Barbara52

The way I did it was to move in with my grandmother. It was only 2 houses down the street from mom and dad but it got me out of the madness. I was 18 and in college at the time. I was very lucky to have that alternative.

Perhaps if you think about it and look around you also have an alternative?

daddyslittlegir

i'll just have to see what happens now, he moved out tonight, we came home and he was gone..... don't really know how i'm feeling about it yet, i jumped on the Xanax pretty quickly, i was a bit worried it might trigger my depression which has been really bad in the past.... maybe I'll wake up tomorrow morning and he'll be home : ) and he won't drink anymore, and he wont be so unhappy..... or maybe i'll be the one to wake up tomorrow.

bluewombat

I feel ashamed that I have not taken my girls and left. Reading about daddyslittlegirl and her pain has especially been an eye opener. My daughters don't seem upset. They seem to be ignoring it. Maybe they are like me and they are waiting for him to snap out of this and go back to the way he used to be just two years ago when he never drank at all. This was due to years of counseling when we first got married when he got arrested for DUI. He used to tell our oldest daugter that he doesn't want her to see him drunk. Now he drinks all the time. This whole past week he didn't drink at all. It seemed like a miracle. He promised to stop and it seemed like he had. Tonight he is out in the garage drinking again. I asked him why? He said "Because I have been good for a week and I proved I could go a week without drinking and I wanted a beer" So we are right back to square one. All this effort for nothing. I was beginning to think that maybe everything would be ok and he had to go and buy the beer. I think this proves he will never be able to change as long as he refuses to get counseling or go to AA. I feel like a bad mother that I am exposing my daughters to this.

nowinsituation

You are not a bad mother. You are struggling like the rest of us. I have left, and some would argue that I am a bad mother for leaving, for possibly (probably) having my children experience the trauma of divorce. It is a double-edged sword with no clear-cut answers. I struggle with the decision all the time, am I being selfish because I know it is the best thing for ME -- but maybe not the best thing for the rest of the family?? Only time will tell I guess. We just do the best we can with what we have. Don't be too hard on yourself!

bluewombat

I feel so much anger and anguish. I see him out in the garage drinking and I just wish something would penetrate that alcoholic mind set he has developed. I feel like writing him a letter and make him see how he appears to be changing in my opinion. How much respect I have lost for him. How much love is lost. I used to cherish every moment we had together and now I don't want to come home to him at all. Sometimes it does seem like it would be such a relief to not have to deal with this anymore.....but I know it wouldn't be the right choice for me and my girls at this point in our lives. Maybe down the road. But not now. It is so sad that he has the power to make so much of a difference in our lives and he can't see that for himself. Of all the things in our marriage that caused us conflict this is the last thing I would have believed that would cause me to examine the pros and cons of leaving. He used have so much will power over the alcohol during the 18 years that he was a dry alcoholic. Nobody could have made him slip. He was so strong. Now he doesn't even try. I don't understand. It is so sad. I think after the holidays I will have to ask him to leave. My heart is breaking and I don't think I can stand to watch this self destruction any longer.

daddyslittlegir

All your children will want for both of you, nowinsituation and bluewombat, is to be happy. A child knows when their mum is hurting, and they try but they cant fix it, and it feels like their world isnt quite right. They may not have a dad but if their mum is whole they will feel ok, trust me. It's not easy storming out of the house distraught only to realise who's gonna take care of mum. Kids feel the need to protect their parents, just as you feel the need to protect us...

tryingtoheal

That's true. It kills me to see my ma unhappy with my afather. He is just a huge jerk to her all the time. Though I love him so much, there were so many years when I was a teenager that I literally HATED him. That hatred mad me depressed, and I started to actually turn it on my mother for being so 'weak' as to put up with his crud. I came to terms with that hate, but I can't say it was easy...and I was also at college, so I wasn't home to witness it much; that may have helped.

Now, I have a great relationship with them both. But I wish I didn't have to feel all that hate for him back then...hope your kids never have to feel true hate towards anyone someday...it's a ******, stupid emotion that only hurts the one feeling or expressing it.

My brother still has that hate. He's a 31-yr-old emotional wreck of person...like me, he was able to quell his hate in college, but right afterwards he had lots of problems with anger (involving the law, i.e. punched a guy in the airport for yelling cusswords in his cell phone! My bro was mad because there were kids all around him listening to his crass language. Also has 2 dui's.).

Anyway, he did not get rid of that hate. To let you know the extent of his damage, I'll tell you what he is doing today: lives at home in my parent's basement, unemployed again after being a bricklayer for two years, he's an alcoholic, pot-addict, and he is stringing along three gf's...each are codependent. He is totally codependent, as well. That may not sound too bad, but you should know that he graduated from Harvard! Wtf?

Kids can only keep it together so long before something gives...

Best to all on this weekend...

bluewombat

This morning I read these replies and I realize that so many lives are permanently altered by the selfish behavior of ONE family member who sits around doing what they "enjoy" doing. What gives them pleasure. My a-h says he loves the tast of beer and that he enjoys it and he is not hurting anybody else. all these statements are so different from how he used to talk when he went around explaining to people that he couldn't drink a beer that was offered because he was an alcoholic. If they were a good enough friend they would even get the whole story about how he had his last drink when our 19 year old was born and how he didn't want her to ever see him drink. I feel like beating my head against a wall now every time I feel like maybe I should talk to him again about this. What good is talk. I have talked and talked and talked these past two years and all I got out it was for him to finally quit for one week And of course last night he started in on the binge drinking again. He got a 12 pack and I was told "don't touch my beer". This short week of quitting gave me hope that maybe our lives could go back to normal again. It reminded me of how things used to be. I guess the reason I was so angry was that he gave me hope and then he so casually took it away without any visible remorse. It feels like I am being toyed with. Some game he plays that I can never win. Sometimes he drinks downstairs but last night it was in the garage so they didn't even know. I know he can move out and stay in one of the houses he caretakes for. It just seems like throwing away any hope of keeping the family together. I know that is not going to happen. He is so consistant with his binge drinking every single night. This has become such a part of his life and it is more important then me or the girls to him. He will sometimes even offer me one of his beers but not usually. He wants it all to himself. He really does love his beer more than me.I think he quit last week because he got a scare. I woke up at midnight and couldn't find him. I went out to the garage and he had passed out accross the riding lawn mower which had a tent draped across it to dry. I couldnt wake him up but he was breathing. I went back an hour later and he was sleeping in a chair by the wood stove. I could see that he had vommited sometime after I had left. No matter how much he drinks I have never known him to get sick. He blamed the late night drinking on me and how I had questioned him about he was driving me away. I asked him if he wanted to leave us and would he be happier without anyone around telling him he shouldn't drink. So it scared him....but apparently not enough to quit for good.

Barbara52

Please do not fool yourself that your children do not know what is going on. Kids are very observant and aware of much more than adults give them credit for.

I am so sorry you are going thru all this. Having children only makes it worse.

steve11694

It is wonderful that children of alcoholics have these forums and can understand a great deal and hopefully avoid emotional injury as adults. At alanon meetings one thing is for sure, adult children of alcoholics need all the tissues on the table. They do the most crying in my experience.
Very important to realize that the addict is not in control or at the steering wheel. Alcohol is and they do not purposely do things to hurt loved ones.

bluewombat

My AH is finally making the effort I have been hoping for. He has not been drinking this week and is showing the kind of will power I knew he had. I am shocked and amazed and I pray this will continue in the same vein. I found this website when I really needed it and I know I benefited greatly from all your wisdom. I have read what all of you have written over and over and I have to wonder if my lack of a poker face is partly the reason he has finally stoped the drinking. It is very possible.

Teresa

GiveLove

Good luck, Teresa, and take care of you & the kids no matter what he decides. He is not in control of your lives unless you hand him the reins. Praying he stays on the straight & narrow.

daddyslittlegir

How's he going with that teresa? My dad is sorta doing the same, I think it was our lack of poker face too. It's been about 2 weeks and so far drinking "in moderation" literally. I believe like your husband is hopefully still doing, he should stop completely, but It's not my problem it's his, to deal with as he wishes. You sound a lot like my mum. she's so happy he's cut back, she really believes things r going to change, but i'm worried they will go back to normal, so i'm kinda preparing for the worst. And if i'm pleasantly suprised hey great, but he's got another 20-30 years to relapse, I'm not willing him to fail, i'm just not ready to trust you know, but it looks like my mum needs to. So my advice to you is have faith in your husband, but also have faith in yourself, that whatever he chooses, to be sober, or to relapse, that you and your kids will be ok, come what may.

bluewombat

I want to thank everyone for taking the time to reach out and offer such wonderful honest and heartfelt advise. I have not been back to this website for a long time because I felt like I had run out of options. I felt I had no where to turn or to go if he will not get help. He has cut down to bing drinking two or three evenings a week but on weekends it starts at about 11 am and dowesn't end until he falls asleep or passes out. He could be out in the garage or upstairs. I am tired of it and I honestly feel that someone who has to drink until he simply can't drink anymore should never drink a drop. What is different now is that I recently had a beloved brother take his own life. I didn't even realize that he was depressed. He never let on that he would take this action. He simply quietly wrote a bunch of letters to different people and went out back and took his life. I miss him dearly and wonder every day what I could have done to help. I don't have any help for him. It has been a month now and each day is easier to face than the last. Its so terrible to loose a brother so suddenly because he is in pain or anguish. We had no opportunity to help him and no warnings or cries for help. I saw him the last week of March and I even mentioned to my youngest sister that I thought he looked depressed. That was the only warning I had that he "looked" depressed. A week later he was gone. This has made me realize more than ever that every action has a re action. I can't continue living in an environment that is so sick dysfunctional. I can't continue to expose my youngest who is only 11 to this either. She is my main priority. I have a friend who has offered me a place to stay if I need one. I really don't want to go but I can't continue down this road. Life is too short and the atmosphere that you live in affects positively or negatively and it is time that I made one more attempt to get my husband to see what he is missing and what he is going to miss if we leave. I have told him many times that he should leave if he wants to drink because I don't want to live with the drinking. So now maybe I have to be the one to leave. I notice their is a live chat AA meeting here. Maybe I should try to get him to take a peek at that. Surely he couldn't object to something that is so much more anonomous that a local meeting around here where we know everyone at the meeting. Anyway. I am back to give this one more shot and if it doesn't work this time I am not fooling myself any more. Thanks again

Teresa

Serenity8

bluewombat, I think it is wonderful that you found yourself back here.

I am dealing with a similar situation, where my AH wants to completely isolate himself from the family, though in his case he smokes pot. My girls are 5 and 3, and I am trying to muster the courage to cut ties completely.

I've been going to al-anon meetings for a year and a half now and I highly recommend them, if you aren't going yet. Your children could go too, could understand that there is nothing they can do to stop their father from drinking. You didn't cause it, You can't control it, and you can't cure it.

It has taken me years to fully realize the depth of my husband's problems and I still have problems extracating myself from this dysfunctional situation. Al-anon has given me a network of real-life people I can call or email when I am feeling so down about the situation that I can't cope. I also come to this site, which has been wonderful too.

Wishing you peace and serenity...

nowinsituation

Teresa - I remember your story from before, and I have been wondering how you were doing. I'm sorry for the tragedy you have experienced with your brother. Life is truly too short. Please take care of yourself and your children. I understand the need to feel that you have done absolutely everything to save your husband and your relationship. It hurts to realize that we can't do it. But, we can move on knowing in our hearts that we did the best we possibly could. Good luck to you, and keep us posted.

Pajarito

(((((Teresa))))) I remember your story as well, although I don't know if I was officially a member of this forum then. I'm sorry about what happened with your brother. It must be very hard. I hope you will take care of yourself and your children. Al-anon is a great place for support- and I've heard al-ateen is as well. Someone on this site said something once that really hit me. . . I wish I could quote it perfectly, but I may not get it right: I can take the hard road waiting for someone else to open his eyes, or I can take the easy road and simply open mine. Something like that- I think you get the gist of it. I tried for years to make my AH open his eyes- I found him AA meetings, books, counselors. . . all a waste of time. I couldn't make him do anything. Why did I think I could? I found that all I can do is see the reality with new eyes. I shouldn't say it's easy- it's very hard. But over the 8 months he's been gone I have seen the reality with the help of friends, family, a great counselor, al-anon, and this forum. I am living with my dd (10 yrs) in a peaceful house without AHs chaos and laziness. I firmly believe she will be ok if I'm ok. I know for sure I am no longer exposing her to a very dysfunctional example of marriage. What would I want for her? Not what I was living. I want to set an example of strength for her. I work on that every day. It's not easy, but I know it can be done. Good luck to you.

Freedom1990

I can speak for both sides of the fence. As someone in recovery, I can honestly say we can't see what we are doing while active because it's too painful. We chemically alter our state of mind to escape.

As a former wife of an alcoholic, and now with two daughters who are alcoholic, I now know that I can't change their perception of reality, but must focus on my own recovery and do what is best for me.

baileyboop

It seems to me that A's hardly ever see it the way non-A's see it. It's almost like A's and Non A's live in parallel universes where the 2 rarely collide and agree as one. It is extremely unfortunate.

bluewombat

Last night he drank again. When I got home from work he wasn't too drunk yet so I tried to talk to him. I told him I didn't understand why he wasn't more concerned with what might happen if he continued down this path. I asked him what it would take for him to consider an AA meeting. I said you need professional help if you can't help yourself. He simply replied "I am not hurting anyone" I said you are handicapped if you are needed to go check out The Estate or if something happens and we have to unexpectedly leave the house without warning. I said "What is something happens or someone needs something? Your no help to anyone not even yourself" He said " I am not going to be needed anywhere, nothing is going to happen and I just want to relax and enjoy a few beers. I am not bothering anyone. You are the only one who has a problem with my drinking I am not going to stop and I am not going to go to any meetings" This conversation made me feel like I was truly talking to myself. I was clearly not impacting him with the fact that I am very close to ending our very dysfunctional realtionship. He seems secure in the idea that I am going to continue down the same road. I will come out and disturb him for a few minuits and then he can continue peacefully to drink himself into a stupor. He also smokes a lot of pot which I have not mentioned here previously because I have always felt that he didn't smoke enough to be a problem. Im sure the two combined is very seriously damaging his brain. All of which he denies. He Must have been one of those 18 packs that he usually gets because he was weaving around with an alarmingly unsteady gait (as usual) I hold my breath and shut my eyes when he gets to the stairs. I love this man so much that I truly need to feel like I have done everything that I can before closing the door on our relationship. Once I turn away I don't think I can ever go back. We have been together so long. 20 years and a lot of good memories. But these last 3 years have been a haze of drinking and smoking pot and that is all he cares about anymore. He doesn't care that his 19 year old asked him to stop. He doesn't care that his 11 year old has said she doesn't like the way he acts and she said "Daddy I don't like it when you drink" She recently had a friend overnight and He had been saying all week that he was drinking every day that week because of the upcoming friend would be around. He said "We are going to have a little girl in the house" I said "What about your little girl. Don't you care about her?" Imagine my shock and horror when the night of the sleepover came and he is at the "fire pit" on top of the hill drinking. This was especially bad because he had been really over doing it all week witht he pretense that he was going to stay sober for at least that one night. We bent over backwards trying to keep the two apart. When she and my daughter went upsairs I let him in to use the downstairs. When they went downstairs I let him upstairs. This man who usually spent his entire evening outside at the "pit" or out in the garage suddenly just HAD to be in the house. And how indignant he was too. He wad cranky and angry that we were treating him like he was a "pervert" I tried to explain to him that we didn't think he was going to be a pervert in anyway. I simply didn't want the girl to be witness anything that she would tell her parents about or any of the other children at school. Nothing I said would pacify him into cooperating peacefully about this. We had one of the worse weekends I have ever had to endure. My daughter had been looking forward to this for weeks and he couldn't think of someone other than himelf just ONE NIGHT. By the time the little girl left at noon the next day I had flue like sysmptoms that were very severe. I was a mess for 3 days. That was two weeks ago and nobody else has been sick. We bend over backwards trying to have a great special weekend for my youngest and he does everything in his power to detroy it and then to make it all about him. Why couln't he understand that a little girl doens't need to be exposed to a swaying drunk reeking of alcohol with a silly grin. Why couldn't he understand that his daughter doesn't need to be subjected to this. Or that he was setting his daughter up for everyone at school to find out that her father is a drunk. Clearly we can't plan anything like that again. No matter what he says we can't rely on him to help us out even one night. No matter that he had two weeks notice. Its like he is deliberately setting us up for gossip and ridicule. Sometimes he goes one or two days in a row without drinking. Re reading this before posting it does make me wonder just what it is that I love about him. I think I am holding on to memories and not to reality.