FormerDoormat

It always amazes me how often people feel the need to vent on this forum. What does venting accomplish? Venting is counterproductive to recovery. It keeps people stuck in a quagmire and focused on the negative aspects of their lives. It clouds their thinking and prevents them from working towards solving their problems and focusing on what's good in their lives. Venting doesn't solve anything.

T. Harv Eker says, "No thought lives in your head rent-free. Each thought you have will either be an investment or a cost. It will either move you toward happiness and success or away from it. It will either empower you or disempower you. That's why it is imperative to choose your thoughts and beliefs wisely."

Does focusing on the negative aspects of my life, complaining about my alcoholic partner's behavior, or feeling sorry for myself empower me? No. Does allowing others to mistreat me or take advantage of me empower me? Nope. Do attempts to control another person's behavior empower me? No. How about living in fear, wallowing in self-doubt, or worrying about what others are doing? Do those behaviors empower me? No, no, and no. Does claiming "I'm afraid to be alone or nobody else would want me, or I can't find a job or make it on my own" move me toward independence and success or does it move me away from it? The answer is obvious.

Will focusing on finding a solution to my problems and the things in life that bring me joy empower me and move me toward happiness? You bet. Will learning how to stop thinking "I can't" and start believing "I can" result in success? Absolutely. Will focusing on learning new, healthier behaviors lead to a better life for me? Yepper.

The next time someone feels the need to vent, instead of offering replies like, "let it out," "I hear ya," or "you go, girl," perhaps it might be more supportive and helpful to encourage them to focus on finding a solution that works for them.

Barbara52

You make some excellent points.

GiveLove

I cannot be the one to decide whether someone is going to benefit from a one-time vent or not.

There are people in the world who feel the need to vent repeatedly, never seeming to make any progress toward changing their situation. I can see your point there.

For me, the first stage was getting my tangled feelings out. Only then could I start to take them apart and see small places where I could start to make change. And when I was ready, I did change, step by step and piece by piece. One woman's vent is another woman's epiphany.

But I understand what you're saying. Nothing changes if nothing changes.

GL

DetachMe9

I get that. However, I see "venting" as a form of anger and anger is a stage of the grief process. Going through each stage of the grief process is what gets people to their destination: Acceptance. I suppose the key is not getting 'stuck' in any particular stage, yes?

HolyQow

I think by saying "im venting" acknowleges that there is no real solution, just mad at something that happened, and then being able to move on. Dwelling on it would be a bad thing, but 'getting off your chest' can be a good thing.

Barbara52

I think one time venting is different from repeated venting about basically the same thing. Sometimes just letting off steam is a good thing and SR is a safe place to do that. But venting about the same things and not making changes in ourselves to detach or to change ourselves can be counter productive.

LaTeeDa

It's true. I had to actually admit what was going on in my life and how unacceptable it was before I could change any of it. And venting was a way for me to clearly see how messed up everything was. (Although, I admit I did most of my venting in a private journal)

I do agree however, that continuing to vent over and over about the same situation, with no willingness to change or even admit change is needed, is not productive.

But, each person reaches "enough" in their own time.

L

SaTiT

yes ..bascially walking on eggshell all the time when talking to my gf becuase
it might up set her or i don't want to argue with her..AGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!

Is that what that is....I was grieveing ??? never thought of it like before.

i feel better today.. i don't want to hurt anyone or myself.

Barbara52

Grieving might be a part of it. Perhaps part of you is recognizing that the relationship is dead or dying and that part of you is resisting that knowledge and part of you is grieving the loss of what you wished you had. {hugs}

Zoey

Many have never had anyone to talk to, I feel it is good to get the poison out of our system. We each can move only at our own pace for a while, IMO


We have kept in car loads of stuff, fastest way to be rid of it is to tell it. MO

SaTiT

come to think of it..i think it helped today.
i went to truned in a job application and the lady told me i needed
my DMV print out too. Ahhh yeah...a dmv print out ?? The office
close in an hour..I think in the pass, i would have flipped out just
a little bit or became irrable with it..The thoughts did cross my mind.
Wtf ??? was the first thought...then "man f-this ".

But i was clam enough to go across town and stand in line for
a 1/2 hour..luckies .Then drove back to the office and actaully
kindly ask the lady to make me another copy of the print out.
She gave me a piece of candy too.lol

humming bird

Venting here is sometimes the last resort we have. I have been there. I have vented here. It was the only place in my life that some one would say "I care and understand." It may have been an a person living with addiction or an person with an addiction. That was very important to me and I will always be gratefull to the people that posted replies!!!

Many family members and friends can not understand what we go thru. When I first posted here I finally felt some relief!!! I went to a alcoholic therapist and she would tell me what to say each week to AH. What she told me to say was suppose to stop or slow down his drinking. Hehe- that was a joke. I would tell him just what I was suppose to say. His drinking and anger got much worse. So, I would post and vent. In the end she just told me to divorce him as he did not follow the rules. Huh?

By venting on this form and reading on this forum I have learned to heal myself!!!! This forum lets me post my point of view and have hugs from people in the same boat. It also lets me learn about addicition from the people who are struggling with their addiction. I have learned so much from everyone on this forum!!!!

So I can heal and learn. I can not think of anything better and it all started with venting!!!

Thank you all!!! The addict posters, the venting posters, the healing posters, and the healed. I hope one day to be one of the healed.

My love to us all!!! May we all find peace!!!!!

shakarris

I think venting is healthy. We can let it out and find a way to move on leaving the baggage behind.

sometimes it works, sometimes needs a couple of goes at ot to make it go away

I say vent on. We all deal with things at our own pace, in our way.. if getting it out means that person gets a decent sleep ... type away

jmho

shakarris

prodigal

I think what F.D. is saying here is venting about the same old, same old is counterproductive to recovery. How many times will one condemn himself or herself to walk 'round the same old mountain before realizing they have dug a deep path that is getting deeper and will eventually turn into a pit that will swallow them if they insist on maintaining "stinkin' thinkin'"?

It also gets to the point that if someone vents away over and over and over about their situation, we who want to give our support run out of things to say. I mean, I feel for people who are suffering from emotional pain and discouragement, but c'mon, life is going to turn around and slap each one of us in the face, like it or not.

I came to this board confused, hurting, uneducated about alcoholism, and definitely needing to vent. After all, the A in my life wasn't hearing a doggone thing I was saying and didn't give a good cahoot anyway. So I vented. Then I settled in and started asking questions and (hopefully!) learning more about who I am, the role I played in the mess, and started working on my own inventory. Venting serves a purpose, but I believe its purpose is a phase that should be worked out, and then we need to get past it.

Thank you, F.D. for posting food for thought.

miss communicat

wouldn't it have been funny if that book had been titled "The Language of Venting" instead of the "Language of Letting Go"?

I guess, to me, whether venting is a healthy or toxic pasttime is an issue of language and semantics. To "vent" indicates merely letting air pass through, to let a situation breathe, to refresh it as in opening a window and letting fresh air circulate in a a stale enviornment.

To spew venom, to stew in &#@*, to harp on and on, to rehearse one's resentments, to make the negative list instead of the gratituude list, that is not venting.

Venting is expression and can be quite healthy, as it moves stuck energy out of one's body and mind. It clears the way for a new, fresh perspective to enter. If someone's vent irritates me, I need to look within myself to see what unresolved emotion, what old resentment, what unrecovered wound is being exposed that is causing me to have such strong feelings that i would wish to stifle the expression of another, or, better yet, simply remove myself from the vent (either physically in f2f life, or by not reading the post here).

I have learned that I can tend to act superior, intolerant and condescending towards people who vent their issues here as a way of myself shutting down emotionally.



jmho

DesertEyes

Venting is a very general term that gets thrown around a lot. There's very different kinds of "emotional expression" of which some are healthy and some are not. The best way to determine if a "vent" is healthy is by looking at the _results_.

If a "vent" results in getting new insights into my "stinking thinking" and finding new alternatives to the problems in my life, then that vent was healthy. I call that "sharing". On the other hand, as FD's quote points out, if I keep venting and venting about the same old stuff and never take any action to get myself out of the mess I'm in then I'd say I'm whining.

An easy way to spot the difference is thru an al-anon slogan that says "If you spot it, you got it". The people who are the least tolerant of another persons whining are those who are themselves whiners. Whenever I find myself getting very irritated at somebody who's sharing at a meeting I know that they are "triggering" something in _me_ that I have not yet had the courage to look at.

There's one guy at my Sunday nite meet who whines a lot about his alkie wife. He's been sticking it out for years and it just gripes me no end how he always whines and never takes action.

Gee, I stuck it out with my "A" for years and never took action. Imagine that. My sponsor tells me I still have a resentment against _me_ for those years I endured. So I've been making living ammends to _me_ and you know what? That whiner guy? I'm starting to have compassion for him. I still don't _like_ him, but I'm making progress

Mike

tollbooth

My venting has a lot to do with not ever having an opportunity to share it with other people before. I've never openly discussed my realtionship with an alcoholic to anyone else. SR has become my "safe haven" for doing it w/o prejudice. Sure, I like the warm shoulders that reply. But its also very therapeutic to share my experiences with others of like mind, especially when the responses are knowledgable and experienced, and cause me to look at myself subjectively.

Responses like yours Mike, and others, let me know I'm not alone in dealing with the exact same problems.

It also serves as a reality check for me: If I am reluctant to post something because I already know what the repsonses will be, then my powers of introspection are working in a positive direction!

Live

My favorite counselor told me that people only come to see her because they are in pain. Most who join this site are in pain. With no one to talk to or who understands.
We find we are not alone. We open up. We find a kinship, and an exchange and help work thro' our problems together. The process of transitions (of many kinds) take time, support, information and compassion. Venting allows us to gain insights from others. And we all have the need to explain our situation and our pain. To stuff it is to add to denial and in the end suffer more pain. Recovery is not a linear path. As I recall Melody Beatty shows that it is circular and we often revisit previous experiences and feelings.
So, on this I fully advocate freedom of expression without judgment, if the post bothers you, leave it and move on.
I am taught and I believe that we are best governed by love and compassion.

mallowcup

What is venting? It is really stating the problem. Prolonged venting can be counterproductive because it is not good problem solving. Restating a problem and not doing anything to change it can lead to a level of self disgust that evetually brings about change. You can become digusted with me for restating the problem. It is when I become disgusted with me that I will change.
I do avoid this forum when I read the same problem restated umpteen times. I am at a different level of my own recovery. To me it becomes whining, because the vents can often lead to the "I can'ts". We have to be careful what we take in. Recovery for me does not mean becoming a whiner. I want the rubber to hit the road.
Horrible things can happen all along the way and I think we all have our heartache.
I think a person has to come to that day when they draw the line. When they step over the line, they leave the life and the old ways and embrace theri future. Some people get stuck on that other side of the line and I can not cross back to help them, I can call out and say, "Hey, step over!, you can do it".
Let's face it, venting puts a theraputic spin on whining and *itching.
Venting is a purge and that's necessary but I made a rule for myself. Every vent requires a solution. The only thing worse that being married to an alcoholic is being a victim. No money, no excuse, save pennies, pick up cans and cash them in, explore the serices available. The new life we want is not going to be served on a pink pillow.
For me, I got busy and serious when I saw the world preceiving me as a bimbo with zero problem solving abilities.

denny57

I agree.