Sophia57

Hi
Back again today. I've spent most of the day in work reading posts on here to try to help myself.

We have a work do this evening, that I should be looking forward to. No partners, just a nice dinner. But as I explained yesterday, I can't detach enough from my RAH and his problems to let myself relax enough. I'm not looking for a quick fix, just I suppose if I write about it it might help me.

I went home at lunchtime to give him the car as he's working tonight...and he looks like crap. White-faced, thin-lipped, anger at the world barely controlled. He was civil to me, that's about all I can say. He'd spent the morning in a frenzy of household activity which he does when he's really off the wall and regaled me with how he was going to take on various bosses over various slights when he got into work.

Mostly I stayed dumb...I've realised that when he's like this anything I say is wrong. then he'll accuse me of disapproving or not caring about him. Talk about manipulation.

Unfortunately I agreed to have him pick me up after the dinner as its on his way home - this was last night after he apologised for exploding at me cos the house was 'filthy'. I wish I hadn't agreed now cos I'm dreading the journey home with him - it puts a damper on the whole evening.

This is crazy, insanity. Why am I giving him so much headspace and feeling so bad?

It hurt when he said goodbye that he didnt even say 'have a nice time' - guess it's all about him, I'm not on his radar except as a verbal punching bag at the moment.

I know i'm sitting on the pity pot - and I want off!! Anyone got any tips to help me forget him for a few hours?? The real work will take much much longer, I know.

Thanks for your patience again
S

SaTiT

It might sound stupid but you can try cleaning house.

Not sure how much of a funk you're in...but I've been there.

Try cleaning out your junk draws, the closet, or any simple thing
that you havn't none for yourself.

Notice, you will get tired or go into a mind trip just thinking
about what to keep or what to throw away. Even if you do
decide to throw something away that's taking up space in the
closet that you havn't use in years...there will be a resistence.

Maybe you can use that as a steping stone to process your
emotions or use those excercises in learning how to let go.

Thats what i did...I went round and round in circles for
weeks ans wouldn't pack or gather any of my belongings.
I notice I put my life on hold just in my hobbies alone.

Just looking at it or thinking about it made me tired.
I also notice a part of me wanted so much to pack.
But my body didn't want to cooperate with my brain
and my brain didn't want to co-operate with my soul.
i set and cried for hours becuase i couldn't froce myself to.

Some people might think it's strange..but that's my experince
with co dependency. I felt powerless over everything.

if you transfer that to dealing with my Agf or the person...
it's exectly just like that but a 100 times worst.
i had a more emotional attachment to her than things.

i made little changes...anything..anything helped.
i had to start somewhere and i was in a big rut so
i had to put one foot in front of the other to get out.

Alki has PAWs...i just had the loonies.lol

maybe one of these days the experts will do a study on codies
and come up with a better term.

i hope you get well.

lostnfound1961

The serenity prayer helps.

God grant me the serenity to Accept the things I can not change, The courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Say it to your self over and over and realy listen to what it is saying. Take some slow deep breaths and then think of what you would be doing if he was not part of your life. Where would you be right now? What are things you want to do? See your self doing them.

I hope that helps. It helps me.
Hugs
D

Sophia57

Thank you

That's spooky - I'm in work and I just suddenly started tidying my office, moving boxes and clearing rubbish that's sat there for yonks (bit like my brain) and would you believe it, I feel a bit better, a bit lighter.

I suppose you have to try to get your mind out of the groove it's stuck in, like a broken record and maybe moving and doing physical stuff helps.

I'm going home now to change into a nice new outfit, walk the dog and get the train to the restaurant. I thinks if he rings I might not answer, as his rantings will just bring me down agin..or should I say I'll probably allow them to. I find it hard not to answer the phone to him, he rings 3 - 4 times a day, and I never know what his mood will be.
I do today.

I understand what you say about feeling powerless - it's like you're swamped, drowning in their misery and you can't make it better for you or them.

Thanks again
S

NoChoice

Boundaries! All about the Big Boundaries! You do have the right to change you mind too about the ride home provided you can get another ride. Give him to God, go get all dressed up in your new clothes and have a wonderful time being the person that you are independent of all the racket you have to deal with at home! Have fun. Oh, you don't have to answer the phone either...

keepingmyjoy

When I was with my AH, I felt the same way. Since he could not drive, he was always home waiting for me. I dreaded the drive home wondering what kind of mood he would be in and how drunk would he be etc. And yes, it was always about him...."I never go anywhere" and the sarcastic "Well, I hope you had a good time".

For me, I had to decide ahead of time that I was going to go and not think about him while I was gone. And when it came to going home, I would start to obsess and then tell myself, "no, you do not need to do this, it is ok that I went and did (this or that)".

I agree with NoChoice too....boundaries! I hope you have a good time, no matter what comes your way, because you DESERVE it.

Hugs.

SaTiT

it just takes time and energy to change, but being so warn
out and foggy from the drama and chaos. I was bascailly burnt out.

Just getting a good night rest and sleep made a big changed,
but it's difficult at times becuase my mind would obsess or worry.

I notice at first..i pretty much moved a pile from one coner to the
other just like my mind.lol

i just needed to know that i was okay for being wacked at that time
and accepting that I was in a fog. once I did that, there was a light
shining in my mind and some stupid reason I'll open the window or
leave my door open to let sunlight and fresh air too.

gradually as I clean up one coner at a time. My living enviorment became
cleaner and clearer. therefore making it easier for me to relax and think
clearer.

Then I'll remember times in my life when everything in my life was
cleaer, clean and neat. i remember that's how it was when i was single.
There were structure in my life. I'm ex-military so that was helpful for me.
I remember having to have my room spotless, spotless.
I had to buff the door knob and wipe the top of the door seem
to my dorm room for god sake. Anything and everything was
done with perfection right down to the way i fold my sock.lol
I wasn't always dsyfuntional. There's alot of activities in my life
that required self decipline and focus. I think this is where one
must take an inventory of one self, to remember those tings.
I bascailly knew how to take care of myself and was responsible
for my actions becuase if i goof..i get the double jeapordy
from the usaf regulations and the civilain's law.lol

Living with my gf..was nothing compair to the military
it's relatively simple and easy to pick up my own mess. becuase
i didn't make a big ass mess all de time. yes, i made messes in my life,
but I had to power to correct them...
You know, if you want something done right you gotta do it yourself.
I didn't have a problem with that...i just put my life on hold becuase
I became too busy picking up someone else's mess all the time.
Of course not...i didn't plan or foreseen that my gf would relapsed.
i love her and i became emotionally attached to her..which is something
someone would appricate in any relationship. But alcohilsm was dsytroying
her and dystroying me

I remember being well. The way i'm cleaning house now is nothing
close to how i use to clean house when i was in the military.
I remember letting people go and telling them "NO" without guilt.
I remeber i wouldn't though or hang out with certain people becuase
i knew it wasn't healthy for me.

Not obsessing on my gf like i use too
I'm remembering about me more and more each day.

Mr. Christian

How about hitting some meetings?
It's a great way to spend some time with people who know where you are coming from.
Oh, and working on YOU there helps alot also.

Sophia57

Thanks so much, everyone. Just to let you know I managed to push him out of my mind for a few hours and enjoy the evening.(With your help)

As for the ride home, I had pronised another girl we would drop her off, wasn't sure how he would be with that but with anyone around he's 'mr,charming, pleasant, loving husband' - so there were no probs.

I have to figure out what my boundaries are...if I make a starter list can I post it on here for people's thoughts? Would that be ok?

It was great to feel 'normal' for a few hours, tho hard to hear other women talking about their husbands and how they treat them so well and so on. Maybe I have to kiil at my expectations - I'm only new to marriage (4 years)and don't have a clue about it really.

I know my man must have more issues than alcoholism with 15 straight sobriety, but he vehemently denies any. He has NO serenity, despite going to AA a few times a week and reading daily.

I think I need to find out about marriage works, or doesn't, I didnt put enough thought into the 'ever-after'

Thanks to all again