Help...He's back

Old 11-22-2007, 03:52 PM
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Help...He's back

Hi Everyone
It's been a very long time since I last posted and had hoped I wouldn't need to return...foolishly !
I would appreciate some ideas from you as to how I should deal with the following problem.
I eventually got my AH to leave our house in February after living separate lives for 6 months.The spilt was fairly amicable however he hasn't been able to accept that I will never take him back. He vowed to prove that he could get off the booze..all of the things that he thought I wanted to hear...all of course utter rubbish.
Anyway to cut a very long story short..He lost his job a few months ago due to problems created through the alcohol and at the same time was evicted from the property that he was renting.

He subsequently moved to be closer to his family which is 250 miles from here...a HUGE sigh of relief that somebody else would have to take him on....Sadly not to be, as 3 weeks later and he's back. His family have also washed their hands of him from what I can make out, as his mother gave him £1000 to help him out and he spent half of it in a week !

So he's now back with nobody for support other than me and my children, no family or friends to speak of.
Hes now staying in a Guest House with very little money, probably enough for another week...and then ??????
I am desperate ...what in earth do I do, this man is abusing my good nature and playing the sympathy cards. It's only a matter of days before he will truly be homeless and begging me to give him a roof over his head.

I really don't want to go back there...it's been 10 very long years of him lying and getting me into thousands of pounds of debt. I know that if I offer to put him up even for just one night I will never get rid of him again ...I feel all the negativity that I had started to shed creeping back in.
Please somebody tell me what I should do, I do not have the finances to help him and since he left my daughter and her 2 little children have moved in with me. I really do not want them to be exposed to this situation.

I have been firm and told him that he will never be welcome back into my home or my life, but it just doesn't seem to register with him, he still calls me 2-3 times a day.
HELP !
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Old 11-22-2007, 04:12 PM
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Nothing.

Do nothing.

The best gift we can give to an active alcoholic is the gift of surrender. Ours....

He wont change til he hurts bad enough to want to.

Give him the gift of "wanting to" by doing nothing.
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Old 11-22-2007, 04:43 PM
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I'd recommend not talking to him anymore. Apparently your words aren't registering with him so don't waste your breath anymore. Do you have caller ID on the phone? don't answer it when it's him calling. No caller ID? get an old fashioned answering machine that lets you hear who's leaving a message, and screen ALL your calls this way. Don't pick up if it's him. Don't talk to him. Don't give him any money. Don't give him any reason to think he might get money or shelter or food or even sympathy from you. No contact at all is probably best since he doesn't believe you when you say No.

Give him Nothing. Not even the time of day. Anything he gets from you, anything at all, even just your listening to him, will give him hope.

Stay strong! we're rooting for you.
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Old 11-22-2007, 04:59 PM
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The only reason he is truly “BACK”, is because you are letting him back into your life.


You have the control overt this and the last word.

There is no reason for contact. Getting rid of any legal ties is your best bet.
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Old 11-22-2007, 05:00 PM
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When I wavered between putting up with my XABF's alcoholic antics or saying enough is enough, there was one thought that really swayed my decision and it is just like you said ...

"I really do not want them to be exposed to this situation."

I thought of my daughter, who really liked my XABF, yet didn't know the full extent of his verbal abusive and addiction. Our relationship was at the pivotal point where R would become part of my family, and the thought of him treating me poorly, possibly treating my family poorly was just intolerable. Yes, I thought about myself as well, but in total my family deserved better.

If you don't do it for yourself, think of your daughter and grandbabies.
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Old 11-23-2007, 02:22 AM
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Thankyou so much to all of you, your words are what I just needed to hear.
I know what needs to be done...it's just being able to put it into action that I find difficult, turning my back on anyone in need is soooo allien to me.
I am trying to stay blinkered and remind myself of the awful things hes done to us...the one that hurts the most is when he emptied my young son's bank account one week after he had died !!!...That should be enough to stay strong and draw the strength that is needed.

I really appreciate your understanding and send you all my love xx
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Old 11-23-2007, 03:46 AM
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There is not a thing you have to do, he's bottoming out so let him. This is all of his own making.

Ngaire


Originally Posted by unstablelady View Post
Hi Everyone
It's been a very long time since I last posted and had hoped I wouldn't need to return...foolishly !
I would appreciate some ideas from you as to how I should deal with the following problem.
I eventually got my AH to leave our house in February after living separate lives for 6 months.The spilt was fairly amicable however he hasn't been able to accept that I will never take him back. He vowed to prove that he could get off the booze..all of the things that he thought I wanted to hear...all of course utter rubbish.
Anyway to cut a very long story short..He lost his job a few months ago due to problems created through the alcohol and at the same time was evicted from the property that he was renting.

He subsequently moved to be closer to his family which is 250 miles from here...a HUGE sigh of relief that somebody else would have to take him on....Sadly not to be, as 3 weeks later and he's back. His family have also washed their hands of him from what I can make out, as his mother gave him £1000 to help him out and he spent half of it in a week !

So he's now back with nobody for support other than me and my children, no family or friends to speak of.
Hes now staying in a Guest House with very little money, probably enough for another week...and then ??????
I am desperate ...what in earth do I do, this man is abusing my good nature and playing the sympathy cards. It's only a matter of days before he will truly be homeless and begging me to give him a roof over his head.

I really don't want to go back there...it's been 10 very long years of him lying and getting me into thousands of pounds of debt. I know that if I offer to put him up even for just one night I will never get rid of him again ...I feel all the negativity that I had started to shed creeping back in.
Please somebody tell me what I should do, I do not have the finances to help him and since he left my daughter and her 2 little children have moved in with me. I really do not want them to be exposed to this situation.

I have been firm and told him that he will never be welcome back into my home or my life, but it just doesn't seem to register with him, he still calls me 2-3 times a day.
HELP !
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Old 11-23-2007, 03:53 AM
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Ann
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So he's now back with nobody for support other than me and my children, no family or friends to speak of.
So may times I see "us" as their only option. That's an illusion, it was for me and it is for any of us. We are NOT their only option...just maybe the only option that will let them continue and have a soft place to fall.

Other options are detox, rehab (the Salvation Army programs are free), a men's hostel where there are counselors who will help those who want help, and 3 hot meals a day and a safe, clean place to sleep...there are many options that do not include us.

My son used me as his "only option" too many times, and I only eliminated myself from the choices when I could no longer tolerate the chaos that came with letting anyone active in their addiction live in my home.

No guilt, there are many better choices out there if they are willing to reach out. If they are not willing, then living with "us" will only bring their hell into our home.

My prayers go out for you, I know this is hard.

Hugs
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