hmbld

Okay, so my recovering A's family is down, and they are trying to be respectful with regards to his sobriety, but I think they're going a bit over the top. My brother in-law is hiding his bottle (his bottle, not my A's). My Father in-law poured a glass of after dinner wine in to a coffee cup so as not to advertise he was having a glass of wine. I told them to stop being silly and that it makes things worse with all the sneaking around about it. My A doesn't expect other's to stop drinking, and it tends to annoy him that people are tip toeing around him.

Am I correct in feeling that it puts more stress and pressure on a recovering A with all the attention being given to the fact that my A has quit drinking?

BTW, Happy belated Thanksgiving to everyone. I do hope everyone was able to find something they were able to give thanks for. I gave thanks to all of you.

wraybear

i tend to agree with you. It always upsets my RAH more if/when our friends don't drink just because he is around. He doesn't want anyone to change their lifestyle.

I know early in my RAH's recovery he preferred to not be around alcohol. NOw, he doesn't care one way or the other (he is a little more than 2 years sober.)

Yes, hopefully it will get to a point where it is totally a non-issue, and your family will feel free to drink their wine out in the open.

Take care.

Kellye C

Speaking as an A, I would prefer that people not adjust their behavior on my behalf as it tends to make both sides uncomfortable. I feel I am the one with the addiction so therefore I have to take responsibility for my own actions and not expect others to change theirs. My view is do whatever you want just don't offer it to me. Also understand if I feel the need to remove myself from the situation.

Could your husband perhaps address it with them in a nonconfrontational way and explain that although he realizes that they mean well, that he would appreciate them not making a big deal about drinking in his presence?

I hope this helps and I hope you guys find a way to handle this that lets everyone be comfortable.

Take care and Happy Belated Thanksgiving!
Kellye

freya

I think it depends on the A. My personal policy around this in my house is that if a person is very new in recovery (first 3 months) I put away the alcohol and no one drinks. 3 mos. to a year, I ask the person how he/she feels about it and respect what he/she says. A year or more, unless someone were to let me know that he/she was having an especially hard time at the moment, I have alcohol available as appropriate for people who want to and can drink safely and responsibly. (BTW, I do also have a "house rule" that no one who I know has identified as an alcoholic and/or no one who has a pattern of behaving inappropriately in my house when he/she drinks can drink in my house.)

I think, for me, I would not feel comfortable to have people "hiding" things and playing those kind of games in my house......I'm a very honest and direct person and that kind of stuff just feels disturbing to me, regardless of the motives behind it.

freya

hmbld

I wouldn't go as far as saying they are "playing games", they're simply not really used to dealing with a recovering alcoholic and they feel that it's inappropriate to throw it in his face that they are drinking. There is absolutely no malice in what they are doing whatsoever. If I'd have requested no alcohol over the holidays, they'd have abided by that, but I specifically told them to bring wine, or whatever it is they wanted to drink. It would only disturb me if they had ill intentions, but they don't. They're all very wonderful, and supportive people.

hmbld

That is exactly how he feels, and he's said as much. But you know how it is. Everyone always feels like you're just saying that to make them feel comfortable and such. (with regards to it being okay for them to drink around you).

They've loosened up a little bit. I did tell them no more drinking wine out of coffee cups, as it is a blasphemy to pour a good wine to put it in a bad cup. lol

Kellye C

ROFL!!! Breaking the ice like you did and him talking to them I'm sure helped. The rest will come with time. At least you've addressed the elephant in the room so to speak.

Kellye

GiveLove

Very much depends on your perspective.

We have an alcoholic who is new to recovery in our circle. We choose to drink something other than alcohol when he's around. Not only is it done as an act of solidarity (and stated as such) but......just speaking of our situation.......we get a little tired of alcohol being treated in our culture as the essential element to having a good time (the verb "to party" has come to mean "to take some kind of mind-altering substance in a group"....no alcohol=no party). We love a good glass of wine as much as the next guy, but it's not the end of the world not to drink. I find it comforting to remind myself that from time to time.

Sounds like you have answered your own question - good luck to him and to you!

mamaplus2kids

When I visited my AH at his detox clinic, his counsellor gave me a list of "chemicals to avoid in recovery" and not to have them in the house upon his return home. On this list was alcohol, certain meds including codeine based substances, cough medicine, and alcohol containing mouthwash. She said to keep that stuff out of the house for at least 3 months to a year. The idea being that a "fresh" alcoholic in recovery will have cravings initially. These cravings are short lasting, but very powerful. They last less than 5 minutes. During such times, the alcoholic is to call his AA sponsor and/or meditate until the craving goes away. If there is alcohol nearby during this difficult time, it makes the battle all the more difficult.

My AH was also told to stay away from drinkers and bars for at least 3 months to a year. I think as an act of solidarity, it is appropriate and necessary to declare that the alcoholic in recovery's home stays alcohol free for a certain amount of time. Sometimes this kind of rule is difficult to enforce when the family at large has a hard time giving up alcohol at holiday events. I concur with GiveLove that I am tired of alcohol being such a crucial element to any gathering. If a loving family can't give up alcohol during family gatherings for at least 1 year, then there's a problem with the family. I also think that if the family is having to hide its drinking in order to be supportive... they could be more supportive by not drinking at all for a period of time around the person who is going through the early stages of recovery. The only other option is for the person in recovery to avoid drinking family members for at least one year.

mamaplus2kids

I have to add: that I did not allow my AH to come home from the clinic because he was not able to confront his demons. He has a major problem with honesty and a sexual addiction... something that prevents me from trusting him. Had he come home, I would been forced to ask my mother not to come stay with me for a year... something that would have been very difficult. I know she has to have her glass of wine. As he never came home, I luckily did not have to make such a drastic rule.

Now, when she comes to visit me, she drinks moderately, never getting drunk. I have also learned to set some boundaries that have made her visits completely sane and wonderful. One of those boundaries "was no drinking to excess" and "no harsh words at anyone" and "no getting involved in my business". She respects those rules and her last visit here was really nice. As it was, she drank less than ever before. I felt no stress. If anything, she was helpful and pleasant.

It wasn't easy, but last year, after an argument with my brother on the telephone, my mother reached for the schnapps bottle in the freezer. I said: "I will not have this kind of alcoholic drinking in my house." She responded: "Ahh.... stop with your Al Anon talk." I responded that it was my house, my rules. If she did it again, she would have to pack her bags and leave. She broke down in tears and told me that she worried for my brother's safety (he's a pilot); she also shared a lot of her feelings with me... which was really nice. She never drank like that again in my house. I was surprised by my courage to confront her and that confronting her worked.

miss communicat

my guess is this situation will resolve itself in time without intervention on anybody's behalf. i'd turn it over to everyone else's higher powers and enjoy myself this holiday season.

your newly recovering husband is learning alot about the consequences ohis drinking has had on others from now being on the other side of a drinking situation with family members. he will learn how to communicate his feelings to you and to them in time. its all part of the recovery process.

you and the other family members are learning to trust the process. this, too, takes time. keep remembering that you can't cause, control or change another's drining or anothers' response to someones' sobriety.

Mr. Christian

I know many in recovery that do not care what you do around them.
Lets look at it this way.
If it was the case , you could never go out to eat or any where in public where someone might and will drink.

hmbld

See, my take on the situation, is that by forcing other's (who don't have a drinking problem) in to changing their traditions, habits etc.. is just another form of putting the alcoholic above all other's, which I feel is counter to what should be happening. I personally feel that I've sacrificed enough of my life when he was actively drinking. I absolutely refuse to revolve my traditions and habits around him any longer. Not that he asking me to, it's just the principle of it all, and the suggestions from some that feel that one should do just that. It's not like everyone is whooping it up, partying til they puke. Not everyone who consumes alcohol does so to become intoxicated.

I could see it being disrespectful if those around him who were drinking, were to make comments such as "oh man, sucks you can't drink anymore" or "no more fun for you". Those type of comments have been said, and we simply don't associate with those type of people anymore. Who wants to associate with anyone that rude and inconsiderate ya know?

Consideration works both ways, and I'm hoping we've struck a decent balance.