peaceteach

Hi Blue,

Welcome back. Have you read Melody Beattie's "Codependent No More"? You sound so much like me, shamed and embarrassed by my alcoholic husband. One of the things WE as codependents do SO WELL is try to "hide" the awfulness of our situation to the outside world.

I found out that this is really a bad approach, especially for our children. I found out a lot of things that I was doing wrong when I discovered the term "codependent" and realized that I suffered from it. I hope you stick around and read a lot this time, and keep posting.

It is very hard to accept the truth that your husband is just like every other alcoholic, and your life mirrors everyone elses, isn't it? I hurt so bad when that acceptance finally came, but it did lead me to starting towards a better life for me and my kids. One of the first big lessons I had was that my (now ex) alcoholic husband would not be able to stop drinking, no matter what big event was coming up. He just couldn't unless he found recovery and stopped drinking COMPLETELY.

I am asking you to, just for today, take it on blind faith that what you are reading here about the progressive, will-always-get-even-worse process of an alcoholic who refuses treatment, is true. And that your life will ALWAYS be like this until YOU decide that you will no longer accept a future like you are now living. I really liked it when you said "What about your little girl?" in the house every night witnessing the sad behavior of a grown man drunk.

You are not going to be able to talk rationally with your husband, Blue. He is on a downward spiral and cannot even THINK about your feelings or those of your little girl. YOU are the only rational adult in your house right now, girl. YOU have to be the one to make the right decisions now when it comes to raising your daughter in a home filled with love, one where she can enjoy little girl-sleepovers like every little girl deserves. When you stop trying to get HIM to behave a certain way and accept that THIS IS YOUR LIFE, it is a big step toward making the right changes for you and your daughter. Please start today with reading about codependency and about how it is pointless to ever again expect your alcoholic husband to be the man you want him to be without recovery and treatment. Today would be a good day to accept all this and start making plans to take back charge of your life, for your little girl and for you. Hugs to you and I'm so glad you came back

Beachbum2856

That's the scary part to me, when kids think it is normal and accept it as part of their daily lives. My grandson talks about it when he's at my house and he's only 6 years old. But when he's at his house I guess it's just normal, his mom drinking one beer after another, sitting on the computer chatting and on myspace all evening and then screaming at him. Sad.

Barbara52

Yup, its normal to kids. Its all they have known. How very sad that there are so many children learning that alcoholism is normal and acceptable!

Its what I grew up with and is at least a good part of the explanation of why I ended up marrying an alcoholic myself. I think the only way to break the family train of alcoholism and codependency is for the non-alcoholic parent to leave the alcoholic parent. And lots of therapy or AlAnon for the kids.

bluewombat

It does my heart good to read all your posts. I feel like someone is finally understanding what I am feeling. Certainly my AH doesn't. It has been a strange two weeks. On the saturday before Mother's Day he got about as drunk as I had ever seen him get. He ended up staying out late at the "fire pit". I was downstairs watching a movie and my youngest who was in bed came downstairs and said "Daddy is upstairs saying that someone punched him and his lip is bleeding". I went up and he was passed out. He had a "rim" mark on his forehead, a puffy area under his left eye and a puffy and split lip. I told her it was ok. That he was fine. She went to bed. I went outside and the "firepit" area was clearly showing me what had occurred. He must have fallen over backwards away from the fire down the embankment and hit his head on the wheelbarrow that was several feet away from the overturned bench. My heart turned cold to think what may have occurred if he had passed out forwards into the fire. He got a scare too and didn't drink all week. A whole week. Our life seemed normal again and he was so normal and cohearant. I saw what life used to be and it was sad that I kept lookeing for signs of drinking each evening. He noticed because last night when he drank again he ranted about how I have been shadowing him. What he used to consider companionship is now "stalking" to him. He drank so much that he bumped into the wall down the stairway several times and stumbled and then bumped the wall on the landing. He swayed dramaticly. I don't know how he was able to keep on his feet. Both girls were facing the stairway watching tv along with me downstairs and we saw every stumble and every mis step. He went into the bedroom and passed out across the bed as soon as he got into the bedroom! Not before giving me the finger for some reason. I found that very strange. He drinks himself into a near coma and he gives me the finger? He clearly sees me as his problem somehow and I am taking blame in his mind. Thats strange. It sure makes it easier to try to detach from him when he makes a gesture like that. Both girls are saying a lot of negatives comments now. They are no longer acting like it is OK for their father to drink. (He started drinking 3 years ago- I am shocked it took them this long to say out loud that they want him to quit.) Anyway. Thanks again for all you say to me. I really need to hear these things. Please remember that I still love him and I am working on getting the courage to leave but it really is not going to be simple in such a rural area where Rents and jobs are few and far betweeen.

Pajarito

At the very least I hope you can find al-anon for yourself and your children. They are obviously negatively affected by your AH. No matter how strong you are getting they are still living with him as well and will need some way to understand that what he is doing is not normal- and that it's not a good example of a healthy marriage or father. . . (((Take care)))

FormerDoormat

What's lovable about him?