freya

I have 7 brothers and sisters, I am the oldest, and my mom lives with me. Typically, all of the holidays are celebrated at my house -- which is fine because I do love to entertain, and I love my family and we always have a great time, although, of course, it is not perfect and since I've been in AL Anon it just seems so much more obvious the little ways in which it is not perfect and exactly what is "behind the scenes" so-to-speak in any of those imperfections. Now, the good thing is that I do a very good job of not-engaging when any craziness raises it's ugly head because Iknow that, ultimately, there is nothing I can do about it....but the bad things is that, when I used to engage, it was always about "making her/him/them/whoever see the light of reason," so I at least felt like I was doing something constructive, which somehow felt better for me even though now I know it was pure self-delusion....and that was my role, so I felt more connected, whereas now I definitely feel removed (detachment, of course) sometimes, which I know is good and healthy, but not really how I want to feel around my family even if only intermittently.

So, this year my crazy, alcoholic sister from CA is coming with her even crazier daughter, whom she is bringing on leave out of a lock-down treatment center in Utah. You would not believe -- well, actually you probably would -- how much drama an BS there has been around just getting her here, and over the last few days she has called me 2-3 times a day with something new every time. She hasn't succeeded to drawing me into the drama -- I just say what I have to say -- and hand her over to our mom or my other sister in town, both of whom are always ready and willing to jump in with both feet.

So last night she calls, and apparently there is no further opportunity for drama around the travel arrangements (Thanks you HP!)...so she "innocently" asks me how my oldest son is doing -- because she knows I have some concerns about how much he is drinking and it's scary to me -- and I calmly say just that. Then she goes:

She: "Well, are you going to let him drink at home?"

Me: "Yes."

She: "Why -- if you're worried about his drinking?"

Me: "Because it's not my job to control his drinking."

She (thinking she's really got her foot in the door here): "Then why can't I drink? You can't control my drinking either."

Me: "M, we've talked about his before: People who have told me that they are alcoholics or who have a pattern of behaving inappropriately in my house when they drink, do not drink in my house. You have done both of those things; E hasn't done either."

She: "It's not fair; I want to have a glass of wine with dinner on Thanksgiving and you can't stop me."

Me: "You're right. There are lots of restaurants right down on Park Ave that will be glad to sell you a glass of wine with dinner and if you want to go there or anywhere else, I can't stop you and I won't even try. But in my house my rule stands. And this conversation is over....Do you want to talk about something else or do you want to talk to Mom?"

UGH....and I know that there has been a conspiracy going on between this sister and my mom and my other sister here around trying to convince me to let my niece come here and live when she gets out of treatment.....and, in all honesty, I am willing to do my part, but I have told them that there will be rules and there will be a contract (not only for my niece, but also for them around their enabling behavior) and that contract will be honored or she will be gone...and they all think I'm a total b*tch (...but you don't see my sister offering for her to come live with her and her husband, of course!)....

Oh well, better a b*tch than a doormat, that's fine with me!!!

Anyone else want to share their pre-game stories??????

freya

FindingMe

Thanks, I hope everything works out OK!

My pre-game show has been the same every year, AH gets completely falling down drunk on the eve of every holiday. I always thought that it was because he had a the next day off work, but drank way more because he was celebrating. What I realize now (with the help of alanon and SR) is that he is making sure he has a real good hangover on the Holiday (with my family) so he won't drink or appear not to drink to much.

This has made being home before a holiday a living nightmare.

So this year on the eve of the holiday (Thanksgiving and Christmas) I'll be taking the kids to a late showing of a good movie and making sure he is sleeping before we get home.

Thanks for all the insight, remember I'm still taking baby steps!!

freya

Sounds like a plan -- hope it works you well for you!

freya

denny57

I'm taking my 16-year old nephew to London for Thanksgiving week. I can't wait!

Hope your dinner all works out fine.

freya

That sounds like lots of fun -- Over the last few years it has kinda become a dream of mine to take a holiday off and actually go away. I think, as of right now, I've decided that I will do it the year after my youngest graduates from college (2010) -- because it's very important to me that he have a place to "come home to" for the holidays while this is still literally his "home." And he's the kind of kid for whom that kind of security/tradition is really important.

There is a big AA round-up held in NYC annually on Thanksgiving week and my partner went the very first year she was sober, and she has always said that she would like to go again -- so I'm kind of thinking that maybe we'll do that in 2010. Everyone who knows me says it's crazy because I love doing the holidays so much.....and that's true: I do love it. But I have literally been doing it since I was 9 years old, so I think that a little break/change/whatever might be in order at this point -- If it ends up that I hate it, then at least I'll know it's not something I want to do again...right?

freya