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Old 11-26-2007, 12:19 PM
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OT - Single parenting and dating.

Blah.. Where do I even start. It's been a little over a year now that I've been away from the XAH. I am doing great. I am very happy with my job, I'm still living with my mom...but it works, I have the boys and we are starting to get back into church.
BUT - the boys are having some major meltdowns. They have been slamming doors and back talking telling me they don't have to do what I say... I am at my wits end.

They go over to XAH and are told they can do what they want at my house.. their dad has a picture of me with my face on a JACKASS! They are told that if I go out to dinner w/out them and leave them w/my mom - he will take them. So they run to call him when I'm getting ready to go.

How can there even be any dating in a situation like this? My gosh the one guy I have liked that I introduced them to... pretty much ran! Who could blame him?

Just venting.. it's getting rough.
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Old 11-26-2007, 12:36 PM
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I think it is shameful and tragic that he is using your children as pawns to try and maintain his control over you. I think counseling may be a good option for your boys, but I would first suggest you find a counselor that you are comfortable with and have some sessions of your own. You may get some helpful feedback and suggestions.

I have found that when children act out, there is usually something bothering them. And it usually comes down to fear. Maybe they fear he will take them? Reacting to my children from a position of power or authority only seemed to make things worse. When I ask questions and listen to their answers, then they calm down. That doesn't mean I give in to their wishes, just that we communicate better. I am the parent, and I still make most of the important decisions. They don't have to like it, and they are absolutely allowed to have an opinion about it. They are not allowed to treat me with disrespect and I don't treat them with disrespect. Your ex is treating you disrespectfully in front of them and they should understand that it is not okay. You can't make him stop, but you can instill values in them so that they do not grow up thinking it is okay to treat others that way.

As far as dating goes, I made sure my kids knew I was making new friends. Both male and female, and just because I was going out didn't mean it was a 'date.' And just because I went places with a person more than once didn't mean he was a 'boyfriend.' And this is true. I am not in a place right now where I want another husband, or even a live-in companion. Just someone to go places and do things with. Luckily, I have found someone like that and there is no pressure for anything more. My kids are fine with it, too. But then again, my ex is not acting like a pathetic, immature jerk, either.

So sorry you are dealing with this.

L
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Old 11-26-2007, 12:44 PM
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Thanks for sharing this!

It is challenging! So far what's worked for me in the limited dating I've done in sobriety is dating another single parent and we all go out together. I guess if they run it's a good indication that it'll never work out in the long run. Yep, privacy and intimacy come much more slowly, but for some reason it feels good to test the waters and find out how we all work together.

As far as what happens when they're with my ex, I try to accept that I have zero control over that. I do my best to keep my side of the street clean and do the right thing, and in return my children and I have learned a fairly mutual amount of respect for each other, and we share a lot of love. I'm still working on being a disciplinarian, always wanting to be the "nice guy" to my kids, and looking for a good balance somewhere in between;-)
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Old 11-26-2007, 12:57 PM
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It is challenging. I have been dating someone for a little while. I did let the kids finally meet him twice after 10 months. They behaved so badly it was unreal. After that, we have not participated jointly in anything. I'm told to wait, be patient.. that over time he'll come around... in the meantime - we spend every other weekend with HIS kids. I'm not going to be unfair to mine... but I am not really ready to jump full fledge into anything either. I do tell my boys that I don't have a boyfriend.

I have also scheduled some counseling sessions for my 11 yo. He seems to be going through the most at this point. After we get going good with him.. then I'll start the twins...

I'm just getting blah.
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Old 11-26-2007, 01:13 PM
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Can you go and change the visitation based on this disrespect...tell the judge what is happening and that you feel it is to the kids detriment etc.? Do they have a law guardian? They have that in our state.
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Old 11-26-2007, 01:36 PM
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I understand how hard it is. For me, I found it worked much better to keep my dating life and my mom life separate. They don't have to like who I date, and who I date doesn't have to like my kids. It would be nice if everyone all got along and had fun times together, but I don't think any of us is ready for that 'family situation' yet. So, I spend time doing things with my kids, and I spend time doing things without them. (BTW, everyone has met, but the guy I'm dating wants to date me, not my kids. And, my kids have no interest in another "man" in their life, they already have a dad.) It works for me.

I guess I'm wondering why you spend every other weekend with his kids. And, are you feeling guilty about your kids because of it? I see no reason to force my date on my kids, or force my kids on my date. This guy isn't looking for someone to be a mom to his kids, is he?

L
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Old 11-26-2007, 01:55 PM
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My kids were a bit hostile in the beginning of my dating someone, until I told them that I loved them more than anyone in the whole world... that he would never be more important to me than them. Now, they love him.
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Old 11-26-2007, 02:23 PM
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GOD I am so sorry and please dont even listen to what it is I am about to say except I was a kid like that and I knew right from wrong but I dont have kids right now mind you but all I can say is da*N it !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




firm hand upon waiting butt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


but again I am not saying NOTHING ATY ALL!!!!
mom, you should of kicked my butt for some of the things we put you threw...........although superglued playgirls on the bed was funny, it was when joe(Now my dad!!!!) got the da*n plastic wrapped toliet seat...........that was funny dont care who ya are!!!!
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Old 11-26-2007, 05:00 PM
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Ayers, I feel sososo unqualified to even be posting in your thread. I'm a div. single dad with joint and visitation. But I was stupid enough to start dating an alcoholic female and introduce her to my darling daughter! Not that I allowed my xagf to drink around my daughter or anything like that. But still, I chose to get involved with an A and exposed my daughter to her.

I guess my point is, you could have done alot worse than inviting a decent, normal guy into you and your kids lives! If your date gets "the treatment" from the boys, I guess its a great testament of the mans character depending on how he handles it! Not all guys are naturally born as paternal males, and have empathy for someone elses children. Quite the opposite, actually, IMHO. Judging from the picture of you in your avator, you shouldnt be having any probs with attracting men.



Oh, and the story about the donkey picture kinda made me laugh! I hope you laughed about it with the boys, also, Ayers?!?! I mean, dont take this suggestion seriously, but I wouldnt be against you putting a picture of the XAH in the kids room with a picture of Shrek's head pasted onto it!
Im joking, of course. But serious as a heart attack about laughing it off with your kids. Sure, it's not right and the XAH did it just to get your goat (bad choice of words). But learn to turn those types of situations around to your advantage and watch it backfire on him. Feel me?
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Old 11-27-2007, 11:08 AM
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Right now the boys are all consumed with football and wrestling... and their dad wants to move to the country and can they go with their dad? This breaks my heart. I know at this point I have to be tough, but how can you be tough AND still not push the kids the other way...

As for a love life. Well...I will have to figure out what it is that I need the most. I am crazy about this guy and he is me. We will have to figure out the differences w/the kids or I will have to have a talk with him. He's told me in the past that he wasn't ready for me...but he wasn't ready to let me go either. So.. I've been trying to patiently wait. (I'm still dating others, occasionally)

My focus .. I agree needs to be on getting the issues settled with the kids. I thought we'd done that..until the new behavioural problems.

I did have a talk with the boys and asked them if they thought it was funny about the picture? They said no.. I told them that it was very hurtful and wrong for him to have done something like that and they said they were sorry. I told them they did nothing wrong, it jsut wasn't nice for him to have done that to me.

Anyway.. gonna run. Thanks all. BBL
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