cdk1972

I have been working hard to stop negative talking to myself, to put myself first, to try and accept myself. But why does it feel like every time i say, "Kaira, you're okay, you can do this, you're not fat and ugly" etc. i'm lying to myself? It truly feels like a lie. I have realized more than ever how much i DON'T like myself....but honestly? I don't know why. I mean, i know the physical stuff...can't be skinny enough, can't be pretty enough, not smart enough, blablabla, but where does that come from, and how do I learn to be okay with it? When i try to find good things about myself, I feel like a big fake. I know my in securities slide right into codependency..and i've read all the books (melodie Beattie) and i get what she's saying, but I still cannot get past it? What the H?!?!?!??!!?
Why do i want to be invisible? Why am I blaming the breakups and failures on myself and what can i do to get over that?
By the way...Happy Thanksgiving this week :

denny57

Al-Anon and therapy worked for me. I made myself a priority and though I enjoy reading the books, it was action that moved me along.

ARealLady

Kaira? Are you the gorgeous lady in your avatar?

What are you doing for Thanksgiving? (It's a workday here ;-( )

ARL

cdk1972

Gorgeous...don't know about that, but thank you. Yes, i am. WOrking on Thanksgiving?!?!?!?!?!? hopefully you get done early, ARL. I am spending the day with my parents. Nothing too exciting. Hopefully you are spending time with others, too!

cmc

Books, meetings and therapy helped me enormously, yet I found that I can easily stay stuck while doing all that if I refuse be open to change. If I (or others) see a little progress then I can feel good about that and give myself the gift I would give to you or anyone else: compassion, patience, understanding and a pat on the back.

I love the slogans because they contain such pure recovery. Progress Not Perfection is especially good. I don't have to change everything overnight. In fact, I prefer to take my time and grow at a pace that is not forced- but will stand the tests of time and what trouble may lie ahead. It took time for me to become the way I was and it will take time to change.

Pure repetition of going to meetings and filling myself with the truth helped me to finally 'get it' deep within my mind and heart. It would have been easy to say "I have this handled now" and stop growing- but that would be a lie and I would end up where I started...in denial about myself.

Another comment I have about what you shared about the negative self talk is that I try to replace it with saying what I AM instead of what I am not. This places my focus on my good choices and who I am as a person such as "I am a good friend" or "I'm good at saving money."

Keep coming back to share!

lostnfound1961

It's funny but I do know what you are talking about. I can do my hair and makup ane feel real good about my self and then later I look in the mirror and it's like I gained 20lbs and got 30 years older and my nose OMG my nose!! Can everyone else see the little spider vain in my chin and my huge pores.

My husband always talks about how men are checking me out and how I would be anyones dream girl and I look in the mirror and think, Yah right and in my heart I am thinking why would anyone want someone like me. someone this broken.

Then there are times I talk to my self and tell my self it knock it off. Life may not be a bed of roses and it could be sooooooo much worse. I try to remined my self that everything that happens to me is a lesson and I need to learn from it and move on.
I'm not saying I do that all the time but I do try.

Here is one other thing to think about. When I fined a man attractive.... It is more likely about who he is than what he looks like. My husband used to be real attractive.

Hugs and happy Thanksgiveing to you too. btw, You are beautiful and have a great smile! I see your heart in your smile.
D

cdk1972

Thank you so much for your advice and understanding - and compliments! I appreciate them so much.

geees poncho

This guy, me, had the same thing going on when I was younger, I made a list of all my positives, & some I manufactured. I concentrated on them. stay away from negative people. ie pretty, gossipy girl freinds. and any one that might put you down. Men find a lot of self worth in their work, maybe this would help you.

quit doing this

Lilyflower

Hey CDK,

"Kaira, you're okay, you can do this, you're not fat and ugly" etc. i'm lying to myself? It truly feels like a lie. I have realized more than ever how much i DON'T like myself....''

its difficult at first to look in the mirror at ourself and tell ourselves we're beautiful. It feels alien at first, because we're not used to it! Keep it up though, it does sink in over time!

Also as a side thought, when you say '' your NOT fat and ugly...'' you are still harbouring those negative words, still implanting them in your head. Try only using positive affirmations, throw out anything with a negative connotation. Instead of '' your not fat and ugly...'' how about '' You ARE beautiful and sexy!!!''

ARealLady

Kaira....north of the border, we celebrate Thanksgiving in October....that's why Thursday is just another day....well....it also happens to be my birthday but who's counting?

You know, XABF told me I was so gorgeous, beautiful, a goddess....blah, blah, blah....compliments which ceased to have meaning once I began to see the person he is when under the influence. Now....I don't know what to believe about the external parts but I find that if I keep living my life being honest with myself the external trappings become less important. I don't pick my friends based on what they look like so I think it works in reverse too.......I sure hope so!

ARL

lostnfound1961

One other thing. I don't know about you but I come from a family of alcoholics so I grew up with no sence of self. even at 46 I still fined I have little sence of self and tend to see what other people tell me to see or in some cases I see what I feel. If I feel bad inside then I see my self as bad. It sounds crazy but I can see my self one way and with a word I can look again and see another person.

When I was a kid my mom used to tell me I was beautiful and smart and outgoing, all this great stuff but..... She only said it when she was drunk and falling apart and there I was saving her, putting her back together, so a lot of times when I get a compliment...... I attach that to feelings and instead of it feeling good..... I feel bad and it feels bad and it gets all twisted up and all of the sudden what I feel is what I see in my self.

It's a mess that I don't know how to fix but I do recognize it and that helps sometimes.
D

Bobway

Everyone is beautiful to me, physical appearance is not what true beauty is, it is beaty that comes from within, your spirit and once you can connect with your inner-self you will find you are beautiful, God made us who we are and aGod does not make anything that is not beautiful. Believe in yourself and remember you have that inner beauty within you. God Bless You..

Rella927

CDK you are beautiful and I have a sense that you are just as beautiful on the inside!

It takes time to believe in ourselves that we have such beauty withing and out. I know with Counseling, Al-Anon it helped me to believe not only in myself but what others would say to me. It had to start with me first in order to accept what others would say.

Maybe seek out a meeting-they work!

Good Luck to you

geees poncho

when I see some one walk into a room & the whole room lights up, you know they have been working on their (SHINE) the inner self. we all have to find our (SHINE)
some find it faster than others. this is where our winning smiles come from, our sparkling eyes. the little old gal with 21 kids that lights up the room. that guy with 12 ex wifes just as happy as if he found a million. remember the GREAT THINGS YOU'VE DONE.& THE GREAT THINGS YOUR GOING TO DO. you are absolutly perfect in your HPs eyes. who else would you want to impress.
DOES THAT NOISE IN MY HEAD BOTHER ANY ONE??? SORRY

GiveLove

Kaira,

Gosh, I went through the same thing for so many years. I know how you feel. Not sure how you ended up that way, but I got a lot of it from my narcissistic, substance-abusing family. Especially my narcissistic stepmom. I was never, ever good enough at anything, and it just stuck.

My cool therapist helped me do one important thing: separate the voices in my head into separate piles, to clearly separate what *I* was saying to myself from what other peoples' voices were saying. I realized just how much I was parroting what other people had always told me about myself.

I hope that you too will soon realize that their opinions, past, present, future, mean precisely jack shiite. You are a beautiful person in and out, and even more important, you have the courage and strength to keep trying to figure it all out, solve things inside you so you can get happier and happier as you grow.

And that makes you gorgeous!!!

hbb

Hey Kaira,

I knew you were my long lost twin!! I feel the same way. I don't know how to tell you how to turn around those feelings as i'm learning myself but that your definately not alone. Your absolutely gorgeous inside and out. You have helped me imensely (sp) through my hard times, you have no idea. You reach out to me like we've been friends forever and i love that about you. I know that feeling of not being able to be possitive about ourselves. It's hard.

My therapist asked me to write down five things that i believe about myself and work on TRULY believing them and one HAD to be a physical feature!! That was tough, but i did it and now carry the notecards around in my purse as i have roommates and don't need them thinking i'm a freak and tell the world!! Denny also suggested that saying possitive things in the mirror until we actually start believing them is helpful too.

For me, it was J didn't want me so i am worthless and why wouldn't everyone see me that way. There must be something wrong with ME. But as the days go along, i'm realizing that it's HIM, he doesn't like himself. They are NOT a reflection of us, i think for me it was an ego blow and so then my brain started insisting it was me instead of him and his views. Hang in there, your doing great, everytime we talk you sound stronger and stronger

cdk1972

Thank you. everyone. so much. I will keep reading and keep posting and hopefully keep getting stronger.
Love you, too Heather !

cagefree

great thread cdk!

I was taught from an early age to be critical of myself. after awhile it turned inward and I didn't need my parents to be critical of me - I was doing it to myself.

Sometimes when we hear lies long enough, we think they are true...and the real truth seems like lies. I think that's why it felt so weird to say my affirmations - I am acceptable, just the way I am - dirty dishes, missed bill payment, locking myself out of my car...I'm acceptable. I try to let it go and embrace my imperfections to chuckle at myself and my goofy goofs - yes I actually left my work building with my skirt tucked in my undies a few months back - still acceptable just the way I am...and you are too!

MsGolightly

i totally agree with this.

i also think that if you're going to make a list of all the things you're NOT or things you think you aren't good enough at, or whatever, i would make an equal list saying how you can change these things. how can i make myself thinner? diet and exercise. how can i make myself happier? surround myself with people that make me laugh... things like that.

SaTiT

it's just from years of negative mind talk. For me that was part of the
process..i now recognize those negative thoughts, verse it was
in automatic as before.

From years of being critisize no matter what i did.
never good enough, the guilt, the shame. During moments
when I was emotionally distrut, instead of recieving encourage
ment i was pionted out of every little flaws. Even if i was to
do good and accomplish good things, all of my minor flaws would
be piont out.

anyway
as corney as it maybe,i do the look at myself in the mirror
every morning and stair into my eyes and piont to myself
" i love you dude"..all of those negative emotions would
surface

I work on my neagtive critical vioce,it's subtle.
I can be drining down the street and the stupid vioce
would just pop in my head for no pertiular reason. it's a combimation
of my vioce...but for me..if I listen to it closely it's actaully
my dad's vioce. plus it's blend in with my GF vioce.
she would say some pretty narly hurtful things to me
when i was tire, down and when she's wacked out of her mind.
i get images of her doing that to me, I have emotional attachments
to her and i take it to heart when she say stuff like that.
even thou i know, it's not true. it's like my mind has made
corbon copies of those moments and i replay it over and over again
when I'm tired or feeling down a bit,,those thoughts comes rushing in.

It's like you listen to a song and for some stupid reason
you hear the song in your head over and over again the
next day or for some reason you hear a song from years
before that just pop's into your head and you can't stop it.

it works in the sameway with negative critism.,,but it's not
a song..it's something personal with emotional ties.
Sometimes subtle sometimes not.

i ask them to stop but..they don't. I read many article here
on SR and other self help books. A power thread in the mental
section help me a great deal. that very same mechism can be
use as my allie. I just need to replace those phases with posistive
one. Instead of denialing it. i accepted it, i just keep telling myself
those negative saying no longer serve me. it's gradual slowly
those negative thoughts where weaded out and replace wirh posistive
one.

meditation has also help me into understanding how my mind works.
that's why i just go sit still under my tree or take simple walk.
You can walk and meditate. There's not a right way or wrong way
to meditate. just do what works for you.
anyway, at first my mind was so rampage with thoughts and vioce.
I couldn't even focus or stay focus on an object or a tree.lol
I was trying to froce my thoughts to stop..to no avail.
then i read..that you should try to stop it ..rather let it
flow by as a passing parade..eventaully my mind would
run out of thoughts and gradually I can be in the moment
and become awear of the air caressing my skin...i became
presence..and not in my thoughts.

it wasn't so much about trying to be holly or a spiritaul giant.lol
it was becuase i was sick and tire of beating up on myself.

i simply tell myself and treat myself in this way today.
"I'm not going to beat up on myself no matter what"
'I'm going to love myself no matter what"

it just takes practice..becuase of couse i didn't feel i was
deserving of love..I'm still working on this everyday