CBrown

I could not agree more. If you don't want to read a vent post, move to a post that is more in line with where you are at in your recovery. But I respectfully disagree that people shouldn't vent on here. Or how often. I would feel like someone was saying to me "your feelings aren't valid, shut up." Who are we to say what a person should be feeling when we're all different? When I got divorced I bottled it all up and never vented. It was the worst thing I could have done. I have vented over the breakup with R, and I feel better than I have in months, because I have let so many areas of the relationship go.

aztchr

When I'm venting, I usually know the solution, but am stuck with taking action, then I realize I'm stuck in the victim role and I'm the only one that can get out.

mallowcup

well sometimes we have to make a recipe and follow it. Sit down and write out exactly who you want to be. Write down your weaknesses and vulnerabilies. Stick to the recipe. Mustard does not go in a cake so stop putting it in there.
Take a blank model and make her. Who is she? What does she look like? How does she think? What does her face look like? How does the world preceive her?
If we are all starting from square one, why not make ourselves into someone beautiful, smart, wise, that the world thinks is an inspiration to others? If there is not way, find one. If there is no money, find a way to earn some.
Why go through all that change if you become a whining loser? You may as well have stayed in the life you had.
I am quickly turned off and away from the "I can'ts".
I am already a pro at what I can't do. I don't need any more of that advice.
I will tell you how I did impossible things. In a room full of 50 people, I want to know only the one who inspires me.

SaTiT

Take a blank model and make her. Who is she? What does she look like? How does she think? What does her face look like? How does the world preceive her

I'll make a ****** doll of my ex.

aspiresobriety

You make some very valid points.

Pause.....I do think that venting, particularly in the early stages, is cathartic - an exorcising of demons as such. An essential aspect of the grieving process.

It's when it becomes repetitive that it may be doing harm, a sort of hanging on to past grievances.

Great thread, thanks

mallowcup

I would be very careful what spirits I called into my life. Just what I want a voo doo doll,more about him. No thanks. I'm making a new me, it's about me, not him.

FormerDoormat

Venting, spewing venom, or whining, regardless of which word or phrase a person uses to define negative thinking, focusing on the negative aspects of my life did not move me towards happiness. Identifying the problem, finding a solution, and making positive changes did.

It wasn't until I stopped thinking "I can't" and started believing that "I can" that I was able to effect positive changes in my life. IMHO, encouraging people to "vent away" is less helpful than encouraging them to take action and find a solution to their problems.

I think MallowCup said it best: "Every vent requires a solution."

kglast

For me, (obviously ) venting is therapeutic. I have recently "slipped" in my own recovery and am struggling back - getting those familiar old frustrations out here, where people understand, allows me to get it out of my system and continue onward and upward....if anyone needs to blow off some steam/frustration, I, for one, am more than happy to listen. Peace to all ~

gns

Dear Formerdoormat,

I usually find your comments and advice very helpful. I like your "no compromise" approach and brutal honesty.

Not everyone is in the same place as you and not everyone has the same path to empowerment and self-value as you have taken.

I respect your success and I am happy for you that you have found a lot of joy and peace in your life. Your success is inspiring.

I would ask that you allow the rest of us to follow our own path and to support and help us (and even push us) along the way.

I am not sure what this post is supposed to accomplish except make a lot of people feel bad and think twice about posting. Did you mean to discuss the impact of negative thinking and staying stuck on our lives? Since your post is not goading any particular person into a thoughtful solution, this post sounds an awful lot like a vent to me!

SaTiT

I feel much better today, thou.

I havn't thought too about her for the past couple of days.
She'll still cross my mind every so often, but it's not like
i sit and think about her. Images of her just cross my mind..that's all.
i don't react..I guess I'm not all pin up inside.

I don't know..I'm introverted. some people are extroverted.

for me...
It's like having gas pain. I don't function to well if i have gas pains
either.lol

BigSis

I couldn't jump into solutions until I figured out the problem... that took anger and "venting" and talking to others who had been there and really, REALLY understand. Not just the earth people out there who have such simple solutions as "Put down the drink, stupid" or "Leave the barstad!". Neither solution worked for me.

But by talking to folks who heard me, who empathized with me helped me to think beyond the rage and pain and hurt and angst and begin to become AWARE of what was really going on...

Even then, I wasn't ready to jump into a solution... I had to ACCEPT that I had no control or power over the problem. I couldn't cure it or control it.

Only today, after lots and lots of meetings where I sat and cried and grieved, only after lots of reading and posting here... only THEN could I take some ACTIONS that started to make a difference in my life.

Perhaps there are those who can see the problem and jump immediately into action into solving the problem, but I am not one of those. And like DesertEyes, I think when I get angriest at someone who is "venting", I have to look at my OWN stuff... and likely I am feeling something that relates back to my path in recovery a lot more than I am reacting to that other person.

CBrown

"Venting, spewing venom, or whining"

"Whining"?

This term really bothers me, not so much on my own account, but for others reading it on this forum. Especially new people.

miss communicat

lets not vent about vents about vents...... :mock

itiswhatitis...

and perhaps, for most of us, venting is the first step to finding a solution - i know of no one who doesn't have negativity in their life - venting or letting out a problem isn't whining, it is expressing that there is something in your life that sucks - you vent because you want people to *share their experiences* with you and what they did to get through that negative experience in their life - i'm really glad that you never had anything negative happen in your life that you felt like you needed to get out - but for most of us here *getting it out is helping us to get through it*...

i just think it's really mean to judge others as being weak and whiny when most everyone i've ever *met* here has vented about their situation and more than once - i know i have - and the responses people have shared with me have helped more than you can imagine - thanks to everyone for sharing their experiences with me - an important feature to a *message forum* i think...

maybe it's not for you...

love,
s

denny57

Signing "love" to a judgmental attack still makes it an attack. My AH taught me that.

lostnfound1961

I think the reason you see so much venting on this site is, this is the one place we can go to that others understand. We get validation that we are not the crazy ones and then we can move on. It's not about holding on to the bad feelings, it's getting to feel our anger among other feelings in a healthy setting. I thank GOD for this site/group. I don't know if I would be here today without all of you. It is so hard to be alone in and insane place.
Hugs to all
D

itiswhatitis...

i really don't think i've attacked anyone - sharing my opinion and experience isn't being judgemental - my thinking someone is being mean is just that - my thinking - not judging anyone - take what you will and leave the rest...

- que sara...


s

denny57

I agree

lostnfound1961

One more thing. Sometimes it's more about pain than anger. sometimes we need to cry and somethimes we need to screem. Some of what you are saying is true. yes we need to move to positive thinking and a better life but...... we also need to be honest with our self and others and feel what we feel at the time we feel it. Sometimes I need someone else to remined me that the bad thing that just happened is not my fault and I am justified in my feelings because my ah sure as hell isn't going to tell me that. No he wants me to feel what he wan't me to feel.

What you are saying is like telling me I should laugh when I feel like crying. We have these feelings for a reason and if I denie them...... I may as well not post. I can lie to the people I see face to face, I can smile and tell them my life is a bed of roses, be the perky girl they all want to see.

Our vents are a cry for help, for a hug and a friend to tell us we are ok. If I didn't need to vent.... My life would be a bed of roses.
Hugs
D

denny57

Is that what is being said or what is being felt?

I made huge leaps when I began to understand the difference.

((()))