The Blame Game - Need your opinions please
Recovering Nicely
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 935
The Blame Game - Need your opinions please
Hi All,
I was doing really well detaching and not having dialogue w/my AH. But day after day after day wears you down really bad sometimes. AH has been drinking since Thanksgiving (he went away for 4 days and when he came home, I know he's been drinking "under the radar" - could tell by the attitude change). I have been hearing all week, every night, about how I am going to make him lose his job (because of my family court order where the alcohol program is involved and he is supposed to comply and submit to random urine tests and whatever treatement they deem necessary after evaluation), no matter what, I shouldn't have done this, quack quack quack, but anyway, Friday night, he's in the kitchen (a common area) and says "make it go away" I said "absolutely not" and further told him that the reason I have this order is not to deal with him so he is to finish what he's doing and go to his room upstairs. Saturday I go Xmas shopping to stay away from my house. Of course, when I get home, he seems "under the influence" (can tell by the attitude change). He's up and down to the bathroom, in the kitchen, all those common areas that he will stay in just to bug me. Again, he can't believe that I won't drop this order, this could be settled among us, etc. Again, "go up to your room". Sunday, I go Xmas shopping in the am, come home around 2:30 p.m. and my side door is wide open when AH wasn't even home. I was a little nervous (a robber could have been inside), checked it out, then I took my shower and was about to head out to my Goddaughter's birthday party when AH comes home. I told him that the door was left wide open. He starts saying "you're crazy, your just looking for something to get me on to get me out of the house, like you did with your order." I told him that I'm not doing anything to get him out of the house, he's doing it himself. Then he tells me my son was there today and said that I was crazy for all I'm doing to him too. I told him that one more start of a dialogue and I was calling the police, that this is getting ridiculous. He went upstairs. Later on that night, when I got home, in front of our house for garbarge is an empty Bud 36 pack - just to throw it in my face that no one can stop him from drinking. Then he says to me (of course, can't stay upstairs as requested), "drop the order and I'll leave", I said "no, you leave and I won't drop the order but I'll tell the judge to let you drink yourself to death." Then he proceeds to say how all his friends agree that I am a b**ch that he has to live like this , living in fear every day that he could be thrown in jail, etc., and they all said he could live w/them. I told him to go. Then he tells me to find a divorce lawyer cause he's divorcing me, on and on, so finally I say to him that I think he is under the influence of something, he better go upstairs or I'm calling the police, and that if he dares even drinks tomorrow and he comes home and I even think he's intoxicated, I am calling the police. I know he is grasping at straws real bad to protect his alcohol consumption, but I can't tolerate this. My sons both think that he should be able to drink or be drunk in his own home and that I should give AH warnings before calling the police. If I don't, they think I am out to cause trouble for him (AH apologized to them for everything two weeks ago, and they forgive him). Am I wrong if my order says he can't be intoxicated in our house and I call the police? The thing is I really wish my higher power had taken care of this on his own, I wish he had gotten a DWI, etc., cause really right now, this whole order thing and alcohol program is by my hand, so all the blame lies w/me. In my heart, I know I'm doing the right thing by me, but I'm so tired of everyone (sons, his family and friends) blaming me. I know Alanon teaches us to do what we feel is right, but I'm having a hard time with all this blaming stuff. What good is having this order if I am not using it. I hadn't called yet cause I wasn't exactly sure if he was under the influence, or if intoxication (the wording in my order) is different from "under the influence" if and when I call the police. Thanks for your insights.
I was doing really well detaching and not having dialogue w/my AH. But day after day after day wears you down really bad sometimes. AH has been drinking since Thanksgiving (he went away for 4 days and when he came home, I know he's been drinking "under the radar" - could tell by the attitude change). I have been hearing all week, every night, about how I am going to make him lose his job (because of my family court order where the alcohol program is involved and he is supposed to comply and submit to random urine tests and whatever treatement they deem necessary after evaluation), no matter what, I shouldn't have done this, quack quack quack, but anyway, Friday night, he's in the kitchen (a common area) and says "make it go away" I said "absolutely not" and further told him that the reason I have this order is not to deal with him so he is to finish what he's doing and go to his room upstairs. Saturday I go Xmas shopping to stay away from my house. Of course, when I get home, he seems "under the influence" (can tell by the attitude change). He's up and down to the bathroom, in the kitchen, all those common areas that he will stay in just to bug me. Again, he can't believe that I won't drop this order, this could be settled among us, etc. Again, "go up to your room". Sunday, I go Xmas shopping in the am, come home around 2:30 p.m. and my side door is wide open when AH wasn't even home. I was a little nervous (a robber could have been inside), checked it out, then I took my shower and was about to head out to my Goddaughter's birthday party when AH comes home. I told him that the door was left wide open. He starts saying "you're crazy, your just looking for something to get me on to get me out of the house, like you did with your order." I told him that I'm not doing anything to get him out of the house, he's doing it himself. Then he tells me my son was there today and said that I was crazy for all I'm doing to him too. I told him that one more start of a dialogue and I was calling the police, that this is getting ridiculous. He went upstairs. Later on that night, when I got home, in front of our house for garbarge is an empty Bud 36 pack - just to throw it in my face that no one can stop him from drinking. Then he says to me (of course, can't stay upstairs as requested), "drop the order and I'll leave", I said "no, you leave and I won't drop the order but I'll tell the judge to let you drink yourself to death." Then he proceeds to say how all his friends agree that I am a b**ch that he has to live like this , living in fear every day that he could be thrown in jail, etc., and they all said he could live w/them. I told him to go. Then he tells me to find a divorce lawyer cause he's divorcing me, on and on, so finally I say to him that I think he is under the influence of something, he better go upstairs or I'm calling the police, and that if he dares even drinks tomorrow and he comes home and I even think he's intoxicated, I am calling the police. I know he is grasping at straws real bad to protect his alcohol consumption, but I can't tolerate this. My sons both think that he should be able to drink or be drunk in his own home and that I should give AH warnings before calling the police. If I don't, they think I am out to cause trouble for him (AH apologized to them for everything two weeks ago, and they forgive him). Am I wrong if my order says he can't be intoxicated in our house and I call the police? The thing is I really wish my higher power had taken care of this on his own, I wish he had gotten a DWI, etc., cause really right now, this whole order thing and alcohol program is by my hand, so all the blame lies w/me. In my heart, I know I'm doing the right thing by me, but I'm so tired of everyone (sons, his family and friends) blaming me. I know Alanon teaches us to do what we feel is right, but I'm having a hard time with all this blaming stuff. What good is having this order if I am not using it. I hadn't called yet cause I wasn't exactly sure if he was under the influence, or if intoxication (the wording in my order) is different from "under the influence" if and when I call the police. Thanks for your insights.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
What good is having this order if I am not using it.
As for all the blame, its BS and you know it. He is responsible for his actions and behaviors and for the consequences of those actions and behaviors. If others do not understand, don't discuss it with them. No blame rests with you unless you have somehow gained God-like powers over your AH.
Recovering Nicely
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 935
Barbara, Thank you so much. That's exactly what I thought and felt, but when family starts making it sound like I'm wrong, I guess I'm not that far along in my recovery to not doubt myself. I just wish the onus wasn't on me, I wish it had been something else.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by queenteree 
I just wish the onus wasn't on me, I wish it had been something else.
L
Leap of Faith Survivor
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
God Bless you Queenteree for having so much courage in the midst of such a difficult situation!it is so hard in this spot not to second guess yourself when you are under attack from the very people you love. You were right to make the order and you are right to enforce it. my prayers are with you .stay strong......
grateful2b
grateful2b
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: anomaly
Posts: 2,180
it's call reinforcing your guilt/shame trip.
it part of the codi/alki dance cycle. The next stage is enabling on your part
and love stravation on the alki part.
You're starting to second guess yourself, your values, selfworth.
Once the guilt starts to set in..gernerally after a short period of
closenest (your hook). The alki gose on a run..unmanability is starting
to so. A combination of deversion and blame to keep the focus off of
the alki. Plus re-inforce with love stravations. The codi then gose into
enabling and trying to keep everything together from guilt. Even your anger
and fustrsations will be use against you...more blame more guilt.
then back to brift moments of closest again to keep the cycle going.
Generally the alki will try to straigten up or bascailly crash from a run
or even stay sober for a while. This gives the codi a sense of hope...
maybe..maybe just maybe it'll be deifferent this time. (false hope)
then bam...you're bewilder again. You start blaming yourself even more
becuase you should have left the last time. A sense of guilt sets in
and re -inforce more with blame again...it get progressive as every
reverlusion of the is made. A cycle can occure within a week to
years.
yes..your gut becuase your head is spining and your heart feel like
it's going to explode.
it part of the codi/alki dance cycle. The next stage is enabling on your part
and love stravation on the alki part.
You're starting to second guess yourself, your values, selfworth.
Once the guilt starts to set in..gernerally after a short period of
closenest (your hook). The alki gose on a run..unmanability is starting
to so. A combination of deversion and blame to keep the focus off of
the alki. Plus re-inforce with love stravations. The codi then gose into
enabling and trying to keep everything together from guilt. Even your anger
and fustrsations will be use against you...more blame more guilt.
then back to brift moments of closest again to keep the cycle going.
Generally the alki will try to straigten up or bascailly crash from a run
or even stay sober for a while. This gives the codi a sense of hope...
maybe..maybe just maybe it'll be deifferent this time. (false hope)
then bam...you're bewilder again. You start blaming yourself even more
becuase you should have left the last time. A sense of guilt sets in
and re -inforce more with blame again...it get progressive as every
reverlusion of the is made. A cycle can occure within a week to
years.
yes..your gut becuase your head is spining and your heart feel like
it's going to explode.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by queenteree
The thing is I really wish my higher power had taken care of this on his own, I wish he had gotten a DWI, etc.,
Detaching isn't not speaking to someone, it's removing myself from someone else's choices.
If I don't want to hear other people blaming me, I don't share or discuss with them what is going on. I have learned who I can share with and who I can't. ALL the choices lie with me.
Recovering Nicely
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 935
Satit - you are so right, we've done that alki/codie dance for years, and it was exactly the way you described it to be. But now I could care less if he love starves me. I don't want love from him, I don't want him to be sober, I didn't do any of this order stuff for him, I did it for me, so I could get some peace, but now he keeps blaming me about it, and I still don't have peace. And even tonite, he has an appointment w/the alcohol program people to be urine tested and further evaluations, when gets home from that, he's gonna blame, blame, blame, and if he isn't drinking or drunk, I can't just call the police on him for blaming me. That's not against the law. I am just so tired right now, so very tired, it seems never ending and I'm getting discouraged. I just wish it would end - TONITE!!!! However way HP sees it, just end it!!!
Denny - thanks for your post - I didn't discuss it w/these people, AH did, and he told me what they said (they also told me when I first got the order). I was very matter of fact w/them and haven't spoken to them since. I guess it just bugs me that they think that I'm this horrible person. But I really should remember my own quote "he'll sink his own ship eventually" with them (those really are my famous words for everyone like him). It's just hard right now cause like I said, the holidays are here and I'm tired of all this. Emotionally drained.
Denny - thanks for your post - I didn't discuss it w/these people, AH did, and he told me what they said (they also told me when I first got the order). I was very matter of fact w/them and haven't spoken to them since. I guess it just bugs me that they think that I'm this horrible person. But I really should remember my own quote "he'll sink his own ship eventually" with them (those really are my famous words for everyone like him). It's just hard right now cause like I said, the holidays are here and I'm tired of all this. Emotionally drained.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
I agree with Denny ... why bother to engage in the conversations. As a doctor once told me, "Alcoholics: they'll get you comin' or goin' IF YOU LET THEM." To heck with him. My AH told me to go f*** off a couple weeks ago when he was "acting out." I just laughed him off and said, "nice mouth."
I own my serenity. Nobody, and I do mean NOBODY, is taking what I rightfully own from me. I don't cold shoulder AH, but I go about my business and tend my side of the street. My HP, whom I call "God," takes up a lot more of my interest and time - as do friends I've made at my church - than some sad drunk who is clueless. It took me three years of fighting it out in my mind, but by the grace of God I have finally been able to detach with love.
You're doing fine. Keep detaching, see your AH as a sick person, and keep working at not letting him unsettle you.
I own my serenity. Nobody, and I do mean NOBODY, is taking what I rightfully own from me. I don't cold shoulder AH, but I go about my business and tend my side of the street. My HP, whom I call "God," takes up a lot more of my interest and time - as do friends I've made at my church - than some sad drunk who is clueless. It took me three years of fighting it out in my mind, but by the grace of God I have finally been able to detach with love.
You're doing fine. Keep detaching, see your AH as a sick person, and keep working at not letting him unsettle you.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
My doctor said, "you can't help an idiot." When you choose to start a dialog with a raging alcoholic, Queen, then you're responsible for the chaos it creates in your life. My advice to you would be:
Choose serenity.
Choose serenity.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
QT - good support above. I just thought of something....so he apologized to your sons....aren't they the same one's who didn't want to come to your house because of his behavior? I'm NOT saying they're wrong to forgive him...a child usually doesn't want to be at odds with their parent and A's are very manipulative.
But they are not living with him day in/out and going through what you are. Has either one of them offered to let him stay with them? (don't remember if they live close). I'm sure they are struggling with this situation and are probably hearing a lot of bs from A. I hate that you are being blamed, but remember...these people are only being manipulated by AH and they can't possibly understand what you are going through. Remember how long YOU were manipulated by him and be grateful that you are getting past that.
I agree with the others...call the cops. Don't worry about the wording of "under the influence" or "intoxicated"....he's not supposed to be drinking..period.
You've been doing really good and I hope you are able to call the cops the next time he drinks. You have already given him plenty of warning and you deserve some peace!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
But they are not living with him day in/out and going through what you are. Has either one of them offered to let him stay with them? (don't remember if they live close). I'm sure they are struggling with this situation and are probably hearing a lot of bs from A. I hate that you are being blamed, but remember...these people are only being manipulated by AH and they can't possibly understand what you are going through. Remember how long YOU were manipulated by him and be grateful that you are getting past that.
I agree with the others...call the cops. Don't worry about the wording of "under the influence" or "intoxicated"....he's not supposed to be drinking..period.
You've been doing really good and I hope you are able to call the cops the next time he drinks. You have already given him plenty of warning and you deserve some peace!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Omak WA
Posts: 1,049
Hi QueenTree,
I had several restraining orders on my husband and he broke all of them. The Sheriff's Office told me they couldn't activate the order unless they were there seeing him break the order. :caveman
He would go into the house when I was at work & daughter at school. He would drive through the neighborhood during the night and even looked in my garbage can several times as reported by my neighbors.
He would drive drunk and come looking for me at the bars when I would be home.
I went to group therapy on Thursday evenings so he would call & harass my sitter for my daughter.
It went on and on and no one believed me. I even went to his probation officer with a list of all he was doing to mess with my head...and he didn't believe that my husband was doing all of that. I felt like the criminal myself.
So if there are certain rules set up with the Restraining Order and he is there drinking or drunk you are entitled to call the police for your safety.
kelsh
I had several restraining orders on my husband and he broke all of them. The Sheriff's Office told me they couldn't activate the order unless they were there seeing him break the order. :caveman
He would go into the house when I was at work & daughter at school. He would drive through the neighborhood during the night and even looked in my garbage can several times as reported by my neighbors.
He would drive drunk and come looking for me at the bars when I would be home.
I went to group therapy on Thursday evenings so he would call & harass my sitter for my daughter.
It went on and on and no one believed me. I even went to his probation officer with a list of all he was doing to mess with my head...and he didn't believe that my husband was doing all of that. I felt like the criminal myself.
So if there are certain rules set up with the Restraining Order and he is there drinking or drunk you are entitled to call the police for your safety.
kelsh
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Des Plaines,IL
Posts: 187
Hi QT:
You have gotten some good advice here. As the disease progresses, the addict regresses emotionally. His behavior becomes more and more childlike and immature. If you allow yourself to get sucked into his drama, then you are going to regress emotionally, just like he is regressing. As you know, that is what codependency is all about.
You are feeling bad because he is blaming you. You are feeling bad because others now think bad of you. Denny is right. Why have the conversation with him when you know where the conversation is going to lead to before it even starts? Detach yourself from his craziness. I wouldn't be getting into any discussions with him, and I wouldn't be sending him to his bedroom like he is a little boy. He is sucking you into his insanity and then you wind up looking like the bad guy instead of him. He is the addict and he is the one who is to blame for this mess.
Peace.
You have gotten some good advice here. As the disease progresses, the addict regresses emotionally. His behavior becomes more and more childlike and immature. If you allow yourself to get sucked into his drama, then you are going to regress emotionally, just like he is regressing. As you know, that is what codependency is all about.
You are feeling bad because he is blaming you. You are feeling bad because others now think bad of you. Denny is right. Why have the conversation with him when you know where the conversation is going to lead to before it even starts? Detach yourself from his craziness. I wouldn't be getting into any discussions with him, and I wouldn't be sending him to his bedroom like he is a little boy. He is sucking you into his insanity and then you wind up looking like the bad guy instead of him. He is the addict and he is the one who is to blame for this mess.
Peace.
Recovering Nicely
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 935
I decided on the way home last night, knowing he had the apptment w/the evaluator for his alcoholism, that I would not be going home for the night. I decided it was in my best interest and sanity to stay at my daughter's. I went home this morning after he already left to get his court ordered urine test to shower and change. I was at first getting sick to my stomach on what I would be walking into (ie., him packing his stuff and boxes spead all over the house, nasty note, etc.) but he didn't do any of that, which means boy oh boy, something big is gonna happen for him to get to me! I was a little depressed last night and starting to doubt my HP (still am a little), but at least I had a peaceful night. I'm thinking he's going to send flowers or something today with a huge balloon saying "GOODBYE" on it (he did that once before). He like to do that so that all my co-workers will be up in my business. But then I'm thinking, I'll fax over a thank you note to him at his job thanking him for leaving me and that one day I hope he finds sobriety instead of being drunk every day at work (and then all his co-workers will see!). No, I really couldn't do that, I'll keep my side of the street clean.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: anomaly
Posts: 2,180
No matter what happens be good to yourself.
Do give yourself a break everyonce in a while
from thinking about him and this entire mess.
It okay to cry too. It hurts even so.
Maybe you can stay a couple more nights with your
family until the roller coasters settle a little bit.
sure..if you need closure
Do be careful with the fax, e-mail, phone, tag.
No matter what..be gentle with yourself and love yourself
through all of this.
Do give yourself a break everyonce in a while
from thinking about him and this entire mess.
It okay to cry too. It hurts even so.
Maybe you can stay a couple more nights with your
family until the roller coasters settle a little bit.
sure..if you need closure
Do be careful with the fax, e-mail, phone, tag.
No matter what..be gentle with yourself and love yourself
through all of this.
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