rock-hardplace

(I also posted this in the 'Recovery' section but maybe it's better off here?)

My AH recently spent 54 days in a treatment center and has been home for 21, so 75 days sober - great! But it's been a little... strange... here. When he first came home, he was moody, said he couldn't talk to me because I 'didn't understand' and was in contact with his rehab friends constantly. Said he couldn't relate to anyone that wasn't an addict. I had no problems with that and just tried to stay out of his hair. Anytime I tried to relate to him on any level that I COULD understand, I just got shot down ('oh, that's not even the same thing, you have no idea, etc.). So I stopped making comments, but then he seemed to get upset when I didn't really say anything.

I knew he wasn't going to come home all perfect and a new man. I knew it was going to be a struggle for him, considering he almost died when he was detoxing. Considering that they were surprised that he was still alive and that had he continued the way he was going, he would have been dead within the next year.

I wasn't able to go to the spouse program the center offers because we have a 3 year old at home and no one else to look after her for a week. So I spend time online and forums like this. I can't get to Al-Anon meetings as, well, there aren't very many and my AH usually has the truck so I'm stuck home. Also - the 3 year old. So again, spend some time on Al-Anon online forums. They have been a godsend.

And yet, I'm just not sure if I'm doing the right thing here. I've been going on with life, taking care of me and my daughter and the household and dinners and work and finances and my hobbies (which luckily I can do at home) - all the stuff I've always done. I listen when he talks, which lately is usually about how great things are at work. On the occasion, he'll read to me from the BB or his daily meditations (which I have been reading myself) and I listen. I can't offer advice so I don't. I do, on occasion, ask him about how his maintenance program is going (he's falling behind on some of the tasks) but then feel guilty because he knows where he's at and doesn't need me to remind him. I just see him acting the same way he was before, only now he's sober and I guess I feel the need to give him a little 'push'. Not that it makes a bit of difference, so I've been really trying to bite my tongue. I'm supposed to let him take care of him, or am I? I offer suggestions to friends when they are going through troubling times, but am I not supposed to offer the same suggestions to him?

I look at his maintenance program and he's not following through with most of the items (3 AA meetings/week (he only went to one last week), finding a sponsor (hasn't yet), continuing with his Step work - he finished Step 5 at the center but that's been it, cleaning up after himself (ha!), etc.). He has been going to his weekly monitoring and conversing with his friends on a daily basis and working out, so he is doing something. He's lost a bunch of weight and feels really good about the way he looks. Work is cutting into his time - he's been working 11 hour days occasionally, so I know that has something to do with it.

He actually said on one occasion that he wished I was an addict so I could understand. He says he's not ready to work on our relationship yet because his sobriety comes first. I wholeheartedly agree and don't pressure him to take care of me (although after so many years of neglect, it will be nice). I realize that he's just trying to stay alive right now and my marriage needs will have to be put on the backburner. Is that right?

He accused me at one point in the beginning that I was just carrying on as though 'nothing had happened'. Well, what am I supposed to do? Rehash the past? What good would that do? He did his Step 4, he knows what he's done. I hold no resentment (okay, maybe a teensy bit on occasion, but I get over it). I'm happy with life, or at least, I try daily to be. I am grateful. I just wish he could find the same. I know he's struggling and I know (think?) that there's really nothing I can do for him.

We take each day as it comes. We're polite. There is little to no affection whatsoever. No sex (hasn't been for, oh, half a year now? as he was drunk every day) although he does hint at it every so often (is it wrong of me to start a little slower? because I'm not ready for sex yet - I don't even know who he is and would like us to get to know each other again first). He's emotionally flat, except when our daughter or his friends are involved. When they call, his face lights up, his voice is animated. I don't get that for me. I asked him at one point if he even likes me! because he sure wasn't acting like it. More like he was tolerating me. But he said he loves me (or he thinks he loves me) and I dropped it. I don't want to be a harpy while he's got so much else on his mind.

I don't really know where I'm going with this. I guess I just want to know if I should be doing more or if I should continue letting him do his thing, stay out of his hair and hope that our marriage is strong enough to wait to be worked on at a later date. Our 14th anniversary is coming up next month, as is Christmas, and I have no idea what to expect from him for either. It's just weird and I need to know that I'm on the right track. I usually read through the forums but rarely post, so I'm putting this out there now so I can let it go!

If you made it this far - thanks so much!

Rock

mushroom

Wow. Pretty heavy stuff you're going through. My marriage did not survive any of that, he never got sober long enough, so little I can tell you from personal experience.

You are right that he will not be a new man any time soon, and he is right that you have nothing to offer to help him through this. We really can't understand what they're going through, and any time we think we do it just shows how little we understand the reality of their situation. Best to let him alone.

He's a different person now than what you remember him being. That's what recovery is supposed to do, so hang in there. It's also a really slow and painful process and you can't help him with it. No, you can't. Sure, you'd offer advice to friends in bad situations but this is an entire order of magnitude different from anything else. Your help doesn't help him. You can't remind him to go to meetings. You can't push him to get a sponsor. You can't remind him to work his steps. You can, however, insist that he do his share around the house. You mention that he is supposed to pick up after himself, and yes you can make him do that.

Acting like nothing happened is not helping him, as the old relationship you two had was not a healthy one. What to do now, I have no idea. My marriage never got to this stage. You can be supportive, and you can give him his space, and you can avoid monitoring him, and you can be patient. You do not have to do any of this if it's just too much for you. You can leave if you want to. You can always come back later once he's further along. You do not have to pretend to be husband and wife if you stay - separate bedrooms might be a great idea at this point in time, if he's emotionally flat with you. You're allowed to take that personally, and step back from the relationship, sounds like you'd just be following his lead.

You can ask him what is reasonable for you to expect from him, anniversary and Xmas wise. Don't put spousal expectations on him, but do not treat him with kid gloves either. Yes he's fragile right now, but you still have rights as a human being, and if he can't deal with that right now then it's not reasonable for him to expect you to live with that. Sounds like a roommate type relationship might be best for you both right now. Roommates discuss expectations and conflicts, and they don't share beds!

harleygirl92156

I went through the same thing with my hubby, with the exception of I had just found out about infidelity within days of him returning home from the treatment center, so to say the least our first year following his recovery was rocky.

I figured out I could not relate to my husbands pain surrounding his drinking, just as he couldn't relate to my pain of living with an alcoholic. Therefore, I started asking questions about aspects of recovery so I could learn and understand more.

I didn't ask how many meetings he was going to, if he talked to his sponsor, or anything like that. I ask questions like, "what is the difference between religion and spirituality?" or "what was your meeting topic, oh, humility, can you explain that to me so I can understand it, I really don't have a handle on that" or "I have a situation at work that I think I could work better if I could figure out how to let it go, can you give me some tips or advice on how to do that as I know it is something you do in your program."

No I don't know about your husband, but mine felt very comfortable talking about things he understood and he understood recovery. My questions would lead him into discussions and helped us learn in a safe way how each other felt and he was able to be helpful and I was able to learn, but the main thing was we were leaning to communicate in a healthy way again.

Just a suggestion as it worked for me. Each person is different and your husband might not respond as mine did, but anything is worth a try.

Also, working on the relationship will come. I can say it took a good year or more for us to begin healing our relationship and it wasn't something that happened over night.

rock-hardplace

Thanks so much for your replies. It helps just to get it all out on paper (or in this case, pixels) and when I do, I can let it go instead of dwelling on it all. Then to read your comments and suggestions just reminds me that I'm not alone in this, which makes a HUGE difference.

I do think I'm on the right track, but I am handling him with kid gloves a bit (I leave his dishes out until I can't stand it anymore and clean them up), so maybe we can have a discussion where I casually ask him to pick up after himself (his clothes are seriously strewn throughout the bedroom). In the past when I'd ask him to do such a thing, he'd harp on about how he worked full-time and I only work part-time (plus look after our three-year old plus all the household stuff so please, I think that qualifies as full-time as well!!) and that I should just do it all. We'll see how far I get now!

Harleygirl - he does talk about some of his new friends, the Big Book, what he learned in treatment (he talks quite a bit about that). I try not to ask too many questions but I do ask the kind of things you did. We talk a lot about work. So we do talk, it's just unemotional chit chat.

We don't talk about love or the future and I don't expect to yet. We rarely hug. At first, I thought it was because he was nervous about how I would react (he thought I wasn't going to let him move back home even though I gave him no indication of such a thing), so I came forward a couple times to give him a hug but he tends not to do it on his own, so I sort of stopped too. We've accidentally kissed goodbye, more out of habit than anything. Everything just seems so awkward. And lonely. I realize it will be this way for a while, but I sure wish I had a crystal ball I could look into that could tell me if I'm wasting my time or not! Oh, I know - I am growing as a person despite all of this and it's never a waste of time - but you know what I mean!

I'm generally happy about my life. It is hard to maintain a sense of calm when you know someone near to you is struggling and there's nothing you can do for them - I almost feel guilty being happy while he's suffering. Last night, he said that little voice was telling him to just drink and who cares if he dies (he went to a work function at a brew pub which is crazy but who am I to say so?), then he realized how crazy that sounded (so at least he's listening to the right voice now, even if the wrong one gets loud at times) and got the heck out of there.

How is your relationship now? Are things better? I often read about couple who made it through the storm, but more often than not, they don't get that far.

Thanks again, both of you. It really helps just to 'talk' this all out.

Rock