Attended 1st Al Anon Meeting

Old 11-20-2007, 09:56 PM
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Attended 1st Al Anon Meeting

That about sums it up. I don't think I'll be going back. I really wanted it to be something I could utilize, but it's just not for me.

I was VERY uncomfortable. It was a very small group. Seven ladies including myself. I think part of my dislike stems from the idea that it sounds like it's going to be very repetitive. Read the same things meeting after meeting after meeting.

After listening to everyone share, I think I'm doing pretty good with what I'm doing, and I'm comfortable with that. I'm going to a counselor twice a month, I visit with my priest on a regular basis, and have a very strong support group around me. I attend daily mass at least three times a week in addition to Sunday Mass every week. My faith life is VERY strong, and I have drawn deeply from that well and it has been my rock. I also decided to sign up for this forum and I think it's a good fit for me. I haven't been around much to contribute yet, but I have been reading posts and stickys daily.

I'm interested in other people who have come away from Al Anon and didn't like it. What else have you replaced it with? What's working for you?
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Old 11-21-2007, 05:27 AM
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Sounds like you feel the way I and pretty much everyone does after their 1st meeting.
You need to try more and different types.


You know I cane from a strong Catholic upbringing and it does not matter how much faith you really have, this is a whole different ball game.

It reads here that you are looking for those who have felt the same. Kind of sounds like you want validation for how you feel.
IMHO.

I say give some bigger group meetings a chance.
I wise elder there once said to me.

“ What do you have to loose? If after 3 months you feel the same way, your misery will be refunded."
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Old 11-21-2007, 05:57 AM
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DITTO! What Mr. C said!

I felt the same way after my first meeting-I was closed to the idea of going in the first place so I really did not give it a chance and pretty much had the attitude of "I do not need this and it is not for me" I wanted "Validation" right away and wanted all the ugly out of me at the first meeting! My expectations were very high and I was let down-

I thank myself, my counselor and SR for pushing me with the idea to go back!

I'm glad that I did....I went back and kept going and kept going and it worked! It is working because I work it! I'm grateful for Al-Anon! It let's me know that I'm not alone and was never alone when I was a child-that is a good validation as I move on to my new life! MY LIFE!

When we learned how to ride a bike it was frustrating right? We got back up when we fell-and kept doing it over and over until it became easy! I know with me I said nah this is too much work for me I'm not getting it-it is not for me-but I was given that nudge from my Dad god rest his soul-and so glad that he did! I got right back up and rode that bike down our driveway and it WORKED! Because I worked it!
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Old 11-21-2007, 08:20 AM
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I was also VERY uncomfortable. I think I knew on a gut level it meant digging deep and making changes in myself.

It's not for everyone. It's changed my life.
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Old 11-21-2007, 08:53 AM
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I felt the same way when I went to my 1st meeting... I wanted to talk about my ABF... and after the meeting one of the ladies pulled me aside and said this is a program about you... not about him... it is to help you find you. I think you should give it one more try. They say that you should go to 6 meeting before you deside if you want to continue. I have found a meeting that is small ( about 5 people) and most of them are older then me and I feel that they have lots of information that will help me.

I hope you give this another try.
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Old 11-21-2007, 09:09 AM
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I have not gone to any AlAnon meetings. For me the route I've taken involved lots of reading, individual therapy and self examination. My route requires a desire to be brutally honest with myself, something that doesn't work for everyone.
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Old 11-21-2007, 09:43 AM
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I went to my first AlAnon meeting in 1990 at age 29. Despite the fact that I cried through most of it and knew in the deepest recesses of my mind that I belonged there, I left thinking it was a freak-show. Haughty or holier-than-thou denial is my default coping skill for FEAR. I will say that that particular group did not prove to be where I felt the most comfortable. It took going to 3-4 more different groups to find where I felt like I was part of the "tribe".
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Old 11-21-2007, 01:53 PM
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I remember thinking "why would I work the 12 steps when I am not the addict?"
After going back to the mtg. that was just right for me over and over I now know that the steps can be worked in all my affairs and all my relationships are better bec I did the work. The collective wisdom of a group can be awesome. It made me a better listener. If you choose never to go back you might want to order some Al-Anon books and gain what you can from reading.
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Old 11-21-2007, 02:23 PM
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Originally Posted by Barbara52 View Post
For me the route I've taken involved lots of reading, individual therapy and self examination. My route requires a desire to be brutally honest with myself, something that doesn't work for everyone.
I guess after attending the meeting this how I feel. I too, have been doing lots of reading and, as I said in my original post, am seeing a counselor (individual, not marriage) and with the support I have around me and also utilizing spiritual counseling with my priest, I have been brutally honest with myself.

I know what I'm doing that is wrong, and I have a pretty good sense of what I'm doing that is right. As I research and read, I am finding different ways to approach my situation. Some work, some don't. I have, through the advice of my counselor begun to take better care of myself, and believe me that in itself has made a huge difference in how I feel and how I deal with my life. I think I was also feeling a sense of redundancy with the Al Anon meeting as well.

I know Al Anon works wonders for many many people. There is absolutely no denying that fact. As I said in my post, I really wanted this to be something I could utilize, but with the strong discomfort I felt, I don't believe attending more meetings is going to change that. I live in a small community, and the attendees are not going to vary from one meeting to the next by much. The ladies at the meeting I attended all indicated they also attend the other meetings during the week.

I really appreciate everyones input and advice. I wish I felt different, but I do know myself good enough to know, no number of meetings is going to make me feel different. I might see if the library has the Al Anon books so I can see if I might be interested purchasing them.

I continue to welcome input and advice. That's why I'm here. It's just as much a part of what I'm doing as anything else. I may not be able to see you all face to face, and I understand that is a very strong component of Al Anon, but I know what you have to say has worth and I value it greatly!
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Old 11-21-2007, 03:24 PM
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I went to my first Al-Anon meeting last January in the depths of despair. I walked in and everyone looked so happy and properous and self assured. It was a speaker meeting and I cried the whole way through but the speaker's story resonated with me. I looked at the literature and grabbed all the pamphlets I could find. A nice woman talked to me afterwards, gave me a hug and her phone number.

I walked out feeling like there was hope for me after all. I still go to that speaker meeting often and I still cry most times but I have learned SO MUCH from the meetings. I also got a sponsor and finally began connecting with her.

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Old 11-21-2007, 05:41 PM
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First meetings seem to be met with large dissapointment. I can't say I know anyone who attended their first meeting without feeling uncomfortable.

What were your expectations for al-anon? If you left feeling like there was nothing for you to utilize, I'd say you need to attend more meetings. You can't fully judge what al-anon has to offer you based on one meeting.

I got allot out of al-anon even though I never really worked the steps. I gained insight into myself from many books from al-anon. I never really worked with a sponsor, that was not for me. I did gain friends, people going through very similiar situations that I was. No matter how much I talked with a counselor, prayed or went to church it was not the same to be able to open up to someone living the same life I was only in a different house.

This site has been a wonderful place to come and vent, share and gain insight and knowledge about addiction. I also looked into my codependency something I never understood I had but it goes hand N hand with alcoholism. Once I understood that about myself and accepted it, I was able to change for me.

I attend al-anon every once in a while now and at almost every meeting I see a new member who was just like me, looking for the magical way to gain control over there alcoholic and get them to stop.

I've learned, it's not about that at all, it's about me, for me and helping me with making healthy decisions for myself through out life.
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Old 11-21-2007, 07:09 PM
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Originally Posted by Barbara52 View Post
I have not gone to any AlAnon meetings. For me the route I've taken involved lots of reading, individual therapy and self examination. My route requires a desire to be brutally honest with myself, something that doesn't work for everyone.
Hi Barbara:

I believe that the most difficult thing for human beings to do is to be completely honest with themselves and others. Imagine if it were easy what a wonderful world we would be living in.
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Old 11-21-2007, 08:00 PM
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Originally Posted by ccirider View Post
Hi Barbara:

I believe that the most difficult thing for human beings to do is to be completely honest with themselves and others. Imagine if it were easy what a wonderful world we would be living in.

Self honesty would indeed lead to a wonderful world.

Its very hard to be truly honest with oneself about painful issues. Its not easy to look at oneself and see things that are not conducive to a healthy life. That's one reason I have a therapy session now and then, to help me find ways past blockages.
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Old 11-22-2007, 03:51 AM
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DeLynn ~ there are lots of paths to the same end! If it's possible for you to try another group (and it doesn't seem like it is), give it a try. I do meetings, counseling and have taken Barbara's route. While I do like the sense of comraderie at meetings, I have to say my greatest successes have come from reading, self examination, and opening up to/listening to my HP.
Some people are just not comfortable with the meeting format. Some people aren't ready for them, or aren't able to get to them. Do what you can, and what feels best for you. You may find yourself wanting to get to a meeting again down the road, and thats okay, too. This is a great place to come to stay in touch with others who care and understand, to benefit from experience, and to share what you need to share. Take what you need, and leave the rest. But keep yourself open to where your HP leads you!
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Old 11-22-2007, 10:45 AM
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Originally Posted by guineapigjude View Post
If it's possible for you to try another group (and it doesn't seem like it is), give it a try. I do meetings, counseling and have taken Barbara's route.
Another factor I have in attending other meetings, in addition to what I have already stated, is my 5 YO DD and what to do with her. Can't leave her with my hubby! The trust is not there right now. The other meetings I can attend are in the evenings. But the overlying factor I have is what I said previously, I'm just not "feeling" it.

I totally understand the validation and support you have from the other members, I just didn't feel ANY connection to the members I encountered. I know what I'm going to get with that statement, that I'm not giving them the chance if I base my judgement on my first impression. That's probably true. I truly do wish I had a larger population base to draw from so the Al Anon community would be a little larger. You know, a bigger pool. Going to another town is out of the question as well. The next town over is only 3000 population and no Al Anon. The next town with meetings is 90 miles away! So, I'm stuck with what I can find here.

I have to say my greatest successes have come from reading, self examination, and opening up to/listening to my HP.
Boy God and I had some encounter yesterday! I was finally able to schedule some time with my priest again, and while talking to him and listening to his input, I have realized how THERE He has been recently. As Father said, I had a "DUH!" moment.

Right now, hubby is on a different path. What he wants to do is good. It's just doing what he says he is going to do. He calls it "Mind, Body, and Spirit" exercises. He is taking 30 days to 1. Not drink, 2. Start exercising, 3. Spend an hour a day journaling in his "Gratitude Journal" (he suffers from severe depression among other mental health issues) 4. Spend an hour with ME in prayer or studying spiritual works (bible, lives of the saints, etc), spiritually connecting with our marriage which is a component that has been missing in our 27 years of marriage. He didn't drink last night, but after all I've been through with him, I'm not letting myself get too excited about what he has planned. Let's just say "the proof is in the pudding". It's "One Day at a Time"....

I really do feel good about what I'm doing, especially after my spiritual advisory session with Father. It did me a world of good, and he gave me good advice and helped me to see God's hand working.
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Old 11-23-2007, 07:48 AM
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I have two small children and was unable to find time for meetings. I did find that there are meetings on line. Maybe you would be comfortable in that format, and it could fit into your schedule.
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Old 11-24-2007, 05:11 AM
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DeLynn, I just thought I would throw down my experience here FWIW. I have a 3 year old son and I found it VERY hard to get to meetings. I have gone in the past, and was not ready to hear. I went again and found the first one to be the same, uncomfortable. But, after you go a few times, it gets better. In my situation, I cannot get there when the only one in the area that lets kids come meets due to my work.

But like everybody else said, by being brutally honest, seeking help through reading and praying etc, you can go far. The support and information on this site may have been by far the most helpful to me in helping me move forward through the "stalls" in my thinking and action.

So glad you are with us. No matter what you choose that is right for you, I found, if you just keep moving forward...even if it is alittle tiny step each day, then you will be stretching toward healing...

Hugs to you.
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