Question about Alanon (Cross Talk & Dumping)
Recovering Nicely
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Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 935
Question about Alanon (Cross Talk & Dumping)
Hi All,
I have a quick question about Alanon. I go to two or three meetings a week and I chair my Friday nite meeting. At our last two meetings, when people would share on the topic, another member of my group would tell me that they are off topic (say, in the beginning of what they were trying to say about the topic) and that I should cut them off and tell them to say it during the last 10 mins. I told her that I wanted to let them speak because they will eventually say how this relates in their mind to the topic. This person also told me that if someone nods their head as someone is sharing, that is cross talk. At meetings, I have seen people do this, and I never knew it was cross talk. We had this one woman at our meeting, when the topic was Let Go and Let God, share (and cry) about what was going on w/her husband and that is why she had a hard time letting go and letting God. The other member of my group (mentioned above) considered this "dumping" and that we are supposed to be there to share our strength, courage, faith and it's not about problems with your alcoholic. I am really not clear. Some people I believe go to Alanon having a very difficult time w/the A, are at their wits end at times, and as long as your on topic, how could that be wrong. We are a small group, so it's not like she was taking up others' time. And we go there to learn tools and ways of dealing with the alcoholic, such as boundaries, etc., how can we learn them if we are not allowed to speak about our situations? Any answers are appreciated.
I have a quick question about Alanon. I go to two or three meetings a week and I chair my Friday nite meeting. At our last two meetings, when people would share on the topic, another member of my group would tell me that they are off topic (say, in the beginning of what they were trying to say about the topic) and that I should cut them off and tell them to say it during the last 10 mins. I told her that I wanted to let them speak because they will eventually say how this relates in their mind to the topic. This person also told me that if someone nods their head as someone is sharing, that is cross talk. At meetings, I have seen people do this, and I never knew it was cross talk. We had this one woman at our meeting, when the topic was Let Go and Let God, share (and cry) about what was going on w/her husband and that is why she had a hard time letting go and letting God. The other member of my group (mentioned above) considered this "dumping" and that we are supposed to be there to share our strength, courage, faith and it's not about problems with your alcoholic. I am really not clear. Some people I believe go to Alanon having a very difficult time w/the A, are at their wits end at times, and as long as your on topic, how could that be wrong. We are a small group, so it's not like she was taking up others' time. And we go there to learn tools and ways of dealing with the alcoholic, such as boundaries, etc., how can we learn them if we are not allowed to speak about our situations? Any answers are appreciated.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: looking for the sun in cold MN
Posts: 775
In my group we talk about the steps- one per meeting. Sometimes the topic will be what is called "speakers choice." So- at each meeting after business is discussed there is a speaker that talks about either a step or their choice- it's always decided weeks in advance, and is voluntary. After the speaker presents we break out into small groups- my group is large- usually 25 or so people. In our small groups we talk about whatever we want to talk about, taking turns without cross talking. ( I think the key word here is "talking". I've never known nodding to be talking.) I have also never heard anyone come down on someone for not sticking to the topic. That seems rude. Like you said- sometimes there is such strong emotion that a person just needs to vent about their A- I don't understand why that is seen as a problem? I realize the focus should be on "us"- not the A, but why not let people talk about what they want to? It's supposed to be a safe place to get understanding- and sometimes that means feeling safe enough to vent.
Interrupting to tell a person to stay on topic seems rude too. . . It sounds to me like the person you are having a hard time with is trying to control the meeting. (How very codie! ;o) Just MHO.
Interrupting to tell a person to stay on topic seems rude too. . . It sounds to me like the person you are having a hard time with is trying to control the meeting. (How very codie! ;o) Just MHO.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: anomaly
Posts: 2,180
Okay..i hope this makesence..we're not well people. Dosen't
matter how long we've been in the program.
When i run a meeting i let people say whatever
as long as everybody gets a chance to share.
I learn for everyone..just as i do here. I read
everybody's post. some i can grasp..some I'm not ready for,
but it hits me 2 weeks later.lol
Kind of like don't shot the messenger just listen to the message.
I belive a loving GOD experess itself through poeple.
I'm not a little kid that needs permission to speak or
say whatever the hell i have to say.
i don't belive others in meetings are little kids the needs baby sitting either.
I go to meetings to get recovery not to be baby sit.
I had enough of that BS, not being able to say anything or get nit pick
living with an alki for god sake. walking on eggshells in a codi meeting too...god help me.
matter how long we've been in the program.
When i run a meeting i let people say whatever
as long as everybody gets a chance to share.
I learn for everyone..just as i do here. I read
everybody's post. some i can grasp..some I'm not ready for,
but it hits me 2 weeks later.lol
Kind of like don't shot the messenger just listen to the message.
I belive a loving GOD experess itself through poeple.
I'm not a little kid that needs permission to speak or
say whatever the hell i have to say.
i don't belive others in meetings are little kids the needs baby sitting either.
I go to meetings to get recovery not to be baby sit.
I had enough of that BS, not being able to say anything or get nit pick
living with an alki for god sake. walking on eggshells in a codi meeting too...god help me.
Last edited by SaTiT; 12-04-2007 at 09:35 AM.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
One person does not a meeting make. Take a group conscience and define cross-talk and how the meeting will be run.
My favorite meeting suggests sharing on the topic, but if you are in crisis you are welcome to discuss whatever you like as long as it's Al Anon related.
My favorite meeting suggests sharing on the topic, but if you are in crisis you are welcome to discuss whatever you like as long as it's Al Anon related.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Somewhere out there
Posts: 156
I agree with SaTiT! We are not well people! Some are sicker than others too. Live and let live. I think there is room for interpretation of the topic. Sometimes people just really need to say what they need to say depsite the topic. When I lead a meeting, AA or Al Anon--I consider myself in the drivers seat--being mindful of the meeting rules. I don't at all agree with the nodding=cross talk...sometimes when sharing something that may be really uncomfortable for whatever reason....if someone nods that indicates to me that I am not the only one...and someone else has been through or felt what I am going through and trying to convey to the group. Live and let live! For some people just showing up is almost too much...I think the more comfortable they can be in a meeting...the better.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
IMHO: Nodding your head is not cross-talk. It sounds like you have a controlling al-anon maniac in your group and if it were me i would not be influenced by her.
We are all beginners at some point. Most of us at the beginning have a need to share our situation. It is through acceptance that we keep coming back.
When we keep coming back, we see + hear recovery in others which can move us to want what they have. If what they have is criticism, control and rigidity, it doesn't make for this "small" group to grow. My group has a leader ea. week who shares for 10 min. This person then picks a "suggested" topic of their choice but ea. participant can share on what they want. The leader starts by saying "after I share is someone is hurting and needs to share they can go 1st after I share." Those of us who have worked the steps know that it is all about carrying the message to newcomers who are hurting.
Every so often if someone thinks we need it we do take a group conscious to determine how something might be done.
I have gone to a couple of diff. mtgs. where all they do is read from a book and reflect on what they read. eventually over time they reread the same thing over + over. I didn't get much from those mtgs.
When people are free to be and able to go deep with their feelings, I listen, I learn.
We are all beginners at some point. Most of us at the beginning have a need to share our situation. It is through acceptance that we keep coming back.
When we keep coming back, we see + hear recovery in others which can move us to want what they have. If what they have is criticism, control and rigidity, it doesn't make for this "small" group to grow. My group has a leader ea. week who shares for 10 min. This person then picks a "suggested" topic of their choice but ea. participant can share on what they want. The leader starts by saying "after I share is someone is hurting and needs to share they can go 1st after I share." Those of us who have worked the steps know that it is all about carrying the message to newcomers who are hurting.
Every so often if someone thinks we need it we do take a group conscious to determine how something might be done.
I have gone to a couple of diff. mtgs. where all they do is read from a book and reflect on what they read. eventually over time they reread the same thing over + over. I didn't get much from those mtgs.
When people are free to be and able to go deep with their feelings, I listen, I learn.
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Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
Originally Posted by denny57 
One person does not a meeting make. Take a group conscience and define cross-talk and how the meeting will be run.
My favorite meeting suggests sharing on the topic, but if you are in crisis you are welcome to discuss whatever you like as long as it's Al Anon related.
My favorite meeting suggests sharing on the topic, but if you are in crisis you are welcome to discuss whatever you like as long as it's Al Anon related.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Kansas City
Posts: 151
If nodding is considered cross-talking, then I've been cross-talking for 17 years. Apparently this is allowed in Kansas City, as no one has ever pulled me aside to correct me. 
Newcomers often cross-talk simply because they aren't aware of how meetings go, and figure it's like group therapy. Usually someone will pull them aside after the meeting to gently explain, especially if they didn't get that piece of information during their newcomer's meetings (usually the first 2-3 meetings).
Otherwise, if the topic is Step 6 or "Control" or Tradition 9 or whatever - we try to speak about what our Experience, Strength, and Hope is on the topic at hand. If I can't find anything to say about the topic, then I say what I need to say - being mindful to keep the focus on myself and not on the A.
Newcomers often cross-talk simply because they aren't aware of how meetings go, and figure it's like group therapy. Usually someone will pull them aside after the meeting to gently explain, especially if they didn't get that piece of information during their newcomer's meetings (usually the first 2-3 meetings).
Otherwise, if the topic is Step 6 or "Control" or Tradition 9 or whatever - we try to speak about what our Experience, Strength, and Hope is on the topic at hand. If I can't find anything to say about the topic, then I say what I need to say - being mindful to keep the focus on myself and not on the A.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: WA Rainforest
Posts: 209
You've got a controller on your hands. We all know how easy it is for codies to be controllers.
I'm sorry, but nodding is NOT cross talk. Nope.
Strength, courage and faith only??? huh. No, we got Problems, lady, and we need to be able to talk about our Problems. some people don't have any of that other stuff yet, just the problems. Who is this person, to decide what's appropriate for others to share?? No it's not good to focus on your problems with your A, but if that's what's driving you at that moment, then whatever, that's how we do things here anyway. Someone with more recovery will share later on about how it's important to focus on yourself and detach from the A and the drama, and that's how newbies learn to move away from focusing on their Problems. Not by direct confrontation, but by hearing others putting forth another way to look at things, and modeling detachment and serenity.
I was chairing once when someone tried to tell me how to run the meeting. I offered her the opportunity to chair. When she said no, then I said OK then we'll do it this way. She is something of a controller too. I don't like controllers. When I chair, I do it my way. Someone doesn't like it, they're free to chair themselves. We don't have assigned chairpersons in this group. It does get kinda anarchic, but I like it that way. Someone always steps up, and different people have different styles. Rigid people don't like that, but flexibility is a good thing to learn for codies.
Ditto SaTIT - we are not well people! different group members will be at different stages of recovery.
I'm sorry, but nodding is NOT cross talk. Nope.
Strength, courage and faith only??? huh. No, we got Problems, lady, and we need to be able to talk about our Problems. some people don't have any of that other stuff yet, just the problems. Who is this person, to decide what's appropriate for others to share?? No it's not good to focus on your problems with your A, but if that's what's driving you at that moment, then whatever, that's how we do things here anyway. Someone with more recovery will share later on about how it's important to focus on yourself and detach from the A and the drama, and that's how newbies learn to move away from focusing on their Problems. Not by direct confrontation, but by hearing others putting forth another way to look at things, and modeling detachment and serenity.
I was chairing once when someone tried to tell me how to run the meeting. I offered her the opportunity to chair. When she said no, then I said OK then we'll do it this way. She is something of a controller too. I don't like controllers. When I chair, I do it my way. Someone doesn't like it, they're free to chair themselves. We don't have assigned chairpersons in this group. It does get kinda anarchic, but I like it that way. Someone always steps up, and different people have different styles. Rigid people don't like that, but flexibility is a good thing to learn for codies.
Ditto SaTIT - we are not well people! different group members will be at different stages of recovery.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
maybe i'm dense, but i have never, ever understood the cross talk issue.
this is how we run our meeting.
we have a very small group, btw.
first we say the serenity prayer, then we read the steps and traditions.
then we read the days passage in the odaat, and courage to change books.
after we read a passage, we go around the table, and if we so choose, we relate what we have learned or hope to learn, or are working on what we have read in the passage.......we refrain from talking about the alcoholics inour lives. except when we have a newbie,....they often come in a shambles and will tend to really vent and cry about the events in their lives. we gently steer them towards readings inour books that pertain to what they have shared.
then we announce new business.
then we adjourn and say the lords prayer.
if all that is cross talk, i guess we are guilty of it, but it's the only kind of meetings i've ever been to, so it's normal for me.
one thing for sure, we don't share horror stories or dwell on the activies of the alcoholic. we focus on ourselves and how we react, on our self esteem, on learning about ourselves. we have a lovely group, i think.
of course, like i stated, the new ones that come in are in total shock and shambles, and they will go into technicolor explanations of the alcoholics behaviors and activities.....just like i did in the beginning.....but after a while of venting, we show them love and support and assure them they are not alone any longer.
are other meetings like this? is this how they are supposed to be? i live in a very small community, and this is the only kind of meetings i have attended.
this is how we run our meeting.
we have a very small group, btw.
first we say the serenity prayer, then we read the steps and traditions.
then we read the days passage in the odaat, and courage to change books.
after we read a passage, we go around the table, and if we so choose, we relate what we have learned or hope to learn, or are working on what we have read in the passage.......we refrain from talking about the alcoholics inour lives. except when we have a newbie,....they often come in a shambles and will tend to really vent and cry about the events in their lives. we gently steer them towards readings inour books that pertain to what they have shared.
then we announce new business.
then we adjourn and say the lords prayer.
if all that is cross talk, i guess we are guilty of it, but it's the only kind of meetings i've ever been to, so it's normal for me.
one thing for sure, we don't share horror stories or dwell on the activies of the alcoholic. we focus on ourselves and how we react, on our self esteem, on learning about ourselves. we have a lovely group, i think.
of course, like i stated, the new ones that come in are in total shock and shambles, and they will go into technicolor explanations of the alcoholics behaviors and activities.....just like i did in the beginning.....but after a while of venting, we show them love and support and assure them they are not alone any longer.
are other meetings like this? is this how they are supposed to be? i live in a very small community, and this is the only kind of meetings i have attended.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Minneapolis, Mn. Minnesota Alligator Controll
Posts: 286
No one walks into a meeting the 1st time & knows what is going on in them, all they have is experiance. I would say a newcomer is any one with less than a year of recovery. then in the 2nd 3rd & 4th yr we learn about strength. after applying strength to our lifes, we learn about hope.
If indeed a person in the group has a objection with a newcomer, after a half dozen meetings, this person should offer sponsership.
we all were newcomers at one time, and learned from concerned persons.
this program is about shareing & careing. not nit picking, not back stabbing.
we listen and learn from the newbie, then we share our similar story, ie, strength, and hope, that we both or all learn from it.
WALK A MILE IN THEIR SHOES, THEN HELP THEM HEAL THEIR BLISSTERS
GOOD STUFF; QUEENTEREE
If indeed a person in the group has a objection with a newcomer, after a half dozen meetings, this person should offer sponsership.
we all were newcomers at one time, and learned from concerned persons.
this program is about shareing & careing. not nit picking, not back stabbing.
we listen and learn from the newbie, then we share our similar story, ie, strength, and hope, that we both or all learn from it.
WALK A MILE IN THEIR SHOES, THEN HELP THEM HEAL THEIR BLISSTERS
GOOD STUFF; QUEENTEREE
Last edited by geees poncho; 12-06-2007 at 04:38 AM. Reason: ADD COMMENT
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Originally Posted by embraced2000
...are other meetings like this? is this how they are supposed to be? ....
I've been to ... lesee.... _two_ meets that were dominated by one control freak who ran the meeting her way, the traditions be *****. Haven't been back to those so I dunno how they're doing.
Mike
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