New here... Husband and alcohol problems.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Maryland
Posts: 4
New here... Husband and alcohol problems.
Hi there,
I am new to this board, but I think this is the right place to be to get some insight, support, and information.
Background: I am a 28 yo female, married to a 31 yo male with an apparent drinking problem. We have been married one year, but together on and off since high school. (LONG time). His dad is an alcoholic, but denies it. Husband has always had an addictive personality (other drugs previously, smoking, eating poorly, and now alcohol). Husband has anxiety and depression and is on Zoloft. We recently began couples/individual counseling in May. This drinking thing has been a long and winding road with times where I feel I am overreacting, to most recently, me knowing that he IS an alcoholic.
Before we lived together, he got drunk every night with his roommate. When we moved in together 2 years ago, he got drunk on the weekends and had a few beers some weeknights. I didn't love it, but it was "controlled" and did not seem more than most guys his age. The problem became how he acted when he drank—he could not stop once starting, got cocky and became a jerk, often became emotional (angry or depressed), and would become appallingly sloppy and pass out. We fought enough about it and he no longer was able to drink liquor around me (he always became worse somehow with liquor) and promised to not get drunk around me at all. He did fairly well with drinking moderately (like 4 beers or so), but I was still wary about how often he drank and how he had been with alcohol. It bothered me that he sometimes came home with a 6 pack to cope with his anxiety or depression, and I kept encouraging him to go to psychiatry to increase his Zoloft. We see a therapist about once a month and things had been improving with the drinking (although there are other areas that have been a source of tension...)
Well, things took a 180 for over Thanksgiving. We went upstate to visit some of my extended family. My husband had a few beers and wine at dinner (didn’t worry too much at this point). Then he started making mixed drinks and eventually drank half of a handle of whiskey. He became his cocky drunk self, which annoyed me and slightly embarrassed me, and then fell asleep/ passed out with his drink in his hand, drooling and snoring, in the family room as we all watched TV and I tried to act like he was silly drunk/tired. I barely was able to awake him and send him upstairs to bed. I went upstairs myself to go to bed and heard snoring from the bathroom. I knocked and when he did not answer had to get my aunt to unlock the door with a key. He was passed out on the bathroom floor and refused to get up. I gave up and left him there, but 20 minutes later, my family members needed to get in and we had to unlock the door again. This time, when I unlocked the door, he was standing there, glaring at me and began yelling at me, saying, “That is it! It is OVER!” I ignored him and got the stuff for my cfamily members. He eventually came in the bedroom and yelled that he was leaving and I could come or get a ride home (3 hours away from where we live). I ignored him. He left the room and came back later. Yelling again how he loved me but could not “do this” anymore and that it was over. I ignored him and he finally fell asleep and I could not fall asleep till 5 am thinking of how our marriage was now over... The next day, he says he does not remember any of it and is sorry. (apparently a blackout??). He had NEVER been like this before-- NEVER blacked out before! He apologizes to my family and admits to his drinking problem. I am irate. I gave him an ultimatum—me or the alcohol. Not one drop. He agrees. And so we begin his alcohol recovery… I hope.
We went to our therapist tonight and I am both hopeful but wary and scared. I WANT to work through this and support him to get better. But I know that it is a LONG and daunting road. I know that he will likely relapse at some point, but I HAD to give an ultimatum. It has never been that bad and I can not have it like that again. I will not.
That is some of our story for now. Just wanted to see if anyone can relate and I guess need some encouragement that it can improve or a reality check that it won't if that is the case...
Thank you.
I am new to this board, but I think this is the right place to be to get some insight, support, and information.
Background: I am a 28 yo female, married to a 31 yo male with an apparent drinking problem. We have been married one year, but together on and off since high school. (LONG time). His dad is an alcoholic, but denies it. Husband has always had an addictive personality (other drugs previously, smoking, eating poorly, and now alcohol). Husband has anxiety and depression and is on Zoloft. We recently began couples/individual counseling in May. This drinking thing has been a long and winding road with times where I feel I am overreacting, to most recently, me knowing that he IS an alcoholic.
Before we lived together, he got drunk every night with his roommate. When we moved in together 2 years ago, he got drunk on the weekends and had a few beers some weeknights. I didn't love it, but it was "controlled" and did not seem more than most guys his age. The problem became how he acted when he drank—he could not stop once starting, got cocky and became a jerk, often became emotional (angry or depressed), and would become appallingly sloppy and pass out. We fought enough about it and he no longer was able to drink liquor around me (he always became worse somehow with liquor) and promised to not get drunk around me at all. He did fairly well with drinking moderately (like 4 beers or so), but I was still wary about how often he drank and how he had been with alcohol. It bothered me that he sometimes came home with a 6 pack to cope with his anxiety or depression, and I kept encouraging him to go to psychiatry to increase his Zoloft. We see a therapist about once a month and things had been improving with the drinking (although there are other areas that have been a source of tension...)
Well, things took a 180 for over Thanksgiving. We went upstate to visit some of my extended family. My husband had a few beers and wine at dinner (didn’t worry too much at this point). Then he started making mixed drinks and eventually drank half of a handle of whiskey. He became his cocky drunk self, which annoyed me and slightly embarrassed me, and then fell asleep/ passed out with his drink in his hand, drooling and snoring, in the family room as we all watched TV and I tried to act like he was silly drunk/tired. I barely was able to awake him and send him upstairs to bed. I went upstairs myself to go to bed and heard snoring from the bathroom. I knocked and when he did not answer had to get my aunt to unlock the door with a key. He was passed out on the bathroom floor and refused to get up. I gave up and left him there, but 20 minutes later, my family members needed to get in and we had to unlock the door again. This time, when I unlocked the door, he was standing there, glaring at me and began yelling at me, saying, “That is it! It is OVER!” I ignored him and got the stuff for my cfamily members. He eventually came in the bedroom and yelled that he was leaving and I could come or get a ride home (3 hours away from where we live). I ignored him. He left the room and came back later. Yelling again how he loved me but could not “do this” anymore and that it was over. I ignored him and he finally fell asleep and I could not fall asleep till 5 am thinking of how our marriage was now over... The next day, he says he does not remember any of it and is sorry. (apparently a blackout??). He had NEVER been like this before-- NEVER blacked out before! He apologizes to my family and admits to his drinking problem. I am irate. I gave him an ultimatum—me or the alcohol. Not one drop. He agrees. And so we begin his alcohol recovery… I hope.
We went to our therapist tonight and I am both hopeful but wary and scared. I WANT to work through this and support him to get better. But I know that it is a LONG and daunting road. I know that he will likely relapse at some point, but I HAD to give an ultimatum. It has never been that bad and I can not have it like that again. I will not.
That is some of our story for now. Just wanted to see if anyone can relate and I guess need some encouragement that it can improve or a reality check that it won't if that is the case...
Thank you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Calgary, Alberta
Posts: 24
Wow. I'm so sorry that you are going through this. Can I relate? TOTALLY!!
You sound like me just a few short months ago. My husband and I have been married 3 years, but have been together for 10. And we are very similar in age to you and yours. I was only minorly concerned at first about the drinking and was starting to realize that we had some other issues in our marriage. Slowly the drinking got worse. I would talk to him about it, he would promise to 'cut down'. Shortly we would be back at the same place, him drinking anywhere from 6-12 beer EVERY night. And then I made the ultimatum. The same one you've made. He didn't follow it - he drank. Always had a good excuse for it. And I shared the excuses. While it upset me, I could sort of really understand why he had to drink. And then I'd have to make the ultimatum again. And again. And again. Until finally I followed through with my side of the ultimatum. I left.
I've been gone for 6 weeks now. It was the hardest thing I've every done, but what 'they' say is true - time is a great healer...it gets easier with time. I really truly beleived it would NEVER get better. I thought I would feel the pain and the guilt FOREVER. But it's been getting easier and easier. And with the distance from him I realize what a true text book alcoholic he really is. Still functioning at this point, but I'm sure that will end one day. He still won't actually do anything about the drinking. In fact, I think he's probably happy that he doesn't have to hide his drinking anymore.
He's of course making it awfully difficult for me to move forward, and doing everything he can to stall the selling of the house while trying his hardest to make me feel guilty...
but he's still drinking.
And now I KNOW I did the right thing. From sticking around these forums enough and reading all the stories I don't doubt for a second I did the right thing. He will never choose me over the alcohol. Life without me is not his rock bottom. And I don't intend to be around and have a family and children with a man who is ultimately going to end up spiralling out of control.
I'm sorry this is so long.
But yes, I can relate. I can relate VERY much. I know just what you are thinking and feeling.
You are young, as am I, young enough that you still have time to rebuild a life without alcoholism in it. Rebuild your life with yourself - learn to love yourself again. And then one day rebuild your life with a man who is not an alcoholic. With a man who will choose you over the booze every time. With a man where it's not even a question. That is my plan. It's a long rough road to get there. But I'm on the road and I'm pedalling as hard as I can.
Feel free to PM me if you want to talk any more about it, although I've blabbed on quite a lot here. I can SO feel what you are going through. I wish I could reach out and hug you.
You sound like me just a few short months ago. My husband and I have been married 3 years, but have been together for 10. And we are very similar in age to you and yours. I was only minorly concerned at first about the drinking and was starting to realize that we had some other issues in our marriage. Slowly the drinking got worse. I would talk to him about it, he would promise to 'cut down'. Shortly we would be back at the same place, him drinking anywhere from 6-12 beer EVERY night. And then I made the ultimatum. The same one you've made. He didn't follow it - he drank. Always had a good excuse for it. And I shared the excuses. While it upset me, I could sort of really understand why he had to drink. And then I'd have to make the ultimatum again. And again. And again. Until finally I followed through with my side of the ultimatum. I left.
I've been gone for 6 weeks now. It was the hardest thing I've every done, but what 'they' say is true - time is a great healer...it gets easier with time. I really truly beleived it would NEVER get better. I thought I would feel the pain and the guilt FOREVER. But it's been getting easier and easier. And with the distance from him I realize what a true text book alcoholic he really is. Still functioning at this point, but I'm sure that will end one day. He still won't actually do anything about the drinking. In fact, I think he's probably happy that he doesn't have to hide his drinking anymore.
He's of course making it awfully difficult for me to move forward, and doing everything he can to stall the selling of the house while trying his hardest to make me feel guilty...
but he's still drinking.
And now I KNOW I did the right thing. From sticking around these forums enough and reading all the stories I don't doubt for a second I did the right thing. He will never choose me over the alcohol. Life without me is not his rock bottom. And I don't intend to be around and have a family and children with a man who is ultimately going to end up spiralling out of control.
I'm sorry this is so long.
But yes, I can relate. I can relate VERY much. I know just what you are thinking and feeling.
You are young, as am I, young enough that you still have time to rebuild a life without alcoholism in it. Rebuild your life with yourself - learn to love yourself again. And then one day rebuild your life with a man who is not an alcoholic. With a man who will choose you over the booze every time. With a man where it's not even a question. That is my plan. It's a long rough road to get there. But I'm on the road and I'm pedalling as hard as I can.
Feel free to PM me if you want to talk any more about it, although I've blabbed on quite a lot here. I can SO feel what you are going through. I wish I could reach out and hug you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Hi rainonme,
I'm sorry you're traveling this road right now, but glad you're here.
As you're learning, alcoholism is a progressive disease. The fact that he's taking Zoloft AND drinking heavily is really frightening. But the rest....the moods, the anger, the passing out, the embarrassing moments, the blackouts after raging.....all very familiar to me.
Antidepressants are good. Couples counseling is good. But is he getting any help for his alcoholism? 12-step? Detox? Counseling?
I know that I eventually reached a point where I was tired of alienating my entire family, walking on eggshells, and setting boundaries only to see them crashed. My life came to revolve around the alcoholic, and I approached most social situations with a kind of low-level dread. No way to live. My alcoholic family members did similar things to your husband -- outbursts they didn't remember, etc etc. Eventually, when they would not help themselves (including X) I really had to save myself by leaving.
I hope your husband is willing to seek help. You sound like a great, level-headed woman who is willing to help him -- IF he wants to help himself.
Hugs,
GL
I'm sorry you're traveling this road right now, but glad you're here.
As you're learning, alcoholism is a progressive disease. The fact that he's taking Zoloft AND drinking heavily is really frightening. But the rest....the moods, the anger, the passing out, the embarrassing moments, the blackouts after raging.....all very familiar to me.
Antidepressants are good. Couples counseling is good. But is he getting any help for his alcoholism? 12-step? Detox? Counseling?
I know that I eventually reached a point where I was tired of alienating my entire family, walking on eggshells, and setting boundaries only to see them crashed. My life came to revolve around the alcoholic, and I approached most social situations with a kind of low-level dread. No way to live. My alcoholic family members did similar things to your husband -- outbursts they didn't remember, etc etc. Eventually, when they would not help themselves (including X) I really had to save myself by leaving.
I hope your husband is willing to seek help. You sound like a great, level-headed woman who is willing to help him -- IF he wants to help himself.
Hugs,
GL
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Maryland
Posts: 4
Thanks for the quick responses, shared stories, and support. I REALLY do hope that this can get better. I DO believe that husband wants the help and now recognizes he has a problem. He is going to his first AA meeting tomorrow. He is also going to increase his Zoloft and begin seeing the psychiatrist more regularly to get better medication management of his depression/ anxiety. Also, our therapist wants to do more individual therapy with husband and see him/us more frequently-- like every week or two (things had actually been going very well, to the point where we went like once a month!). He is actually a very kind, sweet, loving man and I know he loves me and "us" very much. I know that this recent incident has really shaken him and I up and that he is at 110% at giving recovery his all right now. What scares me though is if and when he returns to status quo... But I have some control/ anxiety issues of my own and can never tell when my worry is justified....
Does anyone have a significant other that is successfully in recovery? I know that it never goes away, but can it improve and never get "that bad" again??? Has anyone stayed in the relationship and had it work out/ it all be worth it? What is the recipe for hope and success????????
Thank you.
Does anyone have a significant other that is successfully in recovery? I know that it never goes away, but can it improve and never get "that bad" again??? Has anyone stayed in the relationship and had it work out/ it all be worth it? What is the recipe for hope and success????????
Thank you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Calgary, Alberta
Posts: 24
I just want to let you know that I wish you all the best. I truly hope that things will work out for you.
My AH was not willing to get help which is what pushed me to finally leave. Sounds like yours is willing to give AA and therapy a try and really work at this thing called recovery - that is truly great.
You mention you have control issues - make sure you read up on Codependency. I too have control issues and A LOT of codependency issues. By working on that, you will work on YOU and make sure that you don't lose who you are in this whole thing.
Best of luck to you and your husband. I hope the best for you. And keep posting here. It has truly helped me emmensly!!
Dakota.
My AH was not willing to get help which is what pushed me to finally leave. Sounds like yours is willing to give AA and therapy a try and really work at this thing called recovery - that is truly great.
You mention you have control issues - make sure you read up on Codependency. I too have control issues and A LOT of codependency issues. By working on that, you will work on YOU and make sure that you don't lose who you are in this whole thing.
Best of luck to you and your husband. I hope the best for you. And keep posting here. It has truly helped me emmensly!!
Dakota.
Becoming a Butterfly
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 904
Food for thought, my exAH used to totally admit he was an alcoholic. Went for lots of help especially therapy. That kept me distracted while he drank like a fish.
He's sober now only because it was be sober or go to jail. *sigh*
He's sober now only because it was be sober or go to jail. *sigh*
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Des Plaines,IL
Posts: 187
Originally Posted by rainonme 
We went to our therapist tonight and I am both hopeful but wary and scared. I WANT to work through this and support him to get better. But I know that it is a LONG and daunting road. I know that he will likely relapse at some point, but I HAD to give an ultimatum. It has never been that bad and I can not have it like that again. I will not.
That is some of our story for now. Just wanted to see if anyone can relate and I guess need some encouragement that it can improve or a reality check that it won't if that is the case...
Thank you.
That is some of our story for now. Just wanted to see if anyone can relate and I guess need some encouragement that it can improve or a reality check that it won't if that is the case...
Thank you.
From my experience, ultimatums are not the best approach. This isn't a choice between you and the alcohol; it's a choice between himself and the alcohol. He needs to do this for himself, and if he isn't doing this for himself, I doubt that he is going to succeed.
What are you going to do if he relapses? You are in an extremely difficult situation here, and I would focus on you and how you are going to handle this relationship. Whatever you do, don't try to control his drinking. His drinking is his problem and he needs to face his problem. If he gives up on himself, stops going to meetings, stops making an effort to clean his act up, you need to run for the hills. You didn't mention if you have kids or not. If you don't have any kids, I certainly would be doing everything possible to prevent children from being born into that chaotic situation. He has to get his act together or it's curtains for him, but you can't do it for him.
Peace.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Happy with me !
Posts: 680
Just wanted to extend a warm welcome to you here at SR.
If he is willing to get help, good.
Take things one day at a time.....things didn't get this bad overnight, and won't get better overnight either.
Hugs to you.
If he is willing to get help, good.
Take things one day at a time.....things didn't get this bad overnight, and won't get better overnight either.
Hugs to you.
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