jessieandme2003

Hello all. I am really suffering tonight. My A husband has left again. He left last month because I was complaining too much, and then stayed drunk three weeks and even had a one night stand with a girl from the bar. Then he begged to come home and try again. I said he must address his drinking problem to come back and he agreed he was out of control. He was so loving and desparate I fell for it all again. He wouldn't go to AA again though, he just wanted to stop on his own. I knew that was no good. He lasted 3 days (some serious withdrawal symptoms too) then started saying again how he didn't have a problem and I made him stop. I said I wasn't making him stop, he'd have to do it for himself for it to work anyway. But I just couldn't live with him if he wasn't trying to work on his problem. The next day he was drinking again, which I already knew he would be. He came home that night first saying it was no big deal, until I asserted my boundary about him living here with my daughter and I if he was going back into denial. I could handle relapse, if he saw it for that and wanted to try again. He eventually agreed he relpaseed and would either go to a meeting or consider a rehab again. He even looked my daughter in the eye and said he'll never drink again. We went to bed. But then the next day (yesterday) he called me from his truck to say he was leaving again, he wasn't happy. He loves me but just can't live with me. I am crazy he says, and he doesn't have a drinking problem.
I went to my first f2f last night after that happened, I needed to stop hearing how its all my fault, and it was wonderful. I came out knowing that this wasn't due to anything I did wrong no matter what he said.
So why am I now crying my eyes out and feeling so abandoned, unloved and used while he's out partying in the bars? I know I am better off, I was so unhappy with how he was (the selfishness in particular), so why am I so devastated? I secretly wanted it to just end so i could get out of the painful cycle, so why does it hurt so much?

Ann

It hurts because it is the end of a dream you once had. It hurts to face the truth that the person you once loved is no longer available emotionally or physically. It is like a death, and you need to cry and mourn the loss.....and then start healing and moving forward again.

I'm so glad you went to a meeting. That will help you more than you even know right now.

Take this time to heal and to take extrsa special care of youreslf. Remind yourself of his worst moments, and don't just think of the good times. Take a deep breath and keep moving forward.

There's a great post from Melody Beattie's "Language of Letting Go", called "To Everyone Who Is In-Between" and it is at the very top of the nar-Anon board. Take a read and know that the time you have right now is not wasted but precious time of healing and planning for a joyous future..

I promise you that it does get better and better as we keep working our program.

EyesOpen

Yes, crying is okay. Go ahead and admit to yourself how disapointing and painful this has been.

None of us expect our relationships to end. Who in their right mind would get into one if we thought things like what has happened to you was likely?

I thought my husband was the one person on earth who would ALWAYS be there for me. But, when put side by side with beer, I loose every time.

The thing to remember is that there are OTHERS in your life who love and or care about you. They might be your parents, siblings, children, co-workers, girlfriends, neighbors, etc. Make an effort to pull your focus off of him, and look around you. I bet there's somebody who'd like to spend time with you. I bet there's someone that you can help, and by helping them, you'll get your mind off of your A.

Pick the kind of future you'd like to have and start moving in that direction one step at a time.

ODAT

I have always thought that laughter and tears come from the same well.

As deep as the tears go, as deep as the pain goes, so too is the potential for happiness.

At times I have cried so hard and for so long that I thought I would drown...or flood the entire world with my tears.....that I would never, ever be happy.

And at other times I have soared so high it was as if I were a bird, an eagle soaring in the heavens and just enjoying the feeling of sheer delight.

I have laughed so hard that I thought my gut would rot and my sides split.....

At one time I went through life basically numb.....almost like a mime, never truly feeling anything.....just being. Sort of like the machine-lady that answers the telephone calls with 'what province or state please'? when you call for a number. Pure mechanical.....never feeling.

I can cry now when I see a rainbow, look at a flower, or when some thing hurts. This I recognize as a gift from God. And I can laugh now when I see something funny, when someone tells a blonde joke (yes, I am blonde), or just at something silly that I have done.

At one time I thought that recovery was about being happy...and that when everything in my life was fixed.....I would be. Now I see recovery as a process of learning to feel, learning to recognize and learning to count the blessings.....and learning to live.

Often times when a baby enters into the world, she will cry. The womb, although getting too small was nice and safe and the shock of the lights and the air on the skin is hard.....she cries and in that cry she takes in her first breaths of life.

I think, that in some small way, the first baby steps of recovery are like that. We find people who are like ourselves....people who understand.....people who finally, after so so long we resonate with. And sometimes in doing that we have to leave the safe, comfortable womb behind......and it is painful.

But never forget, that tears and joy both come from the same pool....and just as deeply as you are crying right now....so too will you feel joy.

jessieandme2003

Thank you all so much for your responses. Just reading them has made a difference in how I am feeling. I think what Ann said about 'mourning the loss of a dream' was very profound, and I have carrying those words with me since last night. It is so perfectly stated.

And EyesOpen, you are so right about looking around me at the other people in my life. There has been a huge outpouring of love and support since this has all happened, and my own daughter (age 9) has made it clear she would love to now have all my attention.

You also said pick the future you'd like to have and start moving towards it, and I've realized that is just what I've been doing the past few weeks. I had begun to see my life without the drain of my A husband and it was looking really good. That is why I had the strength to assert my boundaries this time and make him choose. I knew he'd choose the beer, and then I'd be free.

Thank you all so much.

maryl

Hey there sweetheart, You are allowed to cry!!! Achapter in your life is comming to an end and you have to be stong enough to open another one. Allow yourself time to mourn, you have obviously put alot of work into this relationship, as we all do. But there comes a time when we have to realize our good deed is at an end and we can no longer do anything for them until they are ready to do it themselves. I am so sorry that he cheated and even then you were willing to give him a chance. Boy he sure didn't know what he had and he may never. You have no control over him or his misteaks but you do have control of your own. I know it is hard. I left my sons father when I was 8 months pregnant because he lend up choking me and was too drunk to control himself. His brother was living with us at the time and didn't even help me, just walked back to his room. 8 years later my son has a sober father but now he has an alcoholic step-dad. Boy isn't that ironic? No wonder I'm on Zoloft! Honey anytime you need please feel free. I will keep you in my prayers.
Lots and Lots of Hugs!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Maryl