solving his problem is his job. Just concentrate on yourself, your studies, your friends, your hobbies. What your mom does is also her problem. If she's not ready to let go, you can't force her. All I know about recovery is that 12-Step programs (AA) are the only truly successful programs, but one never knows. Have you tried reading "A Million Little Pieces". It's a book about an extreme addict, who wrote about his experience recovering from drugs, alcohol, you name it. He embellished some of the events, but the pain he felt comes across well. He does not embrace the traditional AA program (although he recovers in one at Hazelden), but feels a connection with Taoism. Interestingly, there's a lot in Tao meditations that echo the 12 steps (like letting go, etc...) It's nearly the same thing, but with another name. So,what I'm getting at... how am I to judge hynotherapy, as I know nothing about it?
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Old 12-16-2007, 10:22 AM
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Hey there DLG, and pleased to meet you

Originally Posted by daddyslittlegir View Post
...This situation with my family, hurts like hell, and just like the depression at times it feels like it's just gonna break me for good, but i never seem to break, i don't think i will, I just think It'll teach me things other people will never learn in their lifetime, and make me as strong as all you wonderful people on here. From tragedy comes triumph, some of you are there, and some of you are still on the way there, me, I'll get there one day...
You won't break. There's a saying that goes round the meetings of Adult Children of Alcoholics that says "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger". It looks to me like you have obtained a great deal of strength already. There's another saying: "Pain is weakness leaving the body". That one sounds like you as well.

You are already half-way like us. You have the strength, you have the understanding that the problem is in your parents and not you, you have the dedication to making _your_ life better. The only thing you don't seem to have is a structured program of recovery. Al-anon and Adult Children of Alcoholics have worked very well for me. You might want to check out some of the literature and see if you find it useful.

Oh, and another thing that makes you like us is that you are willing to share your experience, strength and hope on this forum. There are a lot of people who "lurk" and never post, many of them your age or younger. So please continue to post, you are helping a lot of people indirectly.

Mike
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Old 12-16-2007, 10:39 AM
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Girl,

You are way ahead of me. I didn't seriously start identifying the pain and pressures of my alcoholic family members until I was in my 30's.

You will be fine. Your road will be a little bumpier than some peoples' because of what you've had to deal with, but you can still live an incredibly happy life if you make the choices -- and only the choices -- that will move you toward it, and none of the choices that will get in the way.

Hugs to you -- take care of yourself

GL
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Old 12-19-2007, 03:54 AM
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Hey guys, thanks for all the kind posts, nearly christmas, and as each day goes by I feel my anger sort of dissolving, my hate mellowing, and myself seeing my dad as dad again, my anger of the past few weeks has changed, I wonder if I'm just supressing like a lot of my feelings, or like always, time just mellows things, and they seem to escape me before i really have a chance to chew it out which sometimes i need to do, or not, the way i obsess sometimes probably isnt healthy. I got through exams, i think i passed two out of three, i'm really proud considering I was zonked on xanax for a bit.

Im gonna use the holidays to recharge. I need it, as i mentioned before I'm being medicated for clinical depression which i inherited from my dad and a bunch of childhood issues triggered. This whole situation has sorta triggered an episode, and some days r fine i wont lie, others days not so fine, so i'll just have to see how i go, keep puttingone foot in front of the other and let things become ok. My only problem is i feel the issues slip from me before i have a chance to really feel what i'm feeling about these things, and to deal with them, oh i don't know today, it's just one of those days where i dont know whats up or down.

Dad's drinking in moderation, one or two glasses a night, and he had his first session of hynotherapy today, seems good, we'll see. He's wearing his wedding ring again, he hasnt worn it in years, cos he doesnt like wearing jewellery. I think he is making changes, trying to make things up to mum, he needs to make things up to me too, I still havent forgiven him for a lot of things and i wont for a while....
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Old 12-19-2007, 04:18 AM
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hey dlg, glad to hear from you. i think about you a lot! i'm glad you seem to have done pretty good on your exams. i'm proud of you too!

i know exactly what you are saying about things mellowing out before you really have a chance to address them. i feel like that happens to me too. it is the dealing with things and addressing them that really takes courage.

so your on Christmas break now probably right? what is your plan for that?

take care hon!!! keep putting on foot in front of the other. glad you seem to be feeling better
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Old 12-25-2007, 02:07 AM
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well I hope everyone is having a nice christmas, wherever they might be but lets not kid ourselves, christmases r normally powder kegs waiting to explode, so far we r alright but hey there is still a few hours for someone to be impaled with a carving knife or serving utensil. Families r crazy, especially when u add alcohol to the mix. Dad seems to be good. Things r just melting back to normal but with less alcohol although i wouldnt know. 12 glasses of wine always just looked like the one to me but hey. I'm sick of being on drink watch. Not my problem!

Starting the 1st of jan I have four weeks of holidays and i can't wait. It's about 5 weeks all up which i so so need! I'm sick of trying to put one foot in front of the other and barely getting there. I need a total recharge. Only working 3 out of 7 days so I can spend the other 4 days spoiling myself and spending the money I earn. I'm doing pretty ok at the moment, I'll have to see if i can get off the xanax completely but hey we can all use a bit of help sometimes.

Merry Christmas guys and thanks for the support over the past few weeks, this situation seems to have come and gone so quickly but there r still things i need to sort out and i appreciate everyone's help and advice

Best Wishes to all!
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Old 12-25-2007, 10:01 AM
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Originally Posted by daddyslittlegir View Post
I will keep spending time with my friends, and I won't be afraid to go out and have a good time after exams and get a bit tipsy or drunk, because I think that's ok for me, i rarely do it, Im young and I"M not the alcoholic, he is.
Hi DLG:

I found the above to be very strange. I really hate drunkenness, whether it's from an alcoholic or non-alcoholic. With your father being an alcoholic, why would you want to go out and get drunk, even if it is once in a while? That doesn't sound like "little girl" behavior to me.

Originally Posted by daddyslittlegir View Post
Im young and I"M not the alcoholic, he is.
The other comment that I would like to make is that many codependents tend to look at alcoholics as the people with the problem and not them. As a recovering codependent, I can assure you that codependents are as sick, and in some instances, maybe even sicker than many alcoholics.

The alcoholic is addicted to alcohol and the codependent in an alcoholic home is addicted to the alcoholic. Guess what? They are all addicts, so when the codependents point the finger at the alcoholics, they might as well be pointing the finger at themselves. Now, before many of the codies here want to ram my head into the turnbuckle, let me say that I am not comparing the behavior of a codie wife to a physically-abusive-alcoholic husband. I am just saying that we (the alcoholic and the codie) have all been afflicted with the disease of addiction, and we all need to work on our own sickness.

DLG, I don't know enough about you to say whether or not you are a codie, so I don't want you to think that I am passing judgment on you. And even if I knew you very well and had no doubt in my mind that you were a codie, it wouldn't do you any good if you don't see it for yourself, right?

I could tell you how sorry I am that you are going through what you are going through, but that just isn't my style as many people here well know. My telling you how sorry I am for you isn't going to do you any good, anyway. When the tsunami hit Indonesia and destroyed not only a man's business, but also his house, his wife, and all of his kids, people asked, "How could God allow this to happen?"

I don't believe that God feels sorry for us in this life, no matter what we are going through. Why would God create a tsunami, send it upon people, and then say :sorry for what you are going through? How is feeling sorry for people who are feeling sorry for themselves supposed to help them? What helped me, as a codie to get better, was when the people around me stopped feeling sorry for me. Sometimes the most caring, the most merciful thing that you can do for some people is to not have sympathy for them. Don't expect most codies to understand that, though.

As I said DLG, I don't know you well enough to say that you are a codie, so don't take what I am saying personally. If you do think that you are a codie, my suggestion to you is to get off the pity pot and give it a good flush. I hope that you found something in my post, even if it is something small, that will benefit you. I could tell you how sorry I am for what you are going through, but you have already heard that, right? I am at the point in my life where I just want the truth, whether you give it to me with compassion or not, just give me the truth. I am tired of all the BS.

Peace.

Last edited by ccirider; 12-25-2007 at 10:26 AM.
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Old 12-25-2007, 11:17 AM
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Exclamation Moderate drinking....

Hi Daddy'slittlegir,

I think you have a lot of good ideas and questions. I don't know of anyone that has been successful with drinking one or two drinks and staying there if they have abused alcohol in the past.

I was called a maintenace drinker because I could only afford so much to drink...so stayed at the six pack a night forever but did drink at the same time everyday or I would get the shakes.

I come from a long line of alcoholics in my family so do have a concern with your use of xanax and drinking.

You do have a predisposition for alcohol abuse also with genes from your father. It may not develop into alcohol abuse or alcoholism as with my Mom who was the only one that didn't drink in our family but yet had alcoholic parents.

I wish you the best of luck. My Mom gave up her life to take care of her Mom in our home as we were growing up. Her whole life revolved around taking care of Grandma when she would come home drunk...It was a sad situation for my Mom. But she chose to do it and also chose to be co-dependent with my brother who still is drinking at the age of 65.

I have been sober a long time and still take antidepressants for my Chronic Depression. When I finally got sober it was the one thing I wanted more than anything else in my life.

Your Dad has to decide this for himself. It does not matter what your Mom wants for him or you either...he is the only one that can get help and keep on getting the help he needs. Actually, when he drinks with a mental illness diagnosis...they refer to that as self-medicating. That is what I did.

Please keep coming back and read, post, or just say Hi...we all will be keeping you in our thoughts. :ghug

kelsh
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Old 12-25-2007, 11:40 AM
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The other thing about this is that I'm also an ACOA.
I grew up in a home with an alcoholic father. I learned to accept it as "normal", to use alcohol to escape reality...
I chose and married a man who was "in some ways" like my father.
Now I see my daughter doing the same thing...
it's an endless cycle. I thought I'd broken it by divorcing their dad, but not really...not for her anyway...
because ...SHE GREW UP THINKING IT WAS NORMAL!!!
and there's nothing I can do to change that.
Take care, merry christmas, hope things turn out well for you.
You know where to find us if you need to...
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Old 12-26-2007, 02:00 AM
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Thanks for the posts ccirider and everyone else, I've got some rebuttal although I am grateful you guys took the time to express concern.

First of all I'd just like to say one thing, while alcoholism is a terrible disease, that 99% of people reading this post are touched with, it is my father who has a drinking problem, NOT ME. I'm not codependant either, My therapist, psychologist who has treated me for over 4 years agrees that I'm not codependant, my mum, perhaps is a different story.

Im his daughter but we r strangers living in the same house, I don't take care of him, and he isnt close to me. What I got out of your post is knowing that I'm ok and certainly not codependant, which is nice to know.

I'm predisposed to a lot of things, I've abused alcohol in the past before I was medicated for depression and anxiety, other things too and i know I've done it, but I know that unlike a lot of people I now know how to drink responsibly and safely. I also drink for very different reasons when I do rarely drink. For example over christmas, as in the entire week. I've had two maybe three drinks. All of which were for christmas parties.

Drinking is a huge part of our culture, some people choose to drink, others don't. A lot of people on here probably don't drink because of what they have been through or witnessed. But thats just plain unfair, I'm not letting my alcoholic father dictate my life f*** that. I'm 18, in Australia it is legal for me to drink, and i love a glass of french champange, maybe two or three you know once a month or whenever an occasion comes about. I'm not a partier, I don't drink at home unless its a gin and tonic every few months, I havent been clubbing or to a bar in months! I never get a chance to go out and drink.

Furthermore, I think a lot of people on here see being drunk as vomitting, blacking out, passing out or becoming belligerent. I'm drunk when I've had a few, I get giggly, I say things I'm normally to shy to say or I get the guts to kiss someone I've been crushing on. I have fun with my friends! Safely! and i can go without alcohol, but sometimes when I go out i choose not to, I can have fun sometimes, hell I'm young why shouldnt I!

I'm not letting the fear of alcoholism or other people's dependency on the substance stop me from enjoying a normal life. Not every person who drinks is an alcoholic, and just because of how it is used does not make alcohol an evil substance. I hope people living with alcoholics (without a dependency themselves!) will not deprive themselves of a relaxing gin and tonic or a beautiful glass of french bubbly every once in a blue moon because alcohol has been labelled evil.

[B]People Can Drink in a healthy Manner!

I'm aware of my predisposition, and your concerns are probably justified and warranted, If my patterns change then I will know it's not ok anymore but I know i'm honest with myself and honest with my psychologist, I'll tell her straight up if i'm abusing something. And I'll tell you all straight up, I'm ok, but your concern is very touching, the xanax may become a problem, but when it does, I'll do something about it, just like I did with the codeine, cos i'm never gonna rely on anything but myself to make me feel good in life. I'm not feeling sorry for myself, my situation sucks sometimes, I've been through sh**, but it's made me stronger, wiser and grateful. There is always someone worse off and I know I am very lucky and blessed in many ways, I have many priveledges others don't and I'm thankful...

Emma
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