How did I live with it? Marital Bliss - rub his back with lavendar soap while drunk
Caring for the 3 little bears
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Oz
Posts: 509
How did I live with it? Marital Bliss - rub his back with lavendar soap while drunk
Sorry for writing a chapter of a book here but someone asked HOW DO YOU LIVE WITH AN ALCOHOLIC. I wanted to start a new thread copying what I wrote on the other thread. I hope I haven't broken any etiquette rules.
I lived with mine for 13 years. It was tough. I didn't realize how tough it was until I got out. I was not the mother or person God intended me to be during this time. I was a basketcase most of the time. Not able to make decisions, feeling guilt and shame more often than not and not able to receive or give true happiness. Again, I didn't realize how sick I was until I got out.
You have to decide if you are willing to do what it takes. So, you ask how do you live with it? I never learned how. I did it very unhappily. Maybe someone will come along who has done it successfully and tell you their side of the story. Hanging out here off and on for the past four years, I will tell you those who have done it happily are far and few between.
One happy woman posted on here once that she would help her hungover and/or drunk husband into the tub and wash his back with warm water and lavender soap to help him feel better. HEAVENS! I would probably try to drown my AH if I got him in the tub.
This is a progressive disease, and more than likely, if they don't get sober, their alcoholism will get worse.
Once the daily drinking kicks in, morning, noon and night, things will get worse...
If you are able and willing to take care of just about everything, on your own, then by all means go for it! Expect nothing from him.
FINANCIALLY - jobs will be hard to keep, which means paychecks will be hard to come by. When paychecks are coming in, most of it is spent on alcohol and and anything else they desire at the time. You will more than likely need to have your own bank accounts to make sure all the bills get paid.
EMOTIONALLY - unavailable. Except when their own emotions kick in and they are crying in self pity about their drunkenness and how they wish they could stop.
GOING IT ALONE - missing many family activities, parties, kids events, family functions, etc. If you are able to find a way to be at peace with doing things without an involved spouse, then go for it!
POSSIBLE DEATH - my AH almost died three times. Once in a car accident in which he was hospitalized for 2 1/2 months and our 5 year old daughter was hospitalized for 13 days with spinal fracture, liver laceration, intestinal tear. This is a man who is a loving, kind, giving, caring and professing Christian man. But once the obsession of alcohol kicks in, that is all he thinks about, how, when, where can he get more. It doesn't matter that he is putting himself, his children, me or others in danger. Yes, this is a kind man, a loving man. The other two times were due to near heart failure.
I eventually decided if I was going to FEEL alone, then I was going to BE alone. And I could not tolerate the alcohol being more important than the children's safety. Yes, after the accident, he continued to drink. And eventually I trusted him again, and he drove again drunk with the children. So, I asked him to leave.
After a while, I felt at peace for the first time in many years.
So, only you can decide, are you going to want to scrub his drunken back with lavender, or would you prefer to drown him ?
Obviously, I am being a bit sarcastic. But really, only you can decide what kind of life you will have, with or without him. And, as other posters said, not how, but WHY, why accept this kind of lifestyle? love? You can love someone, but that doesn't mean you have to live with them. Find out all you can about the progressiveness of this disease and make a well informed decision.
I lived with mine for 13 years. It was tough. I didn't realize how tough it was until I got out. I was not the mother or person God intended me to be during this time. I was a basketcase most of the time. Not able to make decisions, feeling guilt and shame more often than not and not able to receive or give true happiness. Again, I didn't realize how sick I was until I got out.
You have to decide if you are willing to do what it takes. So, you ask how do you live with it? I never learned how. I did it very unhappily. Maybe someone will come along who has done it successfully and tell you their side of the story. Hanging out here off and on for the past four years, I will tell you those who have done it happily are far and few between.
One happy woman posted on here once that she would help her hungover and/or drunk husband into the tub and wash his back with warm water and lavender soap to help him feel better. HEAVENS! I would probably try to drown my AH if I got him in the tub.
This is a progressive disease, and more than likely, if they don't get sober, their alcoholism will get worse.
Once the daily drinking kicks in, morning, noon and night, things will get worse...
If you are able and willing to take care of just about everything, on your own, then by all means go for it! Expect nothing from him.
FINANCIALLY - jobs will be hard to keep, which means paychecks will be hard to come by. When paychecks are coming in, most of it is spent on alcohol and and anything else they desire at the time. You will more than likely need to have your own bank accounts to make sure all the bills get paid.
EMOTIONALLY - unavailable. Except when their own emotions kick in and they are crying in self pity about their drunkenness and how they wish they could stop.
GOING IT ALONE - missing many family activities, parties, kids events, family functions, etc. If you are able to find a way to be at peace with doing things without an involved spouse, then go for it!
POSSIBLE DEATH - my AH almost died three times. Once in a car accident in which he was hospitalized for 2 1/2 months and our 5 year old daughter was hospitalized for 13 days with spinal fracture, liver laceration, intestinal tear. This is a man who is a loving, kind, giving, caring and professing Christian man. But once the obsession of alcohol kicks in, that is all he thinks about, how, when, where can he get more. It doesn't matter that he is putting himself, his children, me or others in danger. Yes, this is a kind man, a loving man. The other two times were due to near heart failure.
I eventually decided if I was going to FEEL alone, then I was going to BE alone. And I could not tolerate the alcohol being more important than the children's safety. Yes, after the accident, he continued to drink. And eventually I trusted him again, and he drove again drunk with the children. So, I asked him to leave.
After a while, I felt at peace for the first time in many years.
So, only you can decide, are you going to want to scrub his drunken back with lavender, or would you prefer to drown him ?
Obviously, I am being a bit sarcastic. But really, only you can decide what kind of life you will have, with or without him. And, as other posters said, not how, but WHY, why accept this kind of lifestyle? love? You can love someone, but that doesn't mean you have to live with them. Find out all you can about the progressiveness of this disease and make a well informed decision.
Keepingmyjoy
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: NY
Posts: 328
So, you ask how do you live with it? I never learned how. I did it very unhappily.
Same here!
One happy woman posted on here once that she would help her hungover and/or drunk husband into the tub and wash his back with warm water and lavender soap to help him feel better.
:codiepolice
Same here!
One happy woman posted on here once that she would help her hungover and/or drunk husband into the tub and wash his back with warm water and lavender soap to help him feel better.
:codiepolice
Member
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: NY, NY
Posts: 61
This has to be one of the BEST posts I have read on here since I returned last month. Everything you write I can relate to - including the sarcastic bathtub scenario.
My exAH almost died three times too - but the fourth time he lost his life, the cause was indeed alcoholism that killed him. You are SO very right - the longer they drink the sicker (mentally, physically, emotionally) they become - and if you are living there that puts you right in the line of fire. And even though you are not the alcoholic YOU become sicker too (mentally, emotionally AND physically).
Good for you for getting out - and seeking peace, because we all know there is NO peace living with an alcoholic who is using.
See my latest post in the 'Must everyone be sick' thread - for the reasons why I got out. I was NOT willilng to 'do what it takes' to stick around and enable his drinking and accept his behavior and cater to his needs like a 2 year old child and feel more unloved then I ever felt in my life. Getting out and being with people who DID care and love me rather then the alcoholic made a huge difference. I didn't have children with him - but that would have also been my primary motivation - because they would be most important. I did stay long enough to care for our dying dog who I could not leave there and who needed my help and love and compassion. Then one day my exAH euthanized him - and I never got to say goodbye. Things like that or driving children around drunk - are behaviors that really force you to realize that they have lost all sense of reality, logic and common sense.
Thanks for your great post - I hope it will help many others out there to get out.
My exAH almost died three times too - but the fourth time he lost his life, the cause was indeed alcoholism that killed him. You are SO very right - the longer they drink the sicker (mentally, physically, emotionally) they become - and if you are living there that puts you right in the line of fire. And even though you are not the alcoholic YOU become sicker too (mentally, emotionally AND physically).
Good for you for getting out - and seeking peace, because we all know there is NO peace living with an alcoholic who is using.
See my latest post in the 'Must everyone be sick' thread - for the reasons why I got out. I was NOT willilng to 'do what it takes' to stick around and enable his drinking and accept his behavior and cater to his needs like a 2 year old child and feel more unloved then I ever felt in my life. Getting out and being with people who DID care and love me rather then the alcoholic made a huge difference. I didn't have children with him - but that would have also been my primary motivation - because they would be most important. I did stay long enough to care for our dying dog who I could not leave there and who needed my help and love and compassion. Then one day my exAH euthanized him - and I never got to say goodbye. Things like that or driving children around drunk - are behaviors that really force you to realize that they have lost all sense of reality, logic and common sense.
Thanks for your great post - I hope it will help many others out there to get out.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: NY, NY
Posts: 61
Hi Wraybear -
I just saw that you posted in reply to me - in the 'must everyone be sick' thread.
I never looked at it that way - that I was not a codependent going in, but became one once I lived with him but broke away because I was not one initially. I always struggled with defining why I was doing what i was doing and didn't believe that I had codie tendencies in my personality. Maybe that is why - because I began to behave that way briefly but then stopped. I think there are a lot of factors that influence this - my situation came about so fast. Perhaps if I had been married a lot longer, had children etc - - and the alcoholism slowly crept into our marriage, things might have been different. But I literally got married and he was coming home drunk every night as soon as we got home from the honeymoon!
Even though I struggled with trying to decide what the heck to do and felt immense guilt initially for leaving and then filing for divorce - - I was able to remain strong and stay out and not change my mind. I think it would have been much harder had I been married longer and he was not in the end stages of the disease as soon as we married. (I dated him for three years and he hid his disease from me all along!)
Take care.
I just saw that you posted in reply to me - in the 'must everyone be sick' thread.
I never looked at it that way - that I was not a codependent going in, but became one once I lived with him but broke away because I was not one initially. I always struggled with defining why I was doing what i was doing and didn't believe that I had codie tendencies in my personality. Maybe that is why - because I began to behave that way briefly but then stopped. I think there are a lot of factors that influence this - my situation came about so fast. Perhaps if I had been married a lot longer, had children etc - - and the alcoholism slowly crept into our marriage, things might have been different. But I literally got married and he was coming home drunk every night as soon as we got home from the honeymoon!
Even though I struggled with trying to decide what the heck to do and felt immense guilt initially for leaving and then filing for divorce - - I was able to remain strong and stay out and not change my mind. I think it would have been much harder had I been married longer and he was not in the end stages of the disease as soon as we married. (I dated him for three years and he hid his disease from me all along!)
Take care.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
