A question about setting boundrys

Old 11-20-2007, 10:11 AM
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A question about setting boundrys

Do you think that all boundrys should be stated to the person you are setting them for. In my case I have stated certin things and in other cases I have just told my self that I won't do something like buy his beer and then just not do it. He knows I don't want him to drink and I make it a point to not tell him I am going to the store so he doesn't know to ask and over time He has come to realize I am not doing it and just does it for him self.

Tell me your thoughts.
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Old 11-20-2007, 10:19 AM
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Still getting used to boundaries myself! I didn't tell my abf about no longer buying alcohol for him. I only ever did once or twice for him. Soon enough he asked me to get him a can from the fridge and I told him then, 'You'll have to get it yourself, I don't want to touch it.' He got a bit haughty because of it, thought I was joking till I came in from the kitchen without one for him, then he knew I was serious!!
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Old 11-20-2007, 10:35 AM
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He doesn't ask me to get it from the fridge but he did expect me to get it at the store. When he is at home drinking..... He just makes sure the beer is near him and he is near one of the refigorators. He has no need or use for me when he is drinking.
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Old 11-20-2007, 10:57 AM
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Originally Posted by lostnfound1961 View Post
Do you think that all boundrys should be stated to the person you are setting them for.
Well, first of all, the person you are setting them for is YOU. So, yes, you should be clear about them. As far as the person you are protecting yourself from, I guess it depends on the boundary. Example: If you are drunk and speaking to me disrespectfully, I will leave. You could state it--ONCE--as a kind of fair warning. But then, don't repeat it, just do it. As far as the buying beer, same thing. I am not going to buy beer for you anymore. Or, you can just stop doing it. Either way, the boundary is for YOU, not him. If you keep that in mind, you will know when you need to say something and when it doesn't matter.

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Old 11-20-2007, 10:59 AM
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Hi, I definitely think that someone deserves to know the boundaries that are being set. IMHO. I know with myself I said to my husband " I will no longer allow drinking in my home or around my property". Buying it would certainly be the last thing I would do. Also, I said "Do not kiss me or expect any kind of s** when u have drank, even just one".
I hate the smell so it is a boundary I stick to. I think by being firm and up front, it stops any confusion to both parties. Take care of yourself...........
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Old 11-20-2007, 11:43 AM
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Glad you started this thread. I am preparing to go home after a 5-week separation from my AH, probably this weekend. Not much has changed on his end i.e. he's not returned to AA or embraced any kind of recovery, but he's not talking to me much so it's hard to tell. On MY end, however, the groundwork has been laid for some internal changes that I hope will stay put and even grow as time goes on. After I got over the fact that my leaving didn't catapult him into sobriety (who's the "little god" now, people) - I had to get real with myself and what I had been doing to me.

One of the things I did yesterday was start a list of boundaries or "rules to live by" for MYSELF. These are things I decided I'll need to be doing when I get home, so that I don't relapse into enabling/codep thoughts and behaviors. I typed them up and I plan to give him a copy tonight when I'm over visiting my cats. All of them start with "I", and none of them have anything to do with him changing himself or his behavior.

They're very personal, otherwise I'd copy them here but I'll give generic examples:
One has to do with getting adequate sleep, another with maintaining active recovery for myself and all that goes with that. Another is about exercising and not being home after work every night to eat with him. Sexuality, fidelity, TV watching, etc. My point with these is to make it clear that I won't be doing what I was doing before I left, which was mainly lots of "sacrificing" and running-around-crazy doing things I thought would please hime and therefore keep him sober. All it did was make me resentful and drunk on enabling.

I don't know if it's necessary to present all this to him on paper; the most important thing for me is whether I can follow through with doing them when I get back into that house with him. I also don't know where it will all lead, good or bad, married or divorced eventually. All I know is that I can't go back doing the same thing and expect different results. Right?
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Old 11-20-2007, 11:56 AM
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Originally Posted by DetachMe9 View Post
All it did was make me resentful and drunk on enabling.

DetachMe,
This is such a wise statement...I love the expression "drunk on enabling" because it's so dead-on. Wow!
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Old 11-20-2007, 01:30 PM
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Thanks everyone.
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